Author's Notes: Two things; first, this was started as a collaboration with a good friend of mine, it didn't quite end that way, but it is nearly 50% my work, and 50% hers. I really like what happened here, it's one of my favorite, even though it took forever; and second, this was loosely inspired by the song Dog Eared Page by The Matches. It's a good song, I'd suggest looking into it if you haven't heard it~. Enjoy the Kames lovely readers~.


It had finally happened. James had finally left. Kendall couldn't really say he was surprised, or even angry, he had always known the other boy would pack up and leave him eventually, it was the brunette's dream to be famous after all, and Kendall himself wanted nothing more than to play for the hockey team of his dreams but now, in the moment where he had lost what was probably the best thing that had ever happened to him, he felt himself choking on his own breath as he waved one last time to retreating car that held his boyfriend.

It took all he had not to break down into tears when the limo turned a left and was lost from his sight. He turned and walked back into his mother's house, doing his best to smile when Katie hugged him and whispered, "he always loved you." to him.

He waved an offer for tea from his mother off and trudged slowly up the stairs to his room. He closed the door slowly and turned to face his room. His eyes, which had dried up on his way upstairs were suddenly filled with tears again as nearly everything he could see reminded him of the taller boy, who had just driven out of his life.

He threw himself onto his bed and buried his face in his pillows, doing his best not to let the tears fall. It took all of his willpower not to roll into a ball and sob until he couldn't feel himself anymore, but he knew that wouldn't help so instead he grabbed the remote to his stereo and pressed the play button.

A song he instantly recognized began to play and he let out a small gasping cry, finally letting the tears fall as the song played.

I'm just a dog-eared page you turn back to.

Where's the place for me

When we're both in love with you?

"Fuck." He groaned out, not even having the energy to change it. "W-why did he even like this song anyway?" he gasped through his tears, burying his face into the black fabric of his pillowcase once more.


James had always tried to convince himself that if it came down to Kendall and his dream of being famous, he'd pick Kendall. Of course, he kind of fancied himself as a better person than he probably was. And really, the dream had seemed nearly impossible when he laid down in bed and decided that Kendall was more important. If he would have known that a few months later, a crazy record producer would show up on his doorstep and virtually beg him to fly out to LA to record for him, he would have dropped that thought in an instant. Because, honestly, there wasn't a single person that James Diamond loved in the world more than himself.

Except it really was a shame that Kendall was so broken up about it. Kendall was a super close second to himself in James' mind and seeing Kendall like he'd been as the car pulled away almost made James decide against going. Almost, but not enough. Because, hello, this was Hollywood. Plus, the blond would have just insisted that he go anyway, right?

As hard as it was to do, James had managed to keep Kendall out of his mind the whole flight to LA. Hell, he'd managed to do it for three days until he was thrown into a recording booth to record some stupid love song (which didn't remind him of Kendall at all because Kendall wasn't dumb and mushy and girly about their relationship) and the producer was yelling at him about not doing the song right when the pretty assistant told him to think about being in love and then, oh, there was Kendall.

He spent the whole night wishing he was back in Minnesota, but had forgotten the whole thing in the morning when he was introduced to the actress that the record company had hired to pretend to be his girlfriend. Kendall who?


It had taken him almost three months, at least two more nights of crying himself to sleep and one surprisingly painful slap form Katie, but Kendall had finally gotten over the hurt of James leaving him.

His life had finally gotten back into something of a normal routine, and he had to say, he was glad for Logan and Carlos having been there for him, he knew that he had been very annoying for at least the first two weeks after his pretty boy ex-boyfriend had left him, but the other two had taken the time out of their days, and even their own relationship to console and comfort him.

It was a reasonably normal day that he was spending with the two of them, on and off the ice in the rink, and just enjoying acting like a teenager for one of the last times they could when his phone rang.

