[9] From These Ashes

AN: Welcome and happy new year! Yep, still going with this one – apart from being busy, this chapter took some time to write, considering what it addressed. There's a cautionary warning about the depiction of Hiro's depression in this chapter.

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"It's only if you want to talk about your brother, though…" Pidge added, a little more gently, now aware of the shock her first question had caused Hiro.

The younger Hamada shook his head, casting his eyes back down to the floor. "No.. I'm- I just.. I didn't want to bother you.. with that, earlier."

"I don't mind," the redhead leaned in, resting her elbows on her knees now. Her eyes went back and forth between looking at him, and looking at the floor too. "But.. sometimes it is better to talk about it."

"Yeah…" he sighed, because he had heard that before, from Baymax. It held truth, and if she was wanting to know… talking about it would be easier than continuing to avoid the subject. Pidge did tell her earlier how her mom thought she was dead by shutting off the phone service. She had to be wondering why he reacted the way he did to that. It was her trusting nature he felt earlier that caused him to drop his superhero cover, so why should he treat this differently?

Hiro drew in another breath, holding it briefly as he clenched his jaw, then exhaling, surrendering.

"It was about a year ago when it happened," his voice was quiet. Since he told this story a few times too many to local residents, Hiro hadn't realized he was telling her the abridged version. "SFIT was holding an Inventor's Convention for new and returning students to compete in… I had entered my microbots, the first invention that my nanotech designs are based from. Then later that night, after the showcase, the whole place caught on fire."

"My older brother.. Tadashi, he heard that- that his professor was still inside. He had to go inside, to find him.. then that's when the whole building blew up. The heat, it was so hot…" Hiro swallowed, struggling to keep his voice steady. "I couldn't find him... in there."

She was still quiet. Hiro could very easily imagine that everything she had learned about him before was now crashing down around her as the pieces fell into place.

"Sometimes.." his voice was barely audible now. He hesitated, biting his lip and looked down before making up his mind to tell her. "I don't want to think that he's.. really gone. Just because there was nothing found afterwards in the rubble. But, I dunno… it was really.. hot... maybe he did burn up..completely…" That last part of it was something he rarely talked about, just because he didn't want the others to worry that he hadn't gotten over what had happened. But without real proof that his brother was truly dead, what could he think? After all, Callaghan also assumed that his daughter had died in that portal experiment… but she didn't.

"I'm so sorry…" Pidge finally told him.

So was he… Hiro never felt so sorry at that time after the fire, and he really did not like the memories that came with it.

Right after that 'accident' at the convention hall, his feelings of hopelessness and heart ache were those that could only be numbed by sleep. But then sleep no longer held a safe place anymore. It kept on being stolen from him when the flames began exploding in his mind. Or, when his aunt forced him to sit up to drink something, making his headache throb even worse. Hiro hadn't gotten up to do anything for so long, like eat or even go to the bathroom... he didn't know what day it was either. He didn't really care to know.

After refusing her wishes to drink on his own, she instead forced a syringe into Hiro's mouth to make him drink the cold, fruity liquid. Even though the shades were drawn, his room still felt very warm from the lingering late summer heat. His aunt told him how much she was worried for him. But he still didn't care.

The acidic aftertaste from the Zillade had burned the back of his sore, parched throat, strongly reminding him of the burning, hot smoke. Hiro weakly pushed her away again. That was when the brunette said she was going to take him to the hospital if he didn't at least drink something. That was also the first time he hit his aunt, fighting to break free from her arms. Hiro really, really didn't want to go to the doctor… there was nothing they could do to help anyway. His brother was gone, forever. She remained at his bed, crying, while Hiro curled up upon himself on the floor under the bay window.

He just wished he could die, his heartache hurt so bad.

The younger Hamada didn't want to talk about any of that here. It was a dark part of him he carefully hid away, and hadn't even told GoGo about that part of his depression. Baymax was only able to sense whenever he really felt lost. So why should he bother this stranger with.. that?

Hiro drew in his legs and hugged them, hiding his face, forcing those horrid thoughts back down. His emotions were so easily tempted to fall apart when he hadn't been feeling his best.

