Prison for Prostitutes Ltd. i.e. My Room

12.46pm

Blimey.

1 minute later

Cor blimey.

1 minute later

And again, blimey.

1 minute later

I feel violated.

But strangely enough in a very nice way.

1 minute later

Do you know what German for nice is?

Nett.

I know, what ultimate fools. But that is the Spangleferkel folk for you. They get a perfectly fine word and think 'Oh, ja, ich bin ein relative to ze Koch family, zo I zink up crappy names for normal vurds, oh ja ja.'

Twitty McTwit if you ask me.

1 minute later

Yes I have lost it.

It's all Dave the Laugh's fault, as per usual.

2 minutes later

Well I always knew he liked to blow his horn, but still.

1 minute later

The shambledy do, my pals, is this:

Me and Dave got up to Number 8 on the snogging scale (!).

And to be honest with you chaps I'm in a bit of a tizz and to do.

3 minutes later

But I don't even feel dirty or anything. And Dave wasn't pervy at all, even though I know he's visited the Realms of Virtual 8 with me many times before.

2 minutes later

It's a bit of an erlack thing to say, but it was actually alright (okay, it was a LOT more than alright) and he was all gentle and careful and checked with me in case he'd, y'know, gone too far or anything like that.

Me, of course, being the ultimate Idiotin, just nodded like a tranquilized moose (which is what I felt like, moany moany, feeling quite dozy) and carried on snogging him. I didn't stop to say 'Hang on, currently I've got an Italian Stallion boyfriend, hold fire as my troth is already plighted mister.'

2 minutes later

I think I might really like Dave. Really. Even more than Masimo.

1 minute later

Am I mad?

1 minute later

Yes.

1 minute later

"GEORGIA NICOLSON IF I FIND OUT YOU'VE BEEN USING MY BLOODY RAZOR AGAIN THEN YOU WON'T SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY FOR THE NEXT FOURTY YEARS!" The Portly One startled me with his big yelling up the stairs act.

Oh rave on El Beardo I have bigger fish to fry than your stupid razor.

2 minutes later

It did do a tip-top job on the silky smooth legs department though.

1 minute later

Oh what larks my favourite Vati has banged down my door and is all red and huffy, glaring at me from the doorway.

"I swear to God-"

"Dad, this is my bedroom. Ergo, my private space. For all you know I could have been in the nuddy pants when you looned in here. Is that what you want? To see your teenage daughter in the nudey dude? Well, you have gone just too far."

7 minutes later

Whoops, wrong thing to say.

Apparently I am spawn of the devil.

Charming.

1 minute later

But back to this Dave business. After everything, erm, sort of slowed to a halt, and we stopped the whole Numero 6, 7 und, er, 8 fiasco, Dave just looked…guilty.

I kid you not.

Dave, tart of the underworld and mankind. Guilty-looking.

He was just staring into space, being his unlaughish self.

"Dave…" I said really quietly. He turned to look at me, and I got jelloidnosity to the extreme again. He really is blessed in the gorgey department.

"Kittykat." He said softly. Ooh, shivery knees, lips puckering up again. Down, lips, down! Lest I cut you off!

1 minute later

Oh, no, then I'd be deprived off all my snogging antics!

One minute later

Well, Dave has already found a way around that, hasn't he.

1 minute later

I was still trying to think of something to say, but he most rudely interrupted (oh I forgive him).

"I'll give you one more chance Gee." What?! "One more chance to groove my camel, but after that, the game's up and you won't have any humps of sit on. No more quick snogs in the bushes Kittykat, 'cos you're either going to choose me, or Masimo, and that's that. Au revoir, sex maniac." And he ran off!

Well, he didn't run, Dave is much too cool for that. He sort of walked quickly, whilst I was still wondering what an earth he'd said.

1 minute later

Grooving his camel?!

Humps to sit on!?

1 minute later

No more snogs in the bushes!?

1 minute later

That was the worst bit!

1 minute later

SEX MANIAC?!

I don't put my hands down people's tops for a quick cop-about!

How can he do that, snog me to within an inch of my life so I am Mrs. Melt Woman and can barely breathe, let along speak, then put his hand down my top, before suddenly saying 'Oh no Kittykat no more snogs for you unless you become my one and only' before schnizzing off!

1 minute later

When has Dave ever been a molyga-wotsit?

1 minute later

Oh he is so getting the glacial shoulder now, and beyond.

1 minute later

After I find out what he meant when he raved on about camels.

Tuesday

2:47am

Two days since the Dave the Laugh incident and the cheeky cat has not got in contact with yours truly.

