Chapter 8 Guilt

Meryl stood at Kiba's door for a long time, her hand positioned ready to knock. She couldn't bring herself to do it. She knew why she was there…but dreaded facing him.

'Come on Meryl. It's inevitable.'

It was like she had always known that they wouldn't work out. But, ever since she had been having the dreams, and Vash came back, she knew it to be certain. She knew Kiba would be hurt. She desperately wanted to resolve this without having that be the result, but knew that in a perfect world, maybe that would happen. But Gunsmoke was far from perfect. That she understood. So, with shaking hands, Meryl knocked on the door.

"Kiba, are you home?"

"Come in!" She heard his voice call and felt her resolve waver even more at the sound.

Slowly, she opened the door, smiling when Kiba rose from the table to greet her. "Meryl! I just got home and was about to come check on you! How are you feeling?" Kiba's strong voice hit her and she felt her bottom lip begin to quiver. He didn't notice at first and pulled her into a hug. When he tried to pull back, he was surprised to feel her arms tighten, her face burying deeper in his shoulder.

"Don't go yet…just stay like this for a moment…"

He heard her whisper and put his arms back around her, holding her. "Meryl, what's wrong?" It was strange; she wasn't the most touchy feely of persons and for her to want to stay in a hug for any sort of time was weird for her. He heard her sniff and forced her back gently. She was crying.

"Meryl…do you want to sit down?" he offered and she nodded, allowing him to lead her to the couches. Once settled, she put her head into her hands, unable to stop the tears. Kiba couldn't help the growing dread inside of him. Something must be really wrong…

He let her cry for a moment, waiting patiently until she felt she could speak. When she did, her voice was cracked and soft.

"Kiba, there's something we need to talk about. Something very important that I should have talked about a while ago…"

Kiba's sense of dread doubled. "Important? What is it Meryl? You know you can tell me anything." He coaxed gently.

The gentle tones in his voice only made Meryl shut her eyes in pain as more tears leaked. Her face screwed up with emotion and she felt it was hard to breath. "I…I don't want to hurt you…"

He had to lean in closer to hear her, asking, "You don't want to hurt me? What do you mean?"

"Kiba, I need to break up with you…" Meryl chocked out and he paled.

"Break up? What? Why?" His voice held an edge of desperation to it and Meryl let out a sob.

"Oh Kiba! I'm so sorry! I tried! Honest to God I tried so hard, but…"

Kiba's eyes were beginning to water now as her words were sinking in. "But what Meryl?" He asked quietly, already knowing her answer.

"I love you Kiba, but I'm not in love with you! I'm so sorry…" Meryl buried her head in her hands again, crying louder this time.

At first, all Kiba could do was stare at her. He didn't want to believe it. The girl he had fallen so deeply in love with, whom he had chased for years and finally gotten, was telling him this…he didn't want to believe it. And yet…here she was, real as day, confessing this to him.

"Is it because of him?"

Meryl snapped her eyes to him, widening them slightly, ready to blurt out 'no'. But, she couldn't lie and she stared at her hands. "In some ways. But not all, Kiba."

A small humorless laugh caused her to look up. Kiba had tears running down his face and she felt her heart wrench. She had expected him to cry, but the laugh confused her. "Kiba…?" She ventured and he locked eyes with hers, the beautiful green depths full of sorrow.

"I knew I shouldn't have left you alone with him."

Meryl felt her heart break at loneliness in his voice and reached out to wipe a tear away. She was surprised when he wrenched away from her touch and she pulled her hand back slowly. Taking a shaky breath in, Meryl said, "Kiba, this was coming whether or not Vash came back. He merely tipped the scales sooner…"

He looked at her, blinking. "You mean you were going to do this anyway?"

She nodded sadly, wishing herself that it wasn't true. "I tried to love you the way you loved me Kiba. You have to believe me…you have always been there for me, always been a true unwavering friend and those are hard to find on this planet. So, I wanted to be that for you. But, it seems that I just can't…" Meryl's hot tears began again a she looked at him, willing him to believe her.

