It was very hard for me to write this particular chapter. Besides the writer's block I had, and being very sick, I've spent a lot of time writing and re writing this chapter. Over and over again. I'm still not quite happy with it, but...here it is.
Chapter 9
"Hey Swan, haven't seen you in a while," Rose spoke as she sat next to me.
"Correction. I come here every week, it's you who disappeared without a trace."
"So, anything new in your life? How's it going with Edward?"
"Fine."
"But..."she continued.
I sighed. "Edward is great, he really is...we seem to have a lot in common, but relationships can't survive on just talk and understanding. And the only thing that is stopping us from a healthy physical relationship is me."
"Oh, honey...you have to take your time. What you went through...it's not something meaningless, just a thing you can walk away from. You have to take your time."
"I know. And we have been doing that, but nothing is helping. He is struggling, I can see it. I am too, but for him...I think it's so much worse. I mean, he can't even touch me properly, and as soon as he does...I just... freeze. And all that exercise crap that my shrink helps me with doesn't really help either.
And then to make it worse, we ran into Jake..."
"Hold on!? You saw Jacob?"
"Yep. Edward was with me. We were talking a walk and just saw each other. Edward introduced himself as my boyfriend..." the memory of that moment was still fresh, and it made me smile for just a bit, spreading warmth through my body.
"Aww...and?" she prompted.
"We talked a bit, and well, awkward and short as it was, I guess it wasn't that bad seeing him."
"Does Edward know about..."
"Yes. I told him everything. And yes, I have to admit, as pessimistic as I am, I waited and stalled for a long time to tell him everything because I was scared...scared that once I tell him, he would walk away without a thought and leave me. But he didn't. He stayed. With me. For me."
"Because he likes you, you dumb-ass."
I rolled my eyes, but smiled. "Yeah, yeah, and I like him too."
Rose smiled, patting me on the shoulder. "You'll make it work...I know you will."
I nodded, mostly for her benefit. "So, how was your week? Where did you ran off?"
She looked away suddenly, and wait...did she just...
"Rosalie Lilian Hale, did you just blush?"
"No!" she shouted, but the color of her cheeks reddened even further.
This was a surprise. Truthfully, I knew Rose only for a few months, but never in my life did I see her blush. Ever.
"Is this about some guy? That Emmerson guy you went out? I waited for you to call me that night, but you never did."
"It's Emmett actually."
"I see. So how was it?"
"Well, terrible at first. He was acting like such an asshole. So five minutes in to the date, I got up and was about to leave out the door when he stopped me, apologizing profusely, saying that after getting out of a fresh 7 year old divorce, he really didn't know how to date or even behave on one anymore, so after we came back to the restaurant he actually behaved like a gentleman. An hour later, he drove me back to my place..."
I interrupted her, teasing, a grin on my face. "Let me guess, you invited him in, he said yes, and then you threw yourself on him, and had crazy monkey sex."
She laughed. "I wish. He actually didn't want to come in, saying some bullshit reason about how he had a nice time, but would like to take things slow between us. A lame excuse. Just as bad when you call a guy upstairs and he tries to get away with a lie about how late it is, and that he has to go to work tomorrow.
What surprised me is that Emmett actually called the next day, and we had brunch. I took a few days off, and he took me to his yacht. It was fucking huge."
I laughed at the innuendo.
She rolled her eyes, laughing herself.
"So...then?"
"He took me to his little deserted cottage in the middle of nowhere, where we..."
"Monkey sex?"
"Can you stop interrupting me for just one second? Jeez, and you say I'm the one who's a pervert."
I grinned, and motioned for her to go on.
"There were no sexy times, but some other things... transpired." Then she gave a dreamy sigh. "You should see him Bella. The guy is all tall, with a 6 pack, and those huge hands of his? Let's just say he sure knows how to show a lady a good time." Then she winked, laughing at my disgusted face.
"Well...good for you," I muttered.
"Hello?"
