Chapter nine Inside the mind of a Grissom

(This chapter is set in first person it is set in the eyes and feelings of Grissom I thought that it would be a unique of telling how he is feeling.)

Now here I was completely drunk, I was drowning out my sorrows of the loss of my best friend and my fiancée in a bottle of scotch. I had continued to go to work despite that I had no like of my job anymore. To me it just seemed like a depression factory. Every time I walked in my office I started having flash backs of the times that Sara and I shared together there. Catherine, Nick and Greg had all expressed their concern to me that I was withdrawing again and becoming a living hermit crab. At this point I didn't care what anyone thought. I was happier with my bottle of scotch than listening to the rants and raves of my friends and colleagues. What did they know they didn't know how much I missed Sara, or that I blamed myself for Warrick's death.

It was all becoming too much, every morning after shift I would come home turn on my classical garb and sit on my couch and warm up to my bottle of scotch until I passed out and fell asleep. Nothing would take away the pain but at least the scotch numbed it a little. I didn't care about anything anymore I was going to quit my job this week. I had enough death and depression for a lifetime. It was time for me to move on to something new and maybe better.

I didn't know what I was going to do or where I was going to go, but I knew that I couldn't stay here anymore. There was nothing left for me anymore. The team all could handle things without me now. I had taught them everything that they needed to know. In fact they were now teaching me. I now knew exactly how Sara felt and why she had left. Boy had I been an idiot I didn't see what was right in front of me all along. I should have left with Sara; we should be married starting a new life together. Now I was married to my booze and my life didn't seem to have any meaning anymore.

I was feeling lonely again so I called myself a cab because I was too drunk to drive. I had decided that if I couldn't have Sara I was going to have the next best thing and so I told the cab to take me to Heather's place. The cab pulled up in front of the mansion I paid him and walked my way up the cement stairs. I knocked on the door at first no one answered. But then after three knocks and a ring of the doorbell Heather appeared. Her eyes looked confused as if she didn't know why I was there. I don't think I knew exactly why I was there either. All I know is that when you are drunk you are not thinking clearly but at this moment in time I just didn't care anymore. "Gilbert, what in the hell are you doing here yet again? I told you to go find Sara I don't need your baggage right now." "Heather, I am not here for your pity, I slurred." "I am here for your Sex." She looked at me very surprised like I didn't know what I was talking about. Moments later I walked in the door and caught her by the wrist. I pulled her close to me and kissed her as hard as I could. "Gilbert!" She screamed "STOP you are Drunk!" Again I was too intoxicated to care about anything else in my mind I was picturing Sara and that was who I wanted and nothing was going to get in my way.

So again I grabbed her and pulled her close. This time she didn't struggle she kissed me back. I started struggling to take her shirt off and fumbled with the buttons. Just then the clock starting making a loud DONG, DONG, DONG! It scared me I jumped about a mile, I broke off the kiss and looked up it was then that I realized what I was doing.

This woman was not Sara, it was Heather and I should not be here right now using her for my sorrow. That was the last thing that she or I needed. Heather looked at me in utter confusion as if she didn't know what was going on. "Where were we Gil?" This time she grabbed my wrist and pulled me close but I ripped my hands out of hers and put them up to defend myself. "Heather, I am so sorry, I shouldn't be here right now." "I don't know what I was thinking, I am drunk and I am not thinking at all I cannot use you like this it is not fair." "It's okay Gil, I don't mind she replied." "Yes, but I do, I am still in love with her Heather and I need to go find her before I end up making the biggest mistake of my life."

With that I turned and walked out the door and let it shut behind me. I felt like such an ass how could I do that to a perfectly innocent woman. Yet even worse how could I do that to Sara. True she had left me but I was the one who had pushed her away. I was never good at relationships and I had never been good with people either. At that moment I knew what I had to do. I had to find Sara and confess my true feelings to her before it was too late. It was now or never I thought. I finally got the kick in the ass that I needed to get my life out of Vegas and on to the next place where ever that might be.

So I flipped out my cell phone and called a cab it took me back to my town house where I started that night packing all of my belongings into cardboard boxes. I could not live here anymore either without Sara this life and this place were pointless. I was miserable and it was now time for me to get my head out of my ass and take the leap of faith that I needed to be happy.

I didn't know where she was or how to find her but I knew that somewhere out in the darkness of the night. My beacon in the dark was lit up signaling for me to come home and home was where I wanted to be.