CHAPTER 9-"MIND"

"I could be mean

I could be angry

You know I could be just like you"

She walked almost like a zombie down the corridors of Destiny, most of them being empty for the time being. It was very late in the night; most of the civilians were asleep or enjoying time alone in their quarters. She knew everyone else was too busy taking care of tasks on Destiny to worry about her suddenly walking the halls so late. She walked into the mess, not returning Sgt. Becker's smile. She did make her voice sound as if nothing was wrong, that nothing was out of the ordinary.

"How goes things?"

"Not so good. It's hard to come up with recipes when you have very limited sources."

"I know what you mean. Hey, I saved a bunch of Sage and Rosemary we were able to collect from that one planet. Why don't you let me take care of everyone's morning meals?"

"You…want to take over preparing the goop. Why?"

"Well, it sounds like you could use a break from the woes of everyone's hunger crisis. Plus, you deserve at least one morning off. Seriously, I don't mind. I enjoy cooking, even if it's just adding a few herbs to…goop. Plus, I wanted to do something nice for everyone. And it'd be good for me to know some different ways to prepare this goop."

"Kind of preparing yourself for feeding another mouth?"

"Exactly. Although we won't have to worry about feeding the baby goop at first."

"Need any help setting anything up?"

"No, go on Becker; go enjoy a quiet night and morning."

She started to watch him walk off, and almost let him get out the door. But she called out to him, stopping him in his tracks.

"Actually Becker, there is something you can help me with…"


She whimpered a bit as Becker had sectioned her hair, and was now holding a section in his hands. He frowned a bit, as his other hand held a pair of scissors, fingers admiring the hair a bit.

"Are you sure about this, Lily? It must have taken years to grow your hair out like this."

"It did. I never cut my hair before, but it's time for a change. It's just layers, right?"

"Your bangs will be a lot shorter than the rest."

"Doesn't matter. It's time for a change. I think a more layered style will look nicer."

"You sure this isn't because you had that fight with Dr. Rush?"

She frowned a bit, surprised he had heard about the fight already. She was shocked to know word got around that quickly. But she supposed, with the lack of entertainment that everyone was probably used to, gossip being passed around was the only entertainment. Sure, they had iPods and the such, but even those got old after a while. She faked a tiny smile, just to put Becker at ease.

"So, you've already heard about that? No, I was thinking of cutting my hair the moment I found out I had gotten pregnant. Plus, that many years without changing my hair. It's time for one."

"I can't promise it won't all grow back. Pregnancy hormones, I know, makes hair grow quicker."

"And thicker. I know. But for now, I trust in you to give me a new look."

"Okay."

And that was the end of that, as she started to hear the first snips of the scissor blades cutting through golden locks of hair. She would watch pieces fall to the ground, almost sad to see her hair being cut. It took a good two hours, but once Becker was finished, she was impressed. She felt like a new woman, and her hair seemed a bit more manageable. And now with bangs that framed her face and eyes, and beautiful layers cut throughout the length of her hair. It was a very attractive look.

"I kept a good bit of the length for you, but you still had a good bit cut off."

"Yeah I know. I really like it."

"It looks nice."

"Thanks Becker."

"I could be fake

I could be stupid

You know I could be just like you"

She watched him walk off for good, making her way over to the station that held the measuring cup they had fashioned, along with all the bowls and cups. She worked like a zombie, no emotion on her face, as she grabbed a few things out of her bag. She carefully set the vial of yellow liquid aside, as she sat at a table. Laying the Sage and Rosemary out, and using the back of a spoon, she worked a good couple of hours grinding the herbs real fine. Gathering the ground up herbs in a cup, she laid all the bowls out in front of her next. Taking the vial, she walked around the bowls, distributing only a couple of drops in each, until the vial was completely empty. Then, she snuck the empty vial back into her pocket.

She had gained enough information from the aliens to know that the substance wouldn't really work to their advantage, until it was heated. To cover up the substance in the bowls, she measured out the powder in each bowl, and took them aside to her station. By the time it was morning, the mess was in full swing. And because so many came in at one time, it was very easy for her to heat up (using Greer's invention) the goop that contained some of the ground up herbs and the substance inside. She watched civilians and military alike eat the goop as if it was going out in style. They commented that the goop just being heated up seemed to be a better pallet option. And the herbs, when cooked, added a bit of flavor. She'd smile, say thank you, and carry on like a zombie to feed the next person.

It wasn't until the people they wanted to target, came into the mess, that she grew slightly nervous. But she gave them all a smile, and setting their pre-made, heated bowls of goop on their tables. In this group, Eli, Chloe, Scott, T.J., Colonel Young, Greer, Camille, Park, Brody, Riley and a few of the late morning civilians were now sitting down to eat. She saw Eli gawking at her, probably because of the new haircut. She ignored the gawking, looking at the single bowl sitting there. She knew there was only one person left, and she knew exactly who it was. She frowned a bit, starting to prepare it, knowing he was going to show up late.

Once Eli was finished, he was starting to bring his empty bowl and spoon back up to her, but they both stopped when Rush walked in finally. The mess, that had been full of morning chatter, suddenly became dead silent. So everyone on board had heard about the fight then. And because they both were in the mess now, together, made everyone uncomfortable. Either that, or others were waiting to see if Round 2 of the fight was about to commence. He had been up all night, she could tell by his face alone. So he walked in without taking any real notice to anyone.