"You must be reading my mind," he spoke, and I could almost sense the grin stretching momentarily over his gorgeous face.
My own smile appeared. "Why is that?"
"Because I was just thinking about you. And just when I was about to call you..."
"Your phone rang." I finished.
The grin was still there. "Exactly."
"Well, there is a reason why I called you, not just to hear your voice."
"Because you missed me?" he teased.
I did though, but telling him that, I only knew all too well how much he liked for his ego to be stroked. How his smug, cocky smirk would appear on his cute, adorable face.
"Actually, I was thinking of making some dinner and thought..."
"Done. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."
I laughed at his eagerness. "Okay. See ya soon."
After stuffing ourselves with food, we both made ourselves comfortable on the couch, sitting next to each other, his left hand on the sofa, while still leaning lightly on my shoulder.
"Bella?"
"Hmmmm?"
"Listen, I've been doing some research of my own about...well, you see..."
I removed my eyes from the TV to see why he sounded so nervous, and why whatever he was about to say unnerved him so much that his voice shivered ever so lightly. I turned off the TV, completely turning my body to him, ready to listen to whatever he had to say.
He opened his mouth to say whatever he had on his mind, but didn't let out a sound. Instead he leaned and kissed me. Light. Once. Twice. Before opening his eyes, looking at me seriously yet, still just a bit nervous.
"Like I said...I have been doing some small research on..well... shit,how can I say this without sounding like a perv?"
He sighed momentarily, rubbing his eyes.
"Just tell me."
"See, I was thinking of doing a bit of an...exercise... you can say."
"What kind of an exercise?"
"Well, I realized that there are some particular places where I can touch you without you being...overwhelmed. Like your face, or your hands. But I would like to explore it a little more. To see how well you respond to my touch. Sort of like a map, to remember the positive and the negative, where I could or couldn't even think of going near.
"I...guess that's not such a bad idea."
"But only if you want to try. You know I would never push you to do something that you wouldn't feel comfortable with or..."
My hand found itself on his face, my thumb moving over his cheek softly, trying to remove this sudden nervousness he was in. To know that I really do trust him."No, I know that Edward. I know you would never hurt me...so...yes. I'm ready to try. But how will this help me..."
"I'm not saying it will. I'm not a doctor or a shrink. It's just an experiment, okay?"
I nodded. "Okay. Now, how shall we proceed?"
"Just close your eyes. Relax. Think of your happy place."
I did exactly what he asked, closed my eyes and started to breathe. In. Out. And again, until I started to feel myself being comfortable, relaxed.
"Okay, now, if any of this begins to be uncomfortable to you, just yell, or say stop, and we'll end it on the spot, okay?"
I nodded.
"Don't try to be quiet just for my sake, or even hesitate to tell me anything...if it bothers you, no matter for what reason, no matter how tiny it is, just say it and we'll stop. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. Deal?"
"Yes."
Edward took both of my hands and pulled them closer to him, palms down on the couch, rubbing my arms slowly and soothingly up and down. After a few passes up my arms, he began working on my shoulders, massaging them ever so gently. I felt nothing alarming, no flashes, no nothing, just his smooth touch. As he worked up to my neck, rubbing his fingertips over my shoulders and way back, returning to my hands. He did that a few more times, from the knuckles to my neck. I was such at ease I could almost feel myself falling lightly asleep. Being true to his current method, he decided to finally try. Passing down my neck, collarbones, he ever so lightly-so light in fact that I barely felt it- put his fingers on my breasts.
"Stop," I yelled, tensing immediately. With just that little, light touch I got an irrational surge of instant panic that constricted my chest, gasping for air with the slightest tremble,wanting to remove as far from him as possible. But I didn't. Somehow I willed myself to stay in control.
"You okay?" he asked, removing his hands instantly behind his back.
"Yes. Let's try again."
"Again? You sure? I don't know if..."
"Yes, I'm sure Edward. Please." I said, this time leaning against his chest instead of the back of the sofa.
