It was the first time their son used that word against him, and it rendered him speechless.
His relationship with his own father had been close to non-existent. It had been years since they spoke and the last conversation they ever had was full of screams. He promised himself his entire life that he wouldn't be like his father, patronizing and a drunk. He knew he would unconditionally love his children for the people they would be and he would support them in their life endeavors. He would kiss their cuts and scrapes, he would hold them through their nightmares, and he would help them with their homework every night. He was going to be there for his kids, he was going to be the man he desperately craved to have in his own life as he grew up.
Jay Halstead's dream came true on August 7th of 2021, when his baby boy, Andrew William Halstead, came kicking and screaming into the world. The second he had laid his eyes on him, he fell in love. He cut the cord with a gentleness that even he never knew he had. He watched the nurses clean him up on the heated bed before wrapping a diaper around his waist and slipping a hat on his head.
The first time he held him in the hospital, he could feel his arms shaking. He was holding his entire world in his arms, and there was no way he would let it down. He knew he would lay out his life in a second, he would tend to the needs of his child.
The first year of Andrew's life had been eventful. Jay watched his son experience many things for the first time, like learning how to crawl and learning how to walk. He watched his son figure out that the feet he was always grabbing was his own and that when he splashed water in the tub during a bath, it was him making the splashes. Tears were brought to his eyes when he first heard the sound of his son giggling and the first time he uttered the word 'dada', even if it wasn't his first word.
Andrew's first time being sick was a nightmare. He was cranky all the time and never found comfort doing anything. Whether it was Erin resting him on her chest or whether it was Jay carting him around all night, he never seemed to get comfortable. He cried to the point where he would tucker himself out, falling asleep in the oddest of places. Erin had saved his face from dunking into his mashed peas one night at the dinner table. He was sick for a week, before he turned back into his happy self.
It was close to Andrew's second birthday, that the Halstead family grew to 4. A baby girl, looking much like her brother, was the newest addition. She took up a lot of her parents time, leaving them to worry if Andrew was getting enough attention. They agreed that they would both alternate nights they gave him a bath and read him a story. They would also try to do one-on-one activities with him as much as they could.
Life seemed to be going by too fast for their liking. Soon Andrew was starting his first day of school. As Jay and Erin dropped him off, they couldn't help but fight the tears in their eyes. The last 5 years of their lives had gone by in a heartbeat. Their busy schedule of trying to raise two children with the demanding hours of their jobs seemed to keep them on their feet 24/7.
Jay watched Andrew from the door, with his little princess, Taylor, bouncing in his arms and Erin standing next to him, obviously wiping tears from her eyes. He couldn't wipe the grin from his face watching his son walk through the doors of his Kindergarten classroom, he couldn't be more proud.
And before they knew it, both their children were teenagers in high school. Andrew was now almost 16 and Taylor was 14. They went to the same Catholic school that Jay went to when he was growing up, it was a family tradition for the Halsteads.
It was on a Saturday evening that Jay heard that word uttered from his son's mouth, one he wished his entire life he wouldn't have to hear.
The morning started like every Saturday morning. Jay and Erin were always up before 8, getting breakfast prepared for the kids before one of them would be trying to get them out of bed. It was a hassle of going back and forth between the two bedrooms making sure the kids were attempting to get out of bed instead of falling asleep over and over again. Today was Jay's morning.
He first knocked on Taylor's bedroom door before opening it and peering in. He could tell she was still asleep by the sounds of her even breathing. He approached her bed before placing a kiss on her forehead and mindlessly rubbing his thumb on the skin of her arm. He was greeted with a groan and her blue eyes seconds later.
"Hey, breakfast is almost ready. I'll be back after waking up your brother." He shook his head as he watched her bury her face back into her pillow as he was leaving.
He knocked on the door across the room where he had just exited before walking in. He could see Andrew's eyes open from the faint light coming in through the blinds.
"Big game today, breakfast is on the table."
