Fifth Year – Part One
Remus had passed by the compartment twice before he realized that it was, indeed, their normal meet up spot on the Hogwarts Express. The last compartment on the train had become a sort of safe haven for the four of them ever since they joined Remus there on that fateful day. But now, as Remus skeptically peered into the glass windows, he was boggled as to what had happened to their sacred space.
Having to attend the mandatory prefect meeting for the first twenty minutes of the train ride, Remus had not been able to greet his three friends properly on the platform. Before Remus had even gotten there James had already spotted Lily, beginning another long year of torturing her with uncomfortable flirting techniques and Peter was once again late as usual. When Remus had seen Sirius he tried to wave to him, but the boy quickly walked off into a large crowd of people. By the time the four of them had finally found each other, they had to board the train and Remus was shuffled off to hear the drones of responsibilities that now came with his badge.
He looked into the window once more, making sure that those were really his friends and then very cautiously opened the compartment door. Instantly the loud chatter and laugher hit Remus and filled the long hall he was still standing in. He stood in the doorway, eyeing his friends curiously.
"Hullo," He tried to say, but the noise was overwhelming and nobody turned to greet him. They all seemed completely unaware and distracted with each other instead.
Inside were several people he had never met before, several girls and pretty girls at that. Two seemed to be giggling over Peter's shoulder as his chocolate frog began jumping away from him. Peter's eyes lit up as he grinned like a cat at the attention they were giving him and Remus almost smiled at the thought of him wooing someone until he turned to see Sirius. The black haired boy was seated on the opposite side of the train with three other girls at various positions around him. He was telling a captivating tale of mischief during his summer and the although they all laughed appropriately at the right spots, Remus doubted they were playing any attention to his words and focused solely on the way Sirius kept throwing a hand into his black hair and flipping it. Sitting next to them sat James, with a girl seated comfortably on his lap. He was playing with her long hair as he whispered things into her ear and the girl smiled and blushed at whatever it was he was saying.
Between all the laughs and flirtatious remarks, nobody seemed to notice Remus finally slip in and take a seat opposite Sirius and his posse. He took his time glancing at all three of them and wondering what the hell was going on.
"Remus!" James finally cried after a minute or so. He stood up suddenly, knocking the unaware girl off his lap and onto the floor. She gave a short wail as she hit the ground hard and Remus jumped up immediately.
"James! What are you doing?" Remus reprimanded him, trying with difficulty to get to the girl in order to help her up. The compartment was only made for six people and since there were several students too many, he couldn't maneuver over quickly enough before she'd stood up by herself.
James ignored his scold and reached his hand over to clap him on the back.
"Missed you too mate!" He smiled and then quickly turned around. "Alright ladies, the last of the us has arrived, if you'd be so kind to exit over to your right, we have much to catch up on."
Several of the girls frowned with being kicked out so suddenly but reluctantly stood up anyway and began making their way out the door. One who had been seated cozily next to Sirius gave him a quick peck on the cheek before leaving and Sirius grinned, looking very satisfied with himself.
"You don't have to-" Remus was starting to say, feeling awful about forcing them out the door, but James quickly grabbed him and sat him down next to him.
"How was your prefect meeting?" James joked as the compartment door shut behind the last one out. He ruffled up Remus' hair in a teasing manner. "Did you finally learn how to be an upstanding citizen?" Remus knocked his hand away and stood up, reseating himself next Peter.
"Who were all those people?" He asked, ignoring James' question and looking over at Sirius.
"Oh, just some birds." James replied casually.
"Just some birds." Remus repeated, frowning at the phrase. It seemed entirely inappropriate to him. Rude, he thought. He looked at Sirius, hoping he might share a similar feeling and join him in scolding James for saying offensive remarks, but the other boy seemed bent on not meeting Remus' eyes, staring nonchalantly at his nails instead.
"Yea," Peter continued. "Sirius found them on the platform and convinced them to join us!"
"Did he?" Remus said with sudden surprise. He had assumed this had all been James' idea, seeing as the boy loved attention so much. Remus glanced at Sirius, waiting for the other boy to acknowledge his presence and chime in on the conversation to explain himself.
He didn't.
"Yup!" Peter said grinning. "You should've grabbed one! They were awfully pretty."
Remus furrowed his eyebrows and turned his head towards Peter.