"Bella, this is not a quick fix or even something it could ease you or your phobia completely. You have to know this. It's just a small process, so don't be upset if it doesn't go well right away."
"I know. It's okay. Just...start again." I pleaded.
He seemed hesitant but seconds later, started again with the same routine.
Edward made six passes, doing the same thing as last time but buying a little more time with it then the last time. After the eight pass, he skipped on touching my shoulders, but lightly raking his fingers over my collar bones and chest, then quickly darted his fingers across my peaks. I instantly froze, yelling the word „stop" in a mildly frustrated tone.
"Maybe we should just stop for today."
"No. Just.. let's give it another shot. Instead of saying "stop", how about I choose a safe word. Maybe something like...actually nothing comes to my mind right now. You have any ideas?"
"Swan?"
I frowned. "Since when do you call me by my last name?"
He couldn't resist on smiling, just a bit. "I don't. I'm asking you what you think about the word "Swan"?"
I shook my head, not really liking that idea very much.
"That would be weird. Saying my name constantly...it won't work."
"Hm...vanilla?"
I had to grin at that.
"Seriously? Vanilla?"
"What's wrong with that?"
Plenty, I thought.
"Nothing. Just...okay, vanilla."
Few moments later,he started with the same routine. Massaging my fingers, knuckles, arms, shoulders, neck. Doing it for quite some time, until just like the last time, he got pass my shoulders and neck, going closer to my breasts.
I yelled the safe word as he touched my peaks, slightly tense, but not nearly close as the first time. He removed his fingers, going for my hands, once again. Massaging me soothingly,his soft, warm hands doing the same constant routine over and over. Momentarily, it felt like just another massage, and by that point, I felt so relaxed that I didn't even tense when his hands came closer to my collarbone, and went straight to my peaks. And for the first time, I felt no tension, no fear, just his warm hands over my shirt touching me ever so lightly.I opened my eyes to see his hand on my breasts. Touching, but not exactly groping them.
As his eyes looked at mine, he stopped, not probably knowing what to do next.
"More," I whispered, closing my eyes.
So he did it once again, probably to make sure of my reaction,massaging my shoulders until lightly going straight over them. Once again, I said nothing, but a tiny smile on my lips appeared.
He repeated the procedure, this time increasing the pressure of his touch against my skin as he worked from my fingers to neck, then dragged his fingers down harder, yet slower over my peaks.
Again, I said nothing. Just sighed a bit, feeling something else for the first time in a long time that wasn't fear, but slight pleasure. And need. Need for his hands. For his touch.
He kept doing the same, with just a bit more pressure this time,every time firmer than the next.
After a few more passes of his hands over me, my breasts, he finally took them in his hands, his touch light as a feather. A slight moan escaped my lips.
I was enjoying in his touch so much, I almost didn't realize when he stopped, instantly removing them from my body.
As I looked at the clock, it seemed like the whole thing took about two hours. If not less.
"What is it?"
"Nothing, just have to take a quick walk to the bathroom," he answered, taking a peek at his lap before quickly looking away.
Oh. In the midst of all this, I forgot about Edward, and just how much he was trying to focus on me and not his own pleasure.I guess I wasn't the only one who was enjoying this.
Even though I wanted for him to keep going, it didn't seem right for me to push us both more than we could handle right now. The progress that was made today would have to be enough.
"You going?" I asked as he was taking his coat,pushing his hands trough the holes of the sleeves.
"Yeah, it's getting a little late. Better get some sleep."
I walked him to the door, opening it for him.
"Edward?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you."
"Are you seriously thanking me for groping you?" he asked mockingly, a slight smile on his upper lip.
I smiled, even chuckled.
"No. Just...thanking you for...sticking around. For being patient with me. Not giving up."
The smile broadened. "You're welcome."
He gave me a light kiss, taking my lips in his, tasting them ever so slowly, gently, before wishing me a good night, and walking away.
So what do you guys think about the chapter? Was it boring? Interesting? Neither? You can tell me. Reviews are always a welcome :)