1 minute later

I'll show him what I think of that.

1 minute later

"Gee, c'est moi, ton Rosie! Le grand Sven hamburger !" She dribbled down the phone like the loon brigade.

"Bon le bon, I can see that."

"Ah, but can you?"

"Oui. I am all seeing and knowing."

"Obvs. Now Gee I have some vair and also sehr viel interessant Nachright."

"Nachright?"

"News."

Natürlich."

"Oui."

"And the news?"

"Caveman party, tonight, at mine."

"I see. Très bon Nachright."

"Oui. Pardon, ma petite toothbrush, about the short notice but you know what Sven is like when he hasn't been sponged."

"Er...Natürlich. Ist Herr Kamyer kommen?"

"You bilingual baby, of course! See you at 7, pip pip!"

1 minute later

Crabs on sticks, only 4 hours before the mad hen and her crazy Viking's parteeeee!

10 minutes later

Rang Jas.

"Jazzy Spazzy, c'est moi."

"Pardon?"

"What?"

"Who is this?" Ooh, she sounded on the brink of a nervy b, I must be as sweet as sugar. She is, after all, my bestest pally.

5 minutes later

Wrong.

1 minute later

Jas le Spaz won't let me stay at hers tonight because her and Hunky are going vole-dropping hunting in the morning and she has to wake up at 6. She is mucho ice woman, as I did a vair heart-breaking performance but this still didn't vibrate her heart strings, as it were. Well, rave on Vole Woman, you've stranded me on top of a maypole and I don't know how to get down!

3 minutes later

All is well. RoRo rung back to tell me everyone is staying at hers.

1 minute later

Including Dave the Laugh.

1 minute later

Don't know why she included that.

4.56pm

Crowded into Ellen's spazzy-like bedroom with Jools, Mabs, Honor and Sophs. They really are coming along nicely, I like to think. They were telling us how only yesterday they tripped up Wet Lindsay in Boots and did staring-at-her-fringe, which apparently had tip top results all round.

We have trained them well.

10 minutes later

Blimey, what to wear, what to wear!!

1 minute later

Hang on – why am I saying that?

Because for once I know what I am wearing!

Beast Woman rears her head!

I had my outfit ready an hour after speaking to Rosie. I found some leopard skin fur and cut two smallish strips out of it, one for my skirt, one for a nunga bandana type tom-foolery. It does look, though I say so myself, absolutely hilarious and quite Sex Kitty-ish.

5.56pm

Backcombed my hair, added some full of minxosity smoky eye make up, and I have to say I look a treat. Dave won't be able to keep his eyes off me.

1 minute later

MERDE!

What was that about?!

Dave, stay out of my brain!

1 minute later

OUT, damned spot! Out, I say!

1 minute later

Oui.

Three minutes later

Bloody Jesus' beard, I have only just remembered my love bite, courtesy of Mark Big Gob! For some unknown reason the rest of the loony lot have not noticed it. But it is on the side of my neck, and my hair is down, so I suppose you can't see it at all. So if I just keep my hair like this, and don't swing it about too madly, I should super fine.

One minute later

Hopefully.

RoRo's house

7.32pm

Cor, a crowd is kicking up here. Bon le bon. No sign of Dave, which is a bit of reliefosity.

7 minutes later

Oh Blimey, the Dame has wriggled up to me like a snake on stilts. He really is a prat of the first waters, and he isn't even dressed for the occasion, just wearing jeans and an admittedly quite groovy top, like your Average Loserish Joe.

One minute later

Erlack, forget about the formalities why don't you? He just lunged in right away with the snogging, and I had to duck backwards. But he kept on lunging forwards so I had to keep on ducking backwards.

One minute later

He is sniggering, obvs finding the whole thing somewhat hilarious.

Prize twit, if you ask me.

Two minutes later

Whoops, one duck too far. I have accidentally bumped into none other than Dave the Laugh. He looks quite gorgey, I have to admit, in just some ripped, ¾ length trousers and messy bed hair, like he's just woken up. And random bits of hair stuck all over his body that looks suspiciously like the theatrical fur me and Rosie had such a ball with.

But crikey, he is marvy looking.

"Kittykat! Great minds think alike – cave man and woman!" He grinned naughtily but then spotted the Dame, who was looking a little frosty around the edges. "G'day chappy, have a biscuit." And he threw a wet chip at him, which for some reason he had been storing behind his ear. Worryingly Sven-like.

"'Scuse us Dave. Me and Georgia have some catching up to do." The Dame smirked, ignoring the chip, even though it hit him in the face with top notch hilariousnosity, and began to drag me away, which is when Dave…

Did nothing (!).

