Reunion is soon! Thanks for reading. Let me know your thoughts!
Veronica:
The day had finally arrived- the day I had been working toward for nearly 7 years. Today I walked across that stage at Columbia University and was awarded a certificate of my success. Veronica Mars was officially done with law school.
I smiled when they handed me the diploma and I turned towards the crowd slightly, knowing my dad had to be beaming with pride. My eyes tensed a little as I felt a sudden urge to cry- it wasn't tears of joy surprisingly- it was disappointment. Wasn't this day suppose to feel- I don't know? More important...
Everyone had come- that is almost everyone. Dad had of course flown in, but Mac and Wallace came too. They all sat in the crowd along with Piz- it reminded me of that first year at Hearst- sentiment filling me. Had I missed out by not graduating along side them? I shook the feeling off - after all it was a natural emotion to feel a let down after accomplishing something so huge. At least that is what I had heard.
Dad scooped me in his arms with joy. "You did it, kid, you did it." He kissed my fore head tenderly.
"And without making any enemies I might add." I interjected- I never could let anything get too emotional.
Mac smiled her hair now completely hipster- I loved it and her new image, along with her confidence. She had finally realized how awesome she truly was. She hugged me too, Wallace joining in quickly. We all three looked at Piz expectantly.
"So cliche guys.." He said with a charming grin.
"Who gives a crap about cliches.. I believe graduations are a fair excuse for them." I snarked back as he caved.
We had taken them all to one of our favorite restaurants, a thai- italian restaurant. Part of the fun was just that fact- put surprisingly they had killer pizza.
We even showed them our place though dad looked a tad uncomfortable- still not use to the idea of us living together. It should have felt right- having everyone here. Don't get me wrong it was wonderful seeing them, having us all together- but I just could't quite shake the feeling that we were in the wrong place.
New York has a luster- it is almost magnetizing when you first move here. Everyone is caught up in the dream, if you make it here you really have paved out the road of american success. I had heard time and time again either you loved it and thrived here- or you felt lost here. I had always hoped that maybe the feeling of misdirection that plagued me had been from not completing my goals yet, having so much school ahead of me. But now in this moment as I watch three of the most important people in my life crawl into a cab- I feel more lost than ever.
Piz wrapped an arm around me as he held the other up in a wave. He smiled wide- he looked content, happy. Piz loved New York- it was like he was made to be here. I had been envious of how well he adapted here, always hoping that would rub off on me. I think I was doing a good job faking- but still what good is that if you know the truth.
"What a great day." He whispered in my ear as we entered our little apartment.
I watched as he immediately crashed into our leather sofa. "Yeah. It was." I felt the sickening feeling taking over. I had never been prone to panic attacks but I felt one coming on. The apartment felt smaller than usual, this city was so cramped- I just wanted out. I casually walked to a window, raising it to find a sense of freedom. What was wrong you? Why aren't you happy? Hand't you achieved all you wanted. I gnawed at the inside of my cheek. Well- had this been what I wanted all along?
Logan:
What is that saying? The crap hit the fan? Well that is at least the PG version. To say that was true of when I returned from deployment would be accurate. Truth be told Carrie and I had not communicated much over the three months, not from lack of effort on my part. It is just hard to get time to skype with your girlfriend when she is out all hours of the night and sleeping the day away.
We had not left things on the best of terms- after the will incident things were rather tense. Carrie had confronted me about Veronica- it was like she wanted an explanation. I did not even know where to start with that one. I knew she wouldn't understand the situation, I didn't even understand it.
I did not see me answering "yes" to her questions of if I still loved my ex going over well. So I just stayed quiet. She wouldn't get how I always would feel that way for Veronica- it was like I had been programed from birth to love that girl. There was no shaking it, or getting rid of it. I had 7 years of proof to back it up-or nearly 10 if you counted the years before our separation.
The other fact she wouldn't understand is how in a twisted way I had learned to function through it- how I had learned to love her as well through it. Yeah it wasn't some story book fairy tale- but look at her and me? Did we scream happily ever after? It was what it was- I did love her, not like she wanted I guess, but still I was committed.
After the many Veronica conversations - her talking about it and me staying mostly silent- things temporarily blew over. I guess she had accepted it for what it was. Something she wouldn't understand- but she seemed to see I was not going anywhere. And that spoke volumes to Carrie Bishop, so she softened towards me.
