She left after that, he didn't know if that was because she was bored or angry. Perhaps just disappointed. He sighed, staring down at the feast she'd prepared him. It was like a private Hogwarts breakfast feast; everything he could possible want to eat for breakfast, cooked eggs, bacon and beans, porridge with honey and sugar on the side, toast with several stacked pots of spreadable and coffee. He stared at the coffee and took a sip.

He felt like crying. They never gave the prisoners in Azkaban anything more than a puddle of bland soup three times a day that had looked like dish water and tasted much worse. Sometimes he hoped they'd just let him strave. He'd never eaten much in the first place, but he'd always had coffee, he forgot that taste of coffee, he forgot that he had missed it. Johanna had remembered how he liked it as well. It was scolding as he tipped it backwards, steam cling to his face. It made him feel sick and his throat burn, it made him feel human to have such luxuries. However, the sudden intake of sustenance made his stomach turn and twist until it forced him to run to the bathroom to throw it all back up. The bathroom across the hall was just a sink and toilet but Johanna had also kitted out with what he needed. Towels, flannels, soap.

A razor.

It was placed so neatly on the sink, the blade facing him. 'Johanna put it there. She would love me more if I just ended it.' But not everything revolved around Johanna. He got up from the floor to clean out his mouth and just so happened to pick up the razor, he was just looking at how sharp it was. 'if I had had more courage to kill myself after Azkaban, that girl would still be alive.'

"Oi!"

The door hit the wall with a bang as someone ran into the bathroom. He jumped to see who had entered, the razor slipping from his hand and to the floor. There was now a small girl sitting on the toilet, her dungarees around her feet. He blinked, mouth gaping, unsure how to process the intrusion. It wasn't Phoenix, this girl was older, around about five, with light brown pigtails and hazels eyes. She was sucking on her thumb and kicking her tiny legs. He looked away, looking down at the sink, still unable to move.

"Who are you?" she asked loudly.

"Umm…" 'Severus, Severus Snape,' his brain supplied "err…" the small girl's intrusion had had him dumb, unable to speak, "umm," he repeated as the girl got off the toilet and flushed it.

"What the fuck are you doing Snape?"

He sighed, no peace today, at all. He turned to face Black, who had also stormed into the bathroom.

"Should you be swearing in front of children, Black?"

Black looked down at this new tiny girl.

"Are you gonna say fuck to anyone?"

She shook her head, her pigtails smacking her cheeks, as she pulled her dungaree straps onto her shoulders.

"Good," he looked back at Severus,

"What the fuck are you doing in here? With little girl?"

His hand twitched, "Nothing. She barged in here."

"I needed the toilet," the girl said pouting.

Black almost looked disappointed he didn't have a reason to throw Severus out, that didn't stop him bitterly saying, "Don't ever do that Dora, especially with him, I don't want you ever to be alone with him."

"Who is he?" Dora said staring at him,

"I'm Severus," he finally managed to say, before Sirius could put any cruel names in her mind,

"I'm Nyphadora."

And he thought his name was weird, she extended an unwashed hand which he could, trying not to laugh as Dora tried to stretch her entire hand around his.

"What were you doing in here Snape?"

"Is that any of your concern?" he asked picking up the razor from the floor. Black raised his eyebrows looking at the razor,

"Oh I'm sorry," he started as Severus pushed past him, "didn't realised I was interrupting you doing that, I wouldn't have stopped you."


God-fucking-dammit. He was not going to let Black get to him. He was certainly not feeling embarrassed about thinking about suicide. He definitely wasn't blushing about it.

"You haven't finished your breakfast Severus." Johanna hadn't even looked up as he entered the long dining room. She had her glasses on, scratching away at the piece of paper she was holding down firmly on the kitchen table.

"No, umm… who's the new kid?"

Johanna sighed, looking over the top of her glasses,

"Nyphadora, Sirius' cousin's daughter," she chewed her quill, "His first cousin once removed that would be. She's staying round for a little while," she sighed again, clearly not liking the small child. "Did she go into your room?"

"No, bathroom. Oh yeah, thanks for the coffee, you remembered how I like it."

She shrugged looking back at her writing, "Black and no sugar. It hardly difficult to remember."

