The Banana Slug: Valentine's Day, it is a harmonious holiday for all…

except if you are completely alone! I hate Valentine's Day! It's a terrible holiday! It makes me so angry when those beautiful people kiss with their disgusting and attractive bodies hitting each other.

Anywho, this chapter will be in two-parts, mainly because it is the holidays, so here is TWO TONS OF OOC!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything, this is entirely fan-based and I do not own material or lyrics.

Also, for those that may get confused, I suggest you look up "What's Up" by "4 Non Blondes" and take a good listen.


You Got BatRolled

By The Banana Slug

Chapter 9: Batman's Valentine Smackdown! Part 1


Batman's Bat-Hearts

In the Batcave, Batman and Robin were at the Arts and Crafts making black paper-mache hearts with white bat-symbols, all with bat-scissors and bat-glue. Batman sported a proud smirk as he did this, that's the only positive emotional facial sign he could do after his parent's death.

However, Robin had a bored frown and an annoyed glare as he did this with his mentor/father/kidnapper. Batman noticed this and glared at Robin, giving him a smack in the face.

"What's your problem, pigeon?" interrogated Batman.

"I hate Valentine's Day, Batman!" confessed Robin angrily.

"Whaaaaaaa?" replied Batman, "What's your deal, Robin?"

"Well, it seems everyone has someone on Valentine's Day and I don't!" grunted Robin, "I feel no passion on this day at all, not like you and everyone else!"

"Really? That's not what the Bat-Computer says," revealed Batman casually.

"WHA!" yelped Robin, "How did you…"

"You need to clear your history every time," consoled Batman with his hand on his shoulder, "We don't want Riddler or Hush to have any leverage."

"Well, okay, other than that, I feel no passion," grieved Robin, "You got Catwoman, Joker's got Harley Quinn, Nightwing's got Oracle, and I got jack!""Hey, why not be like Alfred, Robin, and stop bitching this to me!" argued Batman, with Alfred delivering clean outfits to the Batcave, "You don't see Alfred chasing girl's behinds all the time!""Not by choice sir, I lost my balls in the war, sir," added Alfred casually.

They all looked at him with surprise. "Really?" squeaked Robin."Oh yes, Normandy it was," sighed Alfred, "Before I lost them, I was quite the manwhore…I would be lying if I said I did not miss it."

They stared at him as he stood there smiling, nodding and walking away to get more laundry. "So, anyway," said Batman, breaking the ice, "Is that all you are worried about? Because me and Nightwing have lives?"

"Pretty much so!" argued Robin, "How do you think I feel when you and Catwoman are up all night, having sex while I have to listen to the whole thing from my room! It's horrible!"

"That's impossible!" growled Batman,, working on his bat-hearts again, "We sleep in the Batcave!"

"You two are THAT loud!" groaned Robin, swaying his arms around, "And no, I don't just get that here! Dick and Barbara go all night as well, and I thought she was paralyzed by the waist down!"

"By the legs, Tim, by the legs," corrected Batman, "Besides, how do you know it's Dick, could be Clayface.""Batman, don't start," grunted Robin, then continuing annoyingly with, "And remember the time I was kidnapped by Harley and Joker? Damn, do those two know how to work it!""How do you know?" questioned Batman, finishing another bat-heart.

"They made me watch," said a traumatized Robin.

"Sorry I asked," sighed an uncaring Batman, working on another, "But at least it was a good show, eh?"

"Not really," continued Robin with a frown, "It got worse when they brought in the hyenas…""Stop right there, I don't want nightmares!" warned Batman, then shuddering at the thought.

"How do you think I feel? I saw the whole thing!" argued Robin, then sighing and continuing work on the bat-hearts, then asking, "By the way, what's with the bat-hearts?"

"They are for all of our friends, family, lovers, and enemies," answered Batman, then sighing out, "…and I have a lot of lovers and enemies, and too little friends and family."

Robin watched him as he silently cut the hearts, "It's hard…down in Hades…""Metaphorical, yet true," sighed Batman, slowly cutting the hearts. Robin smiled and gave Batman a small hug, "Thank you, Robin, I needed that."

As the two shared a heartwarming moment, Alfred walked back down with another load and said, "On the other hand, I had a terrible case of herpes, so it may have been for the best…"

He returned up from the Batcave as Batman and Robin's tender moment was ruined by Alfred's addition.

"Anyway, what's wrong with Batgirl?" asked Batman, returning to cutting his bat-hearts.

"Cassandra?" replied Robin, who then sighed and said, "I'm…well…it's kinda hard to ask someone out if your date doesn't speak."

"What's that got to do with anything?" interrogated Batman, "She can nod, she can write!"

"Yeah, but who brings a pad and pen to the movies or a dinner date?" defended Robin.

"You know sign language, I thought you that!" argued Batman, pointing his bat-scissors at Robin, "Or were you listening to that Justin Beaver and Hanna Montana again?"