"Grabbed one?" Remus said slightly agitated. "Are girls now like chocolate frogs? I hadn't been aware." He said sarcastically.
Peter, realizing he'd angered Remus, shied away and sank into his seat.
"Well, you know what I mean." He said, crossing his arms in what Remus hoped was shame.
Remus glanced around at the three boys sitting near him. This wasn't right. The three of them had always been troublemakers but they had never been ignorant. Well, at least not when it came to girls. Something seemed terribly off about the whole thing.
"I thought you hated dating, Sirius." Remus said, trying to force his friend to look at him. "All last year James had to beg you to ask someone out."
Sirius finally looked up at Remus and casually threw a hand behind his head.
"Well that was before I realized how brilliant snogging was." He replied with a devilish grin and winked. James and Peter let out loud laughs but Remus couldn't find anything amusing about the statement. "Besides, who said anything about dating." Sirius added.
It took all of Remus not to let his jaw drop to the ground. In all the time Remus had known him, Sirius had only ever ignored advances from the female population, half the time he was oblivious if a girl even looked at him or not. Now, all of a sudden the boy was talking about snogging them and walking away without any commitment. Either someone had the real Sirius locked up somewhere and had taken a polyjuice potion to pose as him, or something dreadful had happened over the summer and Sirius was acting out against it. Remus could see no other reason for his odd behavior.
"With all this attention, I'm sure to win over that ginger's heart this year." James said smugly, interrupting Remus' thoughts.
If Remus could have frowned any more, he would have. They were all acting like prats and Remus wasn't sure if he was more confused or angry. He quickly stood up and reached for the door handle, hastily grabbing for his suitcase.
"Where are you going?" James called after him.
"I think I'm going to hang out with, what was it you called her?" Remus mocked angrily. "Oh yes, the ginger, instead." With that he slammed the door closed behind him and began making his way to Lily's compartment.
James and Peter sat stunned, unable to understand what had Remus in a fury.
"What's his problem?" James asked.
Sirius who seemed to have no interest in the sudden outburst merely shrugged his shoulders and closed his eyes.
"The prefect badge has probably already gone to his head." was all he said.
XxxxX
Sirius sat with his knees up against his chest as he stared down at the sleeping form in front of him.
They had done it, he thought to himself astonished.
After all the times he had passionately convinced James and Peter to not give up or stop trying, Sirius was never entirely sure if he ever believed it himself. Now, staring at Remus' limp body in the Shrieking Shack, Sirius knew he had finally been right about something.
James and Peter laid several feet away in the cold and barren room, sleeping off the excitement that the previous night had caused. The three of them had been prepared to argue and reason with Remus about what they had done as soon as he transformed back, but once the sun had come up Remus all but glanced at them before falling to the ground in exhaustion. Casting awkward looks at each other as of what to do, they decided to catch some sleep themselves and wait for Remus to come fully aware before explaining what had happened.
Several minutes after Sirius had heard the light snores of his other friends drift off, he had stood up and walked over to Remus. His mind had been racing too wildly with what he'd seen in order to sleep and decided to keep a protective eye over werewolf instead. He'd quietly thrown a blanket over the other boy's naked form, blushing slightly while doing so, before having sat down next to him.
Now he sat, counting the breaths coming out of Remus' mouth as a disturbing thought ran through his head.
The wolf had accepted them as comrades within minutes and looking at Remus now, Sirius realized that the boy hadn't attacked himself. A few bruises from rough housing and naturally Remus would still feel weak from the transformation itself, but no scarring injuries. Everything had gone perfectly, which was why Sirius couldn't understand why he still felt so miserable about it.
James, Peter, and him had hidden themselves under the hatch that connected to the underground tunnel from the Whooping Willow, planning to emerge only when they were sure Remus had fully changed, not wanting to risk throwing him into a panic. But once the first cries of pain had reached Sirius' ears, he reacted out of instinct; quickly opening the hatch while the other two boys tried to stop him and transforming into his animagus form. He had imagined Remus changing a million times over in his head, but it was nothing compared to actually seeing it in person. His dog form had whined with every crack of bone he heard, every scream of agony. Now the cries seemed to replay over and over again in Sirius' head, making him grimace as if he was in pain too.