She walked past Eli, Rush's goop all prepared, and she silently walked over to Rush's table. She didn't say a single word; as she set the bowl down in front of him, waiting for him to acknowledge the fact that it was time to eat. She saw Eli's mouth gaping a bit, and his mind trying to analyze just what the hell was happening. He probably assumed that because they had the fight, they would be completely ignoring one another. So her preparing his breakfast in the wake of a huge fight did seem out of place. But she gave him a look that silently told him to please mind his own business.

Finally, Rush looked up enough to see the bowl sitting there, but his face turned up, probably thinking he'd see Becker. She saw him almost do a double take, at the fact that she had been the one to prepare the meals this morning. But she was a little surprised when his eyes were studying her hair, taking in the fact that she had cut it. Cleared her throat as she walked away from his table, and went behind the station. Grabbing a mug, she filled it up with water, before she grabbed her own bowl. The one she had prepared, that had the substance cooked in as well, and had snuck away.

This was her way of proving to the aliens that she was faithful. She had to put herself into the situation; that was the agreement. If she did, then they knew they could trust her to put their real plan into motion, and that the mind control device was active and working. If she didn't, then they knew the device was not working, she had free will, had denied their plan of action, and they would probably kill her. She almost denied the plan and the device, because she didn't want to hurt Rush. But now, she only cared about protecting her child; anyone be damned, including Rush.

Mixing her bowl of goop up more as she walked, she sat down at the table Chloe and Eli were sitting at. They had already ate, but she wasn't going to sit anywhere else. She took a spoonful, her ears confirming that Rush was eating, but she could feel his eyes on her. After a moment, she tensed as she heard Rush get up from his table, to sit at the empty one across from her table. She kept the scowl on her face as she continued to eat, trying to act as if he didn't phase her.

"You cut your hair. Why?"

"Why not?"

"You thought you were standing beside me

You were only in my way

You're wrong if you think I'll be just like you"

She asked back in return, not looking up at him, and taking another bite. She didn't even care if she already knew what this stuff was going to do to herself and to everyone else. She was more nervous about Rush sitting there now, watching her, than she was about what was to come. He was still watching her while he ate, and it was starting to become uncomfortable. She had decided to say something, before he interrupted.

"It looks nice."

"You thought you were there to guide me

You were only in my why

You're wrong if you think that I'll be just like you"

Was he trying to be nice? Trying to butter her up? Why? He had made it perfectly clear that he honestly didn't get all the signs and signals that she had loved him, did love him. Didn't give a damn about that, or the fact that she had been carrying his child. Even threatened her child, in her eyes, at least. He didn't care, why should he now? He wanted her to forgive him, so he could carry on with his life without the guilt. No, she wanted him to learn what he had lost. She wanted him to feel exactly how she felt, when he tore her heart out. She shrugged, no emotion on her face or in her voice.

"Don't care if it didn't."

"I could be cold

I could be ruthless

You know I could be just like you"

She simply said, eating her last bite and getting up from the table. Since he had long finished his bowl, she quickly snatched the empty bowl out of his hands, and walked to the station. It was a silent cue to let him know to get the fuck out of the room, now. Grunting, he got up abruptly and marched out of the mess, which was a cue to everyone else who was in the mess to get the hell out now. The rest of them quickly scrambled to get up from their tables, gather the empty bowls, give them to her, and then leave quickly. As she was left all alone in the mess, she signed a shaky breath, and felt a tear roll down her face. What was to come may teach Rush a lesson, or it may hurt him so badly, that she'd never get him back. But she had already made up her mind and the aliens' plan was already in motion. And this may very well teach Rush a very important lesson.

"I can be mean

I can be angry

You know I could be just like you."


Chaos. That was the only word she could use to describe what was happening on the Destiny now. Everyone was experiencing the hallucinations now, and they couldn't tell whether they were just hallucinations, or their greatest fears and fantasies coming true. There was a mixture of crying, screaming, moaning, and panting littering the corridors. Civilians and military alike were either chasing others at gunpoint or running away. Others were caught kissing people whom they either dreamt about being with or figured they never would be with. Others dreamt they were seeing dead ones or the family they desperately were missing back on Earth at that moment. Blinking, she remembered she had thought she had seen her daughter again, running up and down the corridors. And she swore she saw for the first time, how her mom's death happened. How being born caused her mother to lose her life.

Turning her head a moment and kneeling down, she felt bile rising up her throat. Taking a shaky breath, she managed to control not getting sick. When she stood up, she felt someone grabbing her arm and yanking her forward. Grunting, she gasped as she saw the angry face of Colonel Young. In the back of her mind, where she managed to hold onto a shred of reality, she knew this had to be a nightmare of hers. The one she was truly dreading since she agreed to put this plan into motion. Sure, she thought the Colonel wasn't doing such a good job running this crew. And she was still rather sour about Young leaving her and Rush on that planet. And how Young really didn't get along with Rush, and caused more problems than resolving them. But deep down in her heart, he was a friend. And she feared once he found out what she's done, he'd get so mad that he would exile her. This was that nightmare coming true.

