So I just want to say I'm sorry for this chapter and I hope you don't all hate me by the end of it...
I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine,
I got a love and I know that it's all mine!
Blaine singing was one of my favourite things to hear and thankfully he had been doing it a lot lately, especially to our little girl who squirmed excitedly at the sound of his voice (not so great at night.) She was still small but pretty feisty so everyone could feel her when she wanted to be felt but she got tired quickly and often she would only move enough for me to feel. She loved Glee club but when she was most active I always needed to pee badly so one day in late September I disappeared out halfway through one of our meetings.
"Well hello, long time no see," Dave's voice sounded through the empty bathroom like a shot, "what the fuck happened? It's true?"
"Yes I'm pregnant, get over it, now can you just leave me alone?" I tried to go in the stall but he moved himself into my way.
"That's just a bit fucking weird isn't it homo?"
"I think it's fucking weird you insult me by insulting yourself," my hand went to stomach when she abruptly stopped moving as I started to get agitated.
"Don't say that!" He pushed me back slightly, "you don't have a clue Hummel! Who said I was… like you? Huh?"
"Oh come on Dave! You're a senior in high school you need to start admitting the truth to yourself soon enough, you're just upset I get to be who I am while you're stuck hiding in the closet like a little kid," I pushed past him into the stall because I was bursting now. Surprisingly he didn't stop me, or bother me while I peed or when I washed my hands after, he just stood their silently watching me.
"It's not fair, you get to dance around here with your faggy boyfriend and your freak baby and no one cares, you get treated like a princess and I don't get it!" He punched the wall with a grunt.
"I don't dance around, I hold my head up high and I don't let others dictate who I am, I want to be happy and so do you. Your sexuality doesn't define you, it's just a tiny part of you." I sighed and went against every single instinct I had and stepped towards him. "I feel so bad for you Dave, I know what it's like to feel like you're completely alone and you can't be yourself but people will surprise you, I'm sure your friends will be there for you if they're your real friends," he glanced at the floor and for a second I thought he was going to cry. I went to put a hand on his massive shoulders but instead found myself pressed up against the wall, his lips on mine, his hand on my stomach, pressing down too hard and my baby girl wiggling against the sudden pressure. I couldn't push him off despite my best efforts and when he stepped back he looked at me guiltily before rushing off and leaving me in shock.
I couldn't decide if I was in pain or not, I just felt like I couldn't breath and everything was still squished up inside of me; why did he do that? How could he do that to me? My knees gave way and I sunk to the cold tiles and the cramps started again but inbetween the pain I could feel her moving, it was jolty and panicked, I wasn't sure what to do but I knew I couldn't move so I just waited. I was always waiting to be saved.
"Jesus Christ he's heavy," I heard Puck say as I was lifted from the ground, I think I fell asleep on the floor but for some reason I didn't care anymore, there was a constant pain, what was it?
"Dude he's like 120, that's nothing!" I wanted to laugh at Finn, I had gained so much weight lately, how could he have not noticed?
"Can you please take this seriously! Kurt?" Blaine, beautiful, worrisome Blaine, "Kurtie are you awake?"
"Yuhuh," my voice was low and croaky, "I'm here!"
"Good, what happened to you baby?"
"Umm…" Shit what happened? Umm… "I can't… Oh yeah! Karofsky, he-" I couldn't tell Blaine he kissed me! I started to sob, "oh Blaine I'm so sorry, he kissed me, I couldn't stop him kissing me! I tried! I'm so sorry!" I was gasping for breath against the sobs now but I felt like I was forgetting something, mustn't be important.
"He's hysterical," I glanced over at Mr. Schue who was on the phone and looked really pale, Miss. Pilsbury was next to him and I wondered if they were getting it on again.
"Blaine what's going on?"
"We're taking you to the hospital baby, don't be scared," he hushed me and I nodded, everyone was acting so weird it was making me nervous. I was put in an ambulance and Blaine climbed in to hold my hand, they gave me a shot and it made my heart stop hammering and the searing pain in my large stomach fade away. I drifted off the edge of consciousness when I felt a hard kick inside me and suddenly remembered what I had forgotten, Karofsky pushing on me, my daughter struggling, the cramps but I was already knocked out by the pain killers so I couldn't explain to anyone.
I woke up with a start to a sunrise lit room and Blaine under me, his chest rising and falling in time with mine, one hand on my stomach and the on my back, both drawing slow circles.
"Have you slept?" I asked softly but he jumped anyways.
"No, I couldn't, I mean how could I?" I sighed into him, I didn't even want to ask this time; I didn't feel ill like I did before and I'm guessing they didn't give me that evil shit again but that meant it was different. "Did you think of a name for her?" His voice was flat and shaky and it scared me, he had been so strong through everything else, I couldn't deal with him falling apart too.
"I always wanted Elizabeth for my mom," I said stroking his exposed forearm, "I liked Marie or Julia…"
"No way Julia," he should have laughed but he didn't, "Elizabeth is good, we can't forget that amazing lady can we?"
