Chapter Seven - Fatally yours
The damage is done
What could have been is over
Before it began
Couldn't you have told someone?
It was almost midnight when I returned from Nadir's house. I must admit I had expected a slightly different reaction from him when I told him about Illina. It was indeed unexpected news, I give him that. But I could sense he was very sceptical and rather reserved about it, and the doubts he had tried to conceal angered me. No, not just anger. They hurt. It almost seemed as though my contentment was a character deviation to him, something that wasn't supposed to be. The worst part was that I didn't understand why. Out of all the people in the world, he was supposed to be the one to comprehend best how urgent my need for... love really was.
I made no sound as I entered my house, not wanting to wake Illina, who had probably gone to sleep a while ago. I had told her not to wait for me when I left, knowing I might be home late. At first I had contemplated taking her with me and officially introducing her to Nadir, but eventually decided against it. I had wanted to be alone with my good friend when making a confession of such utmost importance. Illina wasn't too disappointed about having to stay home. She understood my reasons for not bringing her, and I really appreciated it.
Now I was looking forward to holding her again, to falling asleep with her in my arms. I opened the bedroom door, impatient to catch a glimpse of my sleeping beauty – and found the bed not just empty but also unused.
I blinked in mild confusion, unable to believe my eyes for a moment or two. Then the information of what I saw really sank in. She wasn't home. But where else could she possibly be at this late hour? Turning around, I headed to the adjacent room where Lazaro's crib was, but secretly I already knew she wasn't there either. The house was as silent as the grave, she wasn't here. And neither was the baby. Still, I pushed the door open, staring into the empty darkness once more. Panic was rising inside me. Where was she? Where did she go? Why did she leave? Seeing how she'd taken Lazaro with her, I knew she hadn't just gone out to get the tea. She must have waited for me to head over to Nadir before sneaking out of the house. Suddenly I understood why she hadn't be too sad about having to stay here. She'd been up to something all along. My pulse quadrupled as the anger grew stronger, and I clenched my fists.
Where could she be? What could possibly be a reason for her to leave my house after nightfall, especially in my absence? Why hadn't she told me she needed to go somewhere? I returned to the living-room, staring out the window for I don't know how long before I started pacing the room frantically, asking myself the same questions over and over again. A possible answer was pressing at the back of my thoughts, but I refused to believe it. After all, it was because of me that she no longer lived a hard and dangerous life on the streets. I had given her everything she needed, had lavished attention and devotion on her. And that kiss by the window... I had never felt such a connection between two people. It had been more intimate than any of the nights we'd spent together, and I was so sure it meant as much to her as it did to me. Or at least I had been until now.
What was she doing? Who was with her right now? Terror washed over me when the same horrendous images that had overtaken my mind before assaulted my imagination once more with brute force. I pressed my hand to my temples, groaning and panting, trying to shut them out. But it was a lost battle.
A fat old man's greedy groans and breathless pants. His sloppy kisses on her skin. The grunting. Calloused fists ripping her dress.
"No," I whispered to myself, gulping, nearly suffocating myself because of the large lump in my throat. Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard glass shattering, but when I felt the pain in my chest I knew it had been something else.
I spun around when I heard the key being turned in the lock, quietly and carefully as though someone did not want to be heard. Remaining where I was, I blended in with the shadows and listened to the sound of tiptoeing feet. Illina's breath was low and quiet. Apparently she wasn't sure whether I was already back or not, and it looked as though she was trying to sneak back in without being noticed. I would have found it rather amusing if I hadn't been so furious.
Waiting until she was at level with me, I silently emerged from the shadows.
"Welcome home, Illina."
She gasped loudly and jumped, almost dropping Lazaro. Spinning around, she stared at where she assumed I was in a kind of shock that I found hard to describe. But it was irrelevant anyway.
"You're back already!" It wasn't a surprised question, it was a statement made with an undertone of fear in her voice. I knew she could tell I was enraged. She had been with me long enough to learn that lesson well.
"Indeed I am," I replied, dangerously quiet. "And I am most horrified to find out that you are betraying me in my absence."
I watched her wince at the sharpness of my voice, and I almost enjoyed it. The rush of adrenaline through my veins, the sweet taste of power and superiority... a cold smile overtook my features. A few days ago, I had let my guard down for a brief moment. Maybe it was time to demonstrate that it still didn't mean I could be deceived or manipulated. And perhaps I needed to show her I could put it back up within a moment.
"Erik, oh God... I wasn't – "
"Where were you?" I hissed angrily, taking two quick steps towards her. My jaw clenched when she moved away, running from me, towards the little chamber. I followed her swiftly, grabbing a hold of her arm just as she lay Lazaro down in his crib.
"I gave you everything you asked for!" I roared as I roughly pushed her against the wall. I heard a thud, then she groaned, but I didn't care. "I took you in, cared for you and your son!" I spat, stepping up to her closely, locking her between me and the wall. "And this is how you repay me? Sneaking out of my house at night to whore with other men?"
"Erik, listen to me – "
"Do you find me repulsive, Illina?" I growled. "Or perhaps you don't like being treated with respect?"
