9

In An Azure Sky

The next two days passed in agonizing slowness. Yuffie came during the day as often as she could, but she couldn't stay long. When she left me alone I was so bored that the whole throwing myself out the window idea actually sounded tempting. Sometimes I slept in the daytime, because I spent the nights lying still and frightened in my bed with two big guards standing nearby. Their heavy breathing told me that they were relaxed and near sleep, but I was still wary of them.

On the second night, I was curled up in a ball listening to that same dull, deep breathing, wondering if Sora was alright and if Chancellor Tsukada would keep his word. Suddenly my bed frame creaked, and I bolted upright, eyes wide with terror.

But it was just one of the guards, leaning up against the foot of my bed in exhaustion. My heart was still pounding, however, and I knew that my frazzled nerves wouldn't be able to stand much more of this. I got out of bed and went into my bathroom to be alone.

I shut the door behind me, turned on the light, and sat down on the cold, hard tile. What was I going to do? I couldn't spend every night like this for the rest of my life.

How could my own uncle be doing this to me? I'd never thought of Chancellor Tsukada as a cruel man until now. Sure, he was crazy about rules and chastised me when my manners weren't proper, but he'd never been horrible to me before.

Now that I knew the truth, it wounded me. Selfish. Spiteful. Dishonest. Uncaring. And I had thought him to be my guardian, my mentor, my friend.

I fell asleep feeling more sad and alone than ever. When I awoke, I was leaning against the wall with my knees against my chest. My head throbbed as I got to my feet.

Then I heard a voice from my bedroom. Yuffie. She was probably asking the guards where I was.

The door opened, and she came in and closed it softly behind her. "I don't approve of this at all," she said quietly. "I know I wouldn't be able to sleep with two strange men standing watch over my bed. How are you supposed to get any rest?"

"I could sleep all day, I guess," I sighed. "But then there's nothing for me to do at night but lay there and think."

"The guard said you'd been in here half the night," she said.

"Yeah, I slept on the floor," I said, shrugging.

She shook her head back and forth, but when she looked at me again, her eyes were bright and filled with excitement. As I gaped at her, a smile spread across her face.

"Yuffie?" I said quickly, "What is it?"

"Shhh," she said, but her smile only got wider. "I have something for you. One of the prison guards gave it to Leon, and he gave it to me."

"What is it?" I wondered, eyes widening.

"Here." She reached in her pocket and pulled out a piece of paper that was folded into fourths. It was thick, heavy stuff. She handed it to me, and I ran my fingers over its rough surface.

I looked up at her curiously. "Is it from Sora?" I asked quietly.

She nodded. "I haven't read it or anything, that's just what Leon told me." She stood up and went to the door again. "I've got to go down to the kitchens for a minute, but I'll be right back."

I nodded as she closed the door softly behind her, then unfolded the paper with trembling hands. I felt a quick flash of disappointment, however, when I saw that Sora's hasty, untidy scrawl only took up a quarter of one line. But the feeling didn't last long, because while his message was brief, there was infinite meaning in those four spiky, painfully written words.

I read them twice. Three times. A fourth time. It felt like a cold, smooth stone had slid down my throat and into my stomach, where it came to rest and seethed its icy numbness into my entire body.

Kairi. Is it true?

There were several finger-sized dents in the paper, and the message it contained was written so shakily that it was rather difficult to read. It was easy to see what these words had cost him, few and simple though they were. It was as though he had bled them onto the page.

I sat there for a long time, staring at them, unable to breathe or even bat an eyelash. I was completely numb. I suppose I should have felt something. Shame. Sorrow. Regret. Anything. But I was completely numb.

"Sora," I murmured, touching the crumpled paper. How had he found out? I couldn't imagine Leon or Yuffie saying anything to him. But who else knew?

The guards! My hand flew to my throat. They must have been in the square when Setzer had made his little announcement. Would they have told Sora?

No.

But then who else was there? I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter; that he would have found somehow, no matter how many people held their tongues for my sake. That I would have told him, eventually. But I'd never been good at lying to anyone, least of all myself.

