Chapter 8
The next few weeks passed in a blur for all of us. Alex and I took it in turns to be with Olivia as much as possible and when we couldn't be there Don made sure one of the guys was available. Brooklyn had a witness who had seen someone following Olivia towards the bathroom, but they hadn't thought anything of it at the time, so the description was sketchy at best.
After the first week I had gone back to my own apartment, but I went straight to Alex's every time I left work. Olivia remained at Alex's, still afraid of being alone, and still recovering from her injuries. We knew that Olivia was soon going to have to go to the precinct, even if she was desk bound for awhile, but still she didn't seem ready. It was frightening really. All the fight, the bravado, the passion for justice, every that made Olivia who she was, seemed to have disappeared, hidden behind the fear. She'd told us that some things seemed clearer in her memory now, but that there were still gaps. I don't know if there was something she was refusing to tell us or if it was a memory still trapped in her subconscious, but something had her even more terrified then we had expected and it seemed to be growing. I discussed it with Alex and she agreed. She then spoke to Cragen and Huang about it, but none of us could work it out. Huang suggested we just give her time, maybe she would find a way to tell someone when she was ready. It's hard though, seeing her in so much pain. Like a frightened child unable to go back to sleep after a nightmare.
The only time she seemed to find any peace was when Alex held her. Alex had given me a spare key to her place and several times I walked into her lounge to find her reading through case files whilst Liv slept, curled up at Alex's side with Alex's arm around her. It wasn't until we were talking to Elliott one evening that we realised how much difference Alex's presence actually made. Several times over the past weeks Liv had woken from a nightmare, just like that first night. It had happened when I was there and when Fin had stayed with her one day and this time Elliott had seen it. The only person who hadn't seen it was Alex. In the evening they either fell asleep on the couch or Alex took Liv into her room, but all the times that Alex had been there holding her Liv never had the nightmare and slept peacefully. As we realised this I could see Alex was stunned. I think it's one of the few times I've actually seen her speechless. Elliott on the other hand just grinned. That huge grin he has like a Cheshire cat. I couldn't help myself, I started to grin too.
"W ..what are you two grinning at?"
"Oh come on Alex, don't look so stunned. I know now's not the time for you to say anything to her, but she's clearly as mad about you as you are about her."
"I..I... W..What?"
Elliott grinned even more "sure. You're cute together. If anyone can help her through all this it's clearly you Alex."
"Definitely."
"I... no... I mean."
"Ahhh. Look Elliott, she's lost for words. Remember this moment; you may never see another like it.
Finally, Alex regained some of her composure. And her powers of speech.
"Ok you two knock it off. Whatever it takes to get Liv through this I'll do, but now is definitely not the time to be thinking about my feelings for her."
"Ok, Alex, but don't think you can hide it forever." After that we changed the subject, but that feeling I had about the two of them kept growing stronger. With the realisation of how much Alex's presence was already affecting Liv I was more certain than ever that Liv shared Alex's feelings and that it was only a matter of time.
Olivia's POV
Did I dream it? Was it just part of the recurring nightmare or did he really say that? It's all so frightening and confusing. My feelings are even more confused, but even still I can't let anything happen to her. I don't know what do to, how to handle this? This isn't me, it isn't my life, it's not how things are supposed to be.
But how should they be? Things needed to change. I knew before this happened that things had to change, but not like this. Oh why did this have to happen? Why can't I pull myself together and stop being so afraid? He's still out there. I know they're doing all they can, but they still don't know who he is. If I could be sure I hadn't dreamt it, maybe it would help them find him, but I can't risk it. I can't risk him finding out and hurting her.
I thought my feelings for her were under control before this happened, I thought I could handle it. I've never felt like this about anyone before and it's almost as frightening as thinking of him, but in a different way. I couldn't handle it if she rejected me. What if it spoiled our friendship? Right now I need her. I only feel safe when I'm with her and I know that she is safe then too. But what if he still decides to come after her? I couldn't stop him before, what if I can't protect her either? I think I'd rather die than risk losing her, yet I don't really have her. She's not really mine. I'm too frightened and confused to tell her how I feel. I wish these nightmares would go away. They never seem to bother me when she's here, but when she's not I feel more afraid and that lets the nightmares in.
Oh why won't they stop?
