Underfist and the aSTRoVaMPiReS glared at each other angrily as they engaged in a staredown. They stood facing each other, both ready to fight but neither willing to start the attack.

At least, not until Baron Von Goulash rushed directly at the aSTRoVaMPiReS, screaming angrily. He bore down on them at full speed. None of the aSTRoVaMPiReS reacted until the baron was almost upon them. At that point, the aSTRoVaMPiRe right in front of him held up a wooden stake.

Baron Von Goulash couldn't stop his momentum and ran into the stake heartfirst. His face twisted and contorted as he gasped for air until he fell to the ground and laid there, open-eyed and completely still.

Suddenly, music began playing from nowhere.

"Is that Ode to Joy?" Skarr asked.

"More importantly, where's it coming from, yo?" Irwin asked.

"Um, guys?" Jeff said. "This isn't good."

Underfist snapped back to attention. The aSTRoVaMPiReS were grinning widely and starting to close in.

"Yes!" Fred said.

"It looks like this is it," Hoss said. "Time to take down these astros!"

Hoss leapt into action. About a second later, everyone else followed suit. Skarr used his military training in hand-to-hand combat to fend off the aSTRoVaMPiReS whenever they got close to him, but they kept after him even though he constantly knocked them away. Hoss was also fighting, using his chainsaw as a sword to cut at his opponents, but wasn't having much success either, since every aSTRoVaMPiRe he cut down merely rose up again a few seconds later. Irwin was having problems as well; he had tried to take to the air, because this was his best position for attacking, but his advantage was negated by the fact that he was facing creatures that could fly just as well as he could–in many instances, better than he could. Fred Fredburger wasn't hypnotizing his audience this time; instead, he was being beaten up and pushed backwards. Jeff tried to defend his friend with webbing, and was able to wrap up some of the aSTRoVaMPiReS and take them out of commission, but even he couldn't produce enough webs to wrap up all of the aSTRoVaMPiReS.

Though they fought valiantly, Underfist slowly found themselves losing ground. Although Hoss and Skarr were able to create an arms-length perimeter all around them, and although Jeff was slowing the assault by taking some aSTRoVaMPiReS out for the rest of the battle, Fred was unable to put up much resistance and Irwin found himself outclassed in the air. When a well aimed kick sent Irwin hurtling towards Fred, it was all but over, as the impact sent the two sprawling into the movie screen. By the time Irwin and Fred got to their feet again, their comrades had been pushed back to the screen as well.

"It looks like this is the end," Skarr said solemnly while still fighting. "It has been...an...whatever, to serve with you."

"I feel the same way, you one-eyed weirdo," Hoss said grimly. "I feel the same way."

"I DON'T WANNA DIE, YO!" Irwin screamed frantically. He began blubbering. "I never got Mandy to fall in love with me, I never got to wedgie Sperg for being such a big dumb jerk, I never got to go to Sassy Cat Land without something terrible happening, I never got my grandfather to admit he loves me! Either of them!"

"It's okay, guys," Jeff said. "We'll pull through, I just know it!"

"We will?" Fred asked thoughtlessly.

"We won't," Skarr said flatly. Irwin began to wail again, and Fred joined him.

"Aw, why'd you have to say that?" Jeff asked.

"Because it's the truth!" Skarr said, punctuating his statement with a particularly hard karate chop to the face of an aSTRoVaMPiRe. "We're all going to die, nobody's going to save us, it's over, we lost!"

Jeff's mandibles trembled. He stopped fighting and pulled Fred into a hug. Fred stopped crying.

"I love you, man!" Jeff wailed. "You were my best friend."

"I want to eat some frozen yogurt," Fred said.

"Me too, buddy," Jeff said tearfully. "Me too."

"Last time, I went to space, there were these guys, and we had, frozen yogurt," Fred said. "Yes!"

"You know, there's one thing I don't get," Irwin sniveled.

"Why Captain Hairyback is the only one helping me fight?" Skarr groused.

"No, like, why didn't the stakes work?" Irwin asked. "Stakes always work on Earth vampires, yo."

Jeff's head shot up, a look of shock on his face.

"Hey," Jeff said. "Maybe they meant steaks. You know, the meaty kind."

"That's absurd!" Skarr said. "Being defeated by cow meat? That's completely idiotic! And offensive to Hindus! And besides, where would we even get enough steaks to defeat this many aSTRoVaMPiReS?"

Hoss grinned and pressed a button on his mechanical wrist.

"Are you crazy," Skarr said flatly.

"Oh, yeah," Hoss said.

"What even is that?" Skarr asked as Hoss calibrated his new weapon. The aSTRoVaMPiReS had stopped attacking and were now just watching in confusion.

"A steak shooter," Hoss said. "It's like a salad shooter, but more...manly."

"Oh come on, this is ridiculous!" Skarr complained.

"It's our only hope, yo!" Irwin said.

"We're stranded on an alien planet–"

"Kuiper object," Jeff corrected.

"Whatever!" Skarr said. "We're in outer space, fighting aSTRoVaMPiReS, losing, and you think meat products will change the outcome?"

Hoss fired his steak shooter. A steak shot out and hit an aSTRoVaMPiRe in the face, and it went down shrieking. A few seconds later, the aSTRoVaMPiRe turned into ashes.

"Oh, yeah," Hoss said sinisterly. "It's time to meat out some justice."

Hoss began firing steaks into the crowd. It would be impossible to put a number on the amount of meat that flew out of Hoss's steak shooter, but it was fairly certain that Hoss was firing nine hundred steaks a minute.

"C'mon, boys!" Hoss yelled. "I'm gonna make you into a rare species!"

Hoss continued to blast, carving swaths through the aSTRoVaMPiReS. The alien species quickly started running away from Hoss's massive mounds of meat.

"Hey, get back here!" Hoss yelled. "I didn't sign up to fight cowards! I won't consider this a job well done until you're all dead meat!"

Hoss kept firing, killing aSTRoVaMPiReS by the hundreds. The rest of Underfist looked at each other.

"So what do we do now?" Jeff asked.

"I say we go home, yo," Irwin said. "I've had enough fighting for one day."

"This adventure has been completely and utterly idiotic," Skarr said. "I just want to go home and fall asleep."

They continued to listen to the sounds of screaming, bad meat puns, and Hoss's joy at massacring monsters.

"How long is this idiot going to keep this up?" Skarr asked.

"Well, it's not that large a planet," Irwin said. "He's bound to run out of steaks or targets at some point, yo."