He reached for it to answer it automatically and then froze, noticing the ring-tone, which he had changed in a fit of anger, or perhaps despair, to make sure he always knew when James was calling him. It was a small clip of that same song he had heard right after the taller boy had left him alone to go and chase his dream in Hollywood.

He stared at the screen, where the contact name, which still read Jamie 3, was flashing at him as the song clip played a few times over. Finally it stopped ringing, but he kept staring at it, thinking and regretting not having picked it up.

I can't say I blame him for chasing his dream... not really anyway... I just... I fucking miss him, and... couldn't he have at least promised to come back, or asked me to go with him..?

His thoughts were interrupted when Logan and Carlos came back from where they had gone to get the three of them corndogs. His phone was still in his hand as he looked up at the two of them, vaguely hearing Logan says something about how Carlos needed to read more, before the two of them looked down at him sitting on the bleachers.

He saw Logan's eyes flash between the probably distraught look on his face and his phone before the other boy dropped Carlos' hand and was by his side. He had his arms around Kendall and pulled him close against his chest, whispering something about how he was sorry.

That was all Kendall could process, and before he knew it, he was sobbing fresh tears against Logan's shirt and choking out broken sentences about how he missed his "Jamie-bear" so much.

Carlos stood behind his boyfriend, looking just a little awkward holding two and a half corndogs.

Nearly ten minutes later, Kendall had finally calmed down enough to stop sobbing and slowly pulled back from Logan's embrace, doing his best to smile. "I-I'm sorry guys..." He said quietly, looking down at his own feet.

"Kendall, you have nothing to be sorry for." Surprisingly, it was Carlos' voice that had spoken up first, and he was instantly on Kendall's other side. "You..." He stopped and frowned in thought, obviously pondering how to say what he was trying to express. "I think that you've been really strong... I don't think I would have been able to survive if Logie had left me the way that Ja-. Like that." The other two had gotten into the habit of not saying James' name around Kendall, and it didn't usually bother him, in fact, he appreciated it sometimes, but right then it deeply angered him.

"The way that James did to me?" He practically growled at the Latino, shooting him an angry look and instantly regretting it when he saw Carlos practically cringe in fear. "I-I'm sorry." He stopped and looked back down at the floor. "I didn't meant to snap at you... I just... I know you've been trying to help, but... nothing is going to change that James picked Hollywood and fame and fortune and some blonde bimbo of a fake girlfriend over me and I just... can we at least try not to pretend it didn't happen..?" He said all of this only just loud enough for the other two to hear and they shared a look over his bent back before Logan laid a hand on his thigh, Carlos mirroring the action.

"Kendall, we just want to make this as easy as we can for you." Logan said, frowning a little when Kendall made an noncommittal noise and didn't really move.

It was around that time that Kendall saw that flashing light that indicated he needed to check his notifications on his phone, some part of him told him not to do it, but he ignored that part and did it anyway.

There were two new notifications for him to see, one was a voicemail, probably from when the brunet had called him earlier and another was an email from an address he didn't recognize, the subject line read only "Hi..."

He considered ignoring it, but something inside made him stop himself and he slowly tapped on the screen, frown deepening as he read the text of the message.

Kendall,

I'm writing this because... well, I'm not sure exactly why I am, but... I guess I feel like I owe you an apology, or... some closure, or... well, I owe you way more than that, but I don't know what else to do.

I've had lots of time to think in the last few months, most of it when I was being told I was "doing it wrong" or "have no talent", and I've realized I've done a lot of selfish, and some horrible, things in my life, but there's not a single one I regret.

Well, I say not a single one, because really, it's more than one act. The only things that I can recall in my life that I now regret are the many times I've hurt you. I can't say I would take them all back, because honestly, from some of those times I got some pretty nice stuff, not to mention some damn good angry sex.

I'm making even less sense in this stupid email than I usually do, but Kendall... I'm sorry. I can't take back what I did, and somehow, I doubt this will even get to you, but I really am sorry that what I've done has caused you pain.

