"Ugh, what do you flush down your drains?" demanded Harley, as she climbed out of the drainpipe near Wayne Manor, dusting herself off. "I'm gonna have to wash my clothes about twenty times when I get home, and I bet the smell still won't come out! And Mr. J's gonna be pissed you got crap on his suit!"
"Then maybe he should have come with us at Wayne Tower," snapped Bruce. "Rather than being difficult and making us track him through the sewers!"
"Well, it'll amuse him when I tell him, so that'll be worth it, I guess," sighed Harley, glancing up at the house. "So how do we get in?"
"At this point, I'm fine with just breaking one of my own windows and climbing in," sighed Bruce. "It'll trigger an alarm, but we should have enough time before the police come to subdue Joker. And the cost of a new window is worth ending this ordeal quicker."
"You're the boss," said Harley, shrugging, as they headed around the back of the manor. She raised her hammer to smash in one of the windows, and then did a double take at the pool.
"Why is there a car in your pool?" she asked.
"Why is there a what?" demanded Bruce, glancing into the water. He growled. "That was a brand new sportscar from Italy, and I'm gonna take the cost of it outta his hide!"
"You can try, Brucie," laughed Harley. "But I'd leave Mr. J to me. He's only gonna kick your ass."
She smashed her hammer through the window and cleared away the broken glass. They both climbed in to the noise of an alarm, but then noticed a different noise coming from the library.
Bruce's heart leapt into his throat as they entered the room and saw the scene before them – Alfred and Dick trapped under a bookcase and the Joker in his body hacking his way through the grandfather clock that led to the Batcave.
"Joker, stop it right now!" he roared.
"Yeah, who's gonna make me, pretty boy?" demanded Joker, rounding on Bruce. "You?"
"No," snapped Harley. "Me!"
Joker laughed. "Yeah, that's rich, kid! I'd like to see you try stopping me! C'mon, gimme your best shot!"
"You really don't want me to do that, Mr. J," murmured Harley.
"Yeah, I do!" retorted Joker. "I ain't scared! C'mon, hit me with it!" he said, holding open his arms.
Harley shrugged. "All right, you asked for it. But this ain't gonna be pleasant for either of us, Mr J," she sighed, raising her hammer again.
She dropped her hammer suddenly, grabbing Bruce in Joker's body, seizing his face, and kissing him passionately. Bruce was too stunned and horrified to respond for a moment, but then he glanced at his own body, and saw the sudden, angry look of jealousy flashing into his eyes. And then he realized Harley's plan, and decided to play along, however much he didn't want to. He slid his hands onto Harley's body, feeling her as he returned the kiss.
"Mmm, Bruce, you're such a good kisser," purred Harley. "Much better than puddin' ever was. I'm glad his exceptional body finally belongs to a man who appreciates me, and shows it. Why don't we leave Mr. J here with his silly game and head back to the lair? I can show you some toys…"
"Hey, get my filthy hands offa her, Brucie!" snapped Joker, the fury in his eyes growing as he raised the sword. "She ain't your property!"
"Actually, I am," murmured Harley, smiling at him. "I belong to Mr. J. And he sure looks like Mr. J to me, just with, y'know, a personality improvement."
"Improvement?!" roared Joker. "That idiotic playboy who's never had to work a day in his life?! You call that an improvement on my genius?!"
"Well, he's a lot kinder to me," said Harley, shrugging. "Sweet, affectionate – I can see why all the women like him."
"You don't like sweetness and affection!" roared Joker. "And you don't deserve them!"
"Apparently I do," replied Harley. "Apparently the universe decided that I deserved a nice, loving, affectionate guy in my puddin's body, and provided that for me. You're right, Mr. J, it is kinda a good gag, huh? After all these years of sweet, selfless loyalty, I finally get a guy who appreciates me, in the body of the guy I've always wanted."
"That's not a gag!" shouted Joker. "It's not funny! And stop touching him…me…whatever! It just looks wrong!"
"How can it look wrong?" asked Harley, innocently. "The Joker made Harley Quinn in his image. We're meant to be, made for each other, and we're finally being a loving, affectionate couple, just like we always should have been. I think it looks perfect," she sighed, kissing Bruce again. "It certainly feels perfect."
"I said stop touching her!" shouted Joker at Bruce. "Or this sword goes in your head!"
"You ain't gonna harm your own body!" snapped Harley. "Don't think for one second that I believe you'll do that! You've always loved yourself much more than you ever loved me, and you ain't gonna harm yourself just because you're jealous of me finally getting the affection I deserve from someone!"
Joker was livid. "You said you hated him," he hissed. "You said he was worse than the Bat…"
"Well, we've really grown on each other during the journey here," said Harley, shrugging. "And frankly, I was a little shocked about suddenly having a new man in your body, but now I see it as a good thing, especially in light of what happened this morning."
"What happened this morning?" growled Joker.
She shrugged again. "Well, I thought he was my boyfriend, so I woke him up naked and wanting sex, y'know, since you've been ignoring me for weeks. But Brucie was very happy to oblige…"
Joker roared, launching himself at Bruce, who jumped out of the way, sending Joker flying headlong into the wall. While he was temporarily winded, Harley picked up her hammer and struck him a hard blow across the back of the skull which sent him to the ground, unconscious.
"Well done, Harley," sighed Bruce in relief. "You're a lot smarter than I give you credit for."
"You and everybody else," retorted Harley, who was back in her usual, irritated mood at Bruce. "Mr. J thinks I'm so dumb that I actually want a nice guy in his body. He just doesn't understand that I love him for more than his physical charms," she sighed, kneeling down beside him and stroking his hair tenderly as she fitted handcuffs around his wrists.
"Thank goodness," said Bruce, as he headed over to lift the bookcase off Alfred and Dick.
"Bruce?" said Dick, looking up at the Joker's face in apprehension. "What the hell is going on?"
"Joker and me have had our bodies switched," said Bruce.
"How?" asked Dick.
"It's complicated," retorted Bruce.
"We suspected something of the kind, sir – you were most definitely not yourself," said Alfred, as Bruce helped him to his feet.
"What was Joker doing to the clock?" asked Bruce, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.
"He wanted to see the secret passage to the conservatory, sir," replied Alfred, calmly. "We did try to warn him about the rats, but he wouldn't listen."
Bruce suppressed a sigh of relief – the Joker hadn't found out about Batman. It had been a close run thing, but his secret was still safe.
"We should go," he said, turning to Harley. "Before the police arrive. I don't want to finish today by getting arrested."
"What should we tell the police, sir?" asked Alfred.
"Say it was an accident," said Bruce. "You knocked something through the window by mistake…and keep the door to this room shut. It would be hard to explain why anyone would try to hack a clock to pieces."
He turned back to Harley. "I'll carry me," he said, hoisting his own body over his shoulders.
"Fine by me," said Harley. "You could stand to lose a little weight you know, Brucie, once you're back in your own body. Just a friendly suggestion."
Bruce sighed as he followed her out of the room. At least their irritation with each other was mutual. Joker had nothing to worry about.