"It's not enough." He whispered to no one. He gentle reached his hand over to stroke a stray piece of Remus' hair out of the other boy's face, but then quickly snatched his hand back. He glanced around the room making sure no one had seen him while silently scolding himself.
He'd promised during the summer to cure whatever schoolgirl crush he had on Remus and he was trying with every inch of his being to make good on it. He had read somewhere that in order to move on you had to see other people. But what had started as a way of diminishing the feelings he shared for Remus, quickly turned into a way of proving to himself and to others that he wasn't gay. Instead of seeing one or two people, Sirius began agreeing to dates with just about anyone who asked him. Every single one proved to be slow torture, which only made him more eager to agree to more, hoping that someone, anyone would be able to help him keep his mind off of Remus. None of them did though. Every time he tried to kiss a girl, his insides turned sour and he could barely keep his mouth from clamping shut. One girl, who had been rather bold, actually lifted his hand to place it onto her chest and Sirius nearly had a heart attack trying to get away from her.
The worst part of it all was the way Remus looked at him anymore. It was as if he knew exactly what Sirius was trying to do, reading straight through his easy smiles and jests about snogging in broom closets. He had figured Remus might react with anger or annoyance at his new behavior, believing he could deal with either of those responses, but the only look Remus ever gave him was one of utter disappointment, his face frowning as his eyes held heaps of sadness in them. Sirius grew sick with guilt from the expression every time he did something to warrant it. He quickly found that he had an especially hard time faking indifference to the judgment of someone he admired so much.
Nonetheless, he was determined to end the emotions that followed him whenever he thought about Remus. It might take months or even years, but he was sure he could do it. He had managed the animagus spell hadn't he?
"Sirius?" Remus' voice rasped out and his body shifted.
Sirius quickly reached out to help his friend, allowing his arms to tightly cling to the weak body, supporting it.
"Where are w-" Remus started, and then, immediately recognizing his surroundings, Remus' eyes grew big and he pushed Sirius violently off of him.
"Don't touch me!" He hollered in a panic. He tried desperately to scramble to his feet but tripped over the blanket that had been covering him, bringing him to his knees. He placed a hand against the floor to keep himself from hitting the ground completely.
"Remus," Sirius tried to explain, but Remus shook his head in earnest, panting with worry.
"Get out of here!" He cried at him, "I'll hurt you!" He threw the blanket off to the side and rushed to stand up. His cries woke up James and Peter and the two of them quickly stood up, realizing instantly what was happening. Seeing them, Remus cried out in dismay, hurling himself into the nearest corner in order to distance himself from all three of them.
"You have to leave!" he sobbed, "I'll change soon…"
"Remus," Sirius said calmly, approaching him slowly with the blanket in his hands. "It's over. You're not going to change, it's morning."
Remus, still panting, quirked his head up in confusion and then looked towards James and Peter. The two boys shook their heads in agreement with Sirius, letting the other boy know he was telling the truth. Remus looked between the three of them, trying hard to understand. He glanced towards the window and on seeing the sunlight peek through the tattered frames, he let his body drop in relief into a crouched position on the floor.
"But," he began, bringing a hand to his heart and trying hard to calm himself down. "How-Why are you here?"
Sirius took bold steps towards him before crouching down to meet his eyes and just as before, draped the blanket over his body. James and Peter quickly followed, stepping up to help explain. Sirius pulled Remus' arms out from under the blanket and turned them over in his hands gently so that Remus could see.
"Look," Sirius said, gesturing to Remus' hands. "You're not hurt Remus. And you're never going to hurt yourself again either."
Remus followed his gaze, taking a moment to stare at his perfectly healthy arms. He threw a look of astonishment at Sirius before shifting around to inspect other parts of his body. He let his hands and eyes feel and search for any tears in his skin, carefully looking over every inch of himself. When he was finally convinced that there were no marks, he glanced back at the three of them, confused.
"I don't understand." He said simply, his voice still weak.
"We were with you." Peter said with a small smile. "We didn't let you hurt yourself."
Remus' eyes only stared back in bewilderment.
"But I would've killed you if you were here." He replied earnestly.