He'll probably deny it, and that's quite alright, but Logan has been looking out for you; he's sent me a lot of text messages, left me a few rather... creative voicemail, and even used his extensive knowledge of the English language as a weapon in a couple of emails.

I never imagined that the spur of the moment, seemingly simple choice I made those months ago would have caused you so much pain.

I'll never forget our time together Kendall, and I'll never forgive myself for leaving you, but you were, and always will be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I'll always be thinking of you,

James

P.S. Lauren, the girl the studio hired to pretend to be my girlfriend,

He hadn't realised he had been reading out loud until a second voice joined his own. "Has always thought the story of our relationship was romantic and we've never done anything more than talk."

He turned slowly, and looked for the source of the voice he knew like his own heartbeat; even as he heard Logan gasp and his eyes locked with a pair of deep hazel he also could never forget, he couldn't believe it.

"I... I love you Kendall." The tall brunet said slowly, standing a few feet away, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

Kendall took in all of the boy he loved, and none of him in the same moment, still convinced that his mind must be playing tricks on him.

"I realise now that nothing can ever mean more to me than you do." James added, still not sure if Kendall even knew he was there.

Quiet fell between the four boys, and Logan and Carlos moved a few feet away in respect. Finally Kendall took a breath and stood slowly, turning to James properly.

"You fucking left me." He said quietly, almost matter-of-fact, and if James hadn't been straining to catch the blonde's every word, he wouldn't have heard it.

"Y-yeah..." he said slowly, not sure where Kendall was going with the train of thought.

"You left me here, so you could go be fucking famous, and then three months later you waltz back into my life and expect me to just, what? Hug you and tell you it's okay and to forget it ever happened?" Kendall's voice grew in volume and intensity as he spoke, and suddenly he was in James' face, practically screaming at him. "YOU FUCKING LEAVE ME HERE, ALONE, AND YOU EXPECT ME NOT TO BE UPSET?"

James looked almost like a deer caught in headlights and looked around for some kind of help, but the ice rink was empty save for the two of them, Carlos and Logan, who were standing feet away, hands clasped and obviously not coming to his aid.

"I didn't..." He began, then stopped and bit his lip. "I never meant to hurt you Kendall..." He said slowly, not sure what he really could say other than what he felt.

"Yeah well, you fucking did." Kendall said, only barely audible even in the near silence of the room.


James had never had a lot of regrets. Sure, he messed up every now and then (a lot more often than he wanted to admit), but he was a pro at justifying his actions. Which totally didn't explain the gnawing feeling in the back of his mind that seemed a lot like guilt every time a couple walked by him or he heard something about hockey or even when he saw a blond walking past him. It was getting ridiculous.

It had only taken a week for him to realize that he maybe, sort of, kind of missed Kendall. He almost called the blond boy and apologized for everything that he'd probably done wrong so far in their relationship and everything that he'd do wrong in the future. Of course, it had never been easy for James to apologize. So while he was trying to work up the nerve to actually call, he got on good authority— well, Carlos told him, but the shorter boy never lied— that Kendall missed him, and so he decided that he'd just wait for the blond to call him.

Except before James knew it, it had been three months and Kendall never called. And the only way that he learned a thing about the blond was from what Carlos told him in passing conversation and from a mess of angry texts, voicemails and emails from Logan. Not that he had much time to lament about it while recording his super amazing album and becoming famous.

After recording the final song on his album, yet another love song since that seemed to be all that "the Gustavo Rocque" was able to write, James finally thought he'd be able to go home and get a good night's sleep. The second that he actually started feel relieved, his fake girlfriend, Lauren, was ushered into the room with a stupid smile on her face so that they could go 'networking' at some stupid event thing.

And if anybody would have told James that trying to be famous was going to be this much work, he probably wouldn't have wanted it as much as he did.

