Chapter 9: We've got obsessions
Even the most hardened environmentalists couldn't argue that Donald J. Trump had suffered a grave injustice at the hands of Mother Nature. Stealing a man's toupee is a line which simply isn't meant to be crossed.
"That was no gull. It was a communist! A juvenile delinquent! The talk show... Tar and damnation!" trumpeted Trump.
Peridot, feeling the closest thing to sympathy she could, attempted to console (sort of) Trump: "Maybe you could visit Beach City's general store? I'm sure they have a hair enhancer department there."
"No! Me, Donald Trump, the humble millionaire, whose board games people play, whose programs they watch on TV, who they admire, me, I will go without my toupee! I will not hide myself from the cameras. Let the whole world see that no one is safe, not even in Beach City! Unless I'm elected, of course - I'll make America safe again! And great again! In the meantime, I'll get the local National Guard to turn this town inside out! Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do! Gulls simply don't steal things they can't eat, unless someone has been training them... Frigging terrorists! There will be martial laws and curfews!"
The idea of armed troops stomping their feet on the streets of Beach City didn't appeal to Peridot, unless if she was in charge. Unfortunately, she didn't have a weapon.
Peridot remembered that Garnet had often explained that unwanted attention was the last thing the hometown of the Gems needed. Perhaps the Guard didn't need to get involved? "Wait! I have an idea!" Peridot exclaimed.
Despite the sudden tragedy, the possibility of a solution caught Trump's attention. "Oh? Well, let's hear it, then!"
As Trump wasn't a native to Beach City, Peridot decided to sell her idea instead of merely telling it. "Well, you see, we don't exactly have national guards anywhere near Beach City. We have something better: the Crystal Gems! We're like Charlie's Angels, but we're even more stunning! Take Steven, for example - he can stun any criminal with a proper bash of his shield!"
"A shield? A sword would be better."
"Well he has a sword too, and he's not afraid to use it!"
"Are you saying that your squad will avenge my toupee?" asked Trump, lifting one eyebrow.
"No! Yes! I mean, I could do that on my own. I would call upon their help only if I needed reinforcements. Even though they aren't as intelligent as me, they are battle hardened veterans."
"Please tell me more, Miss Peridot."
"Well, you see, there are five official Crystal Gems:
1) Pearl. A mechanical genius, just like me. She also has a strange dancing fighting style. A stuck up gem with a heart of gold.
2) Steven. Still in training, but he has the potential to become our leader.
3) Amethyst! An excellent shape shifter and a tough fighter. In addition, she has an adequate sense of humor."
"Hm, of course. I mean, really?" Trump commented.
"Yes, really, of course," Peridot said. "Anyway, where was I? Oh, right, number 4:
4) Peridot. That's me! I'm the gem behind the gem behind the gem. Hm, I spoke too much already... moving on:
5) Garnet, our current leader. She throws a mean punch. She's a fusion of two gems, actually, so she's something of a fusion expert, too.
Lapis hasn't officially taken the title yet. So that makes five 'official' Crystal Gems. Together, we protect the Earth and..."
"That's six," Trump pointed out.
"What?"
"If Garnet is a fusion of two gems, doesn't that make six gems in total? Remember that a businessman must always know how to count!"
"Oh, right. Good point, but Garnet is fused all the time, so for the sake of convenience, we consider her to be one person. And to be even more precise: Steven is a half gem, but his gem is a full gem. Well, my point is: five or six Gems could bring down any communist government in a week. One Gem will be more than enough for a simple mission of crime investigation. That one Gem will be me. Every general knows to keep some of the troops in reserves!"
"Well, I like your enthusiasm, miss Crystal. Tell you what: my talk show appearance will take place in a couple of days. If you can get the job done by then, I'll very be grateful to you and Beach City. I think I can make you all official citizens! What do you say to that?"
"Yay!" is all Peridot could say.
"Oh, and no matter what happens, I'll have something to show for the UNESCO thing soon. I got this Dewey guy working on it. You fixed my car, and... well, unlike corrupt politicians, I keep my promises."
"Wow, that is so cool! I'd like to ask you something. Can you think of anyone who would want to steal your toupee?" asked Peridot. Even though the culprit had been a gull, the customer was always right, so if the customer insisted that there was some sinister force behind the attack...
"I see you're on the job already. Very well, let me see... Well, I don't have much enemies. Except for Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, CNN and the rest of leftist media (a.k.a. fake news), illegal immigrants, legal immigrants, communists, democrats, republican turncoats, my former chauffeur Kevin - I called him a clod the other day - Hollywood, Cuba, Russia, China, Canada, Europe and maybe part of Australia.
