Chapter 9: In Foreign Clutches

"Sarah, you are one of the bad guys!"

Those words were like fist to Sarah's stomach. It knocked the breath from her. The words were so simple, but meant so much.

"Chuck, you don't understand. It's a complicated situation."

Chuck paced the room. His mind raced. He had long ago resigned himself to the fact that he knew close to nothing about her. He only knew that she was his CIA handler. Now, that wasn't even true. Incredibly, she was not a CIA agent… but someone else... who had delivered him into the clutches of a foreign government.

She had played him from the start!

The thought ravaged through his body. His every insecurity about her bubbled to the surface. He felt every past hurt; every slight she had inflicted upon him. He felt like a fool.

He spoke quietly, almost to himself. "I should have known. You never really had feelings for me."

Sarah realized that he misunderstood. "No Chuck, this was the best thing for you."

"Stop! I don't want to hear any more lies! I just want to know why you did it? Was it money? Or was I just a job," pleaded Chuck, with total despair in his eyes.

Sarah saw his pain. She pleaded with him desperately, "I did it because I cared. I wanted what was best for you!"

"You did it because you suddenly cared for me? How many times have you told me that you didn't have feelings for me, Sarah? Now, your new feelings have conveniently decided that its in my best interest for you to turn me over to your foreign government! Do you really think I'm that much of a fool," shouted Chuck, with emotion.

"Chuck..."

Sarah was at a loss for words. She didn't know how to explain.

"Sarah, I understand. You always intended to extract me for your foreign government. Make the nerd think you cared for him, so it would be easier to extract him later. Just keep him off guard. Send him mix signals. Even kiss him, if the mission required it. That was your game, wasn't it?"

Sarah tensed at his words. "You know that's not true! There was always something between us. You know that," retorted Sarah.

He stalked up to her and shoved his face aggressively into hers. "What I know is, that you'll do just about anything to complete a mission."

It angered her that he could think so little of her. But she tried to ignore it. "Chuck, this wasn't a mission. I did this for you," retorted Sarah, with frustration. But Chuck couldn't really hear her explanation. He was caught up in the idea of her grand duplicity.

"So how far would you have gone for this assignment," taunted Chuck.

He saw her confusion at his remark and it goaded him. He smiled lecherously at her breasts in a manner reeking of disrespect.

It shocked Sarah and before she could register what her body was doing, she slapped him hard across the face. He had touched upon a sensitive subject that all agents face, especially female ones. Placing their relationship in those terms had riled her; and to her disbelief, she had struck him.

The sharp sound of the slap hung in the air, as its consequences resonated between them.

"I suppose considering your fighting skills, I got off lucky," remarked Chuck, wryly. He rubbed the side of face where she slapped him.

Sarah's eyes widened with desperation. Everything was going so wrong. She had to make this right. Too upset by the fact that she struck him, she babbled apologies until she looked up into his eyes. They were so un-Chuck like. They were cold and remote. It silenced her.

Chuck looked hard at Sarah. It was the first time he could honestly say that he didn't believe any of it...and most especially...he didn't believe her.

"I am so over this," whispered Chuck. Their eyes locked. Both knew what he really meant was, 'I am so over you.'

Exhaustion overwhelmed him. The combination, of the drugs, their fight and finally her slap, had decimated him. He felt wobbly again and the room darkened. He recognized that he was near collapse.

"I'm going to bed."

She saw his face turn ashen and tried to help him. But he pointedly rejected her outstretched hands, and forcibly told her to leave him alone. She watched helplessly as he staggered down the hallway to his room. It was not lost upon her that he was forced to hold onto the walls heavily for support.

-o-

She sat on the living room couch replaying their fight. It had gone so wrong. It was supposed to have been their reunion. But instead of opening up and telling him how she felt; she had become tongue-tied. She hadn't said anything she wanted to say. Instead, their past had overshadowed their conversation and it had turned ugly.

Her insides hurt. But she chided herself, 'What did she really expect?' Realistically, she knew she couldn't expect more from him; but she did. She secretly wanted him to believe in her; no matter what the circumstances.

She recognized that he needed time away from her. But her own vulnerability cried for him.

She walked silently down the hall and peeked into his room. He was passed out on the bed. Even in his sleep, he looked troubled. It made her heart bleed.