"No! Of course not!" defended Robin angrily, "I'm with you on them! It's just…well…"

"Spit it out, boy!" roared Batman.

"I'M SHY!" screamed Robin as he slammed the table with his fists, then looking at his palm and saw that one of the bat-hearts stuck to him with the bat-glue.

"…So…you're miserable because you are a scaredy-pants!" laughed Batman.

"Don't laugh!" yelled Robin, obviously seeing the past tense I put there.

"Okay, okay, but come on, she's not gonna say no!" reminded Batman.

"Really?" shouted Robin with glee.

"Of course…she can't speak!" joked Batman, then laughing out loud, only to stop after seeing Robin look at him with sadness.

Batman frowned and sighed, "Let's go deliver our hearts, that might make you happy." He patted his back and smiled, Robin smiled back at him and nodded. The two got up and walked up the stairs, walking past Alfred, who said out loud, "And mind you, herpes can hurt after an orgy with five obese women and a tired Winston Churchill."

"Don't you mean six obese women?" joked Robin.

"Oh ho ho ho! Winston would have loved that joke!" laughed Alfred, walking down with another load with a smile.


A Valentine Message from our friends from You Got Batrolled!

"Remember, even if you are alone on Valentine's Day, you will always be lonely. Especially if you are divorced, have the hots for a lesbian, and make all your love-life decisions by coin-toss." -Two-Face

"I do not understand love…yet. I will so look forward to dissecting your brain to find out." -Hugo Strange

"Men, save your loins equally smart as yourself, or you'd be with a vapid moron with no understanding of anything…oh sure, things will get a little boring since women find you an ass, and you have to wank to internet porn…at least you are sticking to your beliefs!" -The Riddler

"I don't like to give my heart to others…I'd really rather take your bleeding heart from your ribcage…that is a perfect Valentines Day, especially when I give it back to you down your mouth!" -The Scarecrow

"There ain't no better man than a commited psycho, and if they smack you in the mouth, jab a knife in your sternum, or kick you in the head, it only means they are impatient yet truly love you." -Harley Quinn

"I can be Antonio Banderas, Orlando Bloom, or even Johnny Depp, and we won't have any more problems." -Clayface

"Keep on trying following him, spying on him, and confronting him, sooner or later, he'll relent…or call the cops…" -Catwoman

"Love is like a well-cooked steak, it's delicious until it ends, but at least there is always more steak!" -Killer Croc

"…Anyway, Winston turned to me and said, Smell my finger, and I did, and I did not find that funny at all…" -Alfred Pennyworth

"Love is the most pathetic and funniest thing in the world, puts a smile on my face every time I fake it! NYA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!" -The Joker

"You can find love…if you got the money. I do, and I am living the good life, mainly because most people like you have no money and are watching a stupid fanfic!" -The Penguin

"Solomon Grundy…want take…pants off…when around you…" -Solomon Grundy

"As an experienced sufferer of break-ups, don't get attached, or the next thing you notice, your lover from an international terrorist organization gives you our demonic love child to take care of!" -Batman

"…Love is ok." -Hush

"My Mommy Made of Nails told me love is when two souls congregate together, with the bile and saliva dripping off their entrails and onto the sewers as they mate, creating impurity and drugs, lots of drugs!" -Professor Pyg

"Men are overrated, plants are tender lovers, except for oaks, they are very selfish in bed." -Poison Ivy

"Bitch, haven't you heard dicks don't grow on trees?" -Black Mask

"Love is cold, and my heart bleeds every day for…my love…Oh Nora…WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO! AAAAAAGH HUH HUH HUH! WHY! WHY!" -Mr. Freeze

"Valentine's Day is for the weak!" -The Banana Slug


Gotham City Blues

In the dark abandoned carnival, Joker stood out his base in his purple nightgown and onto the snow-covered porch, with a cup of Joe in his hand and a satisfied smile, whiping the sweat from his brow. He sighed as he grabbed a bat-heart falling like a leaf to the Joker's hand. He looked at it and read the back of it.

"Happy Valentines Day…I'll still beat the crap out of you tomorrow though. Batman and Robin."

"Aaaaaah, I love you to Batman," sighed the Joker.

"Hey, Mistah J!" shouted out a happy Harley Quinn from the bedroom, "Ready for round two?"

"Can I get some peace and quiet woman!" roared the Joker in fury, "You are smothering me!"

Meanwhile, the Batwing was flying all over Gotham as Robin chucked the bat-hearts out the window to their respective recipients. Robin was still slightly slumped, flicking the bat-hearts out the window with his hand on his cheek.

Batman looked over and sighed, "Look, you live in the same damn mansion, I don't see why you can't just ask her out if you are so into her!"

"She lives in the mansion with us?" realized Robin out loud and in surprise, "I always thought she liked to stay over!"

