Title: Professional Detour
Chapter 9 - An Unfamiliar Horizon


I look at Stella and my mind races. She actually looks afraid. She hesitates with an answer and I know that if I am to urge her right now, at this moment, to just give up and go home then I will have failed her as a friend and lover.

"Come on," I quickly interject. "Let's at least go check out the area and go officially meet Greg. He's expecting you right?"

She looks at me and offers me a numb nod and a timid smile.

"I am glad you are here Mac."

"Me too," I tell her in truth. Stella never owned a car in New York, most of us didn't because you got around very efficiently on subway or via taxi. But here she said she wants a vehicle as she'll have more ground to cover and there are only two forensic vehicles available due to funding. So the luxury of being able to borrow and use the CSI Suburban for personal means is not an option.

I head us over to the car rental building, get us a small rented car, pack up our stuff and set out for the core of New Orleans. Stella finally pulls herself from her morbid funk and starts to inform me of different places of interest, streets I am needing to turn on and other things that come up as we pass them.

"Wow," I whisper as my eyes start to take in a few places that are still in the midst of being looked at for rebuilding. We don't have time right now to venture into the area that was stricken the most by Katrina but even places in the French Quarter that are still under construction, tell us right now, that this city is in need of citizens who actually give a damn. Stella will become one of those. She cares too much for people in need to become indifferent. One of the many things I love about her.

"So here we are," Stella tells me as I bring the rental car to a halt outside a row of townhouses that look like authentic Chicago brownstones.

"My favorite kind of home style."

"I know," Stella informs me. "I told Greg that."

"What?" I ask in shock as I quickly turn to her. "You did? Why?"

"To remind you of home when you are here," Stella tells me in a soft tone. I take her hand in mine and give it a warm squeeze.

"Home is where you are Stella," I confess in truth. Suddenly my mother's words come slamming back into me full force and I know I have a lot more to think about when I finally find the nerve to take my leave and head back to New York. But suddenly that thought, leaving Stella here alone, by herself and returning to New York by myself seems wrong.

"Mac?"

"Yeah let's go and check it out. We have some time right?"

"Truck won't be here until tonight," Stella answers as we both get out of the small rental car and then head up to the front door. For some odd reason I am now struck with a sense of nostalgic excitement. This could be our home; a new beginning for us both. But then I run the lab in New York. Can I just give all that up? I don't think Danny is ready for that much responsibility. I just give my head a small shake and watch as Stella turns the key and pushes the door open, both of us looking at one another as the smell of new home or freshly rennovated starts to consume us.

XXXXXXXX

As soon as I stepped off the plane my anxiety was high, I wanted nothing more than to gather my bags, get back on the plane and head back to New York as soon as the next flight was ready. But now, as I stand before my new home, I am excited. Is this wrong? Is it wrong for me to actually be happy to having something like this to actually call my own? A new place to explore, new places to try eating at, new festivals to celebrate, a new team to get to know and a new city to call home? Do I tell this to Mac? Do I share my excitement? Or will it just force his depression to go even higher? As we walk inside, I glance over at him and know that he is putting on a brave face for my sake. I'm sorry Mac, I inwardly lament. I wish there was another way. I wish that my now being here was filled with less excitement and hope. Oh what do I do now? I don't want to lose either.

"So...want to go and..." Mac starts, his voice breaking my concentration as he takes my bags, sets them down and then holds out his hand for me to take.

"We just got here," I remind him with a frown.

"Stella, I don't want to leave. I want to see what this place has to offer."

Once again Mac amazes me. Here I thought he wanted us to get out of here and just go someplace else, anything in the city to avoid reminding him about the reality he's in right now, but he actually wants to see what my new home has to offer? How can I turn down that kind of offer? I can't.

"Okay," I clasp his hand and then lean in and kiss him on the cheek. "Thank you."

The first floor consists of a small bathroom, a living room, dining room and kitchen with a small family area as an onset. Its all compact and modern, but the hardwood floors and moldings give it a traditional feel which is what I like best. We head upstairs and reach the two bedrooms and one large full bathroom. I lead Mac into the main bedroom and up to the large window that overlooks the modest fenced in backyard, bricked patio area for a BBQ and a small grassy section for planting.

I feel my eyes water and suddenly Mac's fingers are squeezing mine, prompting his actions to draw my gaze to him.

"Stella, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For whatever sad memory you are having."

"It's just that..." my voice trails off as I look away. "I've never really had a real home to call my own; I always wanted a backyard with a small garden. I know it's not the stupid little girl dream of the small home with a white picket fence but," I pause as I feel Mac's arms encircle me and hold me close, his warm lips resting on my neck, his breath sending teasing shivers down my spine. "I guess I couldn't afford one in New York and now..."