Severus fiddled with the wand in his waist band as Johanna refused to look up at him.

"Here'a."

He looked down. Phoenix was offering a red wooden block. He hadn't noticed his own daughter playing at his feet, 'what a scaringly domestic thought.' She was drooling slightly and chewing her black hair, 'my hair,' as she wiggled the red cube at him. He looked up at Johanna, she was still staring at paper. He crouched down next to Phoenix.

"Thanks," he said quietly, smiling at the gurgling two-year-old. She slapped her hands together, waddling back to her tower of multi coloured bricks. She returned with another brick, then another until Severus found he couldn't hold them anymore. He started putting them on the floor, Phoenix adding bricks to the tower he was apparently now building. Behind him, he heard Sirius and Dora rushing down the stairs and he stilled, wondering if he should more away or stand his ground? Fortunately, the two's footsteps travelled away to some other part of the house and he sat more comfortably on the floor with his daughter. He found himself becoming somewhat calmed by the block placing, making each row as the blocks were passed to him. He stopped to look at Phenoix as she continued to add her own blocks. She was wearing a white dress with splattering with shining dribble and food stains and was wearing cat patterned socks which had nearly slipped off from her constant running between the two towers.

"Here." He grabbed the child, who wiggled in his grasp trying to return to her tower once more. He wiped her chin with his sleeve and pulled her socks up for her, which she immediately got down again as she skipped back to her tower. Phoenix had now become more excited, bouncing over to him and hitting him with the block, giggling,

"Hey!" he grabbed her hand carrying the block, then the other to hold her still, but she continued to jump, swinging from side to side as if they were dancing. He had to laughing at her, touched by his daughter acceptance of him as he kept hold of her.

He'd forced a girl down to the ground with those hands and had raped and murdered her.

He ripped his hands out of his daughter's, making her cry out slightly, sniffing violently. They'd force him to do it again, to her. No, not his daughter. There was blood everywhere, pouring from the cracks in the ceiling, out from the bottom of his shoes. It ran quickly, bubbling until there was a red haze surrounding him. He couldn't see his daughter, lost in haze. Not his daughter, no, no, God no. He was falling, hands on him, the haze swallowing him. They were going send his back.

The haze disappeared instantly, but his damaged mind refused to admit this as he looked dumbfounded at the hand holding his arm. It was His, he flinched away but the long red nails dug into his upper arm. Johanna had her hand clutching him and her free arm holding the still sniffing and teary eyed Phoenix.

"She okay?"

"She just took a little tumble. Are you?"

He stared at Phoenix, who had buried her head in her mother's shoulder, she was safe, he was safe. After he didn't answer, Johanna let go of him, resettling Phoenix,

"I told you not to touch her."

He didn't want, not while his hands still were covered in blood. He sat down at the table, brushing his hair from his forehead, which was covered in sweat.

"What happened sweetheart?"

Black had come in the girl following behind him. He'd gone straight for Phoenix who was wriggling in her mother's hands. He took the toddler from Johanna, lifting her into the air.

"Aww, what's my baby girl crying about?" he cooed as Phoenix babbled back. Severus watched them from the corner of his eye. It wasn't that he hated Black because he thought Phoenix was his but that Black was making Phoenix happy when Severus had made her cry. He wanted Black to be just as bad a father as he was shaping up to be.

"Who are you?"

He looked down at Dora, who had her arms folded, looked up at Severus with suspicious squinted eyes. He wondered what Black had told her,

"Severus."

"That's a stupid name."

'Says Nymphadora.' "Well that's my name. I told you that, remember?"

"Yes but who are you?"

He cocked his head to one side until Dora rephrased her question, "Why are you here?"

"Well I'm your aunt and uncle's guest," he looked up at them when he said it, Johanna was refusing to look at him while Black glared at him. The corners of his mouth twitched as Dora tugged on his trousers.

"But why are you here?"

He took a guess at what she meant, "I'm helping them."

She cocked her head as well, squinting until her eyes were closed, "but aren't you meant to be the bad guy."

So Black had spoken to her.

"No I'm… well I'm not the bad guy."

She continued to squint for a minute, before beaming at him.

