Sorry it took so long, but here it is.
Nobody said it would be easy...
They just promised it would be worth it.
The door opening down the hall had me instantly up on my feet. I looked over and went slightly rigid. It wasn't the beaming Thea that had me concerned, it was the glaring Moira. I was clearly thought of as persona non grata in her eyes. I could see a certain anger hidden in her eyes. A certain anger I recognized. It was the same look I saw reflected off the gleaming glass in Queen Consolidated the day I walked out. The anger of a mother trying to protect their child. It was obviously something I recognize, but nothing I was in the mood to deal with. I hiked the straps of my bag higher up my shoulder and decided to ignore the ice queen standing in front of me.
"So, is he alright? He's not hurt is he?"
Thea was quick to answer before her mother could. "He's fine, he wants to see you. I told him you were out here."
"Really? Ok, just let me-um..." I started trying to figure out what needed to be done and I looked around frantically before Thea piped in. "I can watch Phoebe while you two catch up." I narrowed my eyes at the mischievous smile on her face but agreed. I held the car seat out towards her and made my way towards the door. I reached for the handle, but hesitated. It had been a whole year. We were both different people now. At least I was. But I'm willing to bet a year alone will change a person. How different will be? I was so nervous my hand was shaking centimeters above the handle. I tried to give myself a mental pep talk but it was mainly just freaking me out. I decide to just count to three and rip off the band aid. Or rather, open the door. I took a deep breath and as I reached the number three, swung the door open and stepped in quickly. For all the courage it took to open the door, it took so much more to stop staring at it. I took a few deep breaths as I tried to convince myself to turn back around and to stop being a baby, but it was really tempting to just stand there and do nothing. Not for the first time, I silently acknowledged that I was being a chicken. I at least could admit that.
But as I stood there, I tried desperately to figure out why I was so scared. Oliver was back and he was standing right behind me! Obviously trying to give me space during what appeared to be a mental break on my part. Why wasn't I jumping for joy? Oh yeah, cause I'm scared to death that if I look at him and make his presence real for me again, then there is absolutely no way I would ever survive losing him again. In the past year, I had grown a pretty thick skin. I tried not to let his supposed death break me. But I can honestly say that if something where to happen to him now, I wouldn't make it through again. Honestly I can't say I held it together that amazingly the first time around. I needed therapy just to even think about feeling halfway normal. If I turn around, that's it. I'm done. I spent so long trying to feel ok again. When I turn around that's it. I need to be able to fully let go of the knowledge that I will never see the man I love again. Something I've thought of everyday. When I turn around, it's official. I'm no longer trying to fix the broken woman left behind after his death. Starting the second I turn around, I begin a completely different healing process. Instead of fixing the broken woman, I begin to fix the broken family.
My head clears and my pulse calms down. My hands stop shaking. I'm once again in complete control. There are only two things between me and the beginning of the rest of my life from this point on. Those two things are myself and this stupid door I'm still looking at. So I do the third scariest thing I've ever done in my life. I take the leap and I turn around.
Five months ago...
I walk into Dr. April's office like I have every Saturday for the past two months. I had tried to really buckle down with my therapy after taking such a large break, but honestly I've started feeling better. It's been so different. To wake up and truly be in the moment. For the first time I look at the quote on the wall next to the door, as I have done before every session, and I finally feel like I've seen the other side of the tunnel. Courage is the commitment to begin without any guarantee of success. It's like the are warning you before you walk in that they can only help you if you want to be helped. It used to seem ominous, but now I just feel like it was exactly the motivation I needed at the time. So instead of focusing on everything that could go wrong, I just smile as I open the door for my last session.
My eyes are immediately glued to the man in front of me. I notice the changes instantly. He's buffer than he was before, which is definitely not a bad thing. His hair is about the same length meaning he's gotten a trim since being back. It's shorter then he kept it for most of his life but honestly I couldn't help but laugh every time I looked at it when we were together, so eventually he got it cut. One major difference though is the scruff. It's good scruff. Like seriously good. It's like what happens when you look at a really hot guy and think 'Can it get any better than this?' and then the hot guy grows facial hair and you just think 'Yup. That did it.' I won't lie, he looked good. Really good. It's entirely possible that because I haven't seen him in an entire year, it just makes everything extra intense, but I refuse to believe that.
I could see him looking me over just like I did with him, and I don't seem to disappoint. My hair is a lot longer then it was before, though I managed to keep up with the blonde, but I'm otherwise virtually unchanged. Unless you count the boobs. The boobs have undergone a substantial amount of growth. Not that I'm complaining. Though I do detect a slight admiration for them from his side. My lips twitch slightly and his eyes flash back up to my face. Neither of us move an inch.
"Hi." I manage to get the single word out. My voice is just below a normal speaking level.
"Hi." Hearing his voice is like hearing angels sing. I could cry just from that single greeting alone. And I almost do. But it's not until he's surged forward and his arms are wrapped around me that the flood gates open. At that point I'm bawling like a baby. Not a care in the world. All I can think about is how amazing he smells, and how I'm so thankful I'm not wearing heels, because my head is tucked perfectly under his chin, and there is nowhere else in the world I'd rather be. I can tell he's trying to comfort me, but honestly, it barely even registers. I'm almost hysterical, but I manage to calm myself enough to pull away from him and look at his face even closer. My hands ghost over his cheekbones as he smiles at me.
"Hi, again." I say.
His laugh is contagious as he hugs me again briefly. He motions over to the bed and we both take a seat on the edge. I know we have a lot to talk about, but for this single moment in time, I'm content to just hold his hand and rest my head on his shoulder. For a few minutes I allow myself to dream, and I slowly begin to once again trust in the future.
Yay! There will be a (hopefully) deep moment for Olicity in the next chapter.