"And now you feel like you are doing something wrong by actually wanting to be here?" Mac finishes and I just nod my head in agreement.

"Stella, I do have to admit that this place is very...nice," he chooses his words carefully. "I of course selfishly want you to hate it and come back to New York with me."

"Mac..." I lightly whimper as my eyes water.

"This is a home worth bragging about. I guess...I guess I am just a bit jealous that it wasn't me who picked this out for you."

"Greg is married, with children," I inform him in haste and his lips produce a small chuckle.

"Stella, you could have gotten it from Obama and I would still be jealous," Mac smirks and it's my turn to offer a small laugh that comes out more like a sniffle. "It's your home...not ours."

I twist myself around in his grasp and frown. "You always said that home is where we were, that it had nothing to do with the actual building or geographic location."

"Damn it," his lips softly curse and I just shake my head as I bring his mouth to mine. "I forgot."

"Silly man," I whisper before I tempt him with a warm lip locking. "Come on let me show you that there is more to New Orleans than the French Quarter and Mardi Gras."

"Lead the way. Speaking of Greg, when do I get to meet him?"

"Guess we should do that now and then take our time sightseeing," I mention and Mac is quick to agree.

XXXXXXXX

Just hearing that Greg is married isn't really setting my mind at ease. That isn't only one man she'll be working with and I doubt her team would consist of only women. I have to tell myself to keep my jealousy in line; the last thing I would want would be to cause Stella any kind of embarrassment and create further tension between us. Gosh I'm still having a hard time recovering from hearing Stella talking about her first real home.

We head back outside and this time I let Stella drive the rental car. It'll give her an idea about how to get to her new lab from her new home and I do want her to feel comfortable. But as I look around my mind now ponders what it'll be like for her to come home at night by herself. What if someone is waiting for her? What if she's attacked and I'm not here? Or even close by? It's not like she can go into a locked apartment, this is a home...with a separate entrance. And as Stella finally pulls away, my mind is now racing with new doubts. What will she do at night by herself? I'm used to being alone, but not Stella. In New York she had Don and the team andand here it will all be new people who...

"Mac? You have that look again," her voice breaks into my thoughts.

"What look?" I ask in haste.

"Well for one thing I am not driving that fast and so I think it's safe for you to uncurl your fingers from the door handle. They are turning white," she teases and I offer her an embarrassed smile before I quickly pull my white knuckles away from the piece of plastic and allow them to rest in my lap.

Stella chatters away about the areas we are passing through, mostly the things she's read about and which restaurant we are going to have to try for supper. We finally arrive at the lab and I swear my anxiety is probably higher than hers. Stella has perfected the knack of showing people the bravest face when inside she is a nervous wreck. People tell me that I to have mastered that but right now I swear I am going to keel over and die right on the spot. I look over at Stella as she hesitates to leave and then take a deep breath, forcing her to look over. I gaze into the warm emerald pools before me and find my heart racing faster.

"Shall we uh...get this over with?" I ask with a lighter tone, hoping it sounds positive and supportive but knowing that I sound fake and distant.

"Sure," she nods as gets out of the car and now its business as usual. No hand holding, no intimate familiarity, no obvious PDA's. We are all business. We head into the quiet lab and immediately I am comparing. New York's is bigger, newer, better equipment. Hello Katrina! My brain reminds me and I quickly shelve my selfish motives. Of course they don't have what we do; our city wasn't torn to shreds by nature's fury. Even 9/11 didn't cripple the city as much as Katrina or the gulf oil spill has. New York has rebuilt; New Orleans is still struggling.

We walk past a few curious onlookers who would start to talk in low whispers as soon as we were past. Gossip! Damn it! We reach the office marked Greg Fields and both pause before Stella gently knocks and an older man turns to greet us with a warm smile.

"Welcome Stella," he greets as he stands up as we enter. "Mac Taylor, her partner right?"

"That's correct. Nice to finally meet you," I extend my hand to shake his. I had wanted so much to hate him right off the bat; to tell myself he'd be some kind of single paramour or widowed loner like me and that she'd be taken with him right away. But as my eyes quickly dart around his modest office, I see pictures of his wife and kids everywhere. I really need to learn to put my insecurities away until they are officially needed. Even his tone was non confrontational. Damn it!

"Well why don't you sit down for a bit and I'll go over a few things and then a tour. I know our lab isn't as grand as one you have in New York but we are trying to make due with what we have."

