There were multiple reasons as to why Teru sent Ritsu off on a bus by himself. The first was that they had missed the one that took them back to their usual stop. The second was that this bus would be more convenient for Ritsu considering he had just woken up from being knocked out. It would be better if he didn't have to walk too far.

The third was that Teru could not stand being around Ritsu right now. He knew it was irrational, but it was starting to get worse. There was something about him that had been irritating him since the moment he knocked on his door, but this week he was really bringing out the worst in Teru. Maybe it was because he was so obvious. Honestly, the whole act of never showing his emotions only made him that much easier to read. It was like the more he closed himself off, the more he opened up. It was painful to watch.

Everything about Ritsu was becoming painful to watch. Teru knew better than him. He was better than him. He was better, better, better. And just watching him, just looking at him, just thinking about him was enough to cause Teru to start grinding his teeth.

But what worried Teru more than anything was how addicting Ritsu was. The kid was practically giving him permission to beat him up. And the offer was so tempting each time. Why, though? What did he do wrong, exactly? It was so irrational. Teru hated watching himself as he sunk, becoming crueler and giving into desire. But emotions like anger and hatred can be so fun to play with when you are the one in power.

Dammit! Teru gave him an out! He didn't have to be here! He didn't have to be doing this! He didn't have to come back! Or was it already too late? Did he damage him permanently? What was so important about that Suzuki kid anyway?

Remembering back, Teru thought about why he decided to train Ritsu.

Curiosity.

He wanted to know if it was possible to accomplish what Ritsu was trying to accomplish. And he knew exactly what Ritsu was trying to accomplish, and it wasn't to kick Suzuki's ass. No, it was never about that in the first place.

Teru had to know what would happen after that. But he had come to the conclusion that he would never find out. So Teru truly had no reason to consider even bothering with this nonsense. It was when he knocked Ritsu out that he had realized this.

Fine. Whatever. He'd do it the hard way.

...

What an impulsive thing to think. Now that Teru was on the train, he certainly had regrets. And this was the fourth reason why Teru sent Ritsu on a bus without him. But it really was a descision made in the heat of the moment. Just like all the other times he had tried this. Dammit, why was he always so indecisive? The first time he made it as far as the train station before turning around. The second time, he had to get off the train early to throw up. The third time…

...He was right there. He was right there. But the terrifying train doors sliding open like the gates of Hell, the tedious train ride that spun Teru into sickness… None of it even remotely compared. It was only a few meters of front lawn. But Teru might has well have been walking barefoot across a sea of broken glass. He couldn't even take the first step.

It wouldn't be much different this time. Teru knew it. And every time the train stopped he had to resist the urge to gasp for air with all of his might. The entire train was spinning again. Teru watched his reflection on the other window as it was illuminated by the train's light. It was splitting. It was getting blurrier and blurrier. But he could still see it's eyes piercing into his own soul. The worst thing about reflections is that you can never look at them without making eye contact. Teru was certain that even when he looked away, his reflection was still there, looking at him with stern eyes.

The train stopped again. Teru was suffocating. Why was he doing this to himself again? He'd just fail! That was all that would come of this! Dammit, this was all Ritsu's fault. Teru's head was getting lighter. He needed air. The doors closed. And so, the cycle continues. Teru hated all of this. What was the point? He was fine! This was fine! He just didn't need anybody! Everything was okay! He was smiling and he had lots of friends and wonderful grades and he was a better person now so everything should be fine!

God fucking dammit why isn't everything fine?!

Teru hadn't noticed how much his body had contorted inward with his right arm wrapped around both his knees covering his face. At least, he didn't notice until he began to taste blood on his left thumb.

And then the horrible sound of the phone interrupted the two seconds of silence Teru's mind allowed him so he could stare at the bite mark. Teru could feel his heart racing in his ears as he fumbled with his cell phone, but to his surprise, it was…

"Kageyama-kun…?"


Ritsu opened the door, expecting the usual.

Like the fool he was. As if anything could ever be normal for him. As if he could ever go a single day without fucking something up.

"I'm home," called out Ritsu as though on autopilot. He took off his shoes and entered the living room, expecting to see Mob by the TV. And there he was, sitting on the couch, right next to…

"S-Suzuki?!"

It was at that moment that Ritsu realized he was in deep shit.

"Ritsu!" Mob's voice did not sound angry, but concerned as he cried out his brother's name. As he said it, he stood up and rushed towards him stopping about a foot in front of him with arms held out genly in front of him. God, everything about Mob was so gentle. There wasn't a hint of anger or frustration on his face. Ritsu looked over at Shou as they briefly made eye contact, but shou quickly turned his gaze to the floor. Was he angry, at least? No, the expression on his face could only be described as depressing.

