Hello everyone. I'm sorry this chapter has taken so long. I hit a bit of a mental block but I think I'm over it now. I have the next few chapters mapped out but I won't make any promises on when I might have them up. Thank you for all your reviews. I hope you enjoy this chapter too.

Chapter 9

Alicia stared down at her phone and the endless chain of one-sided unanswered messages. She knew Bea had read them, such was the wonder of modern technology, but it had been three days and Alicia hadn't heard a word from her. Wherever she was, Alicia hoped she was ok. Although knowing Bea she was probably hiding from the world, embarrassed and humiliated.

Alicia would be lying if she said Bea's drunken declaration hadn't shocked her. But Bea had vanished out the door before Alicia had time to react. Since then she had put so much energy into her work and trying to find out if Bea was alright that she hadn't stopped to think about how she felt about it herself. All Alicia knew was that she missed her friend.

Alicia had told Bea in her numerous messages that she had no reason to be embarrassed. She had told her she wasn't freaked out although that was a little white lie. After the first day when Bea hadn't returned home, Alicia told her that she was still welcome to stay. She had told her she cared about her, that Bea had been a great friend to her these past few months and she appreciated it more than she could say. She even left a voicemail telling Bea she wanted to talk to her in person instead of by text but every message went unanswered and Alicia was running out of things to say.

Rash seemed nervous when Alicia cornered him in the staff room later that day. If anyone would know Bea's whereabouts it was him.

"Er, yeah" Rash said reluctantly when Alicia flat out asked him if he knew where Bea was staying. He looked at the floor and not at Alicia. "She's been crashing on my sofa. Did you two have a falling out or something? She's not told me a thing apart from that she broke up with Lilah."

Alicia's heart sank. She had hoped Bea had found someone to talk to instead of stewing in her own feelings and making herself crazy. Alicia knew what that was like, and now she was out the other side she truly realised how destructive that was. But it appeared not. Alicia hoped the reason Bea hadn't told Rash the whole story wasn't to protect her, Alicia honestly didn't care who knew if it meant Bea was hurting a little less.

She shook her head. "Not exactly. But she's not been replying to any of my messages and I'm really worried. Can you tell me at least if she's looking after herself? She's still on mediation…"

"Don't worry about that" Rash said. "She's taking her meds, I made sure of it."

"Alicia?" The door flew open and Charlie appeared. "Sorry. We need you in resus."

Alicia nodded at the nurse and he ducked back out of the room. She turned to Rash but didn't know what more to say.

"I'll tell Bea you asked after her" he said. Alicia gave him a small appreciative smile but she didn't know what good it would do. Bea already knew. Alicia would just have to trust that Bea would reach out when she felt she was ready. Whether that was to her or to somebody else, Alicia didn't mind.

Before Alicia opened the doors into Resus she heard the baby's wails. Iain had to raise his voice above the din to do his handover.

"This is Joseph Morgan, he's 6 weeks old. He has a fever and shortness of breath."

Alicia listened as Iain reeled off the medication the infant had already received and his vital statistics. Elle was already leaning over the screaming baby and taking her stethoscope from around her neck to listen to his chest for herself. Behind her, a woman was crying and Robyn had her arm around her, trying to calm her.

"What's wrong with my baby?" the distraught woman asked.

"We don't know yet" Robyn answered truthfully. "Let the doctors do their work."

"I want to be with him!"

"Come on, I promise you can see him soon."

Alicia heard all this but didn't take her eyes from the baby. He was tiny. Brand new. He looked so fragile and helpless laid out on the bed built for adults but Alicia didn't stop for long to marvel at this tiny little creature in front of her, he was clearly poorly and needed her help.

Robyn managed to persuade the distraught mother to leave resus and Alicia breathed a sigh of relief. She always found it so much harder to treat very sick children with their parents present.

"Iain, did the mother say anything about what happened?" Elle asked

"She told us he hadn't been himself all morning, he wouldn't eat when he woke up. She called us when she realised he had a temperature. He's gone downhill pretty rapidly."

"Alright, thank you" Elle said to the paramedic then turned her attention back to the child.

"Where do you want me?" Alicia asked Elle taking a step towards the patient.

"I thought you could take the lead on this one." Alicia clearly had a look of horror on her face as Elle added "I'll be here if you need me, I promise. But you've got this. You want to work with children, don't you? Then you need experience with the really tiny ones."

"Right." Alicia nodded. She had to put all her problems out of her mind. None of them were even a fraction as important as saving a sick baby. "Alright little man" she said, doing her best to stay calm. "Let's see what the matter is hey?"