Without another hesitation, James quickly transformed into his animagus form. Remus gasped at the sudden change and moved back slightly, his hands dropping from Sirius' as his back hit against the corner of the wall. Before he had a chance to say anything, Peter changed as well, followed quickly by Sirius and soon three very different animals surrounded him. Remus stared in amazement, his breath caught in his throat. It took him a moment before he bravely reached out a shaky hand to the black dog in front of him, making sure that what he was seeing was really there. It nuzzled into his touch and then quickly turned back into Sirius.
"You didn't…" Remus trailed in disbelief, his hand still frozen in place within Sirius' hair. As James and Peter both turned back, Sirius took his friend's hand and placed it on the ground where Remus let it lay still.
"You'll never be alone again Remus." James said, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
"Sirius," Remus began, still staring at the boy directly in front of him.
Sirius knew what he was thinking. Remus had figured it'd all been his idea, doing something so rash and dangerous without telling him. Who else could it have been? Certainly not Peter, and James, though brash himself, would never have invaded Remus' private life like this, something he repeatedly kept under lock and key.
"I-" Remus started, staring in amazement. To Sirius' surprise, his eyes weren't full of anger or resentment, as Sirius had prepared for, but of gratefulness.
He flushed, realizing the boy was trying to thank him.
Panicking with the idea of accepting the gratitude and admitting his involvement, he quickly tried to find a way out of the situation.
"It had all been James' idea," Sirius blurted out, trying to find a quick escape. "He's the brilliant one, not me."
James shifted his gaze from Remus and glared at Sirius in confusion.
"What are you talking about, you ponce, no I d-"
"Don't be modest James," Sirius interrupted him. "You know we wouldn't have been able to do it without you."
Sirius was caught off guard as Remus flung his arms around him, not hearing a word and standing on his knees to pull Sirius into a tight hug.
"You're a idiot." Remus whispered, clinging tightly, "So unbelievably daft."
Sirius, who had stiffened against the embrace, found himself smiling at the odd praise.
"Thank you." Remus whispered into his ear.
"It's nothing." Sirius replied, giving up.
His answer caused a short laugh to emerge from Remus, making it clear that it was much more then nothing.
Realizing Remus wasn't letting go anytime soon, Sirius placed his arms around him, trying hard to ignore the fact that this was the first time they were this close since being under the invisibility cloak last year and the more obvious realization that this time Remus was stark naked. A few seconds later and Sirius found himself gently pushing Remus away from him, not thinking he could hold himself together much longer.
"We need to go, Pomfrey will be coming soon." He said as an excuse. He quickly picked himself up from his knees and dusted himself off as James and Peter said their goodbyes, patting Remus on the back. The three of them began walking towards the hatch.
"There's clothes for you in the corner Remus." Peter added before they began descending into the opened floorboard. Remus nodded with understanding and watched as both Peter and James began climbing down.
As Sirius reached to grab the invisibility cloak before following behind them, he looked over at Remus one last time and gave him a small smile.
"Alright?" he asked.
"Never better."
Remus' giant grin was the last thing Sirius saw in the Shrieking Shack before hopping down into the tunnel and heading back to Hogwarts.
XxxxX
Remus struggled to concentrate, feeling as though the whole world was against him finishing the last two scrolls of his Magical Creatures essay. He looked enviously over at Lily, who had been diligently working on her paper all evening and seemed to be just finishing up. The two of them had met up in the common room to keep each other company while working on various assignments. It was an arrangement that let Remus feel as though he had some sort of social life while still keeping his class assignments handed in on time. It was also noted that Lily proved to be a great resource of information. If he had any problems remembering which type of tree Bowtruckles preferred to live in he could easily ask her instead of fishing out his textbook for an answer.
Yet despite the accessible help Lily offered, Remus couldn't seem to get anything done. If he was honest with himself he knew that his attention span had been dwindling ever since the start of the term, most of it because of the issues surrounding his three best mates.
Despite joining him on full moons now, Remus had been feeling extremely detached from his dorm mates. The idea of them drifting apart had his mind racing in circles every night as to the reason and often left him feeling unusually agitated. He couldn't explain away his irritation, but he did know that his inability to connect with them any longer was largely due to their current behaviors.
Their newfound obsession with the opposite sex had Remus at a loss. Peter, no doubt, loved the attention. The boy had always been considered, much like Remus was, as a person constantly living under the shadow of both James' popularity and Sirius' cunningness. Now suddenly he was being given amorous attention and Remus couldn't blame him too harshly for basking in it.