The peace did not last long- I found coke stashed in her nightstand the day before I left. At first she tried to play it off as a friend's. I wanted to believe her, I did- after all she had been so anti- drugs. It was surprising, but when I looked at her erratic behavior over the last months there was too much proof. She caved pretty quickly, sobbing and remorseful. She claimed it was one time , that our dear friend Sean had pawned it off on her in a bad moment. Thing is I believed her. I am not sure if it was my hope that I could make it work or if I did not want to accept that I couldn't.
When I got back - I had seen plenty of the headlines while away- but when I was in the states it was even worse than I thought. She had been in a hell of a lot of trouble while I had been gone.
She seemed genuinely happy to see me when I arrived at back at her house. She skipped toward me almost like a little girl, her lilac hair bouncing with her. I had seen it in pictures and skype- but in person it seemed so radical. She locked her arms behind my waist and smiled. The icy emotion I had been feeling towards her lately started to thaw- my heart warming as I looked at the glimmer of hope in her eyes again. I was back now- it would all be okay-
I did not mistake myself as one to be naive, but I guess when it came to wanting a sense of family I had fallen into that mindset before. Carrie quickly started distancing herself, I guess when she saw I would not be her club buddy and condone the addictions- she did not want much to do with me. It seemed she had picked up some pretty bad habits while I was gone. Her blood shot eyes, and thin form were just a few signs at first glance. It went so much deeper than that- her nose bleeds and mood swings, insomnia. It was like living in hell. She would cry and cry and curl into my arms and beg for help when she reached the end of her rope and stupidly I would console. Then the next day she would wake up calling Gia and Sean making plans for that night, like our conversation had never happened.
Sean- he was still around and that was something I had a huge problem with. He had dealt her the drugs the first time and though she wouldn't admit it, I knew he had to be her supplier.
The fights were horrific- screaming matches. It was like being around a teenage girl- slamming of doors and her throwing things. I would stare in disbelief at where the girl I had cared for went. She was gone- long gone. I did not even recognize the person before me anymore.
Feelings fade, they do- especially when the person you fell in love with no longer existed. I didn't go anywhere though. I had no one else- where would I run to? I did still love Carrie- maybe not the way I had before - which in it's own was unique. But I wanted to help her, save her. I did not want her to end up like my mother, so I stuck around. By the time she reached the end of herself I had nearly reached the end of her as well. I was done- she had pulled too much. Coming in drunk and high as a kite, yet again. This time she didn't even try to hide the drugs in her purse. I did not get angry, I didn't even scream- I just began packing my things.
She went ballistic, sobbing and whaling- then yelling. The girl was out of her mind. She blocked the door way and I looked at her in pity. That was all I had left for her- just sadness. The love was gone, the friendship that the relationship had been founded on had been gone for awhile. There was nothing left but a shell of a person, and I could not stand by and watch anymore as she destroyed herself. Carrie was no longer here, I am afraid all that was left was Bonnie. She had problems far past what I could help fix, her inner struggles and pains locked so deep inside her that they were literally destroying her. I had said goodbye to Carrie many months ago ,now all that was left to do was say goodbye to Bonnie- I had never really cared for that version anyway. When she watched me walk to my car - she screamed out one final attempt to keep me, she knew exactly how.
She promised to complete her treatment and I bought into the lie. I had desperately wanted to believe the girl I had known before would return. So i held out hope- yet again. When she returned home, though she did not seem to use or drink - I could tell she was still headed down a path i couldn't follow. It took 2 weeks for Carrie to blow it. 2 weeks out of rehab and she managed to cheat on me- with her drug dealer no less. By week 3 the scandal had hit every national magazine and website. We were even trending on twitter. I didn't shed a tear, I had in fact expected it. Carrie, despite how badly I wanted and still want to save her- is beyond it. I gave up.
The last 3 weeks had been out of control- I had been taped threatening her lover/ drug pusher- I had even had confrontation with the paparazzi. It had of course been painted to make me look like a psychotic person- like father like son right? What America didn't get was how the paparazzi were mocking her, asking her what drink she would sip back at the 09er, if she missed the buzz of the drugs filling her system. They were sick and well I lost it. Of course there cameras were ready and they got the shot they wanted.