I clutched at my stomach, trying to dislodge the icy stone. But there was no reprieve from this sort of pain, this shock and incoherency. I knew that Sora must hate me; that all of this was my fault, and I couldn't find any way to make it right through all the icy fog.

I rummaged around in my junk drawer until I managed to locate a battered ballpoint pen. Trembling, I lowered the tip to the page, and, beneath Sora's obvious plea for my denial, I penned one word, a word that would surely slice through his flesh like the tip of a knife:

Yes.

I folded the paper in its original fourths, then dropped it onto my nightstand and backed away, breathing heavily and clutching at my sides. I was afraid of it, in truth. If it sprouted fangs and tried to attack me, I wouldn't be surprised.

But this would be best. Cruel as it was to answer him this way, beating around the bush wouldn't do him any good, either.

When Yuffie returned a few minutes later, I held the message out for her, arm shaking. She frowned and tried to take it from me, but I was trembling so much that she couldn't quite get a hold of it. Finally she scowled and snatched it from me, her entire hand engulfing mine in her efforts to capture the message that I never wanted to send. "What's up with you?" she demanded.

But I didn't feel like explaining. I wasn't even sure that I could. So I shook my head, staring blankly at a spot on the wall just above her shoulder.

She raised an eyebrow. "Well?"

I continued the mute wagging of my head. She watched me impatiently.

"You want me to take this to Sora?" she demanded.

I nodded, but did not open my mouth.

"Alright." She gave me an appraising look, then spun on her heel and marched out of the room. "You could have just said so," she said irritably.

I could have. But I was such a horrible liar that she would have seen through me at once. She would have seen that I didn't want her to take the message to Sora, would rather burn it to a cinder or tear it into itty bitty, microscopic pieces. And she cared about me enough that she would have let me do it.

And then it hit. The pain. The guilt. I stifled a gasp and slumped to my bed. And as the numbness began to recede in the wake of torrential waves of pain, I curled up in a ball and allowed them to ravage my culpable body and mind.

~o~

I opened my eyes. Dull, grayish light streamed into them, and I blinked rapidly as I eased myself into a sitting position. My head hurt like hell.

Suddenly I heard the sharp, strident sound of crinkling paper. I lifted my elbow to find a sheet of it sitting atop my pale blue sheets, placed strategically where I would find it upon waking. There was a large dent where my bony elbow had dug into it.

As I picked it up, my throat constricted. I brushed at several strands of dark, wayward hair that clung to my sticky, salt-stained cheeks. I knew it was from Sora; it was the same coarse paper as last time, and, though I might have imagined it, his unique scent seemed to cling to its fibrous surface.

I unfolded it very slowly and began to read.

I guess I knew it was true. Riku wouldn't have said it if it wasn'tI just didn't want to believe him. He came to see me the other morning, and we got in a pretty big fight. He told me that he'd kissed you. He told me that you two were pretty much together before I showed up, and that it was my fault and that I didn't deserve you. I guess he was right. He had told me that he was going to try and find you before he left King Mickey and me, but I didn't listen to him. I didn't realize what it meant. But I should have come for you years ago; it's what anyone with half a brain would have done. I mean… I've always cared for you, but I haven't acted like it. Ever. I'm always gone. If you choose him… it's gonna hurt, I'm not gonna lie, but… I guess I understand. Or I'll try to anyway. I'm sorry.

By the time I reached the end of his tightly-woven paragraph, tears were falling like acid rain onto the paper and my own loathsome hands. What had I done? What had I done? Sora was in agony, and it was all my fault. Sora. The boy that I loved more than anything and everything.

What effect would Riku's betrayal have had on him? And what of my betrayal? He was probably in his own world of eternal torment, wandering the dark depths of despair like a lost and lonely traveler…

He had to be, because I knew what would have happened to me had the roles been reversed in all this. What if Sora had gone off with my best friend behind my back? The idea was so painful that I had to bite back a sob. What if Sora had cheated on me with someone close to me, someone like Selphie?