"He's the one, isn't he?" he said almost inaudibly.

"What do you mean?" She asked, although she was pretty sure of what he meant.

"I mean, he's the one…that you couldn't forget, isn't he?" he repeated, clarifying his words.

She nodded slowly. "Yes, Kiba. He's the one."

"Does he know? That you feel this way?" he asked suddenly.

"I…think he has an idea…" She trailed off.

"Does he feel the same?"

She shrugged. "I don't know…I really don't." And it was true. While Vash had kissed her, it didn't necessarily mean he felt the same way. Men were notorious for sending mixed signals like that, she had found, and wasn't going to make any assumptions. Although the hope was there…

"I hope you find what you are looking for Meryl." Kiba stood, as if showing her out.

With a heavy heart, the weight of sadness about her shoulders, she stood and walked to the door. Stopping, her voice small, she asked, "Do you hate me Kiba?"

He closed his eyes, allowing a tear to escape as he took a breath in. "No."

She felt a small semblance of relief and opened the door. "Kiba, I'm going away for a while. Vash and I are traveling to May city to seek out some answers to some questions we have."

"Does it have to do with his weird changes?" Kiba asked slowly.

"Sort of. It has a lot to do with the weird things that have been happening to me lately. I have to find out what's going on. I wanted to clear things with us first, so we waited to leave…"

"Be careful Meryl. And goodbye." He shut the door and she stood there staring at it, her tears still flowing.

"Goodbye Kiba…"

Slowly, she turned to walk down the stairs. She felt sick, like she would throw up at any moment. What if this was a mistake? Should she have broken it off? Shaking her head, she thought, 'You did the right thing Meryl. You weren't in love with him that way. You have to start accepting that.' She understood that pretty well. What made this difficult was the possibility that she may never have Kiba as a friend again. It scared her. She had come to rely on him for so many things emotional, that she felt lost at the moment. She stopped at the end of the walkway in front of his apartments, face screwed in pain once more as she cried, letting a sob escape her lips. "Milly!"

She needed her best friend at that moment and began to run in the direction of her work, tears flying from her face as she ran.

From his window, Kiba watched as she stopped to cry, his tears mirroring hers and then observed as she ran off. He felt the urge to run after her, but stilled himself. She had broken up with him. It wasn't his job to comfort her anymore…he squeezed his eyes shut, the pain finally sinking in. "Meryl…"

Milly was punching out when she saw Meryl tearing across the construction site. She was about to yell out a cheerful greeting when she realized that Meryl was crying. Before she could even say a word, Meryl had bowled into her, latching onto her and burying her head into her chest. "Milly!" She sobbed, Milly's name being the only thing she could say at the moment.

Milly ran her hands down Meryl's back, shushing her softly. "Shhh, it's ok Mer. Tell me what's wrong." She coaxed and Meryl pulled back to look at her through teary eyes. "Could we go somewhere and talk?" She asked, looking around to see that many of the other employees were staring at her. Milly nodded and said a quick goodbye to her coworkers before heading off to the cliffs to talk. She knew Meryl liked it there and would feel comfortable. Once they reached them, Milly helped Meryl sit, and joined her, their legs dangling off the side.

After a moment, the taller girl asked, "Are you ready to talk now Mer?"

Meryl's hysterical crying had stopped and she took a deep breath. "I broke up with Kiba."

Milly stared at her, unsure of what her reaction really should be. On one hand, she adored Kiba as a friend, but knew Meryl wasn't really in love with him. She knew how Meryl felt about Vash, even after all these years.

"Mer, I'm so sorry…" She offered and Meryl smiled sadly as she shook her head.

"Don't be Milly. We both knew I wasn't in love with him. It was just a matter of time."

"It's because Vash returned." She said almost matter of factly and Meryl agreed.