James, on the other hand, had always been given an extraordinary amount of admiration. The only explanation on his part was that he was using it as a means to make Lily jealous. Not only did this bother Remus because of the way James was using naïve girls for a private goal, but also because he was toying with feelings for an impossible outcome. Lily had yet to notice or care any time James tried to show off by walking by with a pretty Gryffindor on his arm, loudly flirting and giggling. Within the past months she had repeatedly told Remus how relieved she was that James had finally moved on. Remus hadn't the heart to correct her and even though Remus disagreed with James' tactic, he at least understood the reasons behind it.
What really bothered Remus and had kept him up several long nights was what Sirius had to gain from it all. As far as he knew, Sirius had no one to make jealous and as for attention's sake, Sirius had always been well liked by the majority of the students at Hogwarts. Nothing Remus could think of explained why the other boy would be so adamant about dating so suddenly. Unlike James, who had taken two or three girls around, Sirius had been eagerly switching partners almost weekly, jumping from female to female with no intentions of calling them his girlfriends.
And it wasn't only his serial dating that had Remus confused, it was also his attitude towards others. The humorous teasing Sirius used to display so much during his early years was now turning into something much crueler. James and him had begun picking ruthlessly on younger Slytherin students and these incidents were looking much less like playfulness and much more like bullying.
Remus sighed with vexation, tossing his unfinished paper aside. Hoping to distract his thoughts away from Sirius, he reached into his rucksack and pulled out another project he'd been working on since the first full moon. Very carefully, he pulled apart the parchment onto his lap. He frowned, eyeing the poorly drawn map of Hogwarts and realizing how much work he still needed to do. The lines that outlined the school's grounds were still disappearing off the page at random points and the names of people roaming the halls and rooms would appear and then vanish in short flashes, giving the map a spasm Remus never intended.
After his friends had shown him what strenuous lengths they had gone to in order to make Remus' transformations more bearable, he had been at a loss for words. Knowing he'd never be able to express how grateful he was, he'd decided that he was going to have to do something incredible in order to thank them properly. His map, if it came out anything like he imagined it would, hopefully would take the place of the words he'd never manage to express.
As Remus began gently touching the end of his wand to the parchment, he heard the portal door open and looked up. Sirius was stepping through, followed by a shy looking girl he remembered was named Anwen. Remus froze, realizing the two of them were coming in together. His eyes followed them distractedly as they made their way to a couch near the corner of the room. Sirius, always putting his best charm first, gestured for the young girl to sit down and she smiled as she sat, holding her books tightly to her chest and looking nervous. Sirius quickly landed next to her, letting his arms and legs graze against hers, smiling handsomely. Remus stared unblinking, his mouth becoming dry as Sirius leaned in close and whispered something into the girl's ear. Anwen smiled and as Sirius slowly righted himself up again, his eyes flitted over to Remus, causing the latter boy to quickly swallow the distaste in his mouth and look down out of embarrassment.
"Bugger!" Remus jumped.
His wand, that had been trying to make corrections to the map, had teetered off the parchment during Remus' stupor and created dark black lines onto his trousers instead. He quickly nudged the map aside to clean up the mess.
"Something a matter?" Lily asked. She placed her book on the table in front of them and slid herself closer to him on the couch.
"It's nothing," he replied frustrated, already casting a quick cleaning spell. He smoothed his trouser's leg out, making sure he had gotten every line before taking another quick glance across the room again. Sirius seemed to have already forgotten about him, now holding Anwen's hand and pretending to read her palm.
Remus suddenly felt very irritated.
He couldn't remember the last time the four boys had all been together in the same room for more than five minutes, let alone Sirius and him having a private moment to themselves. Now the boy in question was spending a majority of his free time with people he hardly knew, shamelessly gripping their hands and touching them in a way that should be considered intimate and meaningful. Sirius knew this girl just about as well as he knew Snape's parents.
Remus grit his teeth in annoyance, watching Sirius let a finger trance down the length of Anwen's hand.
The way Remus saw it, Sirius had traded in their friendship for cheap giggles and a few kisses, replacing the time they used to spend together with empty conversations of flattery.
It was maddening.