I could't go anywhere without a million flashing lights in my face- it was like living a nightmare. I had even seen Mr. Mars in passing as I walked down the street. He watched from afar- seeming honestly disappointed as he saw me crawl into a limo with Carrie, fighting off the mad men. I could see how it looked- I had stayed with a girl who obviously was not over her addiction problems- even after rehab. Carrie's darkness had been shed on to me-her problems had a way of sucking the life out of you and well I looked it. I had an edge again to me, my temper flaring up without a notice- and my worst moments had been caught for everyone to see.
Sean was a horrible person, the guy had been since high school- but everyone protected him now. He was a big video producer now and a huge supplier of the sweetest drugs in Southern California. But no I was the bad guy- the jealous boyfriend for kicking him out. When the cheating scandal broke I was glad. I finally had a reason to leave without guilt. But when I heard it was Sean it sealed the last bit of affection I had for Carrie away, the friendship- the duty I had felt to her because of it- was gone.
I went in grabbing my last load of boxes, placing them in the front seat of my car. The day was bright and I could feel the sun against my skin- a sign of the returning of life. I saw her in the doorway, standing silently as she leaned against it. I moved past her calmly- grabbing my bag of clothes. I stopped in front of her on my way out- digging in my pocket as I handed her her keys. "Here."
She eyed them like they were the enemy, refusing to take them and I sighed at her childish games sitting them on the counter before I headed out. What had she really expected? That I would stay after she had tried every possible way to push me a way?
I took the large house in one last time, all the memories playing through my head. The good started first and than escalated to the ugly- some of the things I had seen here and had been through would always haunt me. Bonnie Deville's life was anything but glamorous, despite what others would believe.
I opened the car door to my BMW and her voice finally carried out over the courtyard, her finally breaking her pouting silence. "Say hi to Veronica for me!"
I froze, feeling my temper starting to build, the girl knew how to push my buttons, my weak points. Turning around cautiously I eyed her- a sick look on her face. She had been reduced to this- and suddenly my anger vanished. She did not know how to act any other way anymore.
"I am sure you will drop those boxes off and then be catching a flight to New York I presume?"
I shook my head in disbelief. "You are actually trying to turn this on me?" I walked closer pointing in her face. "No, Carrie- this is all on you." She flinched ."I know what we had was not ideal- but I was committed to this. You blew it with your addictions, and secrets and "other boyfriends." Her lip quivered for a moment and then she bit it- a coldness washing over her face. "You can't blame me for all of this."
"Oh come on Logan- you two really are perfect for each other. Both self righteous- never seeing your wrong- only other's." She sneered. "You think I would have turned to any of this if I had known you really loved me?"
Her words hurt- even feeling a sense of blame of what had happened to her was hard to handle. Guilt trickled in until I caught it. She was looking for any excuse to blame me now, a classic habit of an addict. I knew in good conscious I had done everything I could. "I did love you, Carrie." I emphasized each word while she folded her arms across her chest.
"Just not like her- right?"
I swallowed. I wasn't discussing this for the hundredth time. Truth was I was free, free from all the toxicity she was trying to fill me with. She was looking for a way to make me explode- to let our farewell be dramatic and dysfunctional. I wasn't giving in- but kudos to her for using Veronica. She had learned that would spark a reaction I suppose.
I looked at her, softening my features as she hardened. It was over- despite how hard I had tried, I knew it was now the time to let go. I touched the side of her face. "Goodbye, please take care of yourself." My last moment of tenderness had no affect on the ice sculpture in front of me, she was vacant.
I drove away, seeing her house in my rearview mirror and suddenly I felt relief. I could finally move on-
Veronica:
"You know it has been nearly 5 months since you graduated.." Piz brought the subject up yet again. I kept my focus on my crossword as he read the paper, our morning tradition.
"Is it now?" I smirked though never looking up,
"That bar exam can't take itself you know?" He tried to say the loaded comment lightly, it didn't work. It sucked all the happiness out of the room.
I looked up a little upset. "I am just not ready- I need to study more."
I had used this line a hundred times over the summer. I had been in an identity crisis- he at first had not seen it but as the months rocked on how could he not? I was in a standstill and making no move towards the "dreams" I had been working on for so long. I could tell he was panicking. He thought I was going to bolt. And let's be honest.. Who could blame him? I had a history for bolting. Just ask Logan Echolls.