"So, you poisoned everyone, so that you could stir up panic and chaos on the ship. On my ship-"

"This ship isn't yours as much as it is anybody's. But yes, I did. I admit it. I did poison everyone, so that they would hallucinate their darkest fears and fantasies. I did it, because I allowed myself to get angry at Rush. And that caused my mind to be weak enough for them to take control. They controlled me. I wanted to fight back, I just couldn't. They implanted a device in the back of my skull, nestled at the base of the back of my brain, just above my spine. It can't be removed. There's nothing I can do to stop this."

"It doesn't matter. You betrayed everyone and you are now dubbed as a danger and threat to the people aboard this ship. And as commanding Colonel, I have decided that you will be exiled. Banished, from continuing on this ship. You will be dropped off at the next habitual planet of my choosing, where you will be left to your own defenses."

"You can't do that without touching bases with General O'Neil and Stargate Command first! I know my rights!"

"Your rights have been stripped from you. Move it, you'll be put in confinement until we reach the planet."

"Let go of me, I want to see Rush first! What about my unborn child? You'll be murdering her too."

"How do you even know it's a girl?"

His question somehow managed to break this particular nightmare of hers. It allowed clarity to come forth, and the hallucination subsided. Young gazed into her face, his own face showing confusion and doubt. He let her go and he simply walked off in the other direction. Panting some she started to walk off down the other direction, grunting as Scott slammed into her. She heard him call out "Matthew!" before he ran off again. She continued walking, seeing Eli walking around with a bunch of women hanging on his arms. Camille, Chloe, probably even herself, and that made her chuckle to herself. So one of Eli's fantasies was to have the attention and admiration of most of the females on board? It also made her realize that maybe Eli was even attracted to her.

As she continued to walk the dark corridors of the Destiny, she managed to find one that was completely empty and quiet.

As she continued to walk, the corridor started to shift into a carpeted hallway, with light pouring through. Up ahead, she could see large sliding doors, the curtains being drawn back to allow the setting sunlight to pour in. As she walked closer to the doors, she noticed that one door was open that allowed a nice, cool breeze to come in. The breeze hit her face, blowing back her long hair and the white silk fabric of her dress. She inhaled briefly and could smell the ocean. She finally reached the doors and stepped outside, onto the balcony that overlooked the beach. She could hear the seagulls in the distance, the crashing waves against the beach. She closed her eyes, allowing the sun's warmth and glow to caress her face, the breeze to comfort her. This was Heaven.

Arms suddenly came up behind her and wrapped around her waist. Strong arms, arms she were so familiar with, and yet, so taboo. A knowing smile graced her face as she felt his breath against her ear. They nuzzled some, as they both just stood there, holding one another. Taking in the beauty of the beach and the sunset that was there before them.

"It's beautiful, but not as beautiful as you."

She turned and faced him, the setting sun allowing the amber in his eyes to shine. A hand rose to his face and rubbed along his cheek. She felt the prickling hairs of his beard against her skin, simply admiring him. They gazed into one another's eyes, and she took a moment to bite her bottom lip. This time, he clearly got the message. This time, there was no hesitation; only want.

His arms secured her body, by pulling her closer. With one hand cradling his cheek and the other now running through his hair, they closed the distance. Her lips touched his first, in a sweet and gentle kiss. He was the one who deepened the kiss, when his tongue pushed opened her mouth. They continued to kiss, passionately and deeply. It felt as if this was supposed to happen, they were made for one another. She got chills and heat flashes at the same time; felt sparks radiating all throughout her body. They were one.

He pulled away, after what seemed like an eternity and timeless at the same time, and gave her a smile. His hand came up and pushed the stray hairs out of her face, before it lingered against her cheek.

"I love you."

"I love you too Nick."

Suddenly, Rush was gone, and so was the beautiful beach and sunset. So, that had been a fantasy of hers. A tear fell down her cheek, wondering if she would actually get a taste of that fantasy. Would she ever see a beach again, or a sunset? Would she ever get to kiss Nicholas, and maybe get the chance to be loved and wanted by him? Just when she was about to scold herself, she heard him suddenly, screaming. Panic rose in her heart and she quickly rushed down the corridors, hanging onto his voice.

"Nick!"

His hands beat against the glass, against this boxed in prison he was in. He was all too familiar with this and he felt himself starting to panic. As his breathing got quicker, he could see it fog up the glass. He tried to find an opening, maybe a crack, anything that may allow him to escape. The box wasn't even that big, just large enough to hold one person. His heart rate quickened as he suddenly heard the sound of water being drained into the holding tank. He could feel the cold water at his feet, and he felt panic and fear rising in him. He continued to beat on the glass, in a means to find an way out. The bitter cold water continued to rise, it seemed even quicker, as there was no way out. By the time it had reached his chest, it was getting harder to move, and he started to bang on the glass and scream out.

"Help!"

He gasped, stepping back against the far side of the tank, as he saw one run up to the holding tank. It stopped and was just looking at him. He didn't even care if the water was almost up to his chin now, he was just so afraid of what this alien might do to him. When he looked closer though, that's when his heart stopped. It was wearing Lillith's pendant. His heart stopped when he caught a glimpse of its forearm; that had only one small patch of pale, human skin left on it. Swallowing bile down, he knew in his heart this alien was Lillith.