"No, she's that good at being silent," answered Batman, "She sleeps in the room next to yours, I'm surprised you didn't notice…maybe I should reconsider this decision for a Robin…"

"Wait, she sleeps in the room next to mine?" asked a freaked-out Robin.

"Yeah, and sometimes she watches you sleep," hissed Batman, scaring Robin.

"No! Stop it!" whined Robin.

"She wants to do things to you, naughty things!" hissed Batman, leaning to Robin.

"No! No! No! Stop it, you're scaring me!" cried Robin, holding his ears.

"Oh, grow up!" grunted Batman with annoyance as he returned to riding the Batwing, "She's not gonna bite!"

"It's just…she doesn't talk, and she just stares at people," sighed Robin.

"No duh, she can't talk!" growled Batman, "Am I…am I getting through to you at all?"

"Yeah, it's just that it's kinda creepy, right?" asked Robin.

"No, not to me," said Batman, "You're just paranoid."

Robin sighed and continued to throw the bat-hearts out the window, one of them landing on the top hat of the Penguin. Who read the note inside, and began to cry out loud, knowing someone out there cares about this sad little man.

"Listen, if you really want help, talk to Nightwing, he's better at the disability girlfriend shtick than me," consoled Batman, "I am better with the sex-kitten girlfriend and crazy terrorist girlfriend shtick."

Robin sighed and said, "Thanks Batman, some say you are an uncaring jerk, but you really do try to help…I should probably do that…thanks."

Batman just stared at him, then roared and slammed his fist on the steering wheel, "Who says I'm a jerk!"

Robin looked at him with fear and said, "Calendar Man…"

Batman calmed down quickly and pondered one thing, "Doesn't Calendar Man attack on holidays?"


Yes, Calendar Man DOES attack on Holidays

Julian Day, the Calendar Man, was climbing up a stairway in an apartment building, holding two different briefcases and wearing a fedora and trench coat.

He got to the roof and stood out in the snow, looking down at the people walking through the city.

He opened the first briefcase, revealing a wireless stereo with a CD player, then smiling a chubby smile. He rested it on the ledge and turned it on, he waited until the song started to play, it was "What's Up" by "4 Non Blondes".

He waited a while as he soaked up the tune, then kneeling down and opening the other briefcase, revealing a crossbow made of oak, and an assortment of arrows with ruby tips shaped like hearts in a quiver.

He grabbed and threw away his fedora, then grabbing his trench coat and removing it from his body. What he wore underneath was disturbing yet fitting. He was dressed as Cupid, wearing adult diapers and a pair of fake wings on his back.

He grabbed the crossbow and strapped the quiver to his back, walking to the edge of the building, looking down at the people.

He aimed the crossbow at the people, and before he fired his first shot at a couple kissing, the arrow piercing the man's back and through the woman, killing them both, he uttered, "I love you."

The people screamed as they ran around in fear, he continued to shoot at the crowd, saying with every shot, "I love you."

A teenage girl talking to her boyfriend, unaware of the situation, was stabbed through the stomach by an arrow. She looks down at the wound, and she takes a deep breath and she screams from the top of her lungs, "What's going on?"

And Calendar Man says, "Hey-ya-yeah, hey-ya-yeah, I said hey, what's going on?"

The police get the call, hearing about a Valentine's Day bloodbath. Gordon and his men moved out to Calendar Man's location, ready to stop the insane madman.

The people die, about ten dead and twenty-nine injured, Calendar Man refueling his arrows by the minute.

And they try, oh my god do they try, they try to survive this assault of arrows, killing people and severely injuring them.

A old lady, getting flowers to her Alzheimer-stricken husband, sees the carnage as she steps outside and she takes a deep breath, then she screams from the top of her lungs, "What's going on?"

And Calendar Man says, "Hey-ya-yeah, hey-ya-yeah, I said hey, what's going on?"

The GCPD Swat and Gordon enter the area, herding people out as Calendar Man shoots at them too. Thankfully, they wear Kevlar and it only causes severe injury to the ones who were shot.

"Valentine's Day…for all…" moaned Calendar Man with joy, then commenting on the song, saying, "I sure do love this song…"

He puts down the crossbow and rests his hands on the railing, looking at the crying and bleeding masses. He looks at lover's clutching their lovers in their arms, holding them so close to their chests. In a way, he brought them together closer than before, a fact Calendar Man was proud about.

"I love…you all," he moaned as the police kicked the door down. They rushed to him and slammed him to the floor, stomping on him rapidly and hardly without stop.

Calendar Man didn't care, he brought everyone together, and also, he trolled Gotham so hard that it made me scream, "What's going on?"

Sorry, I know it's getting old, so sue me!


The Banana Slug: Funny thing, this chapter was going to be about, like, twenty pages long.

However, I am too nice to let your eyes bleed, so I cut it in half, LIKE A SAMURAI!