A/N: Major thanks to BEG75 for introducing me to the awesomeness that is this song that I used for this chapter. ;) And huggles to Twinkeyrocks, just 'cause I can.
Someone kick my muses' ass. Please?
--
"Stay with me, Two hearts forever,
You were the spark that lit the flame.
Oh, and if you,
Stay with me, this love's forever,
In my heart you would remain. Until we meet again.
Unity – Kelly Rowland"
I sigh as I turn on my side and stare at her sleeping form. She fell asleep about an hour and a half ago, but I can't.
I don't want to wake up and realise she's either gone, or this was a dream.
I reach out, and gently put the loose hair from her tiny ponytail behind her ear and place a kiss to her forehead.
All the while trying to figure out why on earth I decided to fuck this up.
She stirs slightly next to me, and I hold my breath, hoping and praying she doesn't wake up. She scrunches her nose in the cute way she used to, and shifts towards me, and snuggles close.
I hesitate for a minute, convinced that I'm dreaming, until she rests her head against my chest. Then I wrap my arms around her and place a kiss to her temple.
"What time is it?"
"One,"
"PM?!" she exclaimed, shooting upright in bed
"In the morning," I chuckle as I pull her back, "Would I let you sleep till one in the afternoon?"
"It's happened before," she giggled as she rested her head on my arm. "Have you been to sleep yet?" she asks with a sleep-laced voice.
"No" I laugh, "Couldn't sleep."
"Couldn't? Or wouldn't?"
"Bit of both," I admit, "I wanted to watch you for a while."
"So, yeah… That isn't creepy." She giggled as I nip her skin. "Ow"
"It was supposed to be sweet," I inform her,
"It was. I'm just playing,"
"So…"
"So…" She smiled.
"Are we okay…?"
She shrugged, "As okay as okay can be."
I nod, "Is that good?"
"I'm still here," she points out, "It can't be that bad,"
I smile and kiss her lightly on the cheek, before she turns and kisses me lightly on the lips.
She pulls back and rests on my chest. I hesitate for a minute, then reach to her face, and turn it towards me, and kiss her lightly.
She shifts in my arms, and wraps her arm lazily across my waist as we both melt into the kiss. Turning slightly, I pull her close to me, and lace my fingers in her hair, intensifying the kiss.
After what seems like forever, and the need for oxygen becoming too apparent I pull away, and look her in the eyes – her tear filled eyes.
"Are you okay? Do you want to stop? You want me to take you home?"
She shook her head silently, while tears fell down her cheek "No. I want to stay here."
"What's the matter then? Is it something I've done? Do you want me to sleep somewhere else. I can get the pull out. Let you have the bed – I'll sleep on the floor"
"No, no it's not that" she assured me while grabbing my arm and pulling me back towards her.
"Okay, so we're clear… are these happy or sad tears."
She giggled as she sniffed and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of my NYPD gym shirt I'd given her to sleep in. "Ish"
"Ish?"
"I dunno," she shrugged as she turned around so she was facing the other way, only to edge her way back towards me, so she fit perfectly into the curve of me curled up. "I can honestly say I didn't expect to be here with you, like this."
"Right," I nod against her shoulder as I wrap my arms around her waist,
"And, I didn't expect to be okay with sleeping here. Knowing, what happened," she trailed off, "I don't – I didn't – I never-"
"Go on," I chuckle at her trying to find the right way of phrasing what she was about to say.
"After tonight I thought that was it, that I was done with you and me." She said, "But, I was wrong," she quickly added.
I nod and kiss her temple, "It's gonna be tough, you know that right?"
"No tougher than what we've already been through," she shrugged,
"Which will make us stronger, you know that right?"
"If you would have let me finished I would have gone onto say that, actually," she mused as she kissed my shoulder that was lazily draped over her.
I chuckle, and kiss her shoulder blade lightly and rest my head on her pillow. Out of the four I have on the bed, we're using one.
Just like we used to.
"Linds…" I say as her chest rises and falls slowly in front of me.
"Mhmm,"
"So you know, all the tears you've cried because of me, I haven't ignored them. I know all this was my fault. But I promise I'll make it up to you. I'll make things right, I promise."
"I don't doubt it for a second," she said as she turned to face me, resting her forehead against mine.
"And everything that was taken – all the memories you were talking about, we can get them back. We can make new ones, better ones."
She let out a small giggle and kissed me on the nose, "That's the best bit," she said, voice genuine.
"Lindsay," I sigh, "I want to say something to you, but I don't want you to get upset, alright? Promise me you wont get upset."
"Why don't I like the sound of this," she sighed as she sat up and turned on her bedside light on.
"Promise?"