"I'm sure it'll be just great," Stella's voice extends some newly found enthusiasm.

I feel myself inwardly cringe as I watch her lean forward, giving him her full attention as he tells her about the partial team that she'll need to help complete, the new equipment he'll want her to scope and purchase, another new team vehicle and a few other things that will keep her days very busy. Will she even have time to send me an email? Phone call?

"So Detective Taylor what do you think of this opportunity for Stella?"

I look at him point blank, a stoic expression before my brain forces my face to soften as routine. "It's great," I manage with a fake smile. Can he tell I'm lying? YES! My brain shouts in haste. We spend the better part of the next hour, just talking with Greg about the area, the city, the recent cases and just how valuable Stella is going to be. Finally I had to excuse myself, head for the nearest men's washroom and splash cold water on my face.

When I look up I see Greg standing and watching with a wondering expression. "You love her don't you?"

"Is it that obvious?" I huff as I reach for a paper towel and gently pat my face dry and then turn around to face him. I feel my anxiety starting to grow as he starts to examine me and in a matter of seconds my stomach is tight. When will he be finished his damn evaluation?

"So how do you really feel about this?"

"Would like to meet you out back," I smirk and he nods as his lips curl upward.

"Ah yes might have thought that. I'm sure you'd win that fight," he frowns, taking a few steps closer, his hands in his pockets. "How do you feel about her being in charge?"

"Actually I'm very proud."

"Think her new team will have any trouble working for her?"

"Anyone who has Stella as their lead and supervisor will be damn lucky," I relate in truth. "I myself would be honored so a junior CSI will have no troubles. She's uh...she's amazing," I finish with a slightly shy smirk as I look away.

"And this long distance stuff. It doesn't bother you?"

"Why are you asking me this?" I ask nervously, my voice a tad on edge.

He holds up his hand as his smile widens. "Not meaning to offend or anger the beast within," he says in a softer tone and my posture loosens. "I just want her at her best and I think that when you go she'll suffer."

"It'll only be momentary," I insist. "Stella Bonasera is a professional and trust me she won't let you down."

"And you?"

"Pardon?"

"Can I ask you a personal question Mac?"

"That depends," I answer slowly, my nervousness starting to creep upwards once again. His facial expression turns serious as he leans in closer and my heart for some reason starts to beat faster.

"I want an honest answer if that's okay. Do you think that you would be able to let her..."

XXXXXXXX

Waiting for Greg and Mac to finish in the bathroom is making me antsy. And they say women are bad in there. What on earth are they talking about? Better not be me. Oh Stella, I chide. How old are you? After Greg had finished giving me the details of my new starting week ahead, Mac hurried to the bathroom, to throw up, is what I assumed. During the entire time Greg was talking, Mac's face was blanched and his fists clenched tightly. I knew I shouldn't have brought him here. Now I'm sure that I'll just hear it from him about what a horrid place this is and that I should return with him at once.

But as I glance around, taking in the new surroundings and then letting my eyes finally wander toward the office I'll be using, my stomach is flipping with excitement. I see the spare office beside mine and wonder what my assistant, my second in command will be like? I won't meet the rest of the team until Monday and I have to wonder what it will be like facing that first day without Mac at my side to share this all.

Greg had told me that a few positions were open and they were looking for a seasoned field CSI as well as a few other key roles that I would help him interview for in the coming weeks. I know that as soon as routine sets in I will be missing New York, especially if Mac isn't here as often as I want. But I also know that once I settle in, I will also have more time to fly to see Mac and that will help ebb the pain.

I watch Mac and Greg both exit the bathroom at the same time, but this time I notice Macs face isn't as tense and I do have to hope that perhaps Greg assured him that I am going to be just fine and that I can make a success of it as long as I have his backing and support.

"So if you'd like a brief tour and then I can let you two get back to enjoying our fair city. How do you like your neighborhood so far?" Greg asks me.

"Actually seems very nice so thank you."

"Very well."

Mac and I numbly follow after Greg as he first shows us my empty office, a few shipped boxes already waiting but otherwise it's mine to customize. I know it's not as modern as the office in New York but it's only been five years since Katrina and the city is still rebuilding in many areas; funding for luxuries is tight. But I have learned to make do and make the most of any situation I am in since I was a small girl; I will make this work.

Greg continues with his tour, taking us into the evidence and lab areas, me meeting the first of my new team. My new lab tech – 'Gabby'. Gabriella LeBeaux.