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The boy had been quiet for too long, and he currently was pulled up upon himself. Was Hiro crying? She couldn't hear anything, but she noticed his fingers and how tense they looked as he dug them into his arms. His last words still hung heavy on her heart, creating a sorrowful, painful feeling. That morbid feeling of loneliness she constantly guarded herself against. Green seemed to magnify this, connecting him to Pidge's awareness like the Lions do with her other teammates.

It was one thing to have parents, your family, separated from you due to being in the far reaches of space, with no guarantee to see them again. But could that be the same if someone close had died? The feeling of separation was undeniable, however. She felt for Hiro, knowing he had to cope with the unimaginable. His whole family, now dead.

Pidge felt the lump growing in her throat, sympathizing with the emptiness and the uncertainty he had to deal with. These same feelings of despair had threatened to tear her down too. Feelings she fought back, with her stubborn hope that kept her looking for her own family.

They all had their regrets, even the strongest of men and the greatest of leaders. But, what she learned from having to be more candid with her teammates, was that they didn't have to struggle with all of that alone. Otherwise, it all will just tear them apart.

Even though consoling others wasn't something she was good at, Pidge felt she had to do something. Her lion kept nudging her to go to him as well.

The Green paladin quietly crept over to Hiro's side, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She leaned her head on his shoulder too as she held the teen in her embrace, a shared unspoken empathy.

His breathing became shallow and he felt tense at first, but Pidge hoped the weight of her body helped ground him. Her brother used to do that for her whenever she had a bad day. Matt was so good about being there for her when he could, even in finding a way for them stay connected after they left for Kerberos.

Then along came Hunk and his super big, suffocating bear hugs! Either way, hugs always helped, even though her bulky armor plating was currently in the way.

After awhile, Hiro had felt more relaxed and he lifted up his head. The redhead felt his movement, and looked up to make eye contact. His glistening, brown eyes looked defeated and a little embarrassed too, before they turned back to the floor, away from her.

"Sorry… thanks," he apologized quietly.

"S'kay. It's a lot to process…" she whispered, trying to think of a way to console him and keep up his fighting spirit. She sat up more, releasing Hiro but still kept her right hand across his back.

Hiro stared at the floor, his chin resting on his arms that were still hugging his knees. Thinking. "Yeah…" he finally agreed, as if finding resolve. "But.. someone has to help."

Pidge nodded, somehow touched by those words.

"Was it a super hero mission?" That thought came to her next, just as a way to keep him talking. Because, why else would his brother go running into a burning building?

"No.. actually, um," Hiro seemed to have realized he skipped over those details. The teen straighten up and shifted a little more so that he was facing her direction. A good sign. "The superhero thing started after that."

Pidge drew back her arm when he shifted his body away. She still gave him that questioning look, gently urging him to continue.

His eyes cast down at the floor in thought when he started over again, gripping his arms. "Okay, so.. my brother had contributed a lot of break-though research that had earned himself a reputable position at SFIT. He was also collaborating with a senior professor who had been the renowned roboticist in San Fransokyo."

"Wait," the redhead touched his arm to get the younger Hamada's attention. The way he didn't want to make eye contact with her for long was curious now. "Robert Callaghan? The Robert Callaghan?"

"Y-yeah—"

"You guys knew him?"

"Yeah.. he was—" Hiro stopped, maybe because he realized she was talking in past tense as well. He looked at her now. "He was an inspiration to both of us, until—"

"Oh, I couldn't believe it when I read the news that Callaghan was revealed to have sabotaged Krei Tech Industries with some kind of tech— I mean, this was after he was thought to be dead, so why would he come back like that?" Pidge jumped in, unashamedly, but her enthusiasm about him knowing Callaghan couldn't be contained. Until recent events, that roboticist had been among the top engineers she based her knowledge from.

That was when the scornful look that surfaced on Hiro's face had stopped her in her tracks.

"Well, it was my tech that he stole," Hiro muttered, looking back to the floor space in front his feet. He also leaned back against the wall. "You probably saw only the news that had all the facts changed.. to protect our identities and the bigger mess that Professor Callaghan was in."

"No… it was?" she was serious too. It made her wonder just how much had been covered up. She also reflected back on her first meeting with Ronin, the way that robot 'trapped' her hands when her curiosity got the better of her. It was a defense mechanism against theft.