"I'll try," she shrugged as I sat next to her, back against my headboard.
"I want you to listen to me aswell. Don't interrupt me."
"Not planning on," she told me, "I don't think I'll be able to, anyway."
"In the letter I left you, I said a few things that I feel I need to tell you in person."
She nodded,
"First of all, and probably the main one is that I Love you."
She smiled and nodded.
"Second, I want you to know that none of this was your fault. I don't want you in an argument or when you're a little upset when you think back further down the line to what happened here and think it was your fault. Because it wasn't."
Again she just nodded, her expression blank.
"And, what I have been trying to say to you ever since I got back, but haven't really found the courage is that… well… Don't ever think that I think of you as a shallow, clingy girlfriend. You have no idea how much it hurt that day to here you call yourself that. And I just want you to know that never for even a second, did I think of you like that. I just knew I had to push you away to protect you. Keep you away from the mess I had created. You're my best friend, Lindsay. You're everything to me. I know I don't say that often, or express how much I love you like I should, but I do. So what I'm trying to say is that I do love you, and I want to make this work, Lindsay. And I promise that I will make up for the things that have happened. Maybe not straight away, or ever for that matter, because only you know how much I hurt you – and if I could, I'd take the pain away, but I can't. So, instead, I promise I'm gonna make it up to you."
"Do me a favour, Danny,"
My heart rate increases – the last time she said that was the result of my monologue I had just given her "Anything," I breathe
"Don't call me Lindsay, you call me that when you're mad at me, or we're fighting."
I smile and pull her into my side, "Anything, Montana."
She rests her head against my shoulder.
"I'm not promising that I'm not going to get upset again," she started "or push you away, but I'm going to try my hardest to talk to you about it. If I find myself pushing you away or something, I'm gonna try and talk to you."
"Same goes," I smile as I kiss her forehead, "All we can do is try,"
"And if at first you don't succeed, try, try again..." She chuckled, "Sorry, my Daddy used to say that a lot when I was little. I got annoyed when things didn't go my way, and lost my patience quickly."
"Really?" I muse imagining her as a 6-year-old with honey blonde pigtails and big brown eyes, "Who would have thought someone as calm and collected as you lost their patience?"
"I know," she shrugged,
"I was being sarcastic," I interrupt. "You? Patient? You gotta be kidding me, remember that Lillian Stanwick case you worked with Stel, and you lost it with Adam on the phone."
She rolled her eyes and pinched my sides, "Trust you to remember something like that,"
"Enough of the pinching of the love handles, Monroe."
"Did I accidentally pinch a nerve instead of some puppy fat, Messer?"
"Laugh it up," I muse, humouring her. "Just wait, I'll get ya sooner or later- when you're trying to shift baby weight, after you've given birth. That's right... you and me, pinching wars."
What I didn't realise that she had stopped breathing about 10 seconds ago. "Montana, you with me?"
She spluttered, "What did you just say"
"I'll pinch you like there's no tomorrow."
"No, no." she said shaking her head, "before that…"
"What, when you're pregnant?"
"That's the one… You think of that?"
"Sometimes." I shrug, "Not very often, but sometimes, when I see a girl and her Mom together. Or a dad with a baby girl."
She nodded against my chest, "Okay."
"Okay?" I laugh, "Okay?"
"What do you want me to say, Danny?"
I think for a minute. What did I want her to say? "Have you never thought of children?"
"Honestly, I don't know. Not really – we were never in the place to think of something like that. Plus, I thought-" she stopped dead in her tracks and shook her head, "It doesn't matter"
"No, go on."
"No," she insists, shaking her head, "Forgot what I was gonna say."
"Lindsay, I can take it,"
"I thought-"
"You thought…."
"I thought with what happened with Ruben that you wouldn't be able – you wouldn't-"
"You thought I wouldn't be able to cope with the prospect of being a father because of what happened with Ruben and how I blamed myself?"
"Yeah, that's what I meant."
"And I agree with you," I admit, "If I was faced with the prospect of being a dad I would probably freak out. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't love the baby though."
"Danny, you're talking to me as if I'm pregnant, you know something I don't?" she giggles,
"No, no… I'm just – just for future reference I guess. So you know,"
She nods, "Danny, can I ask you a question now,"
"Will I like it?"
"I'm not sure," she said looking down at her hands,
"Go ahead,"
"Have you really dealt with what happened? What happened between you and Ruben? Not what happened with Rikki, but what you went through, the guilt?"
"Honestly, I don't know," I shrug. "I'm sure the time will come when something makes them feelings surface, and depending on how I react, I guess we'll know as to whether I've coped with the guilt over time or not…"
"Do you still blame yourself?"