"You could start interviewing at least-" He still pushed the subject.
"I have been watching job adds." I said flatly and he deflated with a heavy sigh.
I had been watching adds, I had even passed on a few. Though I didn't tell him that. I just felt overcome with the lack of excitement I felt toward the life of a lawyer-i had wanted it for so long, but now I was doubting it. I knew it was just jitters, late 20's crisis of growing up. I just had to ride the wave and get settled. I knew that.
I looked at the clock. "You better hurry- you are going to miss your flight." I tried to sweeten my tone.
He looked frantically at the clock jumping up and gathering his things. Piz flew out every so often for his job, I had gotten use to it. I even liked the alone time sometimes- did that make me horrible? His eyes had a loaded expression as he leaned in to kiss me- he was analyzing me a lot lately. Between my fear of the bar, lack of drive to find a job, and Logan Echolls reappearing on every tabloid- I was a ticking time bomb in his mind.
"I will call you when I land." He kissed my cheek. "I love you-" The words slipped out naturally but caused him to tense in fear.
We had not actually said the words out loud. I could tell he had almost a few time and chickened out. I felt my stomach clench at his reveal, my heart racing as my head tried to keep up.
I had never been one for expressing emotions and whenever I had embarked on analyzing the "L" word with Piz I just retreated. I had a messed up mindset towards it- last time I had been in love it had been overwhelming, taking up every aspect of me. I had been consumed and well I felt every range of emotion to it's extreme. I am not sure that was healthy but it was it was. It had left such a permanent mark that it was hard to recover.
Piz was no drama, always even, always stable. He was a wonderful friend and we had fun. There was no highs and no lows- it was just piz and me. That wasn't bad- it just was totally different and I was scared if I said the words that I knew deep down I most likely felt- just in a different kind of way- that it would all unravel.
I cleared my throat studying his panicked face. Just say it Veronica- look at him. He has been so good to you, just give him this.
"I love you too."
He smiled from ear to ear seeming completely elated as all fear banished from his eyes. He hugged me tight not drawing attention to what I said with words. He knew not to push me too far in this emotional world. He gave me one final kiss and out the door he went- and I noticed I didn't feel any better.
I eyed the door for a long time-seeing him leaving over and over in my mind. You have everything a girl could want- a kind boyfriend who loves you. A life of success at your fingertips, and in the greatest city in America. Get it together Veronica, before you ruin this like you always do.
I reached across the table, grabbing the newspaper, flipping to the job adds quickly. I skimmed the pages for a moment until like a neon sign an add jumped out at me. Truman - Mann
I quickly dialed the number, a flat receptionist answering the call.
"Hi, yes. I was calling to see what I needed to do to apply for the job listing in the paper today?"
"You have a law degree?" Her voice still stayed flat while I could hear her typing.
"Yes mam, Columbia." I said proudly.
She didn't seem impressed. "And have completed the bar?"
I cringed as I hesitated. "Uh, will be shortly."
"Name?"
I sighed with relief. "Veronica Mars."
Logan:
I had 7 weeks of absolute peace, well as peaceful as my life ever got. Dick had suggested I stay at his house- the waves just a few steps away. It was just what I needed, surfing had always made everything slightly better. It was nice chilling with my oldest friend- I had seen less and less of him the farther Carrie spun out. He had even given up on her and her crowd. The drama- the constant fighting- he said it messed with his zen.
We clinked our beers together as we sat on the beach, the surf still washing up on us, our boards laying beside us.
"To the good life -man." Dick said.
I nodded. "Ah, what a charmed life it has been.." My voice trailed off.
"Not easy, that is for sure. But look at us man- we survived." I peered at him surprised from my peripheral. It was a deep sentiment from Dick. "I mean we both survived crazy fathers- mothers who bailed." He cleared his throat uncomfortably."People we loved dying." We stared at each other for a moment a slight smile playing at both of our faces. Dick was right- we had made it.
He laughed having defuse the emotional mood, like always. "You had your heart ransacked by Veronica Mars- multiple times and though I thought she was gonna eventually succeed in undoing you- you even found a way to push through that."