"The Krei Tech attack was just the endgame… it all started from when Professor Callaghan set the convention hall on fire," the brooding teen glanced over to her.

Pidge raised her eyebrow in surprise. After all this time, she hadn't made the connection that his brother died in the same fire as the robotics professor. Of course, at the time she read about that then, she didn't know any of the other casualties.

On the other hand, his Callaghan was like her Iverson. Rather than admit the truth and offer solutions to help locate the missing crew, the Garrison command just blamed everything on a pilot error and sent their condolences. Yes, keeping the everyday people from going into a panic was far more important to global governments, than actually facing up to the fact that there are powerful alien civilizations out there. The feeling that no one involved had truly cared was still overwhelming.

"So when my brother and I heard the fire alarms going off, we ran over to see what happened. The biggest reason was that I had left my microbots there, and I was worried about them. Then… we heard from other people that Professor Callaghan was still inside. Since the fire department hadn't arrived yet, Tadashi wanted to go in to help… I tried to hold him back, just because it looked too dangerous, but…"

Hiro paused, taking a moment as he scrunched his face as if to resist any further unfavorable thoughts, before continuing. "We all thought Callaghan died in there with my brother.. but he actually set that whole thing up just to steal my microbots!"

"How did you find out?" Pidge asked, because she still didn't see how it all tied together.

"Not right away.. God.." Hiro rubbed his face, then ran his hands through his hair. "It was over a month later, when I noticed one of the microbots I still had was acting funny. Baymax was using it like a compass in the petri dish it was in, and it lead us to this abandoned warehouse full of my microbots! Callaghan was dressed up as some kinda masked villain – we didn't know it was him until later. So after that, I went to get help.. except the police thought I just trying to prank them."

Somehow, Pidge couldn't help but chuckle at the mental image of Hiro trying to explain to a police officer that a masked villain stole a bunch of his tiny robots.

"What?" Unfortunately, he noticed that.

"Ah, just.. yeah, that was a good reason for taking matters into your own hands," she smiled warmly at him in an effort to make up for that.

Then, almost unexpectedly, that had elicited a small smile on the boy's face, and encouraging him to explain more. A lot more. "Yeah, the whole thing was just that crazy… Callaghan was acting like a yokai ghost, by wearing this kabuki mask and chasing after us with millions of my micro bots. He almost killed us! We had to do something!"

"That was when we found out Fred also had superhero connections. So with our technical knowhow and my brains, we designed our own gear to go after him.. to apprehend him. But here's the thing… he just didn't care about all the trouble he had caused, or that my brother had died… he just… " Hiro clenched his teeth, dropping his head in disgust.

"Wow... I wonder why? Callaghan was the one who implemented the Laws of Robotics… so yeah, that really doesn't make any sense at all!" she agreed with that line of thought.

The younger Hamada scratched his hair above his right ear before he propped his head on his hand, and elbow on his knee. "All that Callaghan was concerned with was the issue he had with his colleague. They were working on this huge portal experiment for the government, and his daughter was the test subject. Something went wrong and she never came back out. Callaghan blamed the failure on Krei… this was all out of vengeance!" he gestured with his hands now as he spoke.

"But after we stopped him, Baymax noticed there were signs of life coming from inside the portal. Since it was possible that the portal Callaghan built over Krei Tech might have sucked in bystanders, I offered to go inside to check, with Baymax," Hiro said, as he thumbed at the edge of his kneepad, pausing in thought. "All we found was her- his daughter, in her pod..."

The Green paladin concluded that Hiro must get fidgety and nervous when talking about these personal kind of topics. Hunk and Keith got the same way. "You found her? Was she okay?"

"I guess, she was in a kind of cryosleep. Stayed in a coma for a month after. They flew her out to the east cost where her mom lives."

"How was Callaghan after learning about that?"

"Relieved… different, but he still had to serve time in jail.. for a lot of reasons," he rubbed his neck now. "Even though he held his silence about our involvement in his affairs.. even after he was tried for a felony for my brother's death, I still- I can't understand it. Why? Why did he get his daughter back? He's the bad guy… I lost my brother.. and then the first Baymax he made got damaged when we were rescuing Callaghan's daughter. Just to save her and myself, I had to leave him behind. Never mind that his wife left him, with her..." he was starting to ramble a lot more there, not really making much sense.

