Tiptoe to your room
A starlight in the gloom
I only dream of you
And you never knew
There's nowhere left to hide
In no one to confide
The truth burns deep inside
And will never die
Sing for absolution
I will be singing
Falling from your grace
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Okay, you all know what happened in the manga/anime – don't you? If not, quick, read it XD If you have no money to buy it, you can read it on youtube – but buy it as soon as you can, otherwise it's probably technically stealing... I'm not going to go over everything Light did as Kira, because that'd be boring, so if you've read it, you know pretty much what they found out – all the bits he did as Kira are the bits he can't really remember now.
Title and quote from Absolution by Muse. Another of my favorite songs, the whole album actually, I like to put this one on in the kitchen while I'm doing the dishes – and getting story ideas - and sing it really, really loud. XD
Okay, I have a request. Who wants a different ending to the original? XD Personally, I think the ending of the whole L/Light saga sucks, I would never have done it like that. Not just because of the sadness, but I don't think it helped the storyline, there never was that same sense of tension and competition any more. So I don't particularly want to – but I will if everyone thinks I should stay within canon... and damn, I've ended up with two stories occupying the same story-time so I have to do it twice, what the hell was I thinking? XD This was supposed to be a one-shot... sigh...
DISCLAIMER: Only the story is mine.
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I lean forward and put my head on your foot as you sit in your curled position on the couch. I want to touch you. I may never touch you again.
"Hmm," you say. "I think we've gone as far as we can with this for tonight. Have you any thoughts?"
I shake my head.
"You look tired, Raito," you say.
"Tired of life," I mutter. I feel more depressed than I ever felt in my life. I feel I'd be happier if I was dead, buried, dug up and eaten by scavengers.
"Already?" you say.
"Spare me," I say. "The last thing I need is a further helping of your shallow affect."
"That was actually my sense of humor," you say.
"It sucks," I say.
"You don't normally object to it."
"Surprisingly enough, I'm not in the mood."
You put your hand on my head. "Raito, go wash this disgusting slap off your hair, please. Right now."
I sigh and get up, go into the bathroom. Wash my hair. Go to the cabinet. There are useful things in there. Things I can use. I take them out and look at them.
"What are you doing, Raito?" you're standing in the doorway.
"I have a headache," I say, picking up the bottle of painkillers.
"You don't cure a headache with razorblades," you say, sweeping up my collection and pushing them back into the cabinet, closing the door on them.
I just watch you. The things are still there when I need them. You look at me, questioningly, take a step toward me. I take one back.
"Are you scared of me, Raito?" you look disturbed.
"Justifiably cautious," I say. "You might decide you want to mash me around the apartment some more."
"I didn't want to hurt you, Raito," you say.
"Really?" I say. "I had no idea it was so difficult for you."
"Don't push."
I sigh. "I'm sorry."
"I need to talk to you," you say.
"What else is there to say?" I wonder. "We've both seen the evidence. We know what I did. I don't remember it and I find it nearly impossible to believe, but there it is. What other explanation could there be? I'm Kira."
"I don't want to talk about that," you say. "Apart from indirectly. Come in the kitchen, I need some tea."
I follow you miserably to the kitchen, start cleaning up the mess while you make tea. I pick up the fridge and put it back in position, fill it with the food that Watari brought. Then I start to scrape up cake from the floor. What the hell was I thinking? No wonder I'm Kira, I'm obviously insane, look what I did, for no reason at all.
"You were talking about the time we were on the roof," you say out of the blue. "When you gave me your coat."
"Yes," I say. What has this got to do with anything?
"Do you remember what else you did?"
"Got wet?"
"Raito, this is difficult for me," you say. "Your flippancy isn't making it easier."
"Raito's flippancy has left the building," I tell you.
You give me a dirty look, then continue. "You – you held me."
"You were cold," I said. "You seemed so alone up there. That's what you said. That you wanted to be there, to be alone. As if I didn't matter."
"Is that what you thought?" you turn to look at me, spoon in hand. "I meant that I could still be alone while you were with me. That you don't disturb my thought processes the same way that other people do."
I think about that. I suppose it's a kind of compliment.
"You'd better get used to being really alone again," I say, as I remember that whatever you think of me, our time together is about to come to an end.
"Do you want to hear what I have to say, Raito?" you look annoyed now.
