Author's Note: Thank you all so much for reviewing the last chapter! It really means a lot every time I receive one. Now, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this story, but I know it'll go somewhere, we all know how it ends. So, in the space between the next time Lily talks to James (yes she will begin the conversation next time), I've decided to write a few chapters of multiple days, just a bunch of little drabbles connected in one chapter. So yeah.
Thank you all. Here it goes.
October 5, 1976
Dear Lily,
It is late, past my bedtime. Look, time has just crossed into October 5th. Yesterday (or rather two days ago) I left you alone, and today (yesterday) I pretended that you weren't looking at me every time you noticed my face. And I pretended that every time you looked away I wasn't staring at you, constantly wandering over the freckles you wore on your nose and upper cheeks, your pinkish skin masking the very core of your being - your organs and bones. To me, you are perfect in every layer.
I know I thought I would wait forever for you to turn around and reappear, but forever is a long time. It's been two days and I'm already missing trying to speak to you, trying to make a fool of myself in case you'll look me over and let the left side of your lips twitch up as you always do when you attempt not to smile. Waiting for forever is hard. It's a long way off.
But right now I am thinking, and, as always, my thoughts stray to you.
I am so exhausted from lying in bed thinking about how amazing we would be together.
I will try to fall asleep. It will take a well-rested James to stop James from saying something dumb to you.
Love,
James
October 11, 1976
Dear Lily,
I feel sick. Okay, well I feel like feeling sick. I don't want to see you, I don't want to, honestly. Fine. I'm afraid, all right? That's okay, probably not. I don't want to run into you, okay?
You don't even understand, but every moment I see you I have to turn my eyes away because now, after realizing how deeply my emotions run, I need all my willpower not to say it. Do you even know how hard it is to love you? One wrong step and it's all gone. And I've made it disappear so many times.
It's not easy to pretend you don't exist, Lily. It's harder than anything I've ever done because I am deeply in love with you. God. You just had to ruin my life, didn't you? You just had to be adorable. Always, always, always. Every year, getting more beautiful, more charming, more challenging, more real, more everything I've ever wanted.
Sigh. I'm not angry Lily. I just wish you were mine. All the time.
I'm going to fake sick today and pretend like I'm a hermit. It's easier than watching you in class, wishing and waiting.
Love,
James
October 12, 1976
Dear Lily,
I've faked sick again today. Okay, well, actually today I might be sick. My head aches, and my nose is numb. Sirius looked on me with pity this morning. "Heartbreak?"
I didn't answer. I didn't want to, you know? I just pulled the covers back over my head, groaning. I don't know where this cold has come from, but it feels like the same one I get every year right after school, when I haven't seen you in awhile. Maybe... No.
Well maybe, after thinking about you but not being around you, dreaming about you but not looking at you, I have developed a Lily sickness. God, this cannot be real, but it feels real. It is real.
You are a beautiful cold, taking residence in my head, without a cure. And if I could find one, would I use it?
No. Never.
Love,
James
October 17, 1976
Dear Lily,
My headache has just stopped even though I've been back at school for five days, even though yesterday I accidentally brushed up against your shoulder while walking out of charms. You stopped suddenly, as if ice touched you, a real cold shoulder, I suppose, but I ignored it and walked on, catching up to Remus. When I knew you were walking the other direction, I turned around to watch your ponytail swing back and forth, mentally kicking myself for letting my eyes wander you again. I shouldn't let it happen. I'm trying and failing to get you to come to me. But I can't help that I want to look at you all the time. I don't think I'll ever get tired of watching you. Every time I see you it's as if there's a new freckle, a new crinkle in your lips, a new shine in your eyes. It's breathtaking, really.
The Marauders don't bring you up, and I'm rather grateful. I think they know I'm hurting too much as it is constantly thinking about you. We just laugh like we used to, like we always do, but... for me the pranks have become monotonous. I don't know if it's this weak depression I've wandered into, or because I'n growing up, maturing. I don't know. But I think of you whenever we plan, wondering how you will react. And I know, every time, there won't be a smile, a grin, a smirk - anything I'm hoping for. Instead, the lips twitch, yeah, but more into an angered glare in my direction. And it's never in the direction of Sirius, or Peter, or, heaven forbid, Remus. Me. Always me. I'm the problem. But this time, I won't make eye contact with you. And I don't know if I'm happy with that or not.
I sigh again and walk away from the Marauders. They don't say anything, Remus just nods at me. Like he know what I'm thinking. Which he probably does. He knows, that damn wolf.
I walk outside. It's cool, the wind whipping my hair, tufts standing up. Leaves fall, golden brown glistening in the clouds, twisting and nimbly touching down on green grass, crackling. I laugh slightly. The world is so beautiful sometimes. All the time, yes, but I only sometimes notice. Other times, I walk outside and carry myself as if I am above everything else. But when I see these leaves, the shift of tree limbs, and everything so real and natural. I understand it is I who is below everything.
I'm wandering, not because I am lost, but because I am searching. For you.
I didn't even think about it when I came outside, but somewhere my feet take me by my heart's thinking, and here I am walking around. Your face is somewhere.
And then I see you. You stand in front of the lake, letting the water dissolve at your feet in little crests. You don't see me, I'm about fifty paces behind you. I debate running up to you, turning you around and saying something. I don't know what, but I can't do that, not yet. I'm not there yet, we aren't there yet. My mind crashes into a quiet place and I dream about this moment in the future, coming up behind you and wrapping my arms around you, kissing the back of your head. I shake my head. Not yet.
You sense my presence and turn around. Your eyes are nimble, chasing over my face, my expressionless face. You make eye contact with me and it takes all of my strength to keep my legs from buckling under the weight of those deeply sad emeralds. They plead, almost, asking me to come up and act like an idiot so things will be normal again.
But I don't want normal. I want change.
So I shrug, turn around, and walk back up to school. But not without whispering.
My heart is washed up, hidden by sand and seaweed - I hope you find it.
Love,
James
October 19, 1976
Dear Lily,
We made progress today. Somewhat.
Transfiguration. We were learning about theories of nonverbal spells. It all seemed rather intriguing, really, but I wasn't paying attention. I think no one was. Friday, you know? Even McGonagall looked distracted, her work tasks almost boring to her as well. Could anyone blame her? We were waiting. Ten minutes until the weekend started. Sirius couldn't keep quiet. He bounced lightly, drumming his fingers, whispering to Selina, but a stage whisper really, one that was loud enough to hear. I caught inklings of their conversation, but I was only half listening, my gaze stuck on you. Again.
And in the last moments of class you looked up to see me. Surprise wandered through your eyes, but it was short-lived as your eyes darkened. Then, with McGonagall droning on, it was only you and I in the world, your lips twitching. And with short movements, they opened.
But you hesitated. Debating, wondering, thinking, is this the right choice?
There's always so much meaning in hesitation.
The bell rang, we all ran out, and your mouth shut.
Someday. Soon?
Love,
James
Author's Note: Woo! I loved writing all of these. I'm debating keeping it like this, having many drabbles in one chapter. I'm not sure. What do you think? When you review (and hopefully EVERYONE REVIEWS) please tell me if this is a good idea, or you would rather I keep simple drabbles? Ah well. Please answer and review! Thank you all.
-St. Walker