All she could do was just nod her head agreement. It was so relatable though. "Yeah.. it never seems fair that stuff like that happens."

Hiro sighed, stretching out his legs and rocking his head back against the wall. That seemed to signify that he was done with this topic.

Just to help him feel like he wasn't alone in his struggle, Pidge decided to share her similar dilemma. "It's not exactly the same kind of situation, but.. when we joined as the new Paladins for Voltron, there were a lot of other unspoken questions about what had happened to the paladins before us. Allura had said ten thousand years had passed, so we just assumed they had died in battle. But, something seemed weird about it.. like how come the Black lion didn't have a Bayard – a weapon we get as a pilot of our assigned lion – or why was the Red lion on-board a Galra ship," Pidge took a moment to think again the point of this comparison.

"Green had let me work on her, like look into her systems and see how she was made so I could add some improvements – like the cloaking. But then I happened across something I hadn't asked about yet. In her log data, I noticed that Zarkon used to be the Black Paladin."

"Really?" Hiro whispered, pulling in his legs so he could cross them.

She nodded, continuing. "King Alfor, Allura's father, had made the Lions, and he also was the Red Paladin. The Black Paladin was Zarkon. Something had happened back then to turn them into enemies… the last thing Allura knew was that Zarkon destroyed Altea, King Alfor's planet."

"Ugh," Hiro winced. "Did he use his lion, or Voltron, to do that?"

"I don't think so… but I didn't see much more on how, just that Zarkon was researching better energy sources," she sighed, regretfully. "So, I mean.. maybe the good thing for you, for everyone, was that you did intervene. You stopped Callaghan before more people got hurt."

"Yeah… that's true..." Hiro breathed after a moment's thought. "Except… I- I wanted to kill him.. using Baymax. But.. my teammates managed to stop him... and stop me."

"That's.. that's good," Pidge whispered. Stunned. He was asleep earlier, right? Or did he have remote access to Ronin's data, to know of her earlier conversation wit the robot about the justification behind 'killing'?

"Someone cared enough to stop me," he whispered that idea again, then swallowed. He was picking at the lace on his boot.

"Not just that," Pidge realized how one-sided hus comment sounded. Because sometimes, there were people who will still do what they wanted no matter how hard others tried to stop them. "You cared enough to realize what you were doing, and that it wasn't going to make things better."

Hiro's eyes met hers, and she watched as the muscles in his jaw flexed while he processed what she said.

"That just- yeah... you're right," he whispered, his gaze redirecting up past her. "It also reminded me one of the passage's my aunt picked for my brother's memorial service: 'Whoever keeps their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will find a new one'."

"I.. I get what you mean though," Pidge nodded. She was moved. He matched her dad's advice with one from his guardian. The Paladin realized something else that didn't occur to her before. Even though Hiro's passage originally had a religious context, she also understood how it could be like a superhero's creed. Of course, killing in general is wrong and she wasn't going to justify that. But killing in cold blood for revenge while fueled by selfish anger, was the worse. On her behalf, she only fought and killed to protect the innocent. Regardless... how can one determine who really deserved to die?

"As part of Voltron, I have to kill in order to protect.. I had no choice," she admitted that much, showing how she cared about his struggle. "My biggest fear, as a Paladin of Voltron, was destroying a Galra ship or a base that had been carrying prisoners - because my dad and brother could be among them."

"Did.. you tell the others about that?"

"No.. just Shiro. I actually wanted to leave Voltron and travel space on my own to find them, but… I changed my mind," Pidge looked at him, a lump now forming in her throat. Her new friends really had become part of her family, and they were now missing too. "I saw how much my teammates needed- appreciated my help… it's not safe going it alone."

He nodded, seemingly understanding her dilemma and resolve as well. Pidge felt a stronger sense of respect and admiration for him now. Hiro had said so much, and she could only barely grasp the courage it must have taken for him talk with her about his brother.

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Even though the redhead engaged with his conversation, and did not get upset about what Hiro was telling her, he still felt awkward at times. A good part of him felt it was due to the fact Pidge didn't know him personally, and had no reason to provide her own personal opinion. That was the easiest answer as to why she hadn't questioned his state of denial, or shamed him for still feeling resentment.