He suddenly had to take a quick breath, as the water finally submerged him completely. His hands moved forward, placing themselves on the glass as he slowly moved forward. Although he was trying not to show it, his eyes showed just how terrified he was. The fact that he was completely underwater, seeing an alien, seeing her as an alien. They also showed that he wasn't completely trusting her. She almost wanted to cry, seeing the pleading look in his eyes. Asking her for help, but at the same time, not completely trusting her motives. Unsure if she was a friend or foe now. She wasn't even truly believing the fact that she was able to tap in and see his nightmare; to see what he was seeing. She rushed forward just as the nightmare was fading away.

The tank gone, her arms wrapped themselves around Nick's waist, and they both fell back. They grunted, as his back hit the floor and she slammed her body against his. She was grateful his body caught her fall, not wanting to fall onto her pregnant stomach. In the same sense, she realized she had just crashed into Nick. She heard him panting and saw him looking around, confused. She was confused at this point too. How was she able to tap in like that? Was it because they shared the same fear? He was afraid she'd become one of them, and turn on him. And she was definitely afraid of becoming completely one of them and hurting everyone.

She frowned, suddenly realizing that's what was happening. She wasn't a full alien, but she continued to turn into one of them. And she was hurting everyone right now; she had allowed them to take control.

"Lillith?"

She gasps as she hears him call out her name, pushing against him so she could get to her feet. Sobbing, she hurried down the corridor, as fast as her legs could carry her. At first, she thought maybe no one was following her, but she heard footsteps and she tried to run faster. Her eyes widen at what she sees ahead.

There were a ton of them, all waiting for her. They grabbed her the moment she was near them, and she tried to fight against them.

"Let me go!"

She even heard herself chittering like them, using their alien tongue. She could understand their chittering back; angry chatter. They were upset with her; she had not kept up with her agreement to the plan, and now, they were going to take the gift they had bestowed upon her. They dragged her to the examination table, throwing her on top. They strapped her down quickly, and she noticed they weren't going to even sedate her. No, they wanted her to feel the pain, internal and external.

She shivered as she saw them all surround her, the leader taking out the proper tools that would be needed. It all happened so quickly, and yet, it seemed like a lifetime to her. It hurt so badly, so badly her bottom lip was bleeding profusely. Her knuckles cracked from gripping the bottom of the seat. She felt as if she was dying; maybe she was. It seemed like a blur, and it definitely was a nightmare as she finally saw them extract and birth her child. She knew it had to be a nightmare; this was a hallucination. Her baby wasn't full grown quite yet. But there she was, fully term, and as beautiful as ever.

Tears fell down her eyes as they took her away. She reached her hands out, shivering and whimpering out.

"Please, give me my baby girl!"

She begged of them, watching the leader grab another scalpel. What happened next, she did feel her heart stop, and her entire world crumbled down. The leader cut her daughter's throat, her baby's throat, and simply let her bleed to death.

"NO! NO! YOU FUCKING MONSTERS!"

She cried, unable to stop sobbing. Her baby was her everything; her reason for living, aside from Nicholas. And when she managed to look up again, her eyes widened and she died inside. The leader was Nicholas, and he looked happy to have gotten rid of their daughter.

"Nicholas, how could you?"

Looking around frantically, she noticed she was back on Destiny. This was getting to be too intense now. She hadn't realize how Nick's reaction to her pregnancy had affected her that much. She knew Nick would never be able to do that, not kill an innocent child, not like that. And yet, she had already accepted her motherly roles, she wasn't sure who would protect or hurt her child. Bile did come up, and she sank to her knees and got sick. She noticed she threw up about half of her breakfast, shivering a bit. Maybe her hallucinations wouldn't be as bad now. Realizing she wasn't hallucinating for the time being, her hands quickly went to investigate her stomach.

When she felt the pregnant swell of it, she sobbed out in happiness and relief. She leaned herself against the wall, still stroking her belly. Tears rolling down her eyes, she spoke softly down to her stomach.

"I won't let anyone hurt you. But I've hurt your father, really badly. I hope he won't take it out on you. I…didn't mean to make it seem like I don't want him in your life. I want him to be. …I just hope he finds it in his heart to forgive me. Or I can find a way to end this all."


He rubbed the stress from his face, panting to himself. He finally managed to escape those aliens. And now there was work to be done. He sat at a console, as the screen brought up information on a planet that Destiny was within reach of. He looked up as Colonel Young came into the control room, asking what it was they had.

"We've reached another planet. Atmosphere is good, temperature is damned near perfect…"

He turned around to look at the countdown, smirking some to himself.

"48 hours on the countdown. Plenty of water and looks like greenery. So there is the possibility of food and plants for medicinal purposes."

"So we need to gather an away team. I'll get to it."

So he stood as he watched everyone suit up. This was a pretty big away team, but the Kino footage showed he was correct. Plenty of water, food, plants; it was perfect. Some wanted to go just to get off of Destiny for several hours. Others were going to help gather food and water to bring back on board. He decided to stay behind; to control the ship and make sure things remained all right. He watched everyone suit up, from Chloe to the Colonel, to Brody to Eli. Even Lily was right behind them, suiting up to go on the planet.

He sighed a bit to himself, unsure if she should really go or not. She was after all, pregnant with his child. But he honestly couldn't tell her to not do something if she wanted to. The fresh air and sunlight probably would be a good thing for her. He nodded to everyone, once he saw they were all ready to go, and watched them off. It wasn't for another 36 hours until he got word that the away team was on their way back. But something was different this time; something had been off in the Colonel's voice.