Sarah walked to the bed and sat down next to him. She ran her hand through his unruly hair. She memorized how he looked. She never understood why, but his presence always calmed her.

The past eight months without him had been misery. But now…he was so close; it was bittersweet. She couldn't lose him. It made her bereft to think of life without him. She needed him.

She knew it would anger him; but she couldn't help herself. She slipped into bed beside him and wrapped herself around him. She buried her face into his chest; taking solace in the feel of him in her arms. She would deal with the consequences later.

-o-

Chuck awoke to find Sarah snuggled around his torso. It was heaven. He smiled at the wonderfulness of it. It felt so natural. It was like she was meant for him.

But then he remembered their conversation. He realized that she was trying to show him that she had feelings for him.

It was everything he ever wanted. But he couldn't trust it. It was safer to believe that it was only apart of her mission. He had laid open his heart so many times; he just didn't think he had it in him to hope some more.

"Sarah…I think you should leave," whispered Chuck, his heart breaking as he uttered the words.

She didn't move. Suddenly, he thought he couldn't give her up just yet. Maybe it would be better if she was asleep.

But those thoughts were chased away when her arms suddenly clutched him tighter. She was awake and she heard him.

"Please don't be over me," begged Sarah softly. Her body trembled as she spoke.

Her words knocked the air from his lungs. She trembled and sounded so vulnerable. It was all so real. He couldn't take it.

"Please Sarah…don't…" He tried to extract himself from her.

But she just gripped him tighter, like she was holding on for dear life. He felt her desperation like an electric jolt. He couldn't handle it. He needed to get away. He tried to sit up, but she fought him.

Then suddenly she released her hold. It surprised him and he hesitated a moment. They laid together unmoving; and that's when he felt it.

At first, Chuck thought he imagined it. But then Sarah's body jerked again. She was silently sobbing. When she realized that he knew; she clutched him again tightly; hiding her face in his chest.

Her silent tears ravaged him. He had no defense. His blonde seemingly invincible protector was sobbing in his arms. No matter what he wanted or what he feared; he could never leave her as she cried.

He wrapped his arms around her. "Sarah, please don't cry," soothed Chuck. He rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head. He rolled so that she was on her back and he could see her.

She turned her face away and tried to hide behind her hair. She was embarrassed by her tears. He tenderly pushed her hair back behind her ear and gently grasped her jaw. He turned her head to face him. Brown eyes met watery blue ones. He thumbed away her tears and kissed away the moisture from her cheeks.

"It kills me to see you cry."

She grabbed his face and looked directly in his eyes. Watery cobalt blue eyes drilled into him. "I'm sorry that I brought so much pain and deceit into your life. But it was never between us. I evaded questions and refused to answer others, but I never lied to you…except once."

She felt him tense at her words. He closed his eyes and laid his head down in the crook of her neck. He just laid there for awhile and then he spoke, "Sarah, I can't take any more rejection. I think I'd rather you just lied." She had defeated him.

Sarah's tears started again. She grabbed his head and held it up so that he was forced to look at her. "Chuck, you don't understand. When we were both under the influence of the truth serum and you asked me if there was anything between us….I said no. But that was the lie."

She saw the confusion in his eyes. "I was trained to withstand the effects of sodium penthanol; so I could lie. I did it because I was in charge of your protection. I couldn't admit to feelings for you. Plus at the time, I just wasn't ready. Our situation was so complicated."

"And now?"

"Our situation is still complicated. But now you're in my arms and I'm ready to admit my feelings, Chuck." She reached up and gently kissed him on the mouth.

His heart soared. His brown chocolate eyes implored her. "Really?"

She saw that he was afraid to hope. "Really, Chuck." She wanted to say that she loved him, but she was still afraid. She hoped she could tell him with her body what she couldn't yet say with words. She shifted so that she was on top of him; their bodies aligned.

His eyes turned dark as he stared at her lips. She moved up his body to kiss him; intentionally dragging her chest over his. He growled as her lips met his.

She arched into him and whispered, "Make love to me, Chuck."

She was so lost to him that it took a moment for her to understand his response. Sarah was shocked when his words finally registered. Confused, she looked down into his eyes and he repeated it.

"I can't Sarah."

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