~Sunday – Common Room.

She told me.

What we did last night, I cannot even write.

Sick, sick - just unholy and wrong.

~Thursday - Transfiguration

Sin upon sin. We went out again last night – there was another massive meeting – that much I remember. We started drinking first this time. I don't remember how we got there, or back. I remember the fire, I remember Tisiphone and I sneaking away, I remember her dancing. I must have Disapparated a few times as well, because I have things in my room with me now… things that I know I left in Spinner's End. I know I didn't pack all this stuff back in August.

This is all so strange and confusing... I am such a wreck. I have to write just to keep track of where I've been - and even that doesn't help. I have got to stop doing this.

~Monday – My Room – Night

I avoid mirrors, I always have. Sometimes I think I am not so hideous, but everyone has always called me ugly, everyone. I know they are right, for how can everyone be wrong? Maybe they are wrong. Maybe I have heard it said so often that I started to believe what they say… No! Of course they are not wrong. I'm hideous. My hair hangs over my face like some veil or a death shroud no matter what I do to it. I have an ugly nose and my skin is practically transparent. I'm a freak.

I know I am a freak, I know I am ugly but I wasn't prepared for it. Not today, not any day. I saw my reflection in Donavan Moore's mirror this afternoon. At first I did think myself not so horrid, for some reason but I looked closer and I suddenly remembered what Tisiphone had said about my eyes.

Dear God - I think she is right. My eyes are darker. I have hazel eyes! I do – I did. Yes I know my eyes change color - shifting always between green and brown but this is a bit much even for me! They are much darker now. Is it just that I never noticed my eyes being so dark?

Can't be. I don't remember my eyes ever turning such a dark shade of brown. My eyes were light mahogany brown with hints of green but…. now they seem to be this… dark chestnut brown, no light, no hint of green at all. Dark eyes drained nearly of all color. What's wrong with me! What is happening to me! Oh God, I am sure this is some sign of all the sins I have committed. Some outward mark to declare my evil for the entire world to see…

~Thursday – Common Room - Night

I have been handed my chance to stop this madness! Oh there is much discussion among the guys about sneaking out for another meeting with that group of Wizards but I have far greater things to be concerned with!

This cannot be happening. I cannot believe it to be real. All this time! It is as if Fate has given me this gift. Only Destiny could explain such a thing. It seems too easy, so unreal but it is really happening.

Slughorn announced there would be a contest tomorrow. Whoever could successfully brew the best Draught of Living Death will win a vile of Felix Felicis. No student has ever been successful he told us. Draught of Living Death – the potion I worked and reworked - over and over to get perfect. The potion I perfected beyond perfection in my zeal to drive out my feelings for Lily.

I know I can do it. I will win the vile of Felix Felicis!

Felix Felicis… But in truth, do I even want it at all? To use it myself I know is beyond wrong. Use it, and something good would happen, perhaps it would even bring Lily back to me. No! Never! I could never allow that to happen – not now. My sins have been too great to accept such a grand reward so unfairly. Besides - with my luck, given that level of luck – and the entire school would fall down.

No my desires are far too dark to be given such a chance to succeed. That was never the reason this was meant to happen. No, I was meant to win it so that I could give it to her. That was my desire all that time was it not? I wanted to be Virtuous – to do really well in class and have her see me as good and Virtuous – is this not that very chance? It is! In the name of God it is that potion! What are the odds of such a thing? I will win, and give it to her, and that then is my chance.

But is it? I am so taken by this sense of destiny – and yet, this gnawing fear keeps me from joy. The very real fear that she would likely reject such a gift from me. She will.

What am I to do? Either way – I cannot have Liquid Luck. My luck is so bad - with Felix I could only curse that bad luck on others. So what should I do? Do I win? Shall I let Lily win – that would be the noble thing to do. I would be sure she would have it. But no student has ever before been successful… And Lily, for all of her gifts surely would not have spent her time devoted to such a dark solution – could she win? Surely she has better spent her gifts on healing draughts…

So what shall I do? Shall I give in to this overwhelming feeling - that this is a sign from the Universe? That this is a sign to trust in my studies and let go of my dark ways? Is this not the answer I was so praying for with each moment spent in devotion to hard work and study? It is that potion. How then, when the universe announces itself so clearly am I to deny the will of Fate?

-Because Fate was never on my side. But still I cannot help but feel I am finally to be given a reward for all of my hard work. And maybe, just maybe Lily will... how could she – what shall I do?

Tomorrow. Whatever my decision it must be made soon. What will I do? Why must I always be so torn in this way?

~Friday – Potions – Sunlit morning

Fuck it. My mind is made up. Nothing can take me from this path now.

I've only to wait for Slughorn to finish explaining Felix Felicis to the class then I will have my revenge. Of courses this will take sometime to explain – because no one knows shit about Liquid Luck but me it seems. Idiots. Dunderheads all of them.

And she – and he. There we were outside of class waiting to go inside. There I was debating it, tearing myself apart… What shall I do, what shall I do? Shall I leave it to her to win –– when all the while – there they were - snogging. I looked up – not only were they snogging – but they were groping each other so perversely I couldn't believe what I was seeing. And worse, I couldn't believe what they were not seeing!

Across the hall a group of second years were on their way to Charms and three of them stopped to harass another boy. All the yelling and pushing kept the older students from noticing the vulgarity on the other side of the hall. But everyone watched as the bigger boys pushed the little one back and forth to each other – yelling insults to him all the while. He dropped his books and they laughed. And those two – didn't even notice!