I read through the letter again. And again. And quite suddenly, white-hot anger flashed through me, flooding over all the guilt and seeping into it until it formed a toxic concoction.

How did he dare? How did this boy dare to try and blame any of this on himself? I crumpled his letter in my fist, then grabbed one of my huge, ridiculously lavish pillows, buried my face in it, and screamed. I screamed like a banshee, waiting for some sort of reprieve from my world of guilt and suffering, but the louder and shriller my wails became, the more hopeless the idea seemed… and the more I felt like I deserved what I got.

When my voice was too hoarse for me to continue, I slumped back onto my pillows, sobbing like lost child.

I must have fallen asleep, because some time later I heard Yuffie's voice and felt her firm grip on my shoulder. My head lolled back and forth as she tried to retrieve me from the depths of wherever I was.

"Kairi! Wake up. C'mon."

I screwed my eyes shut. I was better off in unconsciousness…

"Kairi! Stop it! I read the letter. And there's no reason for you to be acting like this."

My eyes sprung open. Her face hung over mine, dark eyes filled with impatience. Her vice-grip on my shoulder loosened a little at the sight of my haggard expression, however. I waited for her to say something else, but she only swallowed convulsively and looked at the floor.

"You read it?" I said slowly. My voice rasped brokenly, only adding, I imagined, to my wasted and battered appearance.

She nodded. "I'm sorry, it's just that… I came in and saw that you'd crumpled it up… so naturally I wondered…"

"Oh," I said listlessly, then turned my face determinedly away from her.

She patted my shoulder, a little tentatively. "Listen, Kairi. I know that you must feel… guilty. More than guilty, actually. Because I know you. I know that your conscience makes up about ninety percent of who you are. And I know that you love Sora. That's why I chewed you out the first time Riku spent the night. Remember?"

I turned and looked at her dully. Then I nodded.

"I was counting on your conscience to straighten you out. I was trying to help you avoid… this," she said, looking down at her hands.

I studied her for a moment. Normally it would have irritated me that Yuffie had used my own emotions to manipulate me, but today I could see the wisdom in it. I could see that she'd only been trying to protect me.

"Thank you," I rasped after a long pause. I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "Too bad I didn't listen to you," I added as a miserable afterthought.

To my surprise, however, she shook her head. "No, Kairi. I was wrong to do that. I'm… I'm sorry that I did."

I gaped at her, disbelief written clearly across my face.

"See, before Riku showed up… you were dying. I was standing there, watching you die right in front of me. And there was nothing I could do about it."

My eyebrows shot upward. "What?"

"It's true," she said, biting her lip. "When you first came here, you were this vivacious fifteen-year-old, full of spirit, full of such pure, astounding goodness that it was almost inhuman. You were so stubborn, so righteous, so determined to change the world. We—that is, Leon and I—agreed that we had never seen anyone like you before, aside from Sora, of course.

"But then the years went by, and Chancellor Tsukada turned the full force of his control on you. I've never seen anyone put up such a fight. You may seem rather docile on the surface, Kairi, but honestly, watching someone try to put a harness on you is like watching someone try to stop an avalanche. You defied him constantly, always forcing bills through that you thought would do the people good, no matter what the cost. And they love you for that. They always will.

"But then Chancellor Tsukada started to box you in and cut you off. He forced Setzer on you, knowing full well that after he was king, your righteous hatred of your husband would inspire him to pry himself away from you, only to place the reins of power into Chancellor Tsukada's waiting hands. I think that he also knew that this would break your spirit, which is, of course, something he's been chipping at for the last three years.

"Then Riku showed up," she said, then sniffled a little and looked at her hands to avoid my steady, piercing gaze. "He did something to you. He reminded you of who you were. If he hadn't… I don't think Sora would have felt a need to come either, and you probably would have married Setzer. You would have been dragged along until you were broken and beaten; I would have watched you wither and die until there was nothing left of little redheaded Kairi—only a puppet with twisted strings."