"I hear you have a new born in there. They're tough to treat when they're that small. Are you ok?" Ethan put his hand on Alicia's shoulder in comfort. Alicia appreciated the gesture but she truly was ok. The baby was doing better and his temperature had fallen a little. He seemed to be improving, albeit slowly. Alicia had left resus to chase up his lab results and met Ethan by reception.

"I'm fine" Alicia said. She smiled, hoping to show Ethan she meant it. "Besides, Elle's helping me."

"Well, I'm here if you need any help with him" Ethan said. "Not that I think you need it" he added hastily. "I know you've got this. Babies like you."

Ethan's awkwardness made Alicia smile. He began to walk away but Alicia called after him. "Ethan?" He turned around, a vaguely hopeful look on his face. "Does your offer of a home-made lasagne still stand?"

"Absolutely."

"Then are you free tonight? My place?" Ethan nodded, but cautiously. "Friends" Alicia said, clearly clarifying her intentions with that one word. "I miss hanging out with you."

Ethan relaxed. "I miss that too. Will Dr Kinsella be there?"

Alicia shook her head. "No, I don't think so."

"I'll go to the supermarket after work" Ethan said.

Alicia nodded. "Then I'll get the wine."

"Do you have a ceramic oven dish?"

Alicia laughed at the level of concern on his face at the thought that she might not. This was typical Ethan, worrying about insignificant details.

"I think I do."

Alicia was looking forward to reconnecting with Ethan. Whatever had, or hadn't, happened between them in the past, it felt like they had a chance to start over, to wipe the slate clean. Alicia enjoyed Ethan's company. He made her laugh and she felt safe with him. That was all she needed, there was no need to think too much about what that meant.

She still had a smile on her face as she walked back towards resus. She passed Rash pushing a patient in a wheelchair towards cubicles, but didn't pay them much attention until a female voice called her name.

"Alicia?"

Alicia stopped and looked back. "Brenda?"

Rash looked between the two women. "Do you know each other?"

Brenda took another breath through the oxygen mask she wore before removing it from her face again so she could speak. "Oh, we go way back lovey. Last week was it?"

"Longer than that" Alicia said with a grin. "About ten days?" She turned her attention to Rash. "We met in the park. What's going on?"

"Mrs Johnson here brought herself in. She's been having trouble breathing. I was just about to take her to be checked out."

"You didn't tell me you were a doctor" Brenda said slowly. Her breathing was laboured and she was forced to use the mask again.

Alicia shrugged. "I am" she said. "You better leave that mask on. Dr Masum here will sort you out. I'm sorry, I've got a patient of my own, but I'll come and find you later ok?"


Alicia warmed her stethoscope between her hands and placed it gently on the baby's fragile chest. She could feel his mother's eyes on her watching her every move. She took his temperature, glanced at the monitors for his heart rate and added the readings to his notes.

"Joey's temperature is falling and his breathing is improving" Alicia said cautiously. "He's still a very poorly little boy, but there is some improvement there."

"What's wrong with him?" The mother sounded completely dejected. Her voice was strained, as though every syllable threatened to turn into a sob. She stroked her son's tiny toes. "His feet are so cold."

"He has sepsis. But we caught it early enough that he has a good chance of recovery."

The exhausted young mum looked up at Alicia. "I did the right thing calling an ambulance?"

Alicia walked round the cot and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Helena, you absolutely did the right thing."

"I thought I was overreacting. Being a hysterical new mum."

"You trusted your instincts. You know your baby better than anyone and you knew something was wrong. You did the very best thing you could for your son, now it's our turn to look after him. Is there anyone we can call for you? A partner?"

Helena Morgan gave Alicia a small sad smile. "No, it's just the two of us. My brother lives in Birmingham, he's driving over. What happens next?"

"We monitor him. He's not quite stable enough to be moved to the NICU, but there's a bed on standby for him when I think it's safe. I'm sorry there's not more we can do at this stage."

"Can I stay here? I'm not in the way am I?"

Alicia gave the woman's shoulder a squeeze. "Of course not."

A little while later Alicia came back to check on her patient to find Robyn alone with the baby.

"I persuaded Helena to stretch her legs for 5 minutes in the fresh air" the nurse said, pre-empting the question Alicia was about to ask. "There's no change in his condition."