When the away team came back on board, everyone looked like pure hell. Pale, leaky eyes and noses. Some were coughing as if they were trying to hack up their own lungs. Others were feverish and were having a hard time keeping conscious. Even Lillith was pale, hairline beaded with sweat, and it looked like Death was breathing down her neck. In fact, everyone looked like as if Death was knocking on their doors. He ordered everyone into the infirmary, no complaints out of anyone, and gathered whomever he could to help him access the situation.

He grunted to himself; this wasn't good at all. They all had come into contact with some kind of air borne disease, while visiting the planet. Now he had to not only quarantine the remaining civilians, military, and scientists on board away from the ones infected, he had quarantined himself. He often asked himself why, why was he doing this? One by one, he simply watched as the infected people on Destiny started to slowly lose the battle to the disease, and die.

Chloe and Eli had been one of the first to go. They had managed to say their goodbyes to everyone, and one another, before they lost their lives. Lisa and Brody hadn't been too far behind, along with TJ. That had been painful to watch, a pregnant woman dying, along with the unborn child. It had been too hard on Young, and he allowed his body to let the disease take him soon afterwards. James, Scott and Greer held on for as long as they could, before they too, submitted to the disease. The infirmary was slowly turning into a morgue.

When it was finally just Lillith left, trying to hold onto her own life, he just couldn't take it anymore. He suddenly didn't care whether or not he might catch the same disease and lose his own life. He hurried out of the control room, hurrying into the infirmary. He tried not to get sick, as the smell and sight of the ones who had lost their lives, was heavy in the room. He grabbed her frail body as he hurried out of the infirmary, making it into his quarters. He placed her on the bed, shaking his head as he realized their child had long since died within her womb. He felt a tug and a sting at his heart, and swallowed bile that wanted to rise.

He took a seat beside her, his hand carefully grabbing hers. He felt her close her hand around his, but she was so weak, she could barely hold on. She opened her eyes, but they were so clouded over and they had lightened a great deal; they almost looked white. It was a clear indication to him that she didn't have much time.

"I'm dying Nick."

She told him, her voice so soft and cracking. She sounded sad, but at the same time, she knew she was dying. Her voice sounded like a dying woman who had accepted her fate. He didn't know what to say, not able to voice a single word. Although, within his mind, he could hear his conscious speaking. He had failed another woman he truly cared about, in her time of need. He was allowing another important woman in his life die. Another woman that he loved. Wait, that was it, he loved her, didn't he? That's why his heart felt so heavy. That's why it felt like he couldn't catch his breath, felt his throat tightening, felt the bile rising in his throat. He loved her like he had his wife. Like he still does love his wife. He always would, but this woman. He had ignored the love that was there. And now, he was letting all that go; letting her go. He had failed her.

Guilt washed over him like a tidal wave, and as he looked down to tell Lillith that he loved her, his eyes widened. He felt the tears stinging his eyes, feeling them roll down his cheek. He felt himself shaking, his hand still latched onto her lifeless one. Her eyes were closed and he realized her chest was not rising and falling. She was completely still and starting to feel cold to the touch. He had let her die. So many emotions boiled within him: sadness, guilt, rage, disgust, and fear, every one of them. After a moment, he finally heard himself sob out, still gazing into her beautiful face. Even when dead, she did look beautiful.

He didn't even care what he was doing, lifting her hand and kissing the top of it. He shook, too afraid to let go of her hand; to afraid to leave her now. He shook his head, at himself, at how ashamed he was. At how stupid, how greedy, and how guilty he truly was. Still holding onto her hand, even though she would never hear his voice again, he spoke to her.

"I let you down, just like I let Gloria down. Do you see why I don't deserve you? All I'll do is end up hurting you or killing you. I'm a bastard, who doesn't deserve any shred of happiness that you've given me. God, I loved you. I love you. I was too damn proud to say it. Too stupid to realize it too late."

He didn't even know if he could truly feel like a human being anymore. Because on the inside, he felt more of himself dying. Just like he felt like a part of him died with Gloria. Swallowing, he still held onto her cold hand, rubbing the outside of it. More tears rolled down his face as he gazed into hers.

"I should have noticed you more. Should have listened to you. You were trying to get me to see it all along. Fuck Lillith, you were my rock. And now, I don't even know how to be without you. I don't even deserve to ask for your forgiveness, but please forgive me Lillith. I'm sorry I let you die. I'm sorry I didn't love you, and cared for you more. Please…"

"How could I ever forgive you Nicholas?"

He heard her voice, although it was low and filled with callous. He gasped as he looked up and saw her standing there. No, that couldn't be her, she was still lying in bed, dead. But there she was, standing there, although she still looked rather dead. Panting, he watched as she raised her hand, and pointed an accusing finger in his direction. Her voice was still filled with rage, hate, disgust, and venom.

"I will never, ever, forgive you for killing me and my child…"

"It-it wasn't me-"

"Yes it was Nicholas, and you know it!"

"No…no I didn't mean…I didn't mean to let you…"

He felt himself crumble to his knees, shaking, head buried in his hands. She was right; he deserved this. He allowed them both to die, his true loves. And also, he allowed his unborn child to die too. He truly deserved everything that was coming to him, and he was going to accept the fact that he was a cold-hearted bastard. He sobbed, he sobbed for the first time in a long time. He truly was afraid, scared, upset, and begging for forgiveness. Begging this was all a bad nightmare, begging that he could get the loving relief he often felt from Lillith. Anything, anything that may take this bad nightmare away.