I felt the smile disappear, I brought the beer to my lips to hide it's absence, chugging it. Hm, seems that spot in my heart is still raw. My relationship with Carrie had somehow distracted me in a way. At first the false happiness and then the tornado of destruction that she brought into everyone around her's life. Seems once you take all that away and leave me to myself- there was the a gaping hole in my heart still, still. I had tried not acknowledge it over the last weeks of being free, but once I was "free" I had the unsettling realization taunting me. I had never been free- at least of one thing in my life. No, despite everything- the military, Carrie, moving- Veronica Mars still had me. Every last bit-
There was a calm silence as we continued to watch the waves roll in, Dick scrolled through his phone as the sun started to slowly set. I noticed his face constrict as he eyed me and then looking back to his phone. He did the motion again and I knew with him, that meant something was up.
"What is it?" I chuckled.
"If I knew something about Carrie- would you want to know?"
"Depends." I still smiled at how tense he seemed.
"If it has to do with her going to a famous club in the area tonight?"
My smile dropped. Dammit, Carrie. I guess it was the sponsor in me- after all that had been my role this last year, I picked up the phone.
"What do you want Logan?" Her voice had a bitter bite. We had not spoke since the day I left her house for good.
I cut right to the chase, having no desire to get into a screaming match again. " Are you going to the 09er tonight?"
"Stalker." She said accusatorially, but I could hear she was pleased. She had gotten the reaction she wanted and in inwardly berated myself. Great.I could hear Gia in the background giggling and Carrie joined in.
It took all resolve not to lose my cool as she continued to cackle with her ditzy friend, the patronizing tone poisonous. Sometimes it was hard for me to believe I had put up with it for so long."You think that is a wise choice? I mean 10 weeks sober Carrie, that is an accomplishment." I said flatly trying to stick to the facts I knew- or at least what I hoped were still true.
Whatever control I had on my temper she did not have- her erupting into a fit of rage, and I was her target. "You have some nerve? You are a hypocrite, Logan Echolls! All of us know you are anything but together- you are just a big lie- nothing but a fake like your dad-"
I took a deep breath. "Good bye, Carrie." I hung up, and felt Dick's eyes on me. Someone miles down the beach could have heard her at the decibel level she was screaming at. I raised an eyebrow as I blew air out my nose.
"You okay dude?"
I nodded as I softly smiled again. "Yeah man. Yeah-"
The rest of the evening had entailed Pizza, a few more beers and watching the fights on paper view. It had been a chill night if you did not count- the verbal lashing from Carrie. I had actually managed to push her out of my mind- surprising since I usually would be overcome with worry when I knew she was out partying. I had crawled into bed for the night when my phone buzzed.
I pulled it off the charger the color draining from my face as I saw the text.
I am home. Not doing good. I really need you, I am going to use again. I can feel it.
I gritted my teeth, before swallowing hard. I hated the position it put me in, I still wanted to help Carrie- I had not forgotten about all we shared. I still wanted her to succeed in beating this. I typed back quickly.
You okay?
I laid back on the bed my heart pounding in my chest as I waited for the response. I texted again. You alright?
Again no response. I tried to call and it went straight to voice mail. I jumped to my feet quickly throwing on clothes.
It took me minutes to get to her place from Dick's. I had driven this route a thousand times. The guards let me in, they knew who I was. I reached her door and knocked loudly, still no answer from her. I remembered a spare key I had in my wallet that I had forgotten about, pulling it out quickly.
I knew her alarm code, but this time it didn't work. The house was dark, no sign of anyone. It had a eery presence but I shook it off calling out for her. I looked everywhere but still no answer. Finally I reached her bathroom and saw her in the tub, eyes shut. For a moment I felt relief assuming she was relaxing, but quickly I knew something wasn't right. All emotion took over as I ran toward her, reaching down quickly to pull her out when
-everything went black.
I awoke to the sound of dozens of voices- being jerked to my feet by the new sheriff Lamb. It took me a moment to register where I was as he hooked my arms behind my back- reading me my writes. My head stopped spinning. Carrie.
I looked down to see EMT's zipping up a bag, getting a faint glimpse of her purple hair. "Carrie!" I screamed and Lamb pushed me to the ground. I felt my eyes burn with tears as they put her on a gurney and rolled her away. I had failed her- another person that had died because of me.The tears strewn down my face and I ignored the ridicule and berating of the sheriff- my mind was numb. All I saw was her lifeless- She was dead.
