CHAPTER NINE

All the way to the Other Cup, I was pretty quiet. Knives kissed me. Or I kissed Knives, or whatever. AGAIN! This was getting pretty ridiculous by now. I mean, it was one thing when we were shitfaced and making out because we weren't sober enough to know better, but what excuse did I have now? None. Yeah, I could have tried saying "I was worried about her falling and the emotions were running high," but the truth is that wouldn't happen if we didn't both think about it before the moment came. So nah, I won't hide behind that.

Until we had a table, we chatted about small things. Then Knives dove right back in.

"Soooo, can I be totally honest? Like, it's making me want to crawl under the table, but…"

"Yeah, fine. Go for it." I wanted to say "No, please stop." But maybe if we got it out of the way, we could move on a little faster and I could spend less time wanting the same thing Knives wanted: to hide.

"Okay. So, um… that was a great kiss." When I groaned and slumped lower in my seat, she went on, "Seriously! Like, I've only ever kissed you and Neil in a way that was… y'know, more than just a peck like with Scott. But for serious, it's so much better when you're sober."

"Ugh… I feel so gross that it happened when I was wasted." When her smile slipped a notch, I held up a hand. "Not because it's you! Just, that's a crappy way for a kiss to happen, even if it's the first or last kiss, or whatever. Probably a really normal thing, but you know what I mean."

"Yeah," she half-laughed, scratching her cheek. "First kiss, huh?" Then she perked up slightly, saying "Washroom, be right back!" That came out of nowhere. But when I only shrugged, she went skipping off with her purse swinging back and forth.

While she was gone, I sipped at my espresso and tried to take stock. Maybe Knives really didn't mind. Anything: that I was a girl, that I was a real asshole of one… that we both slobbered all over each other while intoxicated instead of this being our first kiss, under the monkey bars after I caught her from falling like any normal couple.

And those thoughts only made me feel more panic rising. A normal couple. Parts of my brain sure had hopped on the Pinechau bandwagon in a fucking hurry! But whenever I tried to think of real, legitimate reasons not to try going out with her — at least try it once, I failed. She was sweet, and earnest, and already seemed pretty open to the idea. Probably was holding back her interest level because she could see me hitting the roof the way I was.

What about sex? Was I ready to bang a chick?! Maybe not. But then again, Knives never spent any time talking about anything sexual. She would if I brought it up, but otherwise she seemed more interested in other subjects, like martial arts, music, talking about old times… kissing me. Bedroom stuff could probably wait a while.

As I saw her emerge from the restroom, looking relieved and satisfied with her "mission" in there, I smiled to myself before she could catch me doing it. Knives Chau… about the same height as me, but a little shorter. Did that make me the guy? I mean, I know they say that's not really how lesbians work, but I'd never been one before. Or whatever I was turning into. I didn't know if I could handle that. Bossing her around was kind of fun because she "played along", but the minute she gave a hint she was upset, I crumpled like a cheap suit. Well, that was fine; I hated those kind of He-Man neanderthal dudes, anyway. Sure as fuck didn't want to be one.

How naturally all these thoughts came to me was a little scary. One kiss in the park, and I was already picking out china patterns. No pun intended.

"Sorry," she whispered with an apologetic smile as she sank back into her chair. "What'd I miss?"

"An existential quandary." Sighing, I sat forward again. "So."

"So?"

"Um, if I tell you that… I don't want to kiss you again, what would you say?"

Her answer came a lot faster than I expected; only a second or two of her looking up and away, before she focused on me again. "I'd say that's cool. We tried it, and just because I liked it doesn't mean you had to."

"You liked it!" I breathed in shock, and she grinned. Then I rubbed at my face with both hands. "Fine, fine. Hypothetically, let's say it's the opposite; that I did like it and that I might want to do it again. What would you say?"

"I'd say… we could do it later tonight. At your place?" When my face began to feel cold, and my hands shook, she reached out and laid one of hers on top of mine. "Or not. Probably smarter to like, let this chill overnight and see how we feel in the morning, huh?"

"Y-yeah. Yeah, that's… let's do that."

White teeth flashed in the light as she grinned. "You're too cute, Kim. I mean it, and not just because of the kissing. I always thought you were both cute and cool."

"A rare combination indeed. Geeze… it's not freaking you out at all that a girl kissed you? An older girl?"

"Not that much older," she scoffed. "What, twenty-two?"

"Twenty-four." Another shrug, so I let that drop. "Okay, so yeah, we're both… young-ish, it's not like I'm a cougar. But you're a teenager so it's kind of…"

"I'm not in high school, though. Don't forget that." She took a sip of green milktea, which Julie had made without complaint this time. Probably got chewed out by her manager. "But nah, I don't mind. Scott's the same age as you. And Neil was my age, but he was so not ready to date, so that's… like, yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm alright with it if you are."

Those were all fine points, and I couldn't argue against any of them. "Well, maybe I don't even want to do that. Maybe I just want to be friends with benefits." Then I facepalmed. "Like kissing. Not jumping straight into the sack. God, why can't I talk today?"

Of course, the only effect that had was making Knives blush. "Y-yeah, I'm… really not sure how that should work. Even if we were a normal boy and a girl, or whatever, I'm still pretty… um, virginal."

"Really? You and Neil didn't…?" She shook her head. "That's right, I think you said."

"Anyway, I'm cool with, um, taking it slow. Or not taking it anywhere! All up to you."

