Chapter Nine: this too will pass
Kensi picked up the envelope and ripped it open with her thumbnail. As she began reading the traitorous words out loud she was aware of a subtle change in the atmosphere at the table, as if the air around them had become charged with electricity before a storm and realised that they were literally hanging onto each and every single word as she spoke, almost as if she had written some finely crafted and deathless prose, rather than just firing off a letter on the spur of the moment. She wanted to stop and remind them that it was just a letter, not a big deal by any stretch of the imagination, and that in any case Deeks had never known what she had written, so it really didn't matter. It was just a collection of words on a piece of paper that had been lying unread in a file for over ten years. They really shouldn't make such a big deal about it. Because she wasn't. And it was only a letter, for God's sake. A letter which he had never got to read.
When Kensi got to the end of the first paragraph and said "So don't flatter yourself that this means anything, because it doesn't," Nell hitched in a sharp intake of breath and gave Callen an anxious look, which he returned in spades. Kensi saw quite clearly that she wasn't fooling them for a second. More than anything, she wished desperately that she had damned well made sure she'd retrieved this stupid letter when she got back from Prague and torn it up, burned the pieces and then scattered the ashes to the four winds.
"You're just so not my type," her voice said, reading out all the lies she'd written and sounding strangely vulnerable, as if it belonged to a complete stranger. "I was never in love with you, not for one single second. But you knew that, didn't you?" And her voice wobbled slightly, and then broke completely.
"Oh, Kensi." Nell's hand reached out across the table and took hold of her own, squeezing it sympathetically. She didn't know if she could bear to listen to any more of this.
Sam could not remember a time when he had felt more uncomfortable. "You don't have to read any more."
"This was just meant to be a bit of fun," Callen agreed. He'd never meant to hurt her, nor had he the slightest inclining of what she had actually written. If he had thought for one moment that Kensi would be forced to expose her soul in this way, to relive all her hopes and dreams in front of them, he would never have suggested this.
"It's fine. I'm fine," Kensi said determinedly, pulled the ragged edges of her composure together and continued reading in an increasingly wavering voice, aware that her emotions were building up, despite her best efforts at control. When she came to "I never asked for you to be my partner, I never had any choice in the matter", her tears could no longer be checked; they welled up until her eyes were so full she could scarcely see and then they rolled down her cheeks.
"Why are you crying, Mommy?" Her son materialised in front of her, small face screwed up anxiously. "I don't like it when you cry." His chin wobbled ominously.
"I'm fine, darling." Kensi reached down and pulled him into her lap, hiding her face in his soft curls, hugging the beloved little body close to her. The letter fluttered from her hand and fell down onto the table.
"I'll continue for you, shall I?" Kensi nodded blindly, unable to speak. "I'm going to skip to the good part. "PS: I love you. Always have, always will. But you knew that, didn't you?" You cribbed from the Beatles, by the way. "
Her little boy nestled his head under Kensi's chin and said "I love you too, Mommy," with all the sweet innocence only a four year old could muster.
Nell looked longingly at the last letter in the file, which still had to reveal its secrets.
Slushy plot bunny is desolate now. He's sitting in the corner and refusing to look at me. Needless to say, evil plot bunny is beside himself with joy. Nasty little beast. One more part to come, in due course.
