A/N: CONTAINS tiny SPOILERS FOR SEASON 2 EPISODE 3
Somewhat sad chapter this week. In part, I've remixed the scene with Caroline talking about Kate selling her house, then Kate and Caroline discussing babies on the Oval. It's got a bit of everything in it, but quite a lot of the second half is based on the tiny, miniscule snippet in the 'Next week on Last Tango in Halifax' of Kate laying in obvious pain on the floor and Caroline calling an ambulance. I think anyone who watched it know what is going to happen, so I've done something with it. I have my own theories about what is actually going to happen - I think it's quite obvious if you pay attention to everything else that is going on - but this chapter came out the way it came out so I hope that's okay.
In other, happier, news anyone from the DWP community reading this, Life is a Struggle will be updated as soon as possible now that NaNoWriMo is over and done with. Third year in a row! AND I've finished my novel. Go me.
So, pay attention to this warning. You all know it's coming if you're watching the show at the moment. Once again this chapter is not beta'd.
WARNING: This chapter contains mentions and experiences dealt with during, and after a miscarriage.
-0-
"Can we talk?" Kate asked, appearing at Caroline's door just before lunch.
"I'm on duty?" Caroline said formally, not meeting Kate's eyes after her abysmal behaviour in the chapel earlier.
"That's fine." she said, tugging on the sleeves of her cardigan.
"Meet you by the cricket sheds in half an hour."
Kate nodded and left without another word and Caroline spent a minute staring at where she had been. It took Beverly calling her name to get her back to the present and she thanked her for the tea before sitting back down and trying to get the expenses reports done before going outside.
"I shouldn't have dumped that on you." Kate said quietly as they walked along the edge of the field.
"You were right." Caroline said, refusing to look up at Kate's face. "I was asking you for some sort of permanence so early in this relationship, giving you an indication of where I wanted this to go and you were doing the same. I," she paused, waiting for Kate to look up at her, "I'm really sorry I laughed."
Kate nodded and they started walking in silence again.
"Have you researched this?" Caroline asked quietly, not quite believing she was asking the question. She was so unsure about this whole idea, but she had asked Kate to sell her house and live with her permanently, without even talking about it with her children. She wanted to go slower, wanted to take her time, but she couldn't lose her house. She loved that house.
"I have." Kate said with enough feeling to let Caroline know that she was deadly serious. "There are a number of options, we can go the artificial way, but that's expensive, painful, difficult."
Caroline nodded and waited for Kate to continue.
"There's another way." she said quietly, "I, I know this bloke, he and I went out when I was at University, slept together I mean, and I know him really well and he's great, really great and a good person, like you."
"And what you'll just ask him to fill a cup?" Caroline quipped, stopping to stare at Kate's lovely face which was a bit pink, despite her dark complexion. "Kate?"
"Well, it's usually easier to get pregnant if you do it the natural way."
"YOU WANT TO-" she realised where she was and grabbed Kate's arm, "you want to sleep with him?"
"It would only be for a baby." Kate said in that voice she had when she was trying to persuade Caroline to do something she didn't want to do.
"But you would, what fuck him?" she hissed. Kate grimaced, but shrugged.
"Well yeah, but then that would be it."
"Does he even want kids?" Caroline asked, "what's his story? Is he married? When do you talk to him? Obviously you talk to him."
"He's divorced, around the same time as me, we kept in touch."
"Why don't you just marry him?" Caroline quipped, feeling a bit hot under the collar at the thought of Kate writhing under anybody but her.
"Caroline." she whined, "it's not like that. You should meet him."
"No I shouldn't," Caroline said, unable to get the image of Kate having sex with the unknown man, "I, I'm not really part of it, am I."
"What? Of course you are, as far as I'm concerned, the only people involved are you, my and the, our baby."
"Why didn't he have kids?" she asked rhetorically, "maybe he's firing blanks. What didn't you and Richard have any?"
"We did." Caroline's heart stopped along with her feet as her brain tried to catch up. "Four times. I," Caroline suddenly felt sick as she looked at Kate's heartbroken face, "I never got beyond twelve weeks."