But… but then she hugged him! He was not expecting that. He didn't deserve anything from her like that! Because.. because it meant she genuinely cared about him, and that- he wasn't ready for that yet. It was bad enough just keeping eye contact with the red head without getting weird feels.

What he did like, however, was that Pidge could relate with him, because she had similar regrets. Namely, how to be a hero of many while still coping with their own demons from the past.

Once he willed himself to keep his eye contact with her again, he noticed her curious and confident hazel-brown eyes were now shaded with uncertainty. Her last thought was about the others, and that had brought him around full-circle. Yes, that's why he's helping her. She looked a bit more exhausted now, making him realize maybe he should return the favor. But this time, he decided to ask first. "Hug?"

"Um.. sure," Pidge whispered, and slid closer to his side.

Hiro wrapped his arm around her shoulder, and she hooked her other arm around him in a full embrace. Much to his surprise! Yes, he did ask for this, but the awkward feelings raced through his mind again for a couple long seconds before he could calm down. He also remembered to bring his other arm around Pidge's body to hold her. His heart was pounding like crazy too, and Hiro hoped she didn't notice.

At that moment, his phone started to vibrate too. No, no, no.. not now! I can't answer that NOW!

The younger Hamada had to focus, there was something he was going to say to her first. But Pidge's head was resting by his neck, with her red-golden hair tickling his chin. Hiro exhaled, shifting his head a little just so he wouldn't have to sweep it back with his hand. His touching of her head might come off the wrong way too! The robotics genius took a couple more subtle breaths, and then...

"We'll find them," he finally told her.

"Yeah," she sniffled lightly.

"All of us are a bunch of nerds, so your chances of success are very good." Okay, that was a lame reason, but he still said it.

As expected, the paladin snorted and pulled away to give him a look, which didn't last long. She sat back to wipe a tear trail from one of her cheeks. "Sorry."

"No, no.. it's my fault... really- ut, wait…" Hiro felt his phone buzzing again from his phone pouch. A little more ready, he quickly pulled it out to respond. "Hey, where are—"

"Hello, this is Baymax!"

"Baymax…" Hiro sighed. Not that he didn't wanted to hear from him... he was just getting tired of all this waiting (not that talking and hugging was bad, it was just… just.. getting to be a little too much right now.)

"Is everything going okay, Hiro? I have not heard from.. you in awhile."

"Yeah, yeah. We're fine- safe!" Hiro feigned his smile while he spoke. He rubbed his neck with his other hand and left it there as he explained. "Just waiting for Gogo and Wasabi to get here with the rest of the stuff."

"Okay."

"Don't worry, Baymax.. tell Aunt Cass we're okay," Hiro continued. "It's the other guys I'm kind of worried about.. but if I do need help, you'll be the first to know!"

"Thank you, Hiro," Baymax voice echoed. "I will contact them too."

"Uhm.. okay, thanks," he did not have a problem with that idea at the moment, mostly because he did not want to attract the wrong kind of attention to their location.

Pidge just raised an eyebrow, giving him that curious look again.

"Yeah, so maybe Baymax has taken over my brother's role… in a way," he shrugged with his hands held up.

"That.. him?" Pidge pointed to the picture on the slide screen of Hiro's phone.

"Oh.. yeah," Hiro looked at the picture of a snowy backdrop that had Tadashi with his arm around a bundled up Hiro, and Aunt Cass taking the selfie. It was from a ski trip a few years ago, but the picture was one of his favorites. "That's Tadashi, and my aunt. This used to be her phone, so I got a lot of pictures of us on it."

"Cute."

"Tch… says the girl who's all sentimental about a pair of glasses!"

"Match me," she tilted her chin down and gave him a mocked sadistic look.

"Okay… so, you wanted to know more about Baymax, right…? Here's a video of nii-san's presentation showcasing him," the young genius matched her smile as he pulled up said video.

The girl genius suddenly looked impressed.

Heh.

Hiro wasn't going to admit this just yet, but he already had watched many of those old videos as his personal coping mechanism. It helped so much, between hearing his brother's voice and being enveloped in Baymax hugs. But… this one and his own presentation from the convention were videos he didn't watch yet. They were hardly considered comforting, and tolerated it this time just for Pidge.