A profound silence followed. I continued to gape at Yuffie, but she refused to look up. She scowled a little as a treasonous tear worked its way free of her heavy black eyelashes.

"Sora was wrong," she eventually said, wiping impatiently at her cheek. "He was wrong not to come. You needed him. For such an extraordinary little hero, he's been remarkably insensitive."

"But—" I stammered, "He didn't know. He's the keyblade master. He had to—he had to save the worlds—" I found it odd to be defending him, especially to Yuffie, of all people.

"Maybe. But the point is… well… you needed someone. And Riku came. So that's the consequence that Sora is going to have to deal with."

I stared at her for a long time. "So… you don't think I'm a monster?" I said, a little disbelievingly.

"Nope," she replied, then leaned over to my nightstand, pulled the drawer open, and retrieved a notebook and the same battered pen that I'd used the other day. "Here. You're going to write back to Sora, and you're going to tell him how you feel about Riku, and why. You're also going to tell him how you feel about him, and what matters to you in the end."

I took them, a little hesitantly. "It'll hurt him," I said, my face contorting in agony. "I'm so tired of hurting the people I love…"

"Then don't put him in any more suspense," Yuffie said firmly. Then her expression softened. "Tell him what's in your heart, Kairi. It's what he would want; you know that."

I stared at her for a moment, biting my lip. Finally, my pen found the paper.

Sora. Please don't try and blame this on yourself. It's just as much my fault as it is yours. You should have come sooner. But I should have been stronger.

I wish you hadn't had to find out like that. I'm sure Riku didn't let you down easily—he's quite bitter about us, you see. I "broke up" with him the other night (for want of a more accurate term) and he was very upset. I should have told you myself, but I was a coward. I don't know if it will help, but I just want you to know that the love I have for you is ten times more powerful than any power in all the worlds.

I won't deny that I was in love with Riku. But in spite of all that, you're the one who is like the sun to me. I don't really know how else to describe it. Before you came back, my life was like a long, black night. There were only little points of light, like stars, here and there—Yuffie, Leon, Aerith, Cid. Other than that, everything was black. So can you understand how, when the moon rose, I was momentarily blinded by the light?

But when morning comes, the light of the moon dims. It is pale and almost transparent in an azure sky. When the glory of the sun bursts forth, its light is so bright and warm and good that the night and everything else is forgotten. Suddenly everything makes sense again, and you're not walking in the shadow of confusion anymore.

I love the dawn and the blissful day that follows. Please try to forgive me.

Wordlessly, I handed the notebook over to Yuffie. Her eyes roved slowly back and forth over the page. When she had finished reading, she tore the page from its spiral bindings, folded it into fourths, and, with a strangled sob, caught me up in a bone-crushing hug.

"Yuffie!" I gasped, shocked. She was usually so offhand and unemotional.

"Kairi," she choked out, "you should teach a class on how to be amazing."

I sat there for a moment, startled and bemused, then hugged her back and surprised myself by giving a droll little laugh. "You must have missed the part where I was crying and rolling around on the floor. If you hadn't come along, that's what I'd be doing now."

She laughed too, then released me and got to her feet rather abruptly. "I don't doubt it," she said brusquely, smiling teasingly and wiping at her tears as though she was ashamed of them. "Well, I'll take this to Sora, shall I? I think it will release him from his torment," she said in a would-be casual voice.

"Hopefully," I murmured, though still not entirely convinced.

Yuffie headed for the door, pocketing the note on her way out. "Oh, don't worry. The only thing that boy knows is how to love and forgive. It's what makes him so much like you."

"Yuffie?"

"Hmm?" she murmured, turning around.

"Thank you. If it weren't for you, I…" I took the crumpled note from Sora off my pillow and unfurled it thoughtfully. The girl who had crushed it in one fist seemed like a ghost to me now.

She smiled gently. "It was no trouble. I didn't tell you anything you didn't already know."

And she closed the door behind her with a snap.