"Oh god." she whispered, wishing she could reach out and take her into her arms and hold her, "I didn't know that."
"I just, if it's a daft idea, tell me, and I'll, I mean, I don't want to do it on my own, I just-"
"No, I," Caroline nodded, "I asked you to sell your house because I want you in my life Kate, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and," she smiled sadly, "babies are fundamental really aren't they."
"So that's, I mean, really?" Kate asked, looking shocked. Caroline knew she probably would be; it's not like she had ever said that before, or given any indication that that's what she felt, "I know it's not what you had in mind." Kate said carefully, "you're 46."
"I know that." Caroline said, glaring gently at the reminder, "but, I can do it."
Kate took a deep breath and let it out, a little smile playing on the corners of her mouth.
"Okay, well I'll email Greg, get in touch." she said quietly, smiling as Caroline nodded.
"Are you sure there's no other way?" she asked, looking down at her shoes.
"It's better." Kate shrugged.
Caroline nodded, falling back into silence as they walked back to the school. It might kill her to have an entire night of knowing Kate was in another's arms, a man's arms at that, but it might kill her more if anything happened to her. Losing Kate was not an option.
"You know that there's no guarantee." Caroline whispered, stopping before they got to the steps. "I'm not, I don't mean that-"
"I know." Kate said with that smile that meant she was sad, "I've lost every one I've ever had, but I want to try, just one more time, with you."
Caroline reached forward, before catching herself, and fiddling with her hair instead.
"I wouldn't, I mean I can't lose-"
"You won't." Kate said putting her hands in her pockets, probably instead of reaching for Caroline. "It'll be fine, you'll see."
Caroline didn't answer, but as they passed through the door, she brushed her hand against Kate's hip, letting her know that she wanted nothing more than to take her in her arms and kiss her.
"I'll see you at home." Caroline whispered.
-0-
So much had happened since their talk on the oval. Kate had had her night with Greg, who was, much to Caroline's chagrin, quite charming, and more than happy to give up his sperm in order to help their family grow more, without even asking for parental rights. So far all the tests had been negative, but Kate looked so desolate that Caroline knew she would be going out to buy another very soon.
"Mum?"
"Yes William?" Caroline called from her place at the bench where she was sipping wine.
"MUM!"
Something in his voice startled her and she got up, frowning when she found he wasn't in the living room.
"MUM, WE NEED YOU NOW."
Her heart paused in her chest and she raced up the stairs to see William crouching on the floor in the bathroom next to a Kate, who was lying on the floor panting in what looked like agony.
"Move." she ordered, kneeling next to her Kate and taking her hand. "What is it, what's wrong?"
"I, something's wrong." she cried, holding her stomach. Caroline looked down, and noticed a growing stain on Kate's trousers, and she felt her stomach turn over.
"Get a towel William." she ordered, pulling out her phone and calling 999.
"Service please?"
"Ambulance."
She answered the questions as they were put to her, but the whole time she did, she was looking at Kate's tear stained face, wanting to take her in her arms and tell her it would all be alright.
"I'm sorry." Kate cried, "I'm so sorry."
"Don't." Caroline said, shaking her head, "don't apologise, it's okay, it's going to be okay."
"It's not, I can't, I should have-"
"Kate, please." Caroline whispered, gripping her hand as tightly as Kate was hanging onto hers.
She could feel the tears running down her face, and Caroline knew that it mirrored Kate's, even as she tried to hold it together. She'd sent William to open the door for the ambulance and she could hear them coming up the stairs.
"They're here." Caroline soothed, despite her feeling her control slipping away from her, "they're coming sweetheart."
"Caroline."
-0-
It was the longest journey of her life. William had stayed home to wait for Lawrence to come home from rugby, and then they would try and get a hold of their granny about getting a lift to the hospital. Caroline wasn't sure what would happen, but as she walked quickly beside Kate, holding her hand, as they wheeled her through the corridor, a blanket placed over her lower half almost as if they were hiding what they knew was happening. To try and help them forget. They took her through a double door and Caroline didn't even have time to say goodbye before a nurse was holding her back.