"Yes," I say. "I suppose so. Forgive me, Ryuuzaki, it all seems a little irrelevant."
"And when have you ever noticed I spend my time talking about irrelevancies?" you say sharply. "To return to my theme – if you don't mind – you held me on the roof. I liked how it felt. I thought about it afterwards and I decided I wanted to have sex with you. It seemed the best way of ensuring the maximum amount of physical contact with you."
I fling the last of the cake into the trash and reach for the mop, slowly, my back to you. I don't want you to see my face.
"Are you laughing, Raito-kun?" you say.
"I'm sorry, Ryuuzaki," I turn to face you, trying to calm the giggles that are threatening to overwhelm me. "It's just – that's the most drab and passionless description of desire I've ever heard in my life. Only you could have come up with that."
"You think I'm drab and passionless?"
"No, not at all," I say, sweeping the mop around the floor, cleaning up cream. "When you kissed me, downstairs – there was passion." I pause, reliving the moment. "Mm – definitely passion. But I think you have difficulty expressing yourself about that kind of thing."
"I'm aware that I sound like an idiot," you say, putting the tea things onto a tray. "Discussing my – my desire for somebody is not something I've ever had to do before. I expect to achieve more facility in the language of romance with practise. I'm a quick study."
"I know," I say, biting my lip to keep the laughter inside. You make a little sound, drawing in your breath.
"Did you burn yourself?" I say.
"No," your face is flushing slightly. "It's just – when you do that – when you bite your lip like that, Raito, it has an extremely profound effect on my libido."
That's it for me. I start to laugh, leaning over the mop, hanging onto it so I won't fall. I laugh until tears are running down my cheeks.
"Are you finished?" you say, eventually, when the shrieks have been reduced to hiccups.
"Um, yes," I tell you. I can see you're offended with me. "I'm sorry, Ryuuzaki. If you had any idea how bizarre this seems to me – "
"I can imagine," you say, stalking out of the kitchen with the tray.
I follow you, sit next to you on the couch, take the cup you pass me.
"How am I to discuss my – my feelings with Raito-kun," you say presently, "If he persists in laughing at me?"
"I'm not laughing at you, Ryuuzaki," I say. "I'm laughing at the situation. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Please go on."
"I may as well put on oversized shoes and an orange wig," you mutter, crossly. "Where was I?"
"Uh, you wanted to have sex with me," I say.
"That idea is not one I've conceived with regard to any other person, Raito-kun," you say, staring into your cup. "But there have been occasions, during the night, when I'm working, when I've thought that I might be more inclined to go to bed if there was someone waiting there for me. And when I think about what kind of person it might be, the similarities between that person and yourself are quite noticeable."
"You imagined you'd like to share your bed with a murderer?" I say.
"Leaving that aside," you say, "Raito-kun has many good qualities. He is extremely intelligent, principled, determined and – and attractive."
"You said you liked my bad temper," I add. "But you didn't like it tonight."
"Raito-kun is not the only person in this room with a temper," you say. "And my need for physical closeness with him does not include beating Raito-kun senseless in order to keep him under control. Even though to be controlled is what he desires."
"I should have expected it," I say. "That you'd be so good. You were just playing with me when we fought before."
"There is no harm in playing, Raito-kun," you put down your cup and shift in your seat, moving a little closer. "The more intelligent and complex an organism becomes, the more need it has for play and distraction. Raito-kun takes himself too seriously at times. I am relieved he does not find himself able to take me seriously at all."
"I said I was sorry – "
"No need to apologise," you say. "I can appreciate the humor of the situation. A man of my intelligence and talents, struggling with a simple declaration of affection. No wonder you find it laughable."
"I don't – "
"Raito-kun said that he loves me."
I fall silent, wondering what you want me to say.
"But before he destroyed my cake, he said that he thinks he was mistaken."
"I was angry," I say, staring down at my hands. "I didn't mean it. I didn't realise how much difficulty you were having with this situation. I thought your attitude toward me meant that you didn't care about me. I thought you were playing me because I care about you. Flirting and getting close to me so I'd confess to you."
"Then how do you explain that I made these advances to you before you had expressed your feelings towards me?"
"You would have known," I say. "It's easy to tell when someone wants you. How they look at you, how much personal space they give you, body language, all those things."
"Raito-kun," you say, "When you thought I was asleep and saw fit to declare your love for me, I was never more surprised in my life."
I look up. "You didn't notice?"