"I'm sorry Lillith, I love you, please forgive me!"

She had been walking along the corridors again, something deep down told her that he was hurting somewhere. Soon, she found him in his quarters, down on his knees. He was shaking so badly, and she heard him sobbing within his hands. Frowning, she felt her own heart breaking, yearning to grab him in her arms. To comfort him and tell him it would be okay; that she would keep all the bad demons within his mind at bay. She saw herself in the distance, glaring at him full of hate and blame. Then she said her dead body lying on the bed, swallowing. So, this was his deepest fear; and it all clicked within her mind. She didn't have to tap too far within, to know that he had finally realized he did care for her. And he was worried of losing another person he so deeply cared for, and having that person blame him for the rest of his days. To think, that they would, and cause himself internal anguish and despair. This had to end, and now.

She stepped up to her evil, dead spirit, and glared at her. Before she completely walked through her, completely dissipating her. Her lifeless body on the bed slowly disappeared as well, until it was just her and Nicholas in the room. He was still on his knees, having allowed his pent up emotions overcome him. He had been bottling away too much for too long, and he didn't know how to resurface. He was drowning within himself; all his fears, emotions, personal demons. She knew she could be the only one to rescue him now. Smiling, she spoke to him calmly and softly.

"Nicholas."

He stopped shaking, frozen in his spot for a moment, before his head snapped up. They locked eyes, and she could see the confusion and shock in his bold, admiring Brown eyes. She gracefully walked over to him, and slowly got down onto her knees as well. He flinched back a bit when she raised her hand, but sighed in relief when she rubbed his cheek gently. He was still heavily effected by his hallucination, as he apologized to her again.

"Please forgive me, I didn't mean to let you die."

She made a soft sound in her voice, almost like a laugh, as her thumb continued to rub against his cheek, shaking her head.

"I'm not dead Nick. What had taken place just earlier, was all a hallucination. This, is still a hallucination. But lucid, since I'm very much aware of what is going on. I am not hallucinating. I am actually on the floor with you, speaking to you, trying to rouse you."

"This doesn't make sense. What's going on Lily?"

"I promise I will explain everything to you Nick, and I do mean every thing. If there is time, or if Young doesn't kill me first-"

"What?"

"Just, promise me Nick. Promise me one thing. That you'll forgive me. That you will forgive me for everything I have done to not just everyone else, but especially to you. I never meant to hurt you, not then and not now. I can't promise that something else won't take place in the future. I can't really control my actions once they take control. But just promise me that you'll forgive me. Because I could never stay mad at you, even if you did kill me. I love you."

He was just about to wrap his arms around her, when a loud voice suddenly came into the room.

He blinked a few times as he was thrown back into reality, and for good this time. He saw her face, saw her sweet smile, before he saw it being jerked up and away. He got onto his feet quickly, as Young secured her arms behind her back. He noticed she wasn't trying to fight Young off, so he tried to step up.

"What is the meaning by this Colonel?"

"This woman is a threat to everyone on board, and we must deal with her accordingly."

"What do you mean, a threat? And you won't be doing anything to her Colonel, not while I'm here."

"Rush, she poisoned everyone. She's the one who drugged us to hallucinate."

He couldn't believe what Young was saying, it had to be a lie. But when he looked into her face, he saw her eyes watering, and the guilt. He stepped forward some, looking into her eyes. They also looked guilty, but he saw the pleading in them; how sorry she was for what she did.

"Is this true?"

She frowned, sniffling, and looking deep into his eyes. Before she looked down at her face, unable to face any of them anymore.

"It's true. I did drug everyone on board."

"Lily, why?"

"I don't care why. The fact that you managed to put everyone on board in jeopardy, is enough reason for you to be put in confinement. As of now, you are no longer allowed to be in direct contact with anyone. A military personnel will escort you for bathroom privileges, only when allowed. Food and water will also be brought to you by military personnel, only during mess hours. You will not be allowed anything but the "goop" we serve on board. You will not be allowed any special privileges to go off world or to do any activities on board Destiny. As of now, you are considered dangerous, and deemed a criminal. I will report back to Stargate Command, where they will further instruct me on how to handle the matter. Because you are not safe, once it is time to deliver, we will allow someone more equipped on board to help with the delivery. Then the baby will be handed into the care of the father, which is Dr. Rush-"

"I'm not allowed to see my child? NO! That is my child, Everett-"

"And no one is allowed to let you out, for any reasons. Unless instructed otherwise by military personnel. If anyone breaks this rule, they will also be dealt with accordingly, if not worse."

"This is going a little too far Colonel, I'm sure she has a damn good reason-"

"There is no good reason Rush. She had people going into hysterics. Many got hurt, because they got into fights or actually obtained weapons. There was a good number of damage done to the ship, not to mention a lot of emotional stress. I have to restore order, and eliminate the problem. She is now the problem."

"She's a human being, damn it!"

"Is she Rush? Can she truly be trusted?"

"This wouldn't have happened if you didn't strand me on the planet."

"Well, you told me loud and clear you weren't coming."

"I wasn't going to abandon Rush, hell no!"

"Then this is your fault as much as it's mine.

She heard the blow of a fist hitting Young in the face. She gasped as Young suddenly tackled Rush to the ground, the two of them scrambling to get on top of one another.