"I would have done it sooner or later, but his return definitely jump started it."

"Is he ok?" Milly asked of Kiba and Meryl closed her eyes.

"I don't know. He was so sad. He didn't fight, or whine, or beg. He simply cried a little, asked some questions, and then shut the door." Meryl knew that he would probably be crying by himself, not wanting to show more weakness than he had to in front of her and that thought made her want to cry even more. The prospect of Kiba all alone and miserable made her miserable. But, she had broken it off with him. So, how could she comfort him when she was the cause of his pain?

"I wish that he didn't have to be hurting. I wish I could offer him some comfort. But…I can't be the one to do it…" Meryl said softly, her tears almost dry.

Milly felt her heart go out to both of them, knowing they were both in pain. "What can I do Mer?" She asked.

"Take care of him for me. While I'm gone."

Milly raised her eyebrows. "Gone? Where to?"

"May city. With Vash." Meryl answered.

"May city? So far? What ever for Meryl?" Milly's voice held great concern now and Meryl felt guilt seep into her. She hadn't told Milly anything of her dreams or the pains in her head. She thought it was about time she came clean with her friend. "Well, you see…I started having weird dreams about three days ago…"

Meryl opened the door to her apartment to find Vash sitting on the couch, watching TV. Quickly, he turned it off and stood up, worry on his face at the puffiness he noticed around her eyes. "Meryl, is everything ok?"

She shut the door and leaned heavily upon it, eyes closed. "Yeah…just tired." She answered slowly, pushing herself from the door and entering the kitchen for a drink.

Vash followed, unconvinced. "Tired? That's all?" He pried and she felt her eyebrow tick in irritation. She squelched it quickly, knowing it wasn't his fault.

"It's been a long day…"

"Did you get everything you wanted to taken care of?" He asked as he watched her down a glass of orange juice.

Setting the glass in the sink, she nodded, wiping her mouth with the back of her sleeve.

"That's a bad habit you know." Vash said lightly, trying to joke with her.

She stared at him before walking passed him into the living room, casually throwing over her shoulder, "You're a bad habit, you know?"

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" he said defensively as he followed her, plopping himself next to her on the couch. He was truly curious, knowing that it could be translated to so many different things…

She cracked a smile, knowing that it was bothering him and shrugged. "You figure it out, mister superhuman."

Vash blinked at her weird behavior. She was being overly sarcastic, though not in a mean way…"What happened today Meryl?"

She lowered her eyes. "I told everyone about us leaving."

Vash nodded in understanding. "How did your boyfriend take it? Was he upset?"

"He's…he's not that anymore, Vash."

"Not that? What do you mean?" He was truly confused and she sighed. Of course the man was going to make her spell it out.

"I mean, Kiba's not my boyfriend anymore." There, she said it. And with conviction too. It actually wasn't as hard for her to say it as she thought it would be.

Vash's eyes widened. 'So that's what she had to take care of?' He felt terrible. Like he was the cause of it. "I'm so sorry Meryl…it's because of me isn't it? Because I…kissed you…and he feels he can't trust you anymore?" he said slowly.

Meryl nearly laughed. 'He thinks Kiba dumped me?' "No Vash, that's not it. Kiba doesn't even know about that. I broke it off with him."

Vash looked momentarily relieved. "Oh…I see. I really hope it had nothing to do with me, Meryl…"

'If only you knew Vash. It has EVERYTHING to do with you, you stupid stupid man!' Meryl wished she could say it. But, it was too soon for confessions. She had just broken up with her boyfriend, and not to mention she had only seen Vash for three days after not seeing him for five years. No, now was not the time to tell him how she really felt about him.

"Are you still up for the trip Mer?" She couldn't help the flutter in her stomach at the nickname.