My face fell into my hands again and I groaned, "Someone kill me. I didn't sign up for this when I became your friend. It was supposed to be easy, because you're so nice… and now look where we are. Will-They-Or-Won't-They-opolis."

That seemed to take Knives' breath away for a few moments. I didn't know why until she found her voice again. "Well, there is one good thing about this freaking you out."

"Oh yeah? What?"

"Too many distractions to keep pretending you aren't a good person."

"Yeah? Well, I say I'm terrible. Are you saying I'm lying?"

"To yourself," she countered, which I couldn't pretend to disagree with. This little smirk of hers might have been the very first time I ever saw Knives looking smug about anything, and even then, it was way less than most people I know are capable of. "I knew you were good under all that grump. Just… didn't like people to know for some reason? I guess? But you just told me I'm nice."

Blinking, I had to sit back in mild confusion. Did I really say that? Guess so. My face was trying to turn red again, so I lowered myself down into the seat and grumbled, "Shut up."

"Okay, just to make sure: when you say 'shut up' to me, you really just mean that I'm probably right and you don't want me to make you admit it, right? Because if you really want me to stop talking… I could."

The little thrill of guilt that shot through me kept me from saying, "Yes, stop talking forever." Instead, all I did was reach across the table and hold her hand.

"Omigosh," she breathed very softly, eyes widening as she stared down at our unified fingers.

"NOW you have to shut up, before I run away from this café."

~ o ~

Not long after that, we made our way back to my place. Just when I had started to get used to having her over, it not being a weird thing, this happens. Now she's… what, my girlfriend? I don't know, but it's weird and I don't like weird. There's enough of that in my life already.

"It's kinda cool that we can just be… whatever," she glowed with a big smile, clasping my hand and swinging it back and forth as we got closer to my building. "Friends with just kissing."

"Right." Then, because I can't keep my giant mouth shut, I say, "What if I decide I want that, instead, though? The whole 'dating' experience."

"What do you mean? Like… picking you up and giving you flowers?"

"Yeah. I mean, just because I'm taller doesn't mean I should be 'the boy'. You can have that dubious honour."

Knives didn't look very happy about that. "Oh… no thanks. I didn't think you were the boy before, though…"

"Well, most people would. And I'm barely taller, so you can be the boy sometimes, right? Just… I don't know, this isn't really my thing."

"I don't want to be the boy," she repeated… and there was something new in her tone. Bitterness. Not a lot, and it might just have been anger that came out sounding different because she was not a person who was used to being angry at her friends. But it certainly sounded like that. Either way, any idiot could tell she was dead serious in a way I was not used to hearing Knives be serious.

"Uhhh, yeah, forget it," I said, still blinking and trying to get my brain and my mouth to sync up. "Sorry."

"Good," she sighed, then walked a little closer so that she nudged me. "And it's okay, just not really interested. Anyway, isn't the whole point of us being friends and, um, making out that we can both be girls? Since the whole reason we kissed the first time was we got drunk and started talking about how terrible guys can be sometimes."

"That's true." But I still felt like I should be apologising even more than I already did. And had no idea why. But she got her next words out before I could find my courage; was probably hiding down in my liver or something.

"Dooooo you wanna make out a little tonight?"

My immediate response was "NO!" But when Knives only blinked at me, I squirmed. "Ugh. Fine, we'll see how I feel when we get there."

And once I got there, I did feel like it. Not at first, because my heart was pounding and my forehead sweating, even just while talking to Knives about some guy who tried to get her to buy him a bag of chips in exchange for a "rare" American nickel. It was stupid; I was trying to convince myself that we could just be friends, and yet all I could focus on was the kiss from the playground, how nice her weight had felt in my arms, how soft and perfect she was. Like a druggie getting that first hit.

"...and nobody ever saw her again," she sighed. "But stray cats are pretty common, I guess. Still feel bad."

"Yeah," I sighed, lounging back against the chair, legs dangling off the side. Knives was on the couch, but still curled up very neatly in the corner closest to me, legs tucked under her. Most of her glass of juice was gone, and my water. It had been a while.

Seemed she had either run out of stuff to talk about, or she noticed I was having trouble focusing on her random stories, because her arm lifted until she could poke the freckle on my toe. "Cute."

"Right," I laughed, kicking at her. She grinned and looked down at her knees. "Like there's any part of you that's not cute."

A half-second later, I was slapping my hand over my mouth. Knives blinked at me, obviously flattered, and I wanted to turn into goo and seep down into the chair seat and disappear… but before my embarrassment could make my cheeks more than a shade or two darker, her smile came over bittersweet.

"Oh… there's at least one, right? Nobody's perfect."

"Never said that. You're a pain in the ass. But… a cute one."

Again, the bashful look. "So are you." We both kind of looked into each other's eyes. She swallowed, I sat up a little straighter.

"Knives?"

"Yeah?"

"Go home. It's pretty late, and we both have work in the morning."

A little disappointed, she sighed and got up from the couch. I walked her over, leaned against the door jamb while she put her shoes back on and grabbed her bag. Then she shouldered it and smiled up at me.

And I kissed her. Sober me, this time knowing full well that it wasn't a dream, without adrenaline from a near-fall, pulled Knives Chau in for a lip-lock, running my fingers through her hair, and feeling her turn into putty in my hands. It didn't last for more than a minute, maybe two, but by the end of it we were both gasping for air and smiling.

"Wooooow," she breathed.

"Yeah, wow. Get out."

That only made her smile, leaning up to leave a tiny peck on my chin. Then she whispered, "Text you when I get there" before heading out into the night.

To Be Continued…