Andrew had a passion for sports ever since he could walk. He played every sport possible growing up before deciding on a couple to focus on as he went into his teen years. He was currently playing soccer, hockey and baseball. Today was his baseball team's championship game.
After breakfast, Jay would start helping Andrew loosen up, making sure he was always warmed up before the family would pack into the SUV and head to the baseball diamonds. Andrew would always be out the car first, running towards the fields as Erin and Taylor would head for the bleachers. Jay would give Erin a quick kiss before making his way to the Coach's box, setting up his lineup for the day.
He watched the team warm up before he was making his way towards home plate to shake hands with the coach of the other team. Andrew was scheduled to pitch during the game and Jay could feel the nerves radiating off of him.
"Hey, relax. Whatever is going to happen will happen, you can't change that. Just have fun."
"I can't, it's the championship game, Dad."
"Well, it's natural to have those feelings. Take some deep breaths."
Soon enough, Andrew was out on the mound throwing some last warmup pitches. He looked towards the bullpen, noticing the smile Jay was giving him.
The first pitch he threw was sent over the fence and he couldn't help but hang his head in embarrassment. He could hear Erin's encouraging words from where he stood but all he could do was berate himself. He dared to look in Jay's direction and saw him standing with his arms crossed over his chest.
It seemed to get even worse from the first pitch. After walking the next two in the lineup, Jay came out to have a word.
"What's going on?"
"Uh, I don't know…"
"Get it together, relax. Just breathe like I told you to." He turned away, heading back towards the dugout, releasing a breath he didn't know he was holding.
It all went downhill after that. Andrew pitched two innings, allowing 5 runs, before Jay had had enough. He gingerly walked over to his son and stuck out his hand, motioning towards the baseball. Jay gave him a pat on his back as Andrew shot daggers at Jay.
Andrew threw his glove into the ground the second he made it to the bench before sitting down on it. He leaned against the cool wall watching the next pitcher warm up. His eyes watched Jay walking towards him, praying that he didn't get one of his lectures. His prayers came true when Jay came back into the dugout and sat next to him, saying nothing.
They lost the game 6-5. After the game, the family wordlessly made their way to the car. Erin could feel the hostility coming off of Andrew, and she had a vague idea as to why he was mad. She kept a close eye on both her son and her husband as they drove home.
"How about you grill something up on the BBQ when we get home?" Erin proposed to Jay. "We could have dinner outside today, the weather seems nice."
"Yeah sounds good to me." He looked through the rearview mirror as he drove, watching the reactions of his kids. He noticed that Taylor was expressionless, still engrossed in her phone, and he managed to catch the end of Andrew's eye roll.
Once home, Andrew went straight to his room and slammed the door behind him. Erin and Jay just gave a look to each other before Jay exasperatingly huffed a breath out and turned towards the stairs.
He knocked gently on the door before letting himself in, finding his son's face stuffed in his pillow. Jay gingerly walked towards the bed, before sitting down on the edge next to him. He placed a hand on the small of Andrew's back, rubbing small circles with his thumb.
"You didn't have to take me out of the game like that." His voice was cold and full of anger. Jay sighed exasperatingly before he replied.
"Everyone has bad days, you don't need to be mad." He soothed.
"You took me out of the game in the second inning! That's so fucking embarrassing!" Andrew yelled.
"Whoa, okay. First of all, watch the language. Second, you need to relax a bit."
"Dad, now would be a good time to leave. I already hate you enough."
"Andrew-" His voice was cracked and pleading.
"Please."
"Okay." Jay placed his hands up in surrender before he got off of the bed and walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him.
When he got downstairs, it was evident from the look on Erin's face that she had just heard every word spoken between the father and son. She approached him and placed a comforting hand on his chest.
"He's just mad, give him a couple hours, he'll come around." All he could do was nod at her proposition before walking out onto the deck, firing up the grill.
The evening went by quietly, not many words spoken by anyone in the Halstead family. Erin checked in on Andrew a couple times after his fight with Jay, finding him either asleep or still pissed off. He didn't want to eat dinner, likely not wanting to face his father, so she left him alone.