Alicia nodded. She looked down at the sleeping baby. He looked peaceful despite all the wires and tubes. "It's not fair" she said quietly. He was still so new. He hadn't had a chance to make mistakes yet, to hurt anyone or to get hurt himself. He had his whole life ahead of him and who knew what that had in store for him. Alicia often thought how unfair life was. When sweet old men die alone from cancer and violent thugs escape a knife fight with nothing more than a scratch. When innocent children fall ill or get injured and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it.

"What did he do to deserve this eh?" Alicia stroked the baby's soft hand.

"I know." Robyn stopped what she was doing and sighed. "There's no reason I can see for any of this." She made a sweeping motion with her arm. "All I want to do is go home and give Charlotte a cuddle."

"You'll call me if anything changes?" Alicia asked, not taking her eyes from the baby as she moved towards the door. "I need to…" But Alicia didn't finish that sentence.

"I will" Robyn replied, understanding.


Alicia needed five minutes to herself. The day had unsettled her, but she treated sick kids all the time, little Joseph Morgan wasn't the only factor. She was apprehensive about getting close to Ethan again and she was curiously worried about Brenda Johnson, a relative stranger she had only met twice. And of course the elephant in the room was Bea's revelation that had played heavily on her mind since the words left Bea's mouth.

But the reason Alicia felt so off kilter was more fundamental than thinking about that. For months now, Bea had been her pillar. And now she wasn't here for Alicia to lean on. For all she said about needing to cope with her ordeal with Eddie and everything else that life had thrown at her recently on her own, there was no denying that Alicia needed Bea. More than she realised. Perhaps it was selfish, Bea clearly had her own problems to deal with and Alicia was the one person who couldn't help her with them.

Alicia's head was all over the place. She didn't feel at all able to do her job, despite her assurances to Ethan. She shouldn't be treating anyone right now, least of all a new born baby, but the department was short staffed what with being short two junior doctors. They had to power through fatigue and exhaustion and personal distractions all the time. Alicia would just have to find a way to focus and do her job.

"Are you alright love? You look troubled." Alicia looked up to see Brenda standing beside her. "Don't worry, I'm not doing a runner. That nice young doctor is taking very good care of me. I just don't cope very well with being cooped up inside, I needed some fresh air. And I needed to call my neighbour to give Molly her dinner and I couldn't get any phone reception inside."

Alicia smiled but didn't say anything. She wanted to be on her own but she didn't want to be rude.

"A doctor eh?" Brenda continued. "That's really something. I never did anything with my life, not really. I just worked in a grocer's my whole life."

Still Alicia was quiet, but realised she had to say something. She didn't want to talk about herself. "How are you feeling?"

"Oh, I'm alright. A bit of a dodgy ticker, that's all. I feel fine but they're running all kinds of tests. I think it's a waste of time personally."

Alicia turned to the woman. "It's not. If there's something wrong we need to find out what it is. We can't have you keeling over on us."

"Alicia, we need you."

Alicia turned to look at Robyn calling her from the ED entrance and fear gripped her. "Go on love" Brenda said, and Alicia didn't need to be told twice.

"It's Joseph Morgan, he's taken a turn for the worse" Robyn said when Alicia had caught up with her. Together they sprinted to resus.

"Call Dr Gardener" Alicia said to anyone who would listen the second she entered the room. She was out of her depth and she wasn't too proud to admit it, not when a baby's life was in danger. She glanced at the monitors looming over his tiny body. His heart rate her fallen dramatically and his temperature hadn't improved. Alicia listened to his chest and shook her head in frustration.

"Dr Munroe?" Elle entered the room in a hurry and was immediately by Alicia's side. "Tell me."

Alicia shook her head again, but more frantic this time. She backed away towards the door, panic rising in her chest. "Can you treat him please?" she asked. "I don't know what I'm doing."

Elle put her hand on Alicia's back. "Yes you do, come on. Let's work the problem together."

"I'm sorry" Alicia said and ran out the door.


Alicia sat in the staff room in tears. She was sure she was going to be reprimanded for what she did, running out of resus when her patient needed her. But Elle had been there, and she trusted the consultant more than she trusted her own abilities right now. Alicia heard the door open but didn't look up, afraid of who she might see.

It was Elle. She sat beside Alicia where she was curled up on the sofa. "Joseph is stable" she said. "We managed to get his sats up and he's ready to be transferred up to the NICU."

Alicia wiped her eyes with the hem of her scrub top. "That's good" she said. Her voice was small.

"What was that in there?" Elle asked.