There were waiters with trays of cheap champagne circulating throughout the party. James had never been much of a drinker and had only ever drank back home with his best friends, so he didn't know his limits all too well. Which led to him being more wasted than he probably ever had been. It was a good thing that he and Lauren were sitting because he was ninety-nine percent sure that his legs wouldn't have listened to whatever his head was trying to tell them to do.

He glanced at Lauren and with his hazy mind, she almost looked like Kendall because of course she had to have blond hair and impossibly green eyes. He was just happy that the girl didn't have dimples because he didn't know if he'd be able to handle that.

He kept his gaze glued to Lauren for a few seconds until she cocked her head to the slightest degree and snapped James out of whatever trance he'd gotten himself into. He smiled at her, not entirely sure what he should say. He hadn't really spoken to the girl since they'd met and as smooth as he tried to make himself come off as, James was actually pretty awkward when it came to speaking to people that he hadn't known forever. "You've got, like, the second prettiest set of eyes that I've seen in my life," he blurted out. They didn't come close to Kendall's in his opinion, but they were definitely second.

Lauren offered him a soft smile and James didn't really understand why. It seemed like she was pitying him and girls didn't pity James Diamond. They fell at his feet. "Do the first belong your girlfriend back home?"

James let out an impossibly loud laugh at the thought. He'd never met a girl in Minnesota who came anything close to his standards. "No, no, no! My boyfriend… or ex… I think…?" He pouted for a second and tried to figure out the logistics of his and Kendall's relationship at the moment, but he couldn't process the information too well so he gave up. "Kendall has the most amazing eyes…"

"I wasn't exactly expecting that," Lauren replied with a soft laugh. "Why do you sound so confused about your relationship?" James shrugged and leaned closer than necessary towards the girl.

"I fucked up," he laughed humorlessly, earning himself a few stares from the people around them. He ignored them. "I shouldn't have ever come out here. I want this, but I need him."

Lauren opened her mouth like she wanted to reply, but she didn't. James took that as an indication that he could keep talking.

"And it's been three fucking months. I should have called him… I should've, but I didn't and I just…" He ran a shaky hand through his hair, ignoring the fact that it was more than likely in awful condition now. "I couldn't stay there and do this, which has been my dream for, like, ever and he couldn't come with me because I can't take away his dream to play for the Minnesota Wild since it's all he's talked about since we were six years old in peewee hockey!"

Lauren stood up and grabbed James' arm, helping him to his feet. "You're a mess. You need to sleep this off or something because there's no way in hell that you're going to make a good impression on these people like this." She led him outside and called him a taxi, but not before pulling him into a hug and whispering, "You know you can fix this if you really try, right?"

James nodded his head because he did know and he didn't let the fact that he was going to have to try his damnedest to swallow his pride and admit that he was wrong stop him from booking himself a ticket for the next available flight back to Minnesota.

He tried not to regret doing it when Kendall didn't answer his phone call after he landed and when the other boy started screaming at him the second that he showed up at their old daytime haunt.

"I may have fucked up," he tried before being cut off by a snort behind him.

"May have," Logan repeated sarcastically before James turned around to glare at him.

Carlos cleared his throat and grabbed Logan's arm a bit roughly. "Logie, I think maybe Jamie has something that he wants to say…"

"Well, Jamie had three months to say something where he didn't try to say a word to Kendall and I don't think I could do that to you because I love you. If James loved Kendall, don't you think he would have called?"

"Jamie was busy with his album and stuff!" Carlos argued with a bit of a pout. "He would have called Kendall if he could have! Right, Jamie?"

"He had time to call you every night, didn't he?"

James took a little comfort in knowing that Logan was still willing to tell him when he thought he was out of line. "Okay, Logie. Time to shut the fuck up and let me fix this."

Kendall was the one to reply that time with his eyebrows raised. "Good luck with that."

He could see Logan bite back his own retort as he turned but he ignored it for the sake of staring at Kendall imploringly.