"Never…"
"Maria, it's a family name of course but Marie works too, it's cute," why was he talking like this? "I love Jade," then he just started crying, big, gasping sobs into my hair.
"Hey! Hey! I struggled upwards despite my body's protests, "shh, what's gotten into you?"
"I wish I could have been there, I shouldn't have let you out of my sight, I just feel so guilty because now, now this is all my fault," he fell back into more sobs and I rocked him gently, my heart was pounding nervously but I had to hold him together right now.
"It will be fine; I'm fine! Come on please don't do this, nothing is your fault, no one knew he was going to do that but it's over now-"
"No Kurt you don't understand, it is over, that's the horrible thing. I didn't want to tell you, I've been thinking about it for two days now and there's no way I can make it come out better because it's, oh God, it's just horrible," he was hiccoughing violently and his hair was crazy and I would have laughed if I had been able to.
"Blaine don't," he blinked his dark eyes sadly, "I don't want to hear it, everything is going to be fine."
"She's not going to make it Kurt," he swallowed and found a new strength as I lost mine, "and they have to take her today and I just wish you hadn't woken up and then you wouldn't have to know this," he was whispering so gently I could barely hear him.
"You agreed to this?"
"I had to, there's no other option," I climbed off him and tried to crawl away but the heart monitor on my chest pulled back and I just couldn't take that flat line, not now, not ever, not again.
"Hey Kurtsy come here," I bounded into my Mom's open arms from the table where I was colouring in the corner of her hospital room, "oh you're getting so big!"
"Don't be silly, I'm tiny compared to the other boys," I pouted, she laughed softly but stopped and grimaced, "Mommy?"
"Don't worry sweetie, I'm just feeling a bit tired," she smiled brightly that I couldn't help but reply. I didn't even notice my Mom didn't have hair or eyelashes anymore, she was still utterly beautiful with her blue-grey eyes that matched mine and her perfect cheekbones that I was always told I had.
"Mommy you're tired a lot, I think you need to go to bed early," I frowned and hoped that I could make her laugh because that's all that I could do. I hated being so young, I didn't understand because no one would tell me anything.
"I think you're right missy," she tickled me and I squealed loudly; when she ran out of breath then we fell into each other and just laid in the silence, the only thing sounding was the steady heart monitor that used to annoy me. "You know you're going to be such an amazing man one day Kurt, your Dad is so lucky he has a little guy like you around to look after him because we all know he can burn cereal if someone's not around." She giggled and sighed, "you know I love you Kurt, more than anything and I, I just hope you forgive me," tears rolled down her face and I clumsily pushed them away.
"Mommy you don't need to be forgiven, you're the best Mom in the whole world and I love you," I hugged her tightly, I would never have known what she was talking about that day. It was just a few hours and a lot of shouting later that I was curled up in my Mom's side, she was so pale and could barely open her eyes but she was like that before and she ended up fine.
"Oh Lizzy," my Dad was holding onto her hand and crying which was weird because he usually pretended he wasn't when I was around, "I have no idea what I'm doing without you."
"Burt shut up, Kurt will look after you, right buddy?" I beamed up at my parents and they both laughed softly.
"I'll never forget you, I'll never stop loving you," he was whispering now, "just help me along the way please? You know he's…"
"Twinkly?" I frowned at them, "I know but he's our son and that just makes him even more special," I was tired so I didn't really know what they were talking about and I didn't really care either.
"I know, I'm just scared, I mean, there's so much more to ask you, so much more you know that I don't and what if I don't learn it? What if I screw up and-"
"Shhh," I felt her lean forward and heard them kiss, "you're the best father ever and everyone is scared, it's not easy but I promise I'll be there to guide you, always." We all sat in silence again, just us three and I wish it could have stayed like this forever; my Mom with her beautiful hair and my Dad pretending like he wasn't tearing up – Just this happy family. "Burt, give this to him OK? When the time is right, when he needs it…"
"Elizabeth are you sure? You're strong enough to fight some more," their voices were wavering in and out because I was falling asleep despite my best efforts; my Mom's smell always made me sleepy.
"I don't know, it just feels like it; I'm not afraid anymore, I just wish I didn't have to leave you," her chest shuddered under me. "I love you Kurtie, forever and ever." Flat line.
Flat line. Everything was in slow motion, I had pulled the monitor off and everyone had rushed in but I backed away into the wall; it was just too much and I wanted to disappear. Dr. Straud was talking to me but I couldn't hear her words, Blaine was crying but I couldn't look at him, my Dad, Carole, Finn, they were all there but nothing was helping. I felt someone grab my arm and a pain shoot through it, I collapsed into some strong arms and a peaceful feeling spread through me. That peaceful feeling didn't last long because when I stirred I knew immediately what was wrong, I was empty and that emptiness would never go away. I wrapped my arms around myself and didn't dare open my eyes, no one was near me, there was no warmth or weight near me and it was sad and relieving at the same time. I'm not sure how long it was before I heard Blaine singing but when I did my heart flickered and I had to move towards him, I couldn't be alone for another second.