Pidge leaned in, her shoulder pressing against his, so she could see better. All this touching all of a sudden.. why? He didn't resist it though, because it was actually kind of comforting.

All Hiro could remember from that time at the convention was how nervous he was. His attention span then was not 100%, so he realized how much he didn't remember when he watched the video now.

The part that struck him the most this time was that his brother presented Baymax in honor of their father and mother. Hiro read about that before, in his brother's notations when he was rebuilding Baymax last year. But hearing it spoken from Tadashi in this way, that hit a chord. Baymax didn't just represent his brother, but the embodiment of his parents too. All of them, they are always with him...

His phone's power flashed at 15% and paused the playback. After exchanging glances with Pidge, Hiro sighed and decided to take the risk of playing the video to the end.

"Y' know what, you can charge your phone here. I had set up a method that works like a charging pad on that console," Pidge added when the video finished

"Really? Thanks," except he wasn't ready to do that just yet.

"Sure," she shifted away from him a bit. "What did your parents do as healthcare professionals?"

"Um, my dad was a doctor, and my mom was a nurse. She liked to work at clinics and do missionary work too, from what I was told," Hiro answered that much. But a second later he decided to let the other shoe drop. "They died in an automobile accident when coming back from a date one night.. drunk driver hit them. I was just three then, my brother just turned nine."

She shook her head, sympathetically, her eyes glancing downward.

Yep, nothing in his life made sense or was fair. Plus he felt really guilty for the pity party he thrust upon her again. Hiro gritted his teeth and pulled up his knees to hug them.

"Hey…" she tugged at his attention, waving her hand at him. "Want to see what the Altean version of a BlackBerry looks like?"

"A BlackBerry?" he looked at her, shocked by the suggestion of that obsolete form of technology. What he saw, however, was a small translucent screen that projected from her armored gauntlet.

"Yeah… so, here's a picture of my brother, Matt," she held her arm with the display out toward him. "I'm also working on a facial recognition program with this, to help search any data banks I hack into."

"He's older than you, right? …not like a twin or something?" Hiro asked. Because really, he looked a lot like her.

"No.. he's older. I used to have long hair at one point," Pidge pointed to the small picture she had low on her dash, of her with her brother near a spaceship launch pad.

He hadn't seen that before because of its 'out if the way' placement, and then wondered if it was possibly their last picture together as well. Hiro hummed, but his eyes darted back to his phone as it buzzed. This time it was Wasabi, finally!

"You guys doing okay?"

"Yeah… Green's functional again. We're just waiting for you. Were you able to lose them?"

"For now… but more importantly, you got room in there for two more?"

"Uhm, yes!" Hiro stood up as he spoke. The lion's dash was darkened so he couldn't see out. "Where are you?"

"In a rowboat, rowing over. The water is not calm either!"

He noticed Pidge facepalming after hearing that much.

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UPDATE 4/7/18 - Hi everyone! Thank you for you awesome reviews! Just letting you know I'm still working on this story. I also have tried to clean up the flow of this chapter a little more.. so tedious!

AN:

Mmm… yes, there be foreshadowing once more. Since this was based off the first season of VLD, all other details have to be fudged or foreshadowed.

Also, while some of my ideas were based from my other fanfics, with Hiro I switched his parent's death to a car accident, to be more realistic. (In Tenets of Life/Indomitable Force, they died in a plane crash). Not really sure how they died for reals yet though… maybe the new series will reveal that? ^^;

This song relates so much to this chapter too ('Flares' by The Script)

Did you break but never mend?
Did it hurt so much you thought it was the end?
Lose your heart but don't know when
And no one cares, there's no one there

Did you find it hard to breathe?
Did you cry so much that you could barely see?
In the darkness all alone
And no one cares, there's no one there

Well did you see the flares in the sky?
Were you blinded by the light?
Did you feel the smoke in your eyes?
Did you? Did you?
Did you see the sparks fill with hope? You are not alone
Cause someone's out there, sending out flares

Passage mentioned for reference: Matthew 10:39 (headcanon I hadn't mentioned yet... that Hiro's mom was from a Christian background, also blended with Japanese spiritual custom).