Right under their noses this happens. Are they not Head Boy and Head Girl? Is it not their responsibility to stop such behaviors and reprimand the offenders? Potter I would never expect to take such responsibility – but her? Did she honestly not notice?

Well I did. I pushed them off. They glared at me. Funny. I am older now and things have changed somewhat… but they could still smell the frightened boy in me - not so far off from having been picked on myself. They always know. They laughed at me - just the way Potter and his gang would - before they all ran off. I rolled my eyes. I pretended not to care – though in truth I still felt the sting, no matter how minor. I turned to the other boy and helped him to pick up his books. He looked up at me – grabbed his books the rest of his books and then ran. He looked, just as I had felt when in that position so many times. He looked mortified beyond belief. I tried not to look at him with pity. Teachers, students, they all stand by doing not a thing, they say nothing and then they look at you in that horrible way. I hated it when people looked at me with pity when I was in that position.

And now I am in another position. I am – for once in the position to do something grand. For once – my pathetic devotion to school, isolation and devotion to schoolwork have given me an opportunity to do something. After all I have suffered, I am taking it my chance

~Friday – Great Hall - Sun

It is done. Felix is mine. It is with me now, tucked safely in my robes. The feel of solid hard glass against my chest. I did it. And dare I say this but I am drunk with power over the thing. And yet, I know this feeling will not last. I know this is foolish, but just for once I needed to win at something. I needed for once to be good….

My solution of the Draught of Living Death was finished before the rest of the class had even gotten up to adding the wormwood. All of them – even Lily fumbling and faltering with their caldrons as I raised my hand to tell Slughorn I had finished.

Slughorn was beaming – for once - at me. Lily - she looked at me. Blank stare – not impressed - but not in disgust either. Yes, she showed no emotion, but for once she was not looking down at me. And I tried so hard not to look at her as I was handed the precious golden fluid, even thought it was my deepest desire to see her happy for me – proud of me, just for once.

Tisi, she was happy. She clapped, as did anyone else in Slytherin. The rest of the class looked at me with shock and disgust. "How could Snivellus do such a thing," - but I did. I did it, and I am happy.

I am. Yet even as I write, I can feel my joy so swiftly slipping away. For now comes the real challenge… I must somehow bring myself to give it to her, when I am almost certain of the awful outcome.

Still – I was given this chance – this one last chance to get her to like me once again. I will wrap it and send it to her. I will use on of the school owls, for I haven't the courage to give it to her directly – but give it to her I must. I fear so much to do this. Please, please let this work. Please, let my dream to win her heart through my hard work succeed… This is my last shred of hope. Please don't let this die.

~Saturday – Common Room – Morning.

I sent it. I just sent it a few minutes ago and now I am full of dread. I will have no rest now until I know the outcome – and yet I fear to hear it. Can't write. Pace the room. I will walk around... Too sick and upset to do anything else

~Saturday - Great Hall

She sent it back.

Mary MacDonald came to me. Lily had asked her to send her to do it.

She said Lily had gotten very upset. "Snape," she told me several times, "she was really upset." I couldn't even look her in the face. I just stared past her shoulder. It was awful.

Her words stung. I was fighting back tears, and she must have seen – but she continued her explanation as she gently placed the vile in my hands. "Lily asked that you please not do anything like this again. She said to try and understand why." She closed my hand over the vile, and held onto my hands with both of hers. Then she – Mary apologized. It was mortifying.

I just looked at her. She looked at me, nearly in tears her self. She looked at me with pity. "I'm sorry," she said again. She released my hands and left.

She looked at me with pity. I am such a fool…

~Sunday – Common Room Rain

Luck that I cannot give her… Love that I cannot give her... I have nothing else to write.

~Monday – Potions Class

I dare not look even slightly in her direction.

With my last remaining wish I have hurt the one I… that's it. I cannot dwell on her any longer. Enough have I sinned against Lily in my thoughts. Any thought of her is a sin. I cannot think of her any longer – for her sake.

~Tuesday – My Room Night

Just got back from Tisiphone's room. We went at it again. I love it when she binds my eyes. I don't want to see. I don't want her to see into me either.

~Thursday – Common Room – Full Moon

They've made plans to go out and see that guy again. I still don't care. They all sit talking excitedly. Tisiphone is with them, she and Evan seem unhappy, yet they are just as engrossed as the others…

All of them deep in conversation. Another important plot I am not a part of.

But I suppose… I should start to look forward to the evening as well. It takes would take my mind off of other things.

It would do me well to get out of this place for a bit. It would do me well to smile and laugh with them as we always do when we escape to Hogsmeade. Tisiphone has left them. She is across the room now. She smiles invitingly. Shall I give in? I will. Gladly.

~Friday – My Room Dusk

Getting ready to escape again. I am wearing my brocade coat once more. Once again, I feel not myself. I feel I am someone else. Tisiphone gave me a green cravat. She made it. The rest of my birthday presents she tells me are nearly done. I am still so uncomfortable at having gifts given to me. I must make it up to her somehow.

I'm dressed and nearly ready now. It's almost time to leave. There is no more color, only green, only the green in the tie she gave me. All black – my clothes my hair - black. Green is gone from my once hazel eyes. All dark brown now. Only a tinge of red remains.

Time to go.