I felt like Saturday couldn't come quick enough. Since I knew that my brothers were letting me go to the BBQ, I felt like I could really look forward to it since I wouldn't have to feel guilty about lying or scared of getting caught. Ford almost put a spanner in the works though. When it came up at lunch on Friday and he heard whose house the party was at, I saw him frown at me over the table. I knew it was because of the state that he had found Olivia in at a lake party at the beginning of the summer. She had been so drunk that she had passed out and Ford, knowing her and fearing for her safety, had taken her home along with a couple of friends of his.
Sure enough, after lunch, he cornered me as I was coming out of my bedroom.
"Ford!" I said, putting my hand over my heart. "What are you doing standing outside my room like that? You scared me!"
I had thought that everyone apart from Hannah was outside working.
"Sorry. I was just about to knock when the door opened," he said.
"It's okay. What's up?" I tried to keep my tone light even though I had a fairly good idea of why he wanted to talk to me.
Ford looked at me sternly which is very un- Ford like.
"What's this I hear about you going to a party at Olivia's tomorrow night?"
"It's a BBQ, not a party," I corrected.
He rolled his eyes, "Whatever you want to call it, it's a party, Heidi."
I crossed my arms. "Okay, so it's a party, so what?"
"So, I'm worried about you going there. Have you forgotten about me finding Olivia completely wasted earlier this summer?"
"Shhhh! Keep your voice down!" I said, pulling Ford by the forearm into my room and shutting the door. I didn't want anyone to hear our conversation, especially one of my oldest brothers or Hannah.
I felt extremely irritated that of all people, Ford should be giving me a hard time about this. Normally, he could be relied on to pretty much mind his own business where I was concerned and leave the whole protective big brother thing to Adam, Brian and Crane. I took a deep breath though and tried to calm down. I still get overwhelming feelings of anger sometimes, but Julia has helped me to understand that feeling angry is just covering up another emotion. Before I stopped seeing her, we had been working on staying calm in frustrating situations and trying to see the other person's point of view instead of flying into a rage and getting myself into trouble.
"Look, I get that you're worried about me and that's real sweet, Ford. But seriously, you don't need to worry. Adam or Brian's going to take me there and then pick me up. Plus, Olivia's parents are going to be there. And I'm not going to be drinking. I promised Adam and Brian."
Ford looked only slightly mollified by my words, "You better not, Heidi. Otherwise I'll have to kick your butt."
"Ooooh, I'm scared," I said, laughing.
Ford, though, had never looked less like laughing.
"If you don't take this seriously, I'm gonna tell Adam and Brian about Olivia," he said.
I schooled my face into one of contrition. "Okay, okay, I'm taking you seriously, Ford. Please don't do that- if you do, they'll definitely change their minds about letting me go. And it'll be fine. You worry way too much."
"I do worry about you, Heidi," he said, looking at me seriously, echoing his words from earlier in the summer. "I'm gonna be gone in just a few weeks to college. I want to make sure someone's looking out for you."
I almost laughed at that, given that I felt like I always had a million pairs of eyes on me watching my every move. But Ford looked so earnest that it moved me a bit.
"I give you my word that I'll be responsible, Ford. I mean it," I said.
I think he believed me because he didn't say anything then. It was sort of an awkward moment. Ford and I have never been particularly close but since I became more of a 'teenager', we had drifted further apart, especially over the past year where I had just been so unpleasant to be around.
"I'd better get outside," Ford said. "The guys'll be wondering where I am."
"Okay."
Ford turned and headed out the door. As he did, I said, "Ford?"
He turned around. "Yea?"
"Thanks. You know- for caring and stuff."
"Of course," he said softly. "You're the only little sister I got."
/
I spent probably way too much time on Saturday thinking about what to wear. I really like clothes and fashion, but living in the area we do, and on a ranch and everything, I don't get too many occasions to dress up. Plus, although I had dresses and skirts, I didn't have anything that would be considered 'sexy' because my brothers would never let me out the house wearing them. Even if I went shopping with Hannah, she wouldn't condone me buying anything she thought my brothers would disapprove of. In the end, I decided on a really nice pair of blue jeans which were figure hugging and black top. It wasn't too low and covered my midriff. Anyway, I would be going to Olivia's before the others arrived, so I thought if needs be, I could borrow something from her vast and eclectic wardrobe.