"Erik, no – "
"This is something I can help, you know," I laughed bitterly as I gripped her wrists, holding them above her head with one hand as my other went to her cleavage, fingertips brushing over the delicate skin for a moment before I hooked my fingers into the material of her dress and simply ripped it off her.
"Maybe that dirty little harlot inside you cannot help but crave the abuse," I sneered as I pressed my face to her chest, sucking and biting the skin mercilessly. Her heartbeat was fast, too fast for excitement or joy. No, she was scared. She was terrified. And my black heart swelled with pride at the fear that was resounding in my ears. It was like a rush, an unstoppable surge of satisfaction. She had gone too far, and now she was going to pay the price for that.
She struggled against me as I undid her dress, using brute force wherever impatience was faster than my hands. "Hold still!" I snapped, crushing the weight of my body against hers. She cried and begged me to stop, and I looked at her and laughed.
"Remorse comes too late, my dear," I whispered darkly into her ear. "You forgot that you belong to me. But don't worry, you will remember."
I pulled the last lace, giving the ragged dress a downward yank so it became a puddle around her feet, leaving her in her white undergarments. White, the colour of innocence. Soon it would be stained with blood and tears. Everyone eventually falls from grace.
Overwhelmed with wrath and the obsession to make her mine once and for all, to ruin her for any other lover, I crushed my lips to hers, biting her lower lip and forcing her to open her mouth, ravaging it recklessly. She tried to draw back, but I grabbed her face and held her in place, taking what was mine until I tasted blood. I pressed myself against her once more, my blood boiling, and my fingers raked at her thigh as I bit down on her neck hard, trying to force back a squadron of tears that suddenly attacked me from behind my eyes.
"I gave you my heart," I whispered breathlessly, closing my eyes as time suddenly slowed down to the point of standstill. "You broke it. Do you know how that feels? No, you don't. But I will make you feel it!"
And I kissed her again, even harder than before, raiding her until there was nothing left except the taste of sour iron and bitter salt. The tension inside me became unberable. The need, the wanting and the pain. I needed to get it out. My knuckes were white because I kept holding on to her hands with all my might. I shifted my weight to undo my trousers, my fingers slipping up her wrists just a little...
But it was enough. I should have known that in life or death situations, you develop strength you never thought you had.
It was already dark in the room, but my surroundings faded to complete black at the very same moment I heard porcellain shatter. Then the pain shot through my body as if I'd been struck by lightning, and I let go, tumbled backwards until I felt an obstacle at the back of my knees that made me fall over. I struggled for my balance, but it was a lost battle. My head was throbbing, and I felt disoriented, helpless as I fell. I hit the ground hard, and new pain filled me.
I groaned in pain and closed my eyes, slipping into unconsciousness.
The first thing I heard as I surfaced again was Lazaro's loud, siren-like cries. They pierced my ears and echoed through my mind like a terrible alarm, and I blinked rapidly, trying to chase away the fog that was blurring my range of vision. Slowly the mist cleared up, and at first I was lost.
Dim, orange light from a candle. A broken red rose on the floor, drowining in a puddle of black water. Pieces of a vase.
My mind was a blank until I saw Illina. She was curled up on the floor about ten feet away from me, like a foetus inside a mother's womb, her arms wrapped around her scraped knees. Her dress was gone, the only clothes she wore were her torn undergarments. She was sobbing quietly, staring ahead with emptier eyes than ever before.
Then I realized that blood was trickling down my temple. My shirt was partly unbuttoned and it was wet, stained with the red from my very own body.
It wasn't until Lazaro's cries re-entered my mind that I realized that I had done this.
Terror overtook me within a split second, and the need to breathe became an endeavour close to impossible. Suddenly I felt cold, and I shivered. No. No, I couldn't have done this. How did this happen? I was desperate, shocked. Struggling to get to my feet, I eventually failed, and so I crawled over to Illina on my hands and feet.
"Illina... angel..." I panted, reaching out for her.
"Stay away from me!" she yelled shrilly, lashing out so I quickly withdrew my hand. "Don't touch me!"
I stared at her then, so unspeakably tempted to burs into tears. But I was paralysed. It was lost. It was all lost now. A few weeks ago, I had saved her from being violated by three mindless youths. And now I had done it myself. What did it matter I hadn't gone through with it? I had unleashed the monster inside me, and it had destroyed us both.
Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes turned into hours as we lay there on the floor, unable to move away, to flee from this horrific scene of human tragedy. But even as I shed the tears, that burning question was still spinning in my mind.
"Where were you?" I whispered hoarsely, dreading the answer as much as I craved it.
An unbearable silence followed, and I swear I could hear both our hearts pounding violently as shaky breaths drained me of my energy. By the time Illina answered me at last, I was too exhausted to feel anything anymore, except... internal death.
"I meant to tell you, Erik..." She was still crying, her arms wrapping around her stomach protectively. "I went to see a doctor to confirm it... it was supposed to be a surprise."
song credit: Already been too long, by Mike-Leon Grosch