I must admit that I don't think Hillary would do this to me. For all our disagreements, we have a mutual respect about these things, her and me. She knows I would never steal her toupee, so she wouldn't steal mine. Only Kevin knows I'm here in Beach City... but as far as I know, he can't transform into a gull."
"Transform into a gull..." echoed Peridot. "Note to self: must investigate further."
"Yeah, please investigate, Miss Crystal. Oh, and here's a little gift for you," said Trump, handing Peridot a pair of sunglasses.
"What are these?" she asked.
"They are called Authority Glasses. They're made in China, but it's an American design. An American design! You put'em on, and you'll find that you can solve any crime in this country. There's nothing in the world you can't deal with once you're wearing them. Especially if you have some muscle and firepower, too! 'Bubble' the hooligans at your own discretion. Good luck! We'll speak later."
Trump got into the limousine and backed out of the barn. Peridot was relieved to see that the car operated normally: it didn't explode. She wondered what kind of a proposal Trump had wanted to make, but there was no time for speculation. She had a job to do: follow the evidence and see where it would lead her, and then beat the living snot out of the thieves.
"A thieving gull," she said, adjusting her visors so she could don the sunglasses. "Well, it looks like I just have to wing it!"
Yeah!
"Hmm, I'll do another motivational mini speech." She removed her sunglasses and put them back on. "Well, it looks like this will be a wild goose chase!"
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
-o- (whoops, I'm supposed to be in the middle!)
-o-
(OK, much better)
Meanwhile, Steven and Connie had wreaked havoc on the virtual battlefield. "We got the enemy convoy!" exclaimed Connie. "Funny how they had camouflaged their ammo trucks as Red Cross vehicles. It's just like Sun Tzu said: all warfare is based on deception. Well, we better return to base now. The reds must have seen the explosions!"
"Good idea! Oh, there's a plane flying over us! Wait, false alarm. It has white crosses on black squares. It's a Hungarian fighter," Steven said, displaying his knowledge of old national insignia.
"Well, let's hope whoever is flying that thing understands that we're on the same side... Ah, there's the runway now."
Connie lined up their Junkers 87 dive bomber with the runway. "On the sausage. Navigation lights on." Gradually reducing throttle (but not too much) and lowering the flaps, she brought the terrible war machine down safely. She guided the plane off the runway towards the parking area. "Schwertfisch Ein is off the active." The flight controller didn't respond, the lazy bum. Once the plane came to a full stop, she brought up the game menu and hit "End flight."
"This is flight captain Connie Maheswaran. Thank you for choosing Eismeer Airlines. Please ignite your cigarettes at the flight terminal!" she joked. "Hm, I wonder if Hanna Reitsch ever test flew this plane."
"Hanna who?" Steven asked.
"Oh, she was a German test pilot during the second world war. But after the war, she won several soaring competitions. I was doing a school project about her, but then I got into a fight with my mom and... Oh, shoot!"
"Connie?" said Steven, his voice full of concern.
"Steven, you know I don't want to pour my problems on you..."
"Well, if you can tell me what happened, I can at least listen. I'm not having any crisis myself right now, so..."
"All right then," said Connie. "My mom thinks that if I give a presentation about someone who once worked for the bad guys makes me a target for bullying. She's being overprotective! I mean, we've fought corrupted gems, and I can handle myself. And I have friends I can rely on, right?"
Steven thought about it. "Yeah! And most people would understand that even if you gave a presentation about someone like Yellow Diamond, it wouldn't make you a Homeworld supporter or anything. I mean, if you don't start specifically praising her or anything."
"Yes! Common sense... it's wonderful! The best antidote against hysteria!" exclaimed Connie. "Understanding someone isn't the same thing as siding with them. Hm, is there a reason why you mentioned Yellow Diamond? She hasn't begun an attack on Earth yet, has she?"
"No, it's just that I keep thinking about how Yellow Diamond tried to comfort Blue Diamond, and I kinda feel sorry for them both. I understand why Homeworld gems like Yellow Diamond and Jasper want me dead, but that's just one reason I will fight them. And until I know the full story about my mom's actions, I can't make a full judgment about them - about anyone. I don't think my mom would want me to."
A sudden realization hit Connie. Even though Steven could eventually come to understand Rose's decision to shatter Pink Diamond, he would never get to spend time with his mother. He could never argue with her. He could never hug her.