Kendall hadn't meant to yell at James like that, but suddenly all those nights he spent alone in the bed which reminded him so much of James had caught up with him, and yeah, he was still sad, and was absolutely livid, but even as he screamed he realised some part of him was singing in glorious ecstasy that James was back in his life.

He felt their whole relationship flash through his head, the first day they ever met and Kendall saved James from some stupid bullies, the first time they ever played hockey together, their first innocent little kid sleepover, their first not so innocent one, and the first time they had kissed. That memory gave him pause.


It had been a long day at school and the four of them were all sitting in Kendall's living room as per usual, it was their sophomore year of high school, and they were all at the peak of their sexual frustration. Carlos and Logan had just a few days before discovered that they really did like each other as more than friends and were perfectly content with cuddling on the couch, but Kendall and James were a little worse off, both glaring at the TV screen where some group of sexy girls or another were flaunting their beauty about. "God, I'm so horny." Kendall said to himself, blanching a moment later when James turned to him and raised one of those stupid perfectly sculpted eyebrows. "Eh, sorry..." He muttered, breathing a sigh of relief when James shrugged and focused back on the screen.

It took only a few more minutes before Carlos and Logan were giggling and smooching on their side of the couch, earning them twin glares they completely missed. Kendall stood and stretched, jerking his head towards the stairs and his room.

James smiled and stood, eyes lingering only for a second on Carlos and Logan. They walked in silence to Kendall's room, James flopping down onto the blond's bed with a sigh. "Do they always have to do that?"

Kendall shrugged as he pushed the door closed. "They don't mean anything by it, they're just in love." He said with a chuckle as he laid down next to James. Both of them kept their eyes on the ceiling, even as James' right hand automatically slid over to rest on Kendall's inner thigh, stroking lightly up and down it.

They had been like this ever since that night when they were twelve or thirteen and had discovered that it felt even better when someone else was the one touching you. They had never done anything more than give each other handjobs, and had actually resisted the urge to kiss each other on a few different occasions because that would be "gay" but it had just become a part of their friendship.

James sighed and turned his head to look at Kendall, even as his hand slid farther up and began to play with the blond's erection. "Kendall, what are we?" He asked, stopping his movements and turning onto his side, face schooled rather a lot more serious than he usually was.

Kendall frowned and turned his head to face James, a little surprised to see the boy looking so intense. "I don't... I don't really know Jamie..." He said with a thoughtful frown, realising he actually didn't know what to call their relationship.

James sighed dramatically and threw his left hand in the air, exasperated. "I just. I don't know, I guess I'm tired of us being single and whatever and then Carlos and Logan are just rubbing their adorable, annoying, fan-fucking-tastic gayness in our faces! I just fucking wish that we cou-" his voice was cut off as Kendall grabbed his face and kissed him very suddenly.

It wasn't really something Kendall had meant to do, but he was glad he had done it. Not only had it shut James up like his goal had been, but after James got over his initial shock, it was rather enjoyable kissing the brunet.

It was a nice kiss they both decided, only finally pulling back once they had exhausted their efforts to explore each other and also, their air supply. It was James who spoke first. "So does that mean we're like... together?"

Kendall blanched and looked away form James. "I.. I don't know... d-do you want that..?" He asked, blushing a little not only at his stutter, but at the mere thought of being with James like that. It wasn't an idea he disliked, it just seemed... odd.

James had to think about that one, on one hand, he just wanted to belong to anyone, but on the other, this was Kendall his best friend since they were six. Plus, Kendall was a guy, he had never much paid attention to that sort of thing, mostly because in Minnesota it was hard to find something besides straight people, but he had never explicitly wanted to be with a guy.

James fought in his head with himself for a good minute before he finally came to a decision and nodded slowly. "Yeah, I uhm... think I do want that."

Kendall looked back to him, surprise and was that relief? James asked himself, waiting for Kendall to say something. "A-are you sure Jamie..?" Kendal finally asked, looking simultaneously hopeful and scared.

James nodded. "Yes, I am... Kendall, will you be my boyfriend?"