"I just want, I don't-"
"It's alright love." he said quietly, "they'll do their best alright?"
Caroline threw off his hands and stormed up and down the corridor, pacing constantly, until she felt the whole weight of what she knew had happened drop onto her shoulders.
"Oh god." she moaned, leaning against the wall and sobbing uncontrollably.
She was curled up in a ball, rocking herself back and forth praying constantly to God or whoever that it would be alright, that Kate would be fine. She was heartbroken about the baby they didn't even know about, but she couldn't lose Kate, not now, not ever.
"Sweetheart?"
She looked up, nose to nose with her mother, who had Lawrence and William in tow, both hanging back in the corridor with Alan.
"Mum." she whispered, her lower lip trembling, "she, we had a, but she didn't-"
"It's alright love." Celia whispered, wincing as she knelt beside her, "it'll be alright."
Caroline felt Celia's arms go around her, and the tears fell again, refusing to stop until she felt like she'd cried every single drop of water from her body.
"We got you some water Mum." William said, sounding so sad as he sat on her other side, passing her a bottle of water.
"Thank you." she rasped, swallowing some down immediately. "I need to find out what's going on." she said, coming to her senses slowly. "I don't even know how long she's been in there for."
"They know you're here love." Alan said gently, "I made sure t'tell 'em where we are."
"Thank you." she sighed, leaning against Celia's shoulder.
"Kate McKenzie?" an orderly called, causing Caroline to scramble up from the floor faster than she thought possible.
"Yes." Caroline barked, coming to stop before the woman.
"Are you family?" the woman said, looking down at the chart she was holding.
"I'm her sodding girlfriend." Caroline said dangerously.
"I can only take one of you." she said looking past Caroline to the others.
"We'll be fine out here." Alan said, patting Lawrence on the shoulder.
Caroline couldn't say anything in case she started crying again, but she nodded, and followed the woman down the hall.
"How is she?" she finally asked as they came to a stop outside the room, "I mean, did she lose-"
"She lost the baby." the nurse said gently, "the doctor will be around to talk to you very soon and there's a grief counsellor available if you need one." leaving her alone at the door to Kate's room.
Caroline stood at the window, staring at Kate through the glass. She was heartbroken and Caroline felt the same. She almost couldn't go in, but then she realised how selfish that was, how very much like the old Caroline, so she took a deep breath and said one final prayer before going inside.
"Caroline." Kate whined, sounding broken.
"Oh Kate." she whispered, sliding a chair next to the bed and kneeling on it, wrapping her arms around Kate's convulsing shoulders and holding her as she cried. "Sweetheart, I have you."
She stayed in the same position, ignoring the effects Kate's tears were having on her blouse, ignoring the pain in her knees from the uncomfortable position on the chair, and ignoring her own tears which were rolling down her face and into Kate's hair. She only wanted Kate to heal, only wanted her to be happy again.
"I'm right here." she whispered, not really knowing what else to say. It wasn't until she leaned back to wipe her runny nose, she noticed Kate was fast asleep, tears still running down her face.
It was all Caroline could do to keep from bursting into tears again, and she sat, holding one of Kate's hands in hers and stroking her fringe back constantly, hypnotically, wondering how on earth they were ever going to get through this.
"I'm right here." she said, almost as much to herself more than to Kate. "I won't leave and I'm not letting you go either. We'll find a way to make you a Mum." she bit her lip, "I promise you darling."
She rested her head next to Kate's, breathing in the same air for a while, pressing a kiss to her swollen eyes. Kate stirred, but didn't wake, so Caroline closed her eyes and imagined Kate's beautiful face, lit up again. Imagined a baby in Kate's arms, a toddler calling for their Mummy and Kate's face lighting up. Anything other than the horrid drab walls of the room she was currently in, weighed down by the thought of their baby, their baby they didn't even know about, now gone.