After making sure both kids had gone to bed, Erin joined Jay on the couch watching TV. She wrapped her arms around him as his arm came around her shoulder, placing a quick kiss on her lips.
"You okay, you've been quiet lately."
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Jay, talk to me." He sighed before taking his eyes off the TV screen, looking down at her.
"It's just, all my life I've hated my own Dad, even told him that. I just knew I wasn't going to be like him, someone who my kids would hate. Just kinda makes me think you know?"
"Babe, you're the best father to our children. They both love you so much. Andrew's words were just said on impulse." He didn't reply to her, only shifting his gaze back to the TV. "Let me take you to bed, help you relieve some tension."
His mouth went dry as he watched a sly smile stretching on her lips. Jay quickly turned off the TV before following closely behind his wife.
Although his mind had been preoccupied for the next couple of hours, he got out of bed at around 2:30am, not being able to sleep. He quietly went down to the kitchen, turning on the lights to the island and grabbing a beer from the fridge. He played with the label around the bottle as he sat at the kitchen table.
"Can I come in?" His son's voice had startled him from his thoughts, but Jay smiled at him warmly before pulling out the chair next to him.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I, uh, I just wanted to talk." Jay nodded at his words, encouraging him to continue. "I just wanted to apologize, for, uh, what happened earlier."
"Hey, it's okay. I know you didn't mean it."
"Are you mad?"
"I could never be mad with you, don't ever think that okay?" Andrew nodded, looking towards the floor. "Did I ever tell you why you haven't met my Dad?"
"Yeah, he died."
"Yeah… but before that?" Andrew shook his head no.
"You're just a hassle to this family, a waste of time!" His father's words echoed through his ears as Jay's face was met with his Dad's hand. He had just been suspended from school earlier that morning for picking a fight with one of his bullies and was given a 3 day suspension. His hungover father had gotten the phone call to come and pick his son up from the school, and that's when the chills went up Jay's spine.
The ride home was quiet, but he could feel his father's angered aura radiating off of him. He knew his mother would be at work, so it would only be him alone with his Dad until Will got home.
The second he walked through the threshold of the front door, the back of Jay's head was met with a dizzying force. He stumbled a bit before regaining his composure and turning around, his eyes wide.
He endured the blows and the words for about an hour, before Patrick Halstead had retreated into the kitchen, likely going to grab a beer. Jay took it as an opportunity to lock himself in his room and allow himself to cry. He never liked to cry. It was engraved into his brain by his father, 'real men don't shed a tear'. It was that idea of masculinity that Jay had had to live with, and as he got older, it just became a habit. Showing emotions were a sign of weakness. So he just got better at hiding them.
He fumed as he paced the small confines of his bedroom. The anger he had towards his father was palpable, but even in his clouded thoughts he knew his small build would be nothing compared to his father's.
It was when his mother's comforting arms wrapped around him that he allowed himself to let go of all his emotions. She whispered kind words and reassurances into his ear, combing her fingers through his hair. She washed and bandaged his injuries before placing a soft kiss on his cheek. The one near the eye that was bruising because of his father's knuckles.
"I hate him." His words were broken and his voice cracked as he spoke. His gaze stayed fixated on the floor as he spoke, not willing himself to look anywhere else.
"I know, honey. But you know what I always tell you."
"Be a better man than him." They both spoke in unison.
"You're going to be an amazing husband to a very lucky girl some day, and you're going to be an even better father, Jay. Trust me."
Jay smiled at the ground as he tried to hide the fresh tears in the brim of his eyes. He cleared his throat before standing up, putting his empty bottle next to the sink. He turned around to face his son again, and smiled down at him. He wished his mother was here to see him, and he knew she was watching over his family.
"Come here." Andrew stood up and walked over to his father, wrapping his arms around him. They stood there for a few moments before Jay placed a kiss on his cheek.
"Ew. That was gross." Andrew laughed.
"Okay, sorry. But I think it's time for bed, let's go." Jay said, chuckling himself.
/
Review Please!