"I think I shouldn't have been treating that baby" Alicia admitted. "My head's not in the game, I could have put him in danger. What if I missed something? What if he's worse because I couldn't do my job?"

"You did nothing wrong" Elle said. "I was there, I watched you work. You did everything I would have done. Sometimes patients just don't react to treatment the way they should." Elle shifted in her seat and turned to Alicia. Alicia was forced to look her in the face for the first time. "You're a good doctor, Alicia. Don't doubt yourself."

Alicia nodded slowly. She was having a hard time believing it. She didn't feel like herself at all. Perhaps Bea's declaration had affected her more than she initially thought.

Elle continued "But you can't just walk away from a patient. No matter what you've got going on. When you're here in the ED the patients come first. I know you know that."

"I knew you were there. I knew you'd take care of him." Alicia sighed. "But no excuses, I shouldn't have walked out. I'm sorry."


"Alicia? Are you ok?"

Alicia had been standing and staring a baby Joseph long enough for Robyn to put her hand on her shoulder in concern. Alicia blinked at the nurse's kindly expression and a tear fell down her cheek.

"I'm sorry. I'm being silly. It's nothing."

"He's alright" Robyn reassured her. "Dr Gardener got him stabilised." Robyn didn't speak again for a while. She seemed to be weighing up in her mind whether to let Alicia's explanation go or push on. "I know what you've been going through" she eventually said. "About Eddie."

Alicia looked down at the floor. Of course she did. Of course the whole department knew about that night, or thought they did. She felt a rush of affection for her colleagues for not making a big deal about it until now. Of course, that wasn't the whole story, but she would let Robyn think it was. The other thing she needed to get her own head around before she could even think about talking to anyone about it. Anyone but Bea at least.

"It's just a lot" Alicia said in a small voice. She wiped her cheek with the palm of her hand.

"We're all here for you" Robyn offered. "If you need an ear. Or a drinking buddy."

Alicia laughed. "Thanks Robyn. But I'll be fine."

The resus doors opened and there was a flurry of activity as the NICU team came to take the baby up to intensive care. The consultant read Joseph's chart and looked up at Alicia. "Your patient?"

"Yes" Alicia said, though she felt she was lying.

"He's in safe hands" he said. "I understand his mother's here with him. You can bring her up whenever you like."

Alicia looked helplessly at Robyn. She couldn't face Helena, she would feel like a fraud. She hadn't done anything to help her boy, she had let her own problems overwhelm her in the moment and had run out of the room when he needed her.

"I'll find her and bring her up soon" Robyn said, understanding Alicia's look. With that, the NICU team and the baby were gone and Alicia and Robyn stood alone.


Alicia stood in the ambulance bay at the end of her shift and held her phone to her ear and listened to the ringing. Bea's recorded voice came on the line to tell her to leave a message and Alicia felt desperate and angry. Angry at herself for letting the situation get to her to the extent that she put a patient in jeopardy. And yeah, she was angry at Bea. Not for what she said or how she felt, how could Alicia be angry about that? But she was angry for how Bea was, or wasn't, dealing with the fallout. She had left Alicia to try and make sense of what she'd said alone. Ordinarily Alicia might have been able to handle that, but on top of everything else it was too much.

"Bea, will you please just talk to me" Alicia said after the beep. Her voice was strained with the emotion of the day but she was trying hard not to shout. "I've been letting you have space but enough is enough. You don't get to lay something like that on me and walk away. It isn't fair. I've had a difficult day and I need you. Just call me."

Alicia hung up. She felt a bit guilty for making it all about her. Bea was no doubt having a hard time too but how was Alicia meant to know that for sure if Bea wouldn't talk to her? She was staring at her phone debating whether or not to call back and leave another message apologising for her angry tone when Ethan came up behind her caring a large reusable shopping bag full of groceries.

"Are you ready I go?" He asked. "Unless you want to postpone. I'd totally understand after today."

Alicia shook her head and shoved her phone into her pocket. "No, let's go. I don't really want to be on my own right now."

Ethan looked at Alicia curiously. He was vaguely aware that she'd had an issue in resus earlier but he didn't know the details. He wanted to know, he wanted to help, but he was learning that nothing would be achieved by him pushing Alicia for details. She would tell him in her own time if she wanted to. He had to trust that if he wanted to build a friendship with her again.

"Ok then" Ethan smiled. "Let's go."

Alicia followed Ethan across the car park to their respective cars. She was glad of the drive home and a chance to be alone just for a while. She didn't want to go home to an empty house, she was glad to spend the evening with Ethan, but she needed just a moment of solitude to catch her breath.