I also tried, on Saturday morning, to find one of my middle brothers who could pick me up from Olivia's later that night. Preferably, it would be Daniel who I knew understood what it was like to feel trapped and desperate to spread your wings. I was in luck- when I'd found him down by the stables tacking up his horse, he told me that he could swing by Olivia's and pick me up on his way home that evening from a gig in a bar in Sonora.
"The only thing," he said, "is that we're not gonna be done with our set until probably around 11, and then we gotta pack up our equipment so it's not likely I'll get to you before midnight and I really don't think the guys are goin' to want to let you stay out that late."
"Oh…" I said considering. "You're probably right."
I sat down on a bale of hay.
"Why do they always have to be so strict, Daniel?" I said, feeling frustrated.
Daniel hefted the saddle onto his horse. But instead of securing it, he came and sat beside me on the hay bale.
"Because they love you. And you're a girl. And you've been really vulnerable lately, so you can't blame them for being protective over you."
"I know. But what does being a girl have anything to do with it? It's not fair that I'm being punished for something I can't control."
Daniel nudged me playfully. When I looked at him, I could see that he had that teasing look on his face that he got when I was over dramatic about things.
"You're not being punished- Adam and Brian are protective over all of us. And even though they do treat you differently because you're a girl, it's understandable," he said.
"Why?"
Daniel lowered his chin to give me 'the eye'. He gives me that look when he thinks I'm being deliberately dense about something.
"Come on, Heidi, don't play dumb. You know how it's different for a girl. Guys at your age can be real jerks. Hell- guys can be jerks at my age! Adam and Brian don't want you gettin' hurt- either physically or emotionally. None of us want that."
"You mean hurt like a guy forcing you to do something you don't want to do?" I asked.
"Right," Daniel said. "Being the youngest, you're everyone's baby, especially Adam and Brian's. They want to protect you for as long as possible. Guthrie too."
I sighed. "It's annoying though."
Daniel laughed. "I know. Someday you'll be old enough to make your own decisions and go anywhere you want, but until that time, you're gonna have to hang tight."
He bumped me with his shoulder. "How about going to get your favourite brother a glass of lemonade?"
"But Guthrie doesn't like lemonade," I said, keeping a straight face.
"Guthrie doesn't have a car and hasn't made an offer to pick you up from a party tonight," Daniel said, playing along.
I got up. "Good point. One glass of lemonade coming right up."
/
But, in the end, my plan to have Daniel pick me up from Olivia's was quashed by both Adam and Brian in one foul swoop. Both came in a little early before lunchtime and were washing up at the sink, drinking coffee, and generally milling around. Hannah was there too, buzzing around the kitchen preparing lunch. Now that she was in the second trimester, it seemed like she had even more energy than normal.
In hindsight, it was probably foolish to have the conversation with Adam and Brian together since they were always more formidable that way. I decided to bring it up in passing, hoping that my nonchalance would rub off on them. So as I was setting the table, I said, "By the way, Daniel's said that he can pick me up from Olivia's tonight, so you guys don't have to."
"I thought Daniel had a gig tonight," Brian said from his place at the sink.
I deliberately didn't look at him. "He does, but he said he could pick me up after."
"I don't think so, Heidi," Adam said. He was sitting at the table, holding a cup of coffee. "That'll be much too late- what'll it be, after midnight? No way. Either Brian or I'll pick you up at 10.30."
"10.30! That's way too early, Adam," I shrieked, forgetting that I was meant to be the new 'mature' me.
"We have early starts here, Heidi," Brian said. "The later we pick you up, the later we get to bed and the less sleep we get."
"And that's why you should let Daniel pick me up. Then you can go to bed as early as you want! Anyway- you stay out really late sometimes! Why can't I?"
"I'm twice your age and an adult. You're only 15, and just 15 at that. You're lucky you're gettin' to go to this party at all. Stop back talkin' before we change our minds."
"But I'm only saying that-"
"Heidi," Adam boomed. It stopped me in my tracks. He looked really pissed off.
"Stop. This is not a negotiation. Either one of us will pick you up at 10.30, or you don't go. It's that simple."
I glanced at Hannah who had so far stayed uncharacteristically silent. She gave me a sympathetic look, but I could also tell that she thought I should pipe down.
I took a deep breath and tried to remind myself of what Daniel had said earlier, repeating the mantra 'It's out of love, it's out of love' in my head.
It didn't help me feel any less frustrated, but I was able to contain myself lest Adam revoke permission to let me go.