"Oh, Steven... I feel so selfish right now! You never got to know your mother. At least I have one. I think."
"It's OK. Have you decided what you're going to do?"
Connie had a very determined look on her face. "I have an idea. I'm not canceling my 'Projekt H.R.' Instead, I'll just change one 'minor' detail and give my presentation! If people get offended, too bad. I'll just feed them to Lion, if that's OK with you."
"Sorry, but that will have to wait. Lion's been gaining weight, so humans are off the menu for now," said Steven. He and Connie shared a much welcome laugh.
"So, what did you think of this game?" asked Steven.
"It was kind of fun, at least once the action starts. That, and it's another fine example of how a real tragedy has been sanitized and turned into our entertainment. We've never been to a real war, have we? We don't exactly live in a war zone. I guess this is what actual privilege feels like, instead of that nonsense you see written all over the socialist... I mean social media?"
"Ha, ha, you used the p-word!"
"Well, it's about time someone appropriated it for use in a civilized conversation. But do you think we could enjoy war games and movies if we had really been in a war?"
"I don't really know. I'm not sure I want to find out. We have been in a few battles, but it's not like we ever had to shatter anyone. Or kill anyone. So, should we feel guilty or lucky if we enjoy games or movies like 'Saving Private Ryan' and 'Pearl Harbor'? Huh, I once read that war veterans walked out of 'Pearl Harbor.' Could have been that the movie was bad, though."
"Maybe, but you forgot 'Independence Day!'" joked Connie. "Think about all those poor aliens! They just wanted some living space for themselves."
"Heh. Seriously though, at least we haven't started any wars. I hope we never do. It must be awful having to shoot at your fellow humans for real. When we poof and bubble corrupted gems, there's always a hope, no matter how small, that one day..."
Before Steven could finish his thought, Connie's phone beeped.
"Oh, a text message from dad. He's waiting for me at the Big Donut. I guess I'll have to face the inevitable, then," Connie said. She quickly texted her dad a reply.
As Connie got up, Steven had an idea. "Hey, you can borrow Lion, if you want."
"What, so I can feed my dad to him?" asked Connie, pretending to be shocked.
"No! Oh, you were joking, heh. I just thought you could ride Lion to the Big Donut and impress your dad. You know, let him see that you can handle a big, dangerous lion."
"Thanks, Steven, I appreciate it. Uh, where is Lion?"
"I think I saw him outside earlier. He was chasing seagulls. Let's go get him."
"Oh, by the way: do you have some gasoline and matches?"
There was fire already burning in Connie's eyes. This scared Steven. "Uh, yeah, but..."
"Great! Go fetch them."
After Steven had gone, Connie stepped out, picking up the abacus she had left on the porch. Finding a suitable spot near the water, she dug a small pit and cast the abacus in it. She saw the front door open. It was Steven, and he had indeed found a can of gas and some matches. "Over here, Steven!"
"What's this about... hey, is that the...?"
"Yes," Connie said. "It's the abacus my mom threatens me with. I think it used to belong to my grandmother."
Then why on Earth are you going to burn it? Steven thought. Why not simply hide it? But he couldn't get the words out of his mouth.
"It's sad, really," Connie continued. "It's the only thing I know about my grandmother - that she used to own an abacus. What do you think about that? And my mother just uses this to... god damn it. God damn it!"
"Is this... Is this your way getting back at your mom?" Steven asked.
"No. Not exactly," Connie said, already pouring gasoline on the abacus. "I don't know what my grandmother was like, but I certainly don't want to think that she was some kind of tyrant. I just don't want that, and I don't want to keep this abacus around anymore." She tossed the can as far as she could and lit a match. "To answer your question, though, I'm simply sending this abacus back to my grandma, wherever she is."
She then dropped the match on the abacus. The flames almost lashed at her, so she took a few steps back. Together with Steven, she watched the abacus burn. Soon, there wasn't much left of it.
Watching the smoke, Connie wondered if she would have any regrets. If she felt any regret at that moment, it was buried deep inside her psyche. In any case, what was done was done.
"Now that's over with, let's find Lion."
It didn't take long for Steven and Connie to find him. Lion was being very cooperative, probably sensing that the kids were in no mood of running around and chasing him.
"Steven?"
"What is it?"