Literally.

Oh sorry, he shrugged and then returned to his group of worshipping tarts!

Why isn't he saving me from the Dame? Why isn't he dragging me away from the Dame, so we can mad dance and possibly snog?!

One minute later

On the other hand, he is watching us with a weird look, as the Dame dragged me outside. Failing in this supposed glacialosity routine.

Oh, whoops, that was my job, wasn't it?

Merde.

One minute later

The Dame stuck his hand on my bum and tried to snog me, but I said "Oh, whoops, I, er, forgot my duck." And ran off to find some help. Not D the L, who I am now eschewing with good reason, but someone who loves me.

Two minutes later

Which is not Jazzy Spazzy. Who is just that; a spaz beyond measure. Here is how our little convo went:

Moi: "Jas, Jas, grand news, I need your help oh Fringed one!"

Jas (who you would be forgiven for thinking might want to help her poor besty pally after she ditched her for her vole-committed boyfriend, which is completely against the Highway Code of Friendship): "Not now Gee, I really can't talk. Tom has just found this Greater Pus-Filled Toad and…" Or something along that loony vein, to which I responded with:

"Seriously Jas, my pal above all, this is très importanto-"

And SHE said:

"Oh it's always you you you isn't it! Don't be so horribly selfish!" And Mrs. Huffy-Knickers stalked off!

Leaving me!

On my own!

One minute later

As Jas shrugged off, and I pondered upon my not-so-besty pally's loony outburst, I heard someone else walk up to me. Oh merde, please not the Dame.

"Well well well Miss Sex Kitty." Dave sat next to me with a drink in his hand. It smelt, er, alcoholic, to say the least. But the cup was quite full, so he can't have drunk much of it.

Unless it was his second?

"I see you shook the Dame off then?"

I was vair tempted to tell him that was his job usually, but didn't, because he seemed to be in a bit of a strange mood.

So I didn't say anything.

One minute later

"Ignoring me Kittykat? Bad idea." And he moved a LOT closer. Quite similar to how close we were the other day. Ooh-er.

He didn't smell of alcohol, so I was quite relieved. But on the other hand, my lips were puckering up vair vair badly. Which is something Dave seemed to notice.

"Go on Kittykat. One for no and two for yes." He winked mischievously and my knees went mega jelloid. Bad boy, as Bibs might say. "Either way Gee, you've got to kiss me."

"What do you mean?" Ooh, I think I'm in dangerous territory. Not least because it has major potential to end up in heavy snogging.

"You know what I mean Kittykat." He looked very pre-snogging right now, and I was quite wondering why he wasn't actually doing anything.

Maybe he wanted me to make the first move?

Merde, that is what he means!

He means, if I snog him, then I have accepted his proposal to be his official snogging post and partner. If I don't, I am declining.

30 seconds later

This is the crappiest situation I've ever been in! What a pile of merde and Scheisse! The absolute minx!

He knows I want to snog him to within an inch of his life but I can't do that whilst I'm Masimo's handbag, but if I don't snog him now then I'll never snog him again!

One minute later

Do I want to snog him?

20 seconds later

You bet Uncle Eddy's Bald-o-gram I do!

Two minutes later

Hang on, he said one snog for no, two snogs for yes. So I can still snog him. But I want to carry on snogging him after the party, not just have one now and never again.

One minute later

Dave put a hand up to my neck and vair softly pushed my hair behind my shoulder.

"Still Mark's territory, eh, Kittykat?" He mused, and I nearly walloped him one.

"I am not Mark's territory!" I scared myself greatly as I thought I had suddenly reincarnated into the Great Knickered One herself, with my très huffy response.

"Y'know Gee, it looks a bit odd only having one on your neck. Do you want one on the other side to even it out?" And before I could stop him – though I don't know why he was snogging me because I was supposed to be making the life-changing decision here, and he was supposed to await on my snogs – he was sucking on the neck.

One minute later

Blimey that sounds super erlack doesn't it!

With Mark, it was a super slug-athon, and I hadn't even realised I'd got a lovebite because he'd been sliming all over my neck.

But with Dave it was sooo different and sooo nice, he was really gentle but kept changing pressure so it was quite hard, but then soft, and then flicky tongue, and then not, and Blimey O'Reilly's underpants I quite literally melted into him. He didn't seem to mind when my head sort of lolled onto his shoulder, quite like Gordy or Angus, but then he stopped, and my neck was throbbing something awful, and he gently steered my face so that I was looking directly into his eyes.

"One kiss or two Sex Kitty. Make your mind up quick."