"Do you blame yourself for being the only one that survived?" I counter
"Sometimes," she nods honestly, "Anniversaries, birthdays. Things like that. I blame myself then."
"Other times?"
"Other times, I tell myself that I was a victim just as much as what they were. Dare I say more so than them. They didn't have to live through the horrors I did… The pain…"
"Linds, you don't gotta-"
"I'm just trying to show how it gets easier sometimes."
"But sometimes it's like it happened yesterday?"
"Exactly" she nods as she grips onto my arm, "Danny?"
"Yeah honey?"
"Are we going to be okay?"
"I think so… I hope so…"
She nods silently against my shoulder where her head is resting against it, "Do you want something to drink, some hot chocolate?"
"The way you used to make it," she asks me, "with marshmallows."
"How else would I make it?" I smile as I prod her nose, "You coming, or you staying here?"
"I'll come," she nodded "Give me a minute."
I nod, and kiss her on the end of her nose before climbing out of bed.
--
I lean against the counter, reading yesterday's paper when she pads into the kitchen wearing my sweats and shirt I had given her, tousled hair, and a small smile on her face.
"Hey Linds, remember him," I ask pushing the paper towards her. "Tyrell Mann"
"Superman" Lindsay chuckled, "And for good reason, 45 college career touchdowns, over 3000 career rushing yards, and he averaged 70.2 yards a carry."
"You always amazed me with your sports stats."
She giggled as she sat on the stool. "Do you remember what you said to me?"
"Yeah," I nodded as my heart rate increased as she handed me the paper back.
"It was so lame," She laughed,
"Lame?" I ask, with my eyebrows raised.
"Let's tackle that question?"
"I did say that" I nod, as the kettle boiled, "I thought you were talking about something else."
Lindsay blushed slightly, as my gaze bore into her. "You gonna get that?"
I shake my head and reach for the kettle, and pour the boiling liquid into our cups, and stirring the mix in mine, and then in her's.
"You counted your marshmallows, Montana?"
"31" she giggled, "One for every year."
"You're such a dork," I tease, "How are you going to fit them in the cup."
"I'll dip 'em," she shrugged as she popped one into her mouth.
"Only you, country girl, only you."
--
"Regardless Danny, Big was in the wrong."
"He was not," I fight back as the rolling credits of Sex And the City go across my screen, "He freaked, but he went back for her. That's gotta be accounted for."
"Like hell it does. She was there, he wasn't. He was in the wrong. He waited months to get in touch with her."
"She blocked his emails-" I remind her, "She would have got them long before had she not had Louise from St. Louis block his email."
"He was in the wrong," she huffed at me, before chucking a small handful of marshmallows at me.
"Did you just throw marshmallows at me?" I grin.
"Maybe."
"Right," I chuckle, "it's war." I dart across the living room floor, to where she had made herself quite the little cocoon with my duvet. Nudging her to the floor, and leant with my legs, either side of her waist, and tickled her sides.
"You got ten seconds to get of me," she squeaked, as she squirmed underneath me.
"Yeah, like you can do anything…" I tease, "I have you right where I want you..."
I open my mouth for a millisecond, and she managed to shove a handful of marshmallows into my mouth, "Linds," I complain, trying to keep them all in my mouth
"Tell me I win," she giggles, a hand full of marshmallows.
"Over my dead body," I inform her as I swallow.
"That can be arranged," she smiled as I lean down to kiss her, our hands intertwined above her head. Initially the kiss is gentle and loving, but somehow she manages to wiggle her hands out of my grip, and laces her fingers through my short hair, deepening and intensifying the kiss.
"Not here," I whisper against her lips, "You deserve better than my living room floor."
She leans up and kisses my jaw "It doesn't matter where, Danny."
"Are you sure we're even ready?"
"Stop thinking," she scolds me, "Stop thinking of what the right thing to do is, and go with what feels right."
I shake my head, and roll back on my heels, so I'm crouching above her. I bend down, and pick her up, so she's cradled in my arms as she wraps her arms around my neck, and meets my lips in a kiss. I stand up steadily, and head towards my bedroom.
Bending down, I use my elbow to open my bedroom door, "I want things to be right."
"And they will be," she smiled as I move into the bedroom, letting her kick the door shut on the rest of the world.
It was just her and me, in that one moment.
"Are you sure, Lindsay?" I ask as I lower her onto the bed. "I don't want to make you feel you have to-"
She placed her index finger against my lips, and then moved to kiss me, before tugging my shirt over my head, and chucking it across the room. No words passed her lips.
None were needed.
Just her and me- in that one moment told me everything I needed to know.
We were two hearts forever, just waiting for the spark to light the flame, again. Waiting to join as one.
--
R&R? It's muchly appreciated.