/
Adam dropped me off at Olivia's house that evening a bit earlier than she had told everyone else to arrive. Just so we can get ready together, she'd said on the phone. On the way there in the truck, Adam gave me another lecture of sorts about being responsible.
"Remember, Heidi, we're trustin' you to stick by what you promised. No drinkin', no smokin'- regular or pot. We clear?"
"No alcohol, no cigarettes and no illegal substances- got it," I said, smiling at him a bit to try to lighten the mood.
"I mean it, Heidi Mae."
"So do I!" I said. "I promised before that I wasn't going to do anything irresponsible and I meant it. Anyway, I'll only be there a few hours before you pick me up. Quit worrying!"
Adam took his eyes off the road to look at me briefly.
"It's my job to worry about you," he said, "especially as I know what teenage boys are like. And Guthrie won't even be there to look out for you."
"I can look after myself, Adam," I huffed, affronted.
Adam didn't answer that either way, but he looked sceptical.
Rather than continuing with the same thread, I decided to change tactic.
"Adam, what were you like as a teenager? Before mom and dad died, I mean. When you were my age?"
Adam side eyed me and then looked back at the road. "I was a perfect angel," he said.
"Ha! That's not the impression Hoops gives about you when he comes over. Or Robbie. Or Brady," I said listing some of Adam's friends who had been to the house and told me stories of Adam in his youth.
"Liars. All of em."
I laughed. "I don't think so. Rumor has it that you were wild in your day."
"Yea. Well. Do as I say, not as I do."
/
When I got to Olivia's, we spent some time getting ready. I let her tease my hair and paint my nails, but I resisted when she tried to get me to wear a little black top that was essentially just a bra.
"But you've got the perfect figure for it!" she said.
"If whoever comes to pick me up sees me wearing that, I'll be grounded until I'm 18!" I said.
"But you can change again before they arrive."
But the whole subterfuge thing seemed like too much effort. And doing that would feel dishonest because I would know that it would sort of be like lying. I wanted to keep the promises I had made to my brothers.
The other girls arrived together soon after that, and it was like a reunion of sorts. Olivia and I had become friends with Vanessa, Mia, Krista and Robin at the beginning of our freshman year at high school. I hadn't seen the rest of them all summer because I had been keeping a low profile. I didn't know how much they knew about how I'd been feeling either, or how much Olivia had told them, but nobody mentioned anything to me, which I was glad about. Instead, they filled me in on their summers and the group of boys they had been hanging around with.
"And Frankie's bringing his cousin who's just moved to town for senior year," Mia added towards the end of the conversation. "That's okay, right Liv?"
Olivia shrugged nonchalantly.
"Sure- it's not like there isn't room. And my mom and dad won't care. I've told them they have to stay upstairs- out the way."
"Urgh, can you imagine moving in your senior year? I'd hate that!" Krista said.
"Why's he moved?" asked Vanessa.
Krista shrugged.
"Who knows…"
The girls talked about the guys for a while- which ones they thought were cute, which ones they wanted to hook up with- that kind of thing. Listening to them was sort of shocking in a way. It seemed that they all gotten up to so much over the summer. Sexually I mean. I knew because Olivia had told me, that she had gone to third base with a guy she had met over the summer, but from what Mia and Vanessa were saying, they had both gone all the way completely- Mia with one of the guys coming to the BBQ and Vanessa with a guy she had met at another party. It made me feel uncomfortable and out of my depth especially when Krista remarked that I'd need to catch up. I knew she was joking, but it still made me panic a bit inside. I had only ever kissed a couple of guys, and even then, they hadn't meant much to me. I couldn't even imagine feeling comfortable enough to have sex with someone.
I was relieved when the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of the guys who descended upon Olivia's house in two cars. They hauled in a couple of cases of beer and Olivia directed them to put them in the refrigerator. A couple of them- Paul and Wade, fired up the grill. I knew most of the guys from seeing them around school, apart from one of them, who I assumed was Frankie's new in town cousin. He was introduced as Josh. There was something that set him apart from the rest of them. He was handsome and tall for sure, but he was also cooler in a way. Nor in the way he was dressed or anything, but just in his manner. He was more confident in himself. Self-assured. I found my eyes constantly drawn to him.