"I was thinking about the battles we've fought - gems that have been poofed and bubbled by us, gems that are beyond our help. All that war stuff... well, it sucks. But at least there's Peridot and Lapis! You fixed Lapis' gemstone. You and the Crystal Gems pretty turned Peridot from an enemy into a friend. And we've done our best to make them feel at home here, and now we're keeping the Earth safe together. I guess that's something, right?"
"Yeah, not bad for a bunch of Gems, two mighty human warriors and this wonderful Lion here!"
Lion nodded approvingly.
Steven instructed Lion to take Connie to the Big Donut shop, and Lion had no objections. Connie waved Steven goodbye as she rode away.
-o-
Lapis Lazuli heard an exaggerated "yeah!" coming from the ground floor. It sounded like Peridot, but she couldn't be sure, so she decided to go and check on her. "Peridot? Did that human leave already?" Lapis asked after noticing that the car was gone.
"Um, well, yes, he did..." Peridot stammered.
"Well...?"
Peridot remembered that she was wearing the Authority Glasses. With great Authority there must also come great Power. And with Power comes Responsibility, which is a bummer. Where there is crime, there must also be Sylvester Stallone with a jatimatic. Jesus! Did she say that out loud?
"Peridot? What are you mumbling about responsibility, bums and Sylvester Stallone?"
"Nothing! I mean, there's been a change of schedule, but only for a little while. As a matter of fact, something big has come up, and I could really use your help!"
"My instincts are telling me to stop listening right now, but my curiosity gets the better of me. Peridot, I'm a little sensitive to obvious schemes that will only end badly. Even if they don't, they are nothing but a waste of time. Well, go ahead, what exactly do you need help with?"
Peridot explained Lapis about the gull attack and how finding the toupee would help set the Beach City's DEFCON level back to 1. Lapis wasn't impressed.
"So, how about it? You can be my deputy. Shall we go and round up the usual suspects?" asked Peridot, full of renewed excitement. "Even though I don't exactly know what that means. But I can be the sheriff who interrogates people and when they refuse to talk, you can smack them on the back of their head!"
"No!" shouted Lapis. "I don't actually like using violence! You would know that if you ever really listened to me! Besides, why do YOU need to get involved? If you think this investigation is important, why don't you let the rest of the Gems take care of it? They know where to look and who to talk to!"
Now it was Peridot's turn to raise her voice. "Because if THEY solve this crime, THEY get all the credit, experience, honor, glory, money and new missions!"
"What do you need money for? And what new missions are you talking about? Suppose you'll be in Greece next, looking for the Golden Fleece? Then what? Don't you understand that it's not worth the time - time which could be spent on more important things!"
"Like WHAT?" Peridot yelled. She was completely lost in the ancient martial art of The Argument. One of the most important rules of Argument was that the practitioners must lose themselves completely to the heat of the moment and go with the flow. With the latest steps in the Argument's evolution, logic, reasoning, facts, respect, empathy and actual communication had become hindrances.
"Auugh!" Lapis yelled. She wasn't a beginner in The Game of Argument, either. It was time for her to engage the sarcasm mode. "I am undone. You win! O great Peridot, you are truly magnificent. In fact, I don't deserve to be your deputy! Perhaps you could assign your drones as your deputies and shoot down all the gulls in Beach City, one by one, until one of them gives up the location of the holy toupee! I will not stand in your way. That is the least I can do for you! I shall go take care of Pumpkin. She isn't usually bothered by my inferior intelligence. Good day." With that, Lapis bowed and once again flew out of the barn. This time, she headed for the corn fields. Searching for Pumpkin's hiding place might take her mind off her barn mate who could be so annoying at times.
Lapis Lazuli's sarcasm was lost on Peridot, however. "All right, so I win. And Lapis did give me an idea." She tried to snap her fingers and succeeded on the third try. Hearing the audible snap gave her even more confidence. She would definitely solve the crime (mostly) all by herself.
"Drones, get in here! We've got work to do."
-o-
Author's notes: I think that "Pearl Harbor" and "Independence Day" are two separate movies, but I can't be sure. They have exactly the same plot.
The title of this chapter is taken from "Obsessions" by Marina and the Diamonds. Any relevance to this fic? Not much... I think.
The word "obsessions", though... I think certain obsessions are key ingredients of writing fan fiction.
ESPÒ NOUVÈL: Usain Bolt's muscle exploded in the 4 x 100 m relay in LONDON! What drama! Still, "Lightning" Bolt walked symbolically over the finish line. What a great man! He did his best, and so did everyone else. Long live the athletes, audiences and the organizers!