"STOP IT!"

She cries out, grunting as Scott grabbed her, to make sure she didn't try to run away. Right when Greer was about to tear into Rush, Young told him to stand down. Both Rush and Young glared at one another, seeing the slight bruise forming on Young's cheek. No one said a word, almost challenging someone to say anything.

"Rush, you get the hell out. Lily, in here, is where you'll stay."

She got guided into a spare quarter, although this one was a lot smaller. It had a cot, rather than a bed, with no desk or anything. It was just the cot and that's it. Not even a window to gaze out into space. She didn't say anything, just looked in Nick's direction, eyes watering as more tears fell. She watched the door close, going to sit on the cot. She finally broke down, sobbing into her hands, upset with herself.


It had seemed like an eternity before she managed to calm herself down. She was still sitting on the cot, trying to figure out what she was going to do. She couldn't stay under their control anymore, if she wanted to risk hurting everyone. But she didn't want to find out what would happen if she went against the aliens. What they might do to Nick and her unborn child. It's why she was going along with everything. She was too afraid of what might happen if she resisted. That and the fact that there was no way they would be able to remove that mind control device implanted in the base of her brain.

Her head snapped up, surprised, as she heard the doors opening. She was shocked as she saw him standing there, standing up slowly. She made her way over to him, shaking her head.

"What are you doing here? Colonel Young said no one could come visit me, much less let me out."

"Since when do I follow orders, Lily?"

"Never."

"We need to talk, anyways."

It was surprising that no one had been at her post yet, or that there was no one up. It was eerie, as it seemed like they were the only two individuals up. They sat in the Observation Deck, simply gazing out into space. They stayed like that for a long time, not saying a word. He was the first one to start, and she allowed him to do so.

"What's really going on Lily?"

"It's better I show you first, before I explain…"

He was confused, as she turned around, so her back faced him. Her hands went behind her head, gathering up her hair almost completely out of the way. With one hand securing her hair away, her other went behind and moved a bit more, finally showing him the incision scar that ran all down along the back of her skull, and ended just above where her spine started. His eyes stared, amazed and also, in shock.

"What the hell did they do to you Lily?"

"They just don't have mind probing devices Nick. They have mind controlling ones too. It almost works like a communication stone. It allows the alien on the other end to tap into my mind. I'm conscious. I can see everything I am doing, but I cannot control my body to stop. They control my mind to do things, and it doesn't allow me to fight back."

"So it was their initial plan to try and cause enough confusion and doubt, so we'd lose control on one another. Possibly take one another out."

"Exactly. They must have been able to take complete control after we had our fight. When I was most vulnerable. Nick, I'm not allowing them to do this because I want it. I'm too afraid of what they might do to me, to the baby, to you…"

"What would their next course of action be?"

"For me to allow them to dial our stargate, so the can board Destiny and take over."

"An invasion? You haven't provided them with any information, have you?"

"No! But, what if we need them to invade Destiny?"

"What?"

"How else am I going to deactivate this device Nick? We can't very well cut it out of me. I would never survive the operation."

"What are you suggesting?"

"I find a way onboard and make sure they can't corrupt my mind ever again. And make damned sure they can't threaten my family anymore."

"I don't know Lily-"

"I don't either Nick, and I don't care. The thought of losing you kills me inside. I don't want to be the one responsible for doing anything bad to you. And I don't want aliens hunting down my baby once it's born."

"I don't either Lillith, but an invasion? Having them abduct you again, is out of the question. There has got to be another course of action we can take, okay? If we have to, I'll use the stones to report back to Stargate Command. They have to know what's going on Lillith, and I have to get your name cleared too. I don't want anyone treating you like some kind of criminal, when you're not."

"You sure about that Nick?"

"I know it. You're not a criminal, you're simply you. And I admire that about you."

Her eyes widened, and she chuckles some, shaking her head.

"Wow. Nicholas Rush admires something, I'm shocked."

"Watch it, you."

She chuckles, and was glad to hear him chuckle too, shaking her head.

"Does this mean we're good?"

"Aye, it does."

"Good. I'm glad. Do you still think me being pregnant is a mistake?"

He didn't say anything at first, and she briefly assumed that maybe he still did. But then she felt his hand place itself softly upon the swell of her belly, and rub softly. He continued to rub her stomach, and she felt butterflies from within. It felt so nice to have him rub, to finally acknowledge the baby that lie within. She saw him shake his head, sighing up to her.

"I had rather not raise a child aboard a ship. And I wasn't planning on having one now. I had always wanted kids with Gloria. But, since I can't, I rather have them with you than anyone else."

She smiled, feeling a few tears rolling down her cheeks. That's all she had really wanted to hear. She had been so worried that she would be all alone, raising this child. Now that she had Nick's support, she wasn't so afraid of what might come.

"Come here, you."

She ordered him, surprised he obliged, as she scooted over. He scooted closer, watching as his head laid in her lap. He still looked up at her as her hands and fingers worked as if this was an everyday habit of hers. Her hands smoothed through his hair, fingers trailing along against his forehead and scalp. She felt his body relax, watching his eyes close a moment and just enjoy the feeling of her hands and fingers running through his hair, along his head. It was relaxing to him, and she knew it. After a moment, he opened his eyes, nodding.

"You remember the last time we did this?"