"Hey Stella, great to finally meet you. Greg has been raving," she states with utter enthusiasm. Her short black hair is slightly mussed into a more feminine fauxhawk; her accent makes her sound like a typical southern bell but her outfit is something out of Rolling Stone magazine. I could see her and Adam clashing instantly, either that or really hitting it off. I take her hand and she starts to rattle on about her role as lab tech, computer geek as she calls herself and then turns her attention to Mac. We finally tear ourselves away and then head to another part of the lab. An African American fellow walks up to us, taller than Sheldon but dressed just as well; Sheldon of course missing the obvious band of gold.

"Thought you and Shelby had the day off Dustin?" Greg inquires.

"She had to take Tyrone to her mothers and I had to get something," Dustin Barber replies as he looks at me.

Greg introduces the man who is currently the most seasoned field CSI and even then he admits he's only had two years of actual experience. After Katrina, the city had to cut some of the larger paychecks and so the two most experienced, the two in charge left and when elsewhere and they have been struggling for the past few years. It all seems so new and odd but then so did the New York office when I first started, again the only thing missing? This office doesn't come with a Mac Taylor attached to it. That could be my downfall. How can I concentrate each day wondering how he's faring?

"I'll make you proud Ms. Bonasera."

"Stella please," I tell him with a friendly smile. We chat with Dustin a bit more before we head toward the door, only to be stopped by another man.

"Hey Greg, you givin' tours now?" The tall blond man asks as he looks right at me.

"Jackson this is Stella Bonasera. My new lab supervisor."

"Jack Daniels," he greets and both Mac and I exchange amused expressions. "Yeah I know…it's a real ice breaker at parties."

"I can imagine. Mac Taylor," Mac greets.

"Second in command?"

"Boyfriend from New York," Mac states possessively and my heart actually swells. To hear Mac, although I know it's brought on by male jealousy, introduce himself as my boyfriend, makes my mind and heart proud that I now have him with me at my side. Course the expression on his face also gives me something to laugh at. A grown man showing obvious teenage signs. Is so much easier than having to explain that I have someone in my life and that he does exist; plus it will keep this obvious single male at bay. At least a few have met him now.

"Ah too bad," Jackson frowns at Mac. "When are you heading back?" He asks with a laugh.

"Don't mind Jack."

"Who are you?" I ask in haste.

"I'm your detective, Stella," he informs me and I feel Mac instantly tense at my side. "Will look foward to working with you," he states as his phone goes off and he takes his leave.

"He's harmless," Greg tells us; the frown not subsiding from Mac's handsome face.

XXXXXXXX

Harmless my ass! My mind yells at the older man before me. He just flirted with my girlfriend, in front of me. What on earth is going to happen when I am a million miles away and she's down here, every day…with him! Now him I would like to meet out back. But I trust Stella, I have to.

Greg finally finishes up and Stella and I head outside. So far her team seems nice, the other junior CSI, a Rebecca Miller would be back in on Monday. The office and lab areas are modest but that's to be expected from a city that is still rebuilding. Stella's excitement during Greg's explanation of things was to be expected but still unnerved me a little. Is this really happening? It's not to late for her to come back.

"So what did Greg want in the bathroom? You two took longer than is expected for straight men," Stella quips as we get back into the rental car, night almost fallen upon us.

"He wanted to make sure that you would be able to do your job without me causing you any kind of mental or emotional hindrance from so far away."

"He said all that?"

"Yeah, caring kinda guy," I state sourly and Stella looks at me with a weak expression.

"So other than that, what did you think?"

"About him or the other one?"

"Mac, are you jealous?"

"I am allowed," I reply in haste as I start up the car and we head back into the heart of the city.

"Not to the point of ruining things for us," Stella tells me firmly and I warn myself to keep my tongue in check. I mean if I can't trust her and she can't trust me then our love is over even before it begins. Trust is one of the greatest expressions of love and I know that that exercising of trust starts now.

"It won't," I utter simply and she then starts to ask me what I thought about the lab and the two team members I met Greg. I didn't tell Stella the whole truth about what Greg and I talked about, but I know the words he said forced my mind to ponder things I haven't before and also pushed my future in a direction I never considered. But I promised him I wouldn't be a distraction or a hindrance and I intend to keep that promise. I want Stella to succeed.

"So fresh oysters?" Stella inquires. "Greg said there is a great place we both might like."

"Sure," I answer, trying to sound happy. But now I wonder how many times I will cringe when I hear her say it was Greg, or Jackson or someone other than me, making suggestions that will add some happy spark to her life. Damn I hate this. I feel like I don't even belong anymore and we've only been here a few hours!