"I noticed that you seemed sad," you say, staring at the ceiling. Your thumb approaches your mouth and I watch in fascination. "I noticed that you were distracted. And that you slept poorly. And didn't eat as much as you did before. Unfortunately, I put these symptoms down to guilt or stress, it didn't occur to me that they could have another cause."
The thumb rests on your lips. Then slides inside. I sigh.
You put your head on one side, look at me enquiringly.
"The thumb sucking," I say. "Biting, whatever. It has the same effect on me that the lip thing does on you."
"It's fortunate that our personal habits are attractive rather than irritating to each other," you say.
"Not really," I say. "It doesn't make any difference now, does it."
"I have no conclusive evidence with which to indicate Raito-kun's guilt," you say.
"But I'm prepared to confess," I say.
"Raito-kun wishes to die?"
"Not particularly," I say. "But if I did all this, if I killed all these people, I should pay for it. No matter what I don't remember, no matter how little I can believe that I did all this, the fact remains that somewhere inside me is a murderer."
"Somewhere inside everyone is a murderer, Raito," you say. "That's part of what being human is, the capacity for violence. Most of the time, most of us restrain that inclination. You did, until you were affected by something that removed the inhibitions you have against killing."
"Nevertheless, I did it," I insist. "So I should – "
"I will decide what should and should not be done, Raito," you interrupt me. "And you will do as I tell you."
"Is this because I desire to be controlled?" I ask. "Although I don't know what gives you that idea."
"Fetch me some cake, Raito," you say.
I'm halfway to the kitchen before I realise and turn around to look at you.
You don't say anything, just raise an eyebrow at me.
"Bastard," I say. Then I go and fetch your cake.
After I give you the cake, I curl up on the couch next to you. We're both silent for a while. I know I should be thinking about my situation but I'm thinking about you.
"I knew Kira," you say, heavily. "Not as well as I know you, Yagami Raito, but well enough. You are not him. Not entirely. I saw you change, in your cell, from the person I knew to somebody else. To the person I know now. The person that would not kill without extreme provocation, even if tempted to do so."
"How can that be?" I say.
"I thought of the power to kill that Kira has, as being a tool, an ability," you say. "Now I'm thinking of it differently. As a kind of – possession. I know that sounds impossibly medieval – "
"You think Kira's some kind of evil spirit?" I ask.
"A demon, perhaps. The second Kira mentioned shinigami. Perhaps Kira is one of those. I don't know. What I do know is, that if you are put to death for these crimes, we are probably only punishing half the criminal."
"But the other half," I say, puzzling over this, "That part is with the third Kira?"
"I don't know, Raito."
"You must think I'm weak," I say. "To be taken over by some entity like that."
"Not weak, no, Raito, I'd never call you that."
"You say I want to be controlled."
"The desire to be dominated doesn't necessarily mean weakness," you say. "It can indicate the need for someone to respect and belong to. It seems to me that Kira manipulated tendencies that you have and turned them into something else. Your idealism became a conscienceless and ruthless drive to cleanse the world of crime by killing all the criminals. Your arrogance and insecurity were warped into the belief that you could be a god, untouchable and above reproach."
"I don't feel like that now," I say. "I don't feel a bit godlike. I feel like shit."
"You can never stop people being human," you say, thoughtfully. "That was your mistake. You would have had to kill everybody."
"I suppose so," I say. "I mean, I understand what you're saying. If everybody could be a criminal, given the right circumstances, then there are no completely good and innocent people to keep alive – Kira's whole premise was nonsensical. Mad."
"Foolish," you say. "Immature and thoughtless."
"Thanks."
"You're only eighteen, Raito, and despite your unique intelligence, you haven't the experience to deal with something like that, something evil taking over your mind and making it seem as if your actions were justified."
"If I was a good person," I begin, then see how you're looking at me. "Okay, there are no good people."
"Of course there are good people, Raito," you say, a little impatiently. "But it's a matter of choice. You aren't just born good or bad and if you achieve one or other of those states it doesn't necessarily mean that you'll stay that way for ever. Even Kira knew that, he didn't make a point of killing those who seemed to repent of their crimes or who had mitigating circumstances."
"So is Kira necessarily such a bad – " I start to say.
"Don't think it," you say. "Kira killed other people too. FBI agents, police, people who would theoretically be on the same side as him. That, Raito, is one of the reasons why I don't believe you were completely in control of your actions. You are too intelligent not to have worked out that you would have to do that sooner or later."