At the very least he could have found someone he actually cared about, someone who really knew him. A person who could make him laugh and smile as well as be able to calm down his anger streaks. Someone who saw past the Black name and realized how horrible they treated him. Someone-
"Remus, are you alright?" Lily asked from his side. She placed her hand gently on his knee, stopping him from bouncing his leg anxiously up and down, a habit that had only recently formed.
"Sorry?" He asked, feeling as if he couldn't concentrate on anything other then Sirius's slow moving finger.
She looked at him curiously while taking her hand back. When his leg began to move again and he turned from her gaze, she sighed and sank back into the cushions, giving up on trying to coax anything out of him.
"Can I tell you something?" She asked after a moment.
Remus, whose eyes darted back and forth between Sirius and Lily nodded his head without uttering a word.
"We snogged." Lily whispered excitedly.
Remus snapped his head to her.
"Who?" He asked, suddenly bewildered.
"Sev and I!" Lily replied as if it was obvious. She rolled her eyes at him and then smiled. "We snogged a looong time." She emphasized, entirely too happy to share the event.
Remus grimaced.
"You too?" He groaned, fidgeting in his seat. He felt his leg shake feverishly.
"What are you talking about?" Lily asked.
"Is there something about turning sixteen that makes everybody act like bloody animals with the opposite sex?" He retorted.
He felt his face grow red with anger and Lily looked back at him, clearly offended.
"We're not animals, Remus just because we fancy each other." Lily snapped back at him.
Remus turned away from her, trying hard to bite his tongue from a cruel response.
He was never like this, never unable to control himself. This would usually be the time when the calm and understanding Remus would've started apologizing for being a git, realizing he was letting too much of his own emotions get in the way. But today, there didn't seem to be an understanding side to him, not one he could find anyway. All he felt was frustration and anger, and a burning sensation at the base of his chest that was so strong he swore it was going to burn a hole through his robes.
He couldn't shut it out, as much as he tried. He wondered in concern what was causing him to loose so much of himself.
"If you want a girlfriend, all you'd have to do is ask someone." Lily remarked suddenly, slamming a book as she threw it into her bag.
He felt his blood boil at the comment.
"I don't want a bloody girlfriend." Remus barked back at her, his last reserves leaving him. He grit his teeth with rage, tired of everyone seeing his opposition as jealously for not getting a good snog for himself.
"Well then maybe you should just finally tell your friends that they're acting like prats and stop taking your lack of courage out on me!" Lily threw back at him, a vein practically popping out of her forehead.
Her voice carried loudly through the common room, causing several eyes to glance their way. She stepped closer to him, lowering her voice and jabbing an accusing finger into his shoulder.
"Admit it," She dared him, "You're mad because for the first time in years you're finally seeing them for who they really are and haven't the courage to stand up to it."
"That has nothing to do with it." Remus countered, standing up and meeting her head on.
"Really?" she replied sarcastically. "You think I don't see the looks on your face every time Sirius makes another girl cry by breaking up with her, or how you grimace every time James castes the Levicorpus spell on first years? You have that bloody prefect badge but are too scare to use it and now you're having it out on me!"
"If you want to have a talk with someone about courage then you should talk to Snape." Remus replied coldly.
"Don't bring him into this," Lily scoffed, rolling her eyes.
"You think Snape will ever admit to kissing you?" Remus continued, ignoring her comment. "You're ready to cry it out on Gryffindor tower but the truth is Severus will never allow you to. He'd keep you hidden in a closet for your entire life if he could because he's ashamed to be seen with you."
A cold silence fell between them as Remus realized what he'd said. His face went straight from anger to shame within seconds and he scrambled quickly for redemption.
"No-," He tried, reaching his hand out desperately to Lily, but she jumped back from him as if being burned. "Lily, that's not true."
Her face, void of all color only stared back at him, not believing his callousness. Her mouth tightened as a gloss formed over her eyes. Trying hard to keep herself together, she reached for her bag on the floor and slowly threw it over her shoulder.
"Whenever you decide to grow a pair," she said shakily. "let me know."
She moved quickly before giving Remus a chance to stop her, heading straight towards the girls dormitories. Remus threw a hand into his hair as he plopped himself down on the couch, feeling every bit as horrible as he should. He glanced over to where Sirius was but found the boy gone, Anwen too.
He sat there few a moment, looking around at all the groups of students still inside the Common Room, never feeling more alone in his life.
A/N:
Please review :-)