Alicia got home a little before Ethan, even though she stopped at the off licence for some wine. Ethan was a careful driver, too careful sometimes and Alicia had teased him about it repeatedly in the past. But she was glad of it now.

"Bea?" she called as she let herself through the door but she didn't really expect and answer. Even so, when none came she was disappointed. Alicia popped the wine she'd bought in the fridge and looked around her kitchen for signs that Bea had been home. Her friendship with Ethan had already been derailed by an errant post-it left on her fridge disclosing information that she would rather conceal, she didn't want the same thing to happen again. But there was no note, no clue about how Bea was feeling. But Bea's favourite mug was on the draining board along with a teaspoon which showed Bea had been here long enough to have a cuppa. Alicia picked up the mug and saw that it was still wet. So Bea can't have been gone long when she got home.

Ethan pushed open the front door that Alicia had left on the latch for him and fixed a grin on her face as he struggled through to the kitchen with the grocery bags. Alicia walked down the hall to meet him. "Can I help?" she asked.

Ethan dumped the shopping bags on the kitchen worktop and shook his head. "No. I'm cooking you a meal. Just relax. You can open the wine though."

Alicia felt like she didn't deserve someone being so nice to her. She'd spent so many weeks avoiding help from anyone that it was somehow wired into her brain. But she didn't need to think that way any more, she would try her best to let Ethan be there for her like he wanted. She wanted it too of course, but she could see from the way Ethan eagerly unpacked his lasagne ingredients and searched her kitchen cabinets for the things he needed that making this meal was his way of trying to make up for all the times he hadn't be there for her. Alicia decided to leave him to it. Only for a bit.

"I'm going to go freshen up and change" Alicia said. "I hope you don't mind. I'll open the wine when I get back."

When Alicia opened her bedroom door the first thing she saw was a sheet of paper lying on top of her duvet with Bea's messy handwriting on it. Her heart sank, afraid of what it might say. She picked up the note and sat down heavily on her bed.

Alicia, I'm sorry for running out and I'm sorry for ignoring your messages. I never should have said what I said and I hope you'll forgive me. I don't want things to be weird between us. I'm going to stay with my Dad for a while. But I will be back, if you'll have me. I promised to be there for you and I keep my promises, I just need some time. I've always been better at fixing other people's problems than my own. I don't want anything to change between us but I realise that will be impossible. I care about you a lot and more than anything I want you to be ok. Bea.


Alicia folded the piece of paper carefully and sat with it in her lap for a minute. Oh, Bea.

Alicia was distracted through dinner but tried her hardest to push Bea out of her mind and be here in the moment with Ethan.

"That was delicious" Alicia said with a smile, dabbing her mouth with one of the paper napkins she'd found in a box of stuff left over from Christmas. "Thank you Ethan."

"You're very welcome" he said shyly. "I'm glad I could do something for you. I know you don't need rescuing or anything like that, but I want you to know you can lean on me if you need to. There's no shame in that."

Alicia reached out and squeezed his hand. "I don't deserve you."

"I'm the one who doesn't deserve you."

Something passed between them then, a spark of something old, remnants of feelings from a lifetime ago. Alicia snatched her hand away and pushed her chair away from the table. "I'm sorry."

"No need to apologise" Ethan said kindly. "I know where I stand. You said you weren't ready to start something and I respect that." Alicia turned away, hiding her face. Ethan continued. "Alicia, has something else happened? Today with that patient… You're usually so sure of yourself in resus, it wasn't like you. Elle was worried and I am too. If you're hiding something and its affecting your work you should tell someone. It doesn't need to be me."

"Ethan… It's not my secret to tell. Please don't ask me again."

There was silence then, but while it wasn't exactly comfortable, there was at least an understanding to let this topic lie.

"Would you like more wine?" Ethan asked just for something to say.

Alicia thought it would be the easiest thing in the world to sink a few more glasses and forget everything but she thought better of it. She didn't trust herself not to do something she'd regret if she lost her inhibitions.

"No thank you" was her reply. "I think it's best I don't. But you go ahead. Honestly."

Ethan put the bottle back on the table. "No, I have to drive home, one glass is enough."

Alicia smiled. "I'll put the cork back in" she said. "I'll save it. For next time."

Ethan was so relieved that he hadn't blown it by bringing up work when they were supposed to be relaxing that he left out a small sigh. "Well" he said, trying to cover it up with humour, "I make a mean mushroom risotto too."