Ritsu could feel it growing again.. By now, it had already occupied all the space in his stomach and was threatening to come up through his esophagus. Despite Ritsu's desperate attempts to keep it down, it would not stop growing. And there was just no longer enough space inside Ritsu's body to hold it in anymore. It was going to come out.

If Ritsu didn't stop this, it would come out again.

"Ritsu," Mob started again, with a gentle compassionate voice. Ritsu felt like he was going to be sick. "Why did you lie?"

Great. Fucking. Question.

"Suzuki-kun says he had been trying to call you for almost a month now, but you wouldn't pick up."


"Don't tell me you're comparing yourself to your brother again. I told you, you already have so much poten-"

"Don't bring him into this!"


Ritsu couldn't breathe. His lungs were reaching maximum capacity. It was starting to wrap itself around his tongue.

"Please, Ritsu. Be honest with us. We're both worried about you."


"I-I'm sorry, Suzuki. I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine! It didn't hurt…"


"If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here."


"I can't come today."

"You haven't been coming at all. Is something wrong?"

"..."

"Ritsu…?"

"I think we should just stop with the study-training sessions."

"Why? I told you, Ritsu, I'm fine."

"..."

"Ritsu, did I do something wrong?"

"No… It's just-"

"Look, I'm sorry I brought up your brother, but-"

"Suzuki, let's just talk about this some other time okay? You listened to your mother better when she was tutoring you anyway, so you'll just do better that way. And I can train on my own. And we can still see each other so it's okay!"

"I'm just a bit worried…"

"Well, stop worrying! Look, I'll talk to you about this another time, so just forget it alright?"

"But-"

"I've gotta go, but I'll call you later. Bye."

"Wait! Rits-"


It's too late.

"Just tell us what's wrong-"

"Tell you?"

It was then that Ritsu realized how powerful a weapon his tongue could be, as his words caused the room to go so silent you could hear a pin drop. Even Shou was looking up in surprise. If Ritsu could control himself, he would have stopped talking. But that feeling had a death grip on his jaw. He could no longer wriggle free. It was spilling outside of his body. It was coming for them.

"You expect me to just tell you what's wrong? You really think our relationship is even remotely like that?"

"I-I'm sorry!"

"Shut up!" Ritsu had no idea who those words were directed towards anymore. "Just shut up! Stop making me feel guilty about what I feel! You're just doing it again! You're making this all about you!"

"Ritsu-"

"No. I've had enough. I'm so tired of you thinking you can just do what I've done for all these years when I've spent most of my fucking childhood trying to spare your feelings!"

Mob went silent, and Ritsu regretted every single word that came out of his mouth. But it was too late to take anything back, and much too late to stop.

"Hey," said Shou, suddenly. "Cut that out."

"So you're finally speaking?"

"Oh, shut up! I could say the exact same thing to you!"

Ritsu knew that, which was why he had no idea why he blurted that out. It really was a stupid thing to say, much like every other word that left his mouth. It was all stupid. All of it was so, so stupid. It felt as though every thought on his mind was leaking out into the world and attacking the nearest victims. But Shou got up, pushed Mob aside, and grabbed Ritsu's collar with one hand, pulling his head down closer to his.

"Listen. I still don't know what I did wrong. But fine. You don't have to tell me. You don't have to do anything! If you want, we don't even have to be friends."

"That's-"

"Let me finish! You don't have to do anything but don't act like we aren't involved in this! I haven't spoken to you in a month Ritsu! You havent answered any of your calls! If I did something wrong, then tell me ! Tell me so I can fix it!"

"YOU CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING!"

The room went silent, as if Mob and Shou were holding their breaths. Shou let go, and looked back at Ritsu with shock. Ritsu could hear his own heartbeat in his head.

I didn't want to admit it...

"You can't…"

But I knew it all along...

"You can't fix me."

It was now wrapped around him, covering him inside and out. It was different than the feeling he felt when he first discovered his powers. It's thorns pierced so sharply that he couldn't focus on anything else. Even after trying so hard, dedicating himself to being happy and healing, Ritsu had utterly failed to change. Perhaps living happily was something that he could never accomplish. Ritsu stopped putting up a fight. It was all useless. Everything was useless. And he knew this feeling well. He had known it all along. And now that he had resigned to it, he was able to give it a name.

Shame.