Take me away, a secret place,
A sweet escape, take me away.
Take me away to better days,
Take me away, a hiding place.
There's a place that I go that nobody knows,
Where the rivers flow and I call it home,
And there's no more lies in the darkness there's light,
And nobody cries, there's only butterflies.
"Blaine?" He was sitting next to an incubator with machines and tubes coming out of it, he glanced up and smiled, something that couldn't have been easy.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" He sounded like he'd been crying for a long time and his throat was raw, "you're not supposed to be up yet."
"Oh… is that," my eyes were transfixed on the strange crib, "is that her?"
"Yeah, she's still here… It's amazing," I looked at him hopefully but he still looked sad, "they said not to get our hopes up."
"Can we hold her?" My body was not going anywhere, I didn't even want to try and sit up at the moment but I would do anything to get near her.
"Are you sure you're feeling right?"
"Blaine, I wouldn't care if my brain was leaking out of my ear, I'm holding her," my head spun even though I hadn't tried to sit up.
"I'll go get someone just in case," as he left the room I realised I wasn't sure if I wanted to see her, she'd be so tiny, not much more than 1lb, I'd break her and-
"How are you feeling?" Dr. Straud walked in with that awful smile, "everything feeling normal?"
"Apart from the fact that my baby isn't inside me, yes, yes everything feels great," I snapped, my hands were itching to go to my bump but I knew that there was no point anymore.
"Stupid question I understand, so you want to hold her? You need to be able to sit up though," she looked at me like she highly doubted that I'd be able to do anything apart from lie here so, with Blaine's help I pulled myself into a low sitting position.
"I'm scared," I whispered to Blaine as she walked across the room to collect the girl, "this makes it so real…"
"She's beautiful you know," he whispered back, "she looks like your Mom," he said that and my fear turned into nerves and I tingled excitedly.
"Ready?" I stuck out my arms and the tiniest bundle of white blankets was placed in my arms, "she's very fragile, if there was anything we could do she would be on every machine possible… Her heart just won't, just isn't strong enough," why was she still talking? I didn't need to hear this; all I needed was to stare at this baby.
"You're beautiful, your Daddy was right, you look just like your grandma," it was strange, she was so tiny and pink but yet there was something so Elizabeth about her, "she's going to look after you, she looks after me too, I know she does… You have to promise not to forget about us because we'll never forget you; this was the best six months of my life and-" My body broke, I couldn't do it anymore and Blaine swept the bundle out of my arms before I slumped in a ball and I started to bawl. "We. Can't. Call. Her. Eliza, beth," I gasped between sobs, "I, can't…"
"Shhh, I understand, I understand," when my body stopped shaking I looked up and Blaine was staring at her, his eyes were dancing, they were full of gold, green and hazel and I just couldn't stop looking. "What is your name then baby girl? Jade? Marie? Isabella?"
"Holly," I said it and she wiggled in his arms; Blaine and I exchanged a smile, he nudged me and I moved over so he could fit.
"I'll leave you for a couple minutes, call if you need me," the red head woman disappeared with a few clicks of her heels.
"How did you think of Holly?"
"It just felt right… She looks like a Holly," Blaine shifted her so we shared the blanket.
"Holly… Cerina, with a C, it was my grandmother's name and she taught me piano," I sighed softly.
"Are you sure? She's never going to-" I stopped, I couldn't say it.
"But she still taught us something, she's taught us what it's like to be parents, she's taught us how much love we have, she's taught us what we can get through together… She's taught me just how much I love you," when I looked up Blaine caught me in a kiss, his stubble prickled my face but it was so real and comforting that the world was still spinning.
"Holly Cerina Anderson-Hummel you are the most loved little girl I've ever met and we'll never leave this part of our lives behind, it's sad and beautiful at the same time…"
"I hope you appreciated your crazy Dads and you knew just how much of a miracle you are-" He stopped as she shook slightly, "Dr-"
"No, just, just let this be us?" He nodded and we curled into each other, holding Holly into our chests tightly.
"Are you sure you're OK?"
"Yeah… I'm just thinking about my Mom and, how I nearly missed her and I nearly missed Holly and I'm just so lucky," I sniffed but the tears dripped over anyway.
"No, don't think of it like that, you didn't miss it, you were there for them and they'll never forget that," he pulled us both in closer. I wanted to speak but there wasn't anything left to say, it was just us; this happy little family.
I cried writing this...
Apparently Cerina is Darren's Mum's name (yes I'm a massive stalker.)
Apparently Blaine is supposed to be a year older than Kurt (according to a quote from Ryan) but Kurt is a senior in season 3 and Blaine is still at school with him? Either Blaine needed to study more (we all know he loved to interrupt Kurt's study sessions) or wikipedia is lying and wikipedia never lies :O
I'm babbling because I feel bad, I think there's going to be just one more chapter after this.
Oh lyrics: Pocket Full of Sunshine - Natasha Beddingfield.