A few of us migrated to the deck chairs in Olivia's backyard. But even though we were all sitting together, I felt a bit out of the fold. Because I'd been absent all summer, I didn't know the guys as well as the other girls did. I didn't know them at all. It seemed all of my friends had a particular guy that they gravitated to. It's not like they coupled off and disappeared somewhere- they just kind of directed their conversation at one guy each. Olivia especially looked as though she were completely enamoured with Talbot: I'd known her long enough to be able to tell when she was really into someone. She kept giggling really loudly and hanging on his arm. It was kind of annoying to be honest.
I was just sat, listening to the conversations around me, when Josh ambled up and took the chair next to me. I immediately felt my heart start to beat a little faster for some reason. It was silly, but I found I couldn't look at him. But then he started to talk to me.
"You're Heidi, right?"
"Yea, that's right."
"I'm Josh."
"Frankie's cousin?" I said, already knowing the answer.
"Yep."
There was an awkward moment of silence. I could feel myself blushing red. What was wrong with me? I never reacted this way to anyone. And it wasn't like I was scared of boys or anything- I had a whole houseful of them at home!
Thankfully, Josh ignored my discomfort and ploughed right on.
"I'm new around here. Just moved into town from San Francisco." He smiled ruefully. "It's kind of a shock. Moving from a big city to a small town. I don't know if I can get used to it."
"That must be hard," I said, sympathetically. I liked his honesty. The way he was immediately sharing his feelings with me- a completely stranger.
"It is. There doesn't seem like a whole lot to do around here."
"There isn't," I said. "I've lived here my whole life, but if I'm honest, I can't wait to leave."
Josh smiled at me. "Where would you go?"
"I don't know yet. I want to go college at UCLA though, so I guess that'll be my first stop. If I get in, that is."
Josh's eyebrows raised. "UCLA? That's a hard school to get into. You a good student?"
"Yea," I said. I didn't mention that I would need to get a full scholarship to be able to go there. I didn't feel like getting into talking about family and money right then.
Josh gestured around him to the others around us. "It doesn't seem like school's really something these guys are into. I know Frankie couldn't care less."
What he said was true in a way. Olivia was a relatively good student, but the other girls used it as a chance to socialise and meet boys. I didn't know a lot about the guys though so I couldn't comment, a fact which I told Josh.
The two of us continued to chat to each other. I found out that he had moved because his parents had gotten a divorce. His dad had disappeared off to Europe travelling- something about a midlife crisis, and his mom had moved back to the area so she could be closer to her family. We talked about other things too: the books we liked- it turned out we were both huge Steinbeck fans, and that he was planning to apply to California based colleges- his number 1 choice being USC.
"If I get into college, I'll be the first one in my family to go," he told me.
"You'll get in," I said, confidently.
He gave me an amused look. "Oh yea? How do you know?"
I shrugged. "I dunno. I can tell you're smart."
He looked pleased at that. I hadn't said it to stroke his ego either- I had meant it. You could tell he had something about him.
"I can tell that you're smart too," he said.
I smiled at him, looking into his eyes. They were a sort of grey colour with flecks of blue. I felt like I could get lost in them.
He stood up then. "I'm going to get a beer. Want one?"
I shook my head. "No, thanks. But I'll have a soft drink."
Josh motioned to me. "Why don't you come with me?"
So I followed Josh through the backyard and into the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a beer for himself and then handed me a diet coke. I took it from him and pulled myself up to sit on the island in the middle of Olivia's vast kitchen. Josh leaned against the island with his hip, facing me. He opened his can of beer and took a sip and then gestured to the diet coke I was holding.
"How come you're not drinking?"
The way he said it wasn't aggressive; it was more like a genuine question. If one of the others had asked me, I would probably have lied and said that I didn't feel well or something like that. But because I felt like Josh's question wasn't accusatory, I felt like I could give him an honest answer.
"I promised home that I wouldn't."
"Oh okay. Your folks kinda strict then?"
"Something like that."
It struck me at that moment that Josh didn't know anything about me if he was asking about my 'folks'. It was liberating in a way. Our area is so small that mostly everyone knows everything about each other. The other guys there were sure to know or know of my big brothers. I was hardly ever known as Heidi McFadden in my own right- it was the McFadden girl or else Daniel or Evan or whoever's little sister.
Josh and I talked a while longer. As we were talking, I kept noticing little things about his face. The light freckles that dusted his nose. His imperfect teeth which somehow contributed to a beautiful smile. At one point, at a natural lull in the conversation, Josh reached out and brushed my hair away from my face lightly. His touch felt electrifying as his hand brushed briefly against my skin. And then, he leaned in and kissed me.