She smiled and nodded. "Yes. I'm sick of these dreams and the pains. I'm ready to find out what's going on. Are you sure that you're up for it mister Vash? I mean, you do remember what traveling with me is like, don't you? I can get kinda bitchy…"

Vash laughed. "Yeah, I remember…"

She smiled and got up, ready to go to her room and start packing, when Vash's voice stilled her. "I also remember other things about you, Meryl."

She sat back down, her curiosity peeked. "Oh? And what's that?"

Vash looked her in the eyes, determined to pay her back the compliments that she had given him last night, especially if it would make her smile. "I remember you had a good heart, Meryl. That, though stubborn, you always tried to do what you thought was right, and good. And…you saved my life. In many different ways."

Meryl was dumbfounded. Could it be, Vash truly remembered her from so long ago? That she had left an impression upon him? He had never told her anything back then…

"In different ways? What do you mean?" She ventured quietly, hopefully.

Vash sighed, knowing she'd ask. He wanted her to. "You stood up for me many times, even though I was an outlaw. You even physically put yourself in between me and a man with a gun, risking your own life."

"But Vash, you did that for me countless times…" She tried to reason but he held up his artificial hand, silently asking to go on. She stopped talking and his smile broadened.

"Meryl, that may be, but no one had ever done that for me. No one. You also said something that day that has stuck with me. Something that made me realize how much you really did affect me. You said that 'no one has the right to take the life of another. Everyone has a future. Isn't that right? Stop the fighting. If we don't stop the hate and sorrow somewhere, we will never make any progress. We weren't born to steal, were we?' And then, you took the gun from him."

Again, Meryl was speechless. He had remembered what she had said, word for word. When she found her voice again, she said softly, "You really remembered…"

All this time, she had thought that whatever she did for him, no matter how much or how little, he had never realized it, or recognized it.

Vash could clearly see this in her eyes and felt guilt wash over him. "I'm sorry it took this long to tell you thank you Meryl. Thank you for everything you did for me back then."

His tone was gentle, and, genuine and she felt her cheeks go pink. "Vash…you're welcome. I just…thank you for telling me this."

He smiled again, rising. "We should get packing. I wanted to leave early tomorrow, if that's ok."

She nodded, rising as well, so they were standing facing one another. She looked up at him to find him staring at her, smiling. Without another thought, she leaned into him, hugging him. No words were exchanged as they stood there, embracing one another. Reluctantly, Meryl let go, turning to head across the hall to her neighbor's.

"Where are you going?" Vash asked.

"To ask Jill if she would feed Kuroneko for me while we're gone." Vash nodded and watched her go, turning to head to his room.

'I'm not sure what you are up to Vash, but you had better be careful. Shikio is on to you.' Vash heard Knives's voice inside his head and shrugged.

'What? It's just a leisure trip brother. He has nothing to worry about. I still have time before he decides she's not the one.' Vash half lied. Knives saw right through it. He knew that talking to Vash this way was safe. When they communicated, it closed off the channel to others, like Shikio. You couldn't communicate with more than one person at once, so he knew it was ok.

'Vash, you don't have to lie right now. Shikio can't communicate with us once we are in connection.'

'Good point. I'm on my way to May city. To find the crashed ship. I need answers about this whole thing. And Shikio's not telling.' Vash said straightforwardly. Although his brother hated humans, he had grown to trust him over the last five years. 'Keep him busy, would you?' He asked and Knives mentally sighed.

'This isn't for the human, is it? Vash…'

'I know I know. But Knives, you know how I feel…I'll do it either way. All I'm saying is it would be nice of you to keep him busy, so he doesn't catch wind of things right away.' Vash knew that eventually Shikio would find out. But, if he could get a head start, perhaps he could put a stop to the other plant before he got to Meryl.

'What do you think you will find there brother?' Knives finally asked.

'No clue. Hopefully some answers. Gotta go, Meryl's coming back. Thanks Knives.'

Knives shook his head as he felt Vash sever his connection. This sounded like a bad idea to him…