"Alright!" she skipped away, looking down at Phoenix's tower. She giggled at it, and pushed the top blocks off.

"Hey!" he snapped, taking a strange feeling of offence at the destruction, "Don't knock that over."

"Oi Snape you don't get to speak like that to Dora!"

Phoenix started crying softly again,

"Right- sit down!" Johanna yelled as Severus got up, reaching for his wand. He slowly lowered himself, displaying his hands in surrender, "Right, Siri no shouting at our guests, Snape no shouting at other guests, Dora, just…calm down."

Dora blushed staring at her feet, Severus wished he hadn't shouted now.

He found himself in pain again. He bent forward, hissing, wondering if he was lapsing again. But when the nauseating pain became just stinging pain in his arm he felt dread come over. 'not now.'

"You okay?" Johanna was beside him. No, she couldn't see it. He squeezed his arm tighter, his stomach twisting at the idea of her seeing the ugly mark. Black groaned and stormed over,

"You're not actually fucking killing yourself," he groaned, forcing Severus' sleeve out of his hand, revealing the mark. They physically stepped back from him. They were repulsed by him. Black seemed actually afraid of him Although Johanna was staring at his arm, she wasn't looking at the mark, rather the black tattooed marks around his wrist. 'Did you think I wouldn't succeed?'

"I…" he started, standing and roughly pulling his sleeve down. He left without completing his sentence, he strode out the door of the kitchen, the light from his wrists the only light in the hallway as he made his way of the door.


"I have a mission for you," the Dark Lord was saying as Severus laid sprawled on the ground. Apparently wearing his muggle clothes was a tortureable offense, frankly everything seemed like a tortureable offense.

"For me?"

"For you to accompany others on."

Severus rose gingerly to his feet. It was cold and a strong breeze was blowing where he stood, salt in his eyes and mouth. He was by the grey coast surrounded by nine cloaked and masked Death Eaters. He wondered if they had their cloaks on hand at all times to make sure they didn't end up like him. As if the Dark Lord had read his mind, which was impossible as he had made sure, a black cloak and silver mask appeared at his feet. He bowed, muttering thanks, but the Dark Lord wasn't looking at him, instead over his shoulder at the Death Eater behind him.

"Shylock, I'll leave them with you."

Severus tried not to show any emotion until the Dark Lord had gone, before turning, staring at his masked brother. He didn't know whether to be excited that he was here or sickened. Nevertheless, he was going to have to open his mouth soon as the disguised man, who was supposedly his brother, marched up to him. Severus may have grown in his stay in prison but Shylock had grown taller, still towering over his younger brother. Shylock wrapped one arm around Severus muttering,

"You got out."

Severus took three shaky breaths before he believed he was well enough to speak, "They…d-dropped the charges,"

"Pity. I thought you'd made me proud."

Shylock finally let go, Severus unclenching this fists allowing himself to shake.

Shylock turned to the group, "There is a portkey there," he pointed to a burnt patch of ground surrounded by unkempt brown grass where an old crinkled map lay, "any of you not touching it when we go, better be dead when we return or else I'll have to kill you,"

Severus wondered if any of the others knew how frightening that was.

"What exactly are we doing?" He asked following his brother to the map, as he pulled the black cloak over his head.

"We're going to France, Nice to be precise. There a wizarding cult there that his Lordship wants us to reach out to. He wishes to take our cause internationally," Shylock chuckled to himself as they stood by the map, "it's about you, and them proving their worth to him."

"And what about you?"

Shylock looked his watch in silence, Severus realising he wasn't going to be able to sleep this entire journey. Before Severus could stutter out an apology, Shylock yelled at the group around the map, "Right it's time! Grab a corner and don't you dare let go."

Severus knelt beside the map, grabbing a side, his other hand still holding the silver mask. Looking at the other masked people around him, he felt embarrassed not to put it on. It sealed to his face, moulding perfectly to it. He breathed hard through his nose, feeling more scared and sickened now than ever before. They truly could send him back to Azkaban now. 'They can't, Dumbledore told me to this, I'm doing it for the right reasons.' Somehow he wasn't so sure of that. He felt a pull at his navel and the cold English coast disappeared.