"Maybe I just didn't care about it," I say.
"At the time, I'm sure you didn't," you say. "But that was Kira, not you. And you would have killed me, can you tell me you would have wanted to do that?"
"No!" I exclaim. "No, I'd never want to do that, Ryuu, you're the most important thing in my life!"
"So it wasn't you," you say, staring at the ceiling. "Not entirely."
"What are you saying, Ryuuzaki?" I ask. "You can't justify what I did by saying I wasn't in my right mind. I must have the kind of mind that could conceive of doing those things."
"You do," you say. "You're intelligent, idealistic, arrogant, competitive, manipulative and a liar."
"I haven't lied to you for – for days!" I protest. "And you lie to me all the time, only today you lied to me about wanting me to be the next L."
"Which only goes to show how much we have in common, Raito," you say. "Because the description I just gave of you, could equally as well be applied to myself."
"At least I have social skills," I mutter.
You laugh. "Yes, you do, Raito-kun, and that is one reason why I have a better idea than having you put to death."
"Better?" I say. "But – "
"Raito-kun offered to pay for his crimes with his life," you say. "But perhaps he would be better employed in atoning for them."
"Atoning? How?"
"My offer still stands for you to come with me when I leave, Raito," you say. "You could work for me. It's not as humanitarian as joining VSO or the Red Cross, but I think I can say I'm usually on the side of the angels. And I feel I could find room for a fallen one within my organisation."
"Work for you?"
"You've probably noticed my, um, people skills are not of the best, Raito. And Watari is getting older, he may want to retire at some point. It would be helpful to me to have someone around who is not only as capable as I am of dealing with my casework, but who has the ability to charm the birds out of the trees if he so wishes."
"But then you won't win, Ryuuzaki," I say. "The case won't ever be completely closed – and you hate to lose."
"You will not have won either, Raito," you lean toward me, " And given the other factors involved here, I think I am inclined to settle for a draw."
"What other factors?" I ask, shifting so that our hands are just touching on the couch.
"You, um, love me," you say.
"That's one factor, Ryuuzaki," I prompt, when you don't seem about to say any more.
"Yes," you hang your head, black cloud of hair obscuring your face, but what I can see has a slightly pink tinge to it. "Also I wish Raito-kun to come live with me so that I do not have to be alone and remember a time when I was not alone, but had enjoyable company."
I look at you. You stay as you are, staring at our hands on the couch.
"Is any of this true, Ryuuzaki?" I ask.
You look up, indignantly. "All of it is true, Raito-kun!"
"I have to be sure," I say, my mind running over all the possibilities, estimating, theorising. planning. "You lie to me so often – "
"Raito – "
"No, listen to me," I gently put my fingers across your lips. "What I said before, about killing myself, I take it back. If you want to arrest me, have me brought to trial, I'll do what you want."
"I don't – "
"Shhh!" I lean forward, press my lips to yours briefly, and while that has you disconcerted, I continue. "If you want me to have sex with you, if that's why you're saying all these things, I'll do it anyway. I'll do whatever you want."
"You would – "
"I'd be glad to," I say. "Even if you plan to kill me. Don't you think I'd like to have one happy memory to think about while I'm waiting on Death Row?" I smile at you, your beautiful face, the curve of your neck sweeping into your baggy shirt, the half-shy, half-surprised expression on your face.
"So now you can tell me the truth," I say. "Because you'll get what you want either way."
You lean across, return my kiss to me, brushing your lips across mine. Before I can reach for you, you're gone.
"I have already told you the truth, Rai-chan," you murmur.
I smile at you. I almost feel it's wrong to be so happy after all I've done, all we've talked about. But I can't help it. The thought of being with you, sharing my life with you, I'm starting to believe I'm asleep and dreaming, surely this isn't really happening?
"We should go to bed, Raito," you say. "I'm a patient man, but – "
"No you're not!" I protest.
"Very well, I'm not, so don't keep me waiting any longer!"
You get up and go toward the bedroom and I follow you. I'm going to have sex with you. I'm going to have sex with Ryuuzaki! And I'm aware that I sound like my sister rhapsodising over the real Ryuga Hideki and I don't give a damn. Pride and arrogance have eloped together and they can stay gone as far as I'm concerned.