"Yeah. You had gotten too drunk, and passed out on my couch."

She saw him get slightly embarrassed, and she laughed at that. Shaking her head, she continued to scratch his head, looking down into his face. She smiled down at him, sighing.

"Considering the fact that you were still trying to get over Gloria, I understood completely why you were trying to get drunk. I just wanted to make sure you weren't going to hurt yourself in the process."

"I came by your little apartment. I think you had just managed to fix it up."

"Finally, yeah. It had taken me long enough."

"You barely had any liquor, or any good stuff."

"I was trying to get clean. You had wiped me clean of everything, remember?"

"Aye. I don't even remember drinking that much."

"Because you had a good bit before you came walking over to my apartment. I was so glad you hadn't tried to drive."

"I was just so upset that she was gone. Food didn't taste the same. Couldn't even cook all that well. Sleeping alone was just odd. Not being able to wake up next to her. Hear her voice, hear her performance pieces…"

"She really was a good woman. I really liked her. She almost seemed like a mom to me…"

"I was just, so damned sorry for not being there when she needed me. I was just trying to numb everything…"

"I tried to tell you drinking yourself to death wouldn't solve it. That you needed to learn to deal with your demons, or allow someone to help."

"I don't remember what happened after that."

"You had a few more glasses of Scotch before you tried to pass out in my kitchen. I fed you, so some of the food could absorb the alcohol. I was afraid you were poisoning yourself."

"Aye."

"Then you just allowed me to talk. You were pretty much zoning out by the time you collapsed in my lap. The only time you spoke up, was when you were telling me how much you missed her. Which is why I started to scratch your head, to calm your nerves."

"It does feel really good."

"I know. Then you fell asleep, and I just continued to hold you and scratch you all night. It was probably the first real sleep you had gotten since she passed away."

"You even let me stay when I was experiencing the hangover."

"Well yeah. I know how it feels to come down off of the influence. I couldn't just throw you out and expect you to take care of yourself."

"You really are a good woman, you know that right Lil?"

She smiled, chuckling and nodding her head.

"Yeah, I know Nick."

"I'm going to get your name cleared. Make them all realize you're not a criminal. I won't have anyone hurting you. And we'll come up with a solution to the alien mind control ordeal. Make sure they won't be able to interfere with our lives again. I promise."


He had escorted her back to the quarters, where she was to be condemned and confined in. She didn't want him to leave, but she didn't want to get him in trouble. She turned back around to face him, as he lingered in her doorway.

"Well, it was nice to get out."

"We'll have to do it again tomorrow night."

"Nicholas."

She smiled as he chuckled, watching as he still lingered in the doorway. Usually, she was afraid and unsure when she felt the impulse to kiss him. She was always unsure and afraid how he would react, if she just suddenly kissed him. Never knowing what his true feelings were for her. But as they stood there, after everything that had taken place in the past week, she had a feeling she was pretty sure how he felt now. Sure, he wasn't ready to openly admit to everyone, or to herself, that he loved her. But she could feel deep down inside, he had realized how much he did care for her. How much he missed and longed for someone to love him, to be loved. To feel love once again.

She didn't say anything, as she stepped up closer to him. His arms were folded across his chest again, making her chuckle a bit. They were always folded across his chest. She smirked as her arms wrapped around his waist, making him break the contact of his arms across his chest. His arms went out, which allowed her to move even closer to him. She surprised him as she leaned forward, her soft lips placing themselves against his. She got goose bumps all over, as she left a soft, gentle, and sweet kiss.

He didn't need to kiss back; it was just something for him to reflect on. Something to remind him just how good it felt to be kissed. To long and want a kiss. To crave that kiss, to crave the person who left the kiss. She wanted him, so it was only fair that she get him to want her too. She had felt him want to try to kiss back, to make the kiss deeper, but she pulled back. She smirked again when she saw the shock and the question in his eyes. They asked her why she had stopped. She bit her bottom lip, further teasing him. She kept her cool as she started to walk backwards, back into these quarters. He stood there, and she could see the want in his eyes, as the doors closed behind her.

"Goodnight Nicholas."


Author's Notes: I wanted to finally show some raw emotion from Rush. The fact that he is human, and he has made some mistakes. But that he's one of those people who would bottle up everything, and allow all his emotions and personal demons to eat him up inside. And Lily being the kind person she is, and someone who wears her emotions on her sleeves, she just kind of senses when someone is troubled, whether they show it on the outside or not. And rather than feel sorry for him, she's been trying to help him this whole time. And then he finally realizes just how much of a rock Lily has been for him, than he may have realized before. He thought he was her rock, and this whole time, she's been the only person to have kept him stable, kept him sane, through the loss of his wife. And she's going to be the one to help him fire up and rekindle that passionate spark of his. Soon, he will find the passion and love he's been keeping bottled up for so long.

Sorry if anyone is disappointed in me not exploring more of the other character's hallucinations. If I dabbled into everyone, this chapter would never get done. I just wanted to show some of Rush and Lily's fears and desires. Also, sorry for some of the graphic content.

Also, her kiss at the end was not meant to tease him at all. It was just to spark enough want and desire in him, for him to reflect if he truly does want her more. If he is wanting her and needing her. Plus, I think it's a sweet first kiss.

Song used: "Just Like You" by Three Days Grace

Also note: About a day and a half, two at the most, passes between their fight and this.