Kendall was a little stunned, he had been hoping for a moment like this for almost a year now, he had always wanted to be with James as more than just friends who sometimes did sexy things together, but he hadn't known how to ask, or go about saying it, so he had swallowed his desire and took what he could get. He nodded slowly, eyes nearly unfocused as he processed what had happened. "I-I would very much like that.." He finally said.


Kendall ripped himself back into the present and locked eyes with James, having lost all of his anger either to the other boy's imploring face, or to the memory. He felt tears running down his face again and shook his head. "Jamie, why..?" He managed to gasp out, stiffening when he felt James put his arms around him. He fought with himself not to be soothed, but James was just so familiar and it wasn't really fair, but James always calmed Kendall down when he hugged him like that.

"I'm sorry, so fucking sorry." James whispered as Kendall continued to cry into his shirt.

They spent a long few minutes like that, James whispering soothing phrases into Kendall's ear as the blond let out all of his pain, until finally Kendall was dry-eyed again and the brunet was smiling softly. Now he understood, Kendall maybe didn't mean everything in the world to him, but he meant enough that he didn't want to be famous unless he could share it with the blonde. He knew there would be a lot to answer for when he got back to LA, but he pushed those thoughts away and instead smiled gently at Kendall as the blonde pulled away and wiped his face.

"So, I know there's not anything I can do to take back what I did, but I would love the chance to try and make it up to you... Kendall, will you go to dinner with me tonight, please?" he asked, looking almost as scared as he had that time when they were seven and the school bully had threatened to pound his "pretty little face" in.

Kendall let out a weak laugh and shook his head in slight amusement. "Okay. But don't expect this to just go away." He saw James' face light up and smiled softly. "You're gonna have to work for this Diamond."

James nodded with enthusiasm and then turned his attention to Logan, who was in the background, lips pursed and looking a little like he wanted to tell Kendall it was all a mistake. He sighed slightly and walked over to the shorter brunet. "Carlos, can I have a word with Logan please?" Logan looked slightly perplexed, but seemed okay enough with the idea, so he smiled and nodded gently when Carlos looked at him.

"It's fine Carlitos. just give us a minute." Carlos nodded slowly and relinquished his hold on Logan, moving over to where Kendall was and smiling gently at the blond.

James watched him go and then turned back to smile at Logan. "Okay, so, I don't blame you for being mad at me, actually, I want to thank you, everything you said, while some of it pissed me off, actually helped me realize how much I really did fuck all of this up. You're a really great friend Logan, and I don't blame you for not trusting me, but just give me a chance to prove I can work this out this time. Please?"

Logan sighed. He really wanted to tell James to fuck off and get the hell back out of their lives, but there were at least two problems with that; first, Kendall obviously wanted to give James a chance to fix his mistake, and even though Logan didn't quite think he deserved it, he knew he owed to the blond to give it a chance; and secondly, more importantly even, he could also see the genuine regret and care in James' eyes. He didn't know what had happened out in LA, but James had obviously learned that Kendall was his better half, and Logan owed it to his own principle to give the pretty boy a chance.

"Alright, fine. But one chance only. If you hurt Kendall again, I will break you, and if you come out unscathed, you will not get anywhere near him ever again." Logan said, stressing his demands and nodding curtly.

James nodded seriously. "Deal." He said simply and then turned to walk away, stopping when he felt Logan's hand on his arm.

Logan sighed, not sure what exactly was compelling him to express himself, but knowing he should do it anyway. "Look, James, I know you didn't mean to do that to him, but he wouldn't be able to survive being hurt like that again, just be careful, please."

James nodded again, this time slower and with a soft smile. "Don't worry Logie, I've fucked this up one time too many. It's not a mistake I'll repeat."


Ending Notes: I spent a long time debating if I should add anything to the end of this once I got it to where it is. I don't think it's necessary. If anything, it needs a "part 2" but that's a project for another time. Hope you liked it~.