We enter the small cozy restaurant, called 'The Oyster Shack' and take a small booth at the back. Everyone seems friendly, nodding hellos as we pass, despite the fact that they don't know who on earth we are. We settle into our booth, order some fresh oysters and beer and then lean back to wait.

"Mac, talk to me. I mean this is going to be my new home and you are the one acting nervous."

"Hard for me to sound genuinely happy Stella. Yes your new home and your new lab. None of it includes me and I know I am just a damn tourist and…"

"We can fix that Mac."

"Yes you can come back where you belong!"

"What if I belong here? I have always been an orphan Mac. I belong nowhere!"

"You belong with me," I counter sharply, drawing a few wondering glances and I quickly recant. "Stella I'm sorry. This…all this is just so…"

"Surreal?"

"No, it's real. That's the problem," I huff as I lean forward a little more and take her hands in mine. "The weeks leading up, yes you were right, I was telling myself that I would soon wake up and you would be staying where you belonged. But seeing you here, hearing all the things that you'll be getting involved in, seeing your excitement and determination...and I see how real it is."

"And you're not mad at me?"

"Mad?" I arch my brows as I shake my head. "Stella I want you to succeed. I want you to have what you always wanted."

"That would be you Mac," she answers warmly and my face softens. She confesses with a nervous smile. "But I also want this."

"We can always compare notes."

"You will always be my lifeline Mac."

"Okay now it sounds like this is final," I sigh heavily and her lips offer a slight chuckle.

Our meal finally arrives and the conversation finally gets into her new home and how she'll decorate things; our weekend ahead already planned. After dinner we head outside, the city still very much alive and vibrant, much like New York after hours. I wrap my arm around Stella's waist, both of us slowly walking down one side of the French Quarter, Stella once again chattering away about things we are passing and I now find myself wanting to stay at her side forever. I love her. How can I just get on a plane tomorrow night and leave her behind? I will miss her first day. Her first week. First case arrest. First case scare. I'm afraid I'm going to miss it all. Will I miss my future as well?

XXXXXXXX

We just sit side by side on the large window sill, waiting for the moving truck before we get busy again; once again just talking about the lab and the new team and things the city has to offer. Of course Mac's enthusiam isn't very real and I will not sit here and judge as in truth it's hard for me also. But I need his love in order for this to succeed. I lean my head against his shoulder and wonder if our happy future of being together and possibly having a real family will ever come true? The truck finally shows up and Mac and I set up the bed, leaving the rest of the boxes until the morning; finally saying goodnight and parting with heavy hearts.

In the morning, I wake up, slowly opening my eyes and listen. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I don't hear the hustle and bustle of New York. I hear some cars, a few dogs barking, children laughing and my mind settles instantly.

I quickly push myself out of bed, glancing around at a few open boxes and then hurry for the hallway. I see a few of the rooms littered with boxes from the night before and know I have a big task ahead. The spare bedroom will get the bulk of all the leftovers right now, as will the small office downstairs until I can figure out where everything goes. I slowly wander down the stairs, my ears now picking up the sound of Mac's voice humming and my heart starts to beat faster. I enter the kitchen area and stop.

He unpacked? I ask myself in shock, standing fixed in time as I watch the man I love, surrounded by various kitchen items, coffee on and a small cookbook open. He's cooking?

"Okay so I thought the spare key was only for emergencies," I tease as I wrap my arms around his waist, allowing his warm scent to tempt my hungry brain.

"Morning," he whispers as he twists his face to kiss my lips. "Isn't hunger an emergency?"

"Mac when did…did you even sleep?"

"I was up an hour ago and didn't want to wake you when I entered," he confesses as he turns to look at me. "Figured we have a busy few days and want to get you settled before you start your new job on Monday."

I feel a small lump form in my throat. God, why do I have to let him go? I gaze into his warm sapphire eyes and feel my stomach tighten. His fingers tenderly brush my face and I close my eyes for a few seconds, delighting in the feelings of love and desire that his touch is creating.

"Mac…" I start only to have him cup my face and then kiss my lips.

"Hungry?"

"Yeah I am," I admit weakly. "Here let me do that."

"Stella, I can make breakfast. But I don't know where you want things. So let me finish here and you…" he looks around with a slight frown.

"And I'll get the dishes…wherever they are."

I quickly commit the memory of Mac standing by the stove, in his casual clothes, hair mussed and looking just good enough to eat. Making us breakfast in our new home. Our? Oh right, my new home. Suddenly I am once again heart sick. But before morbidity takes over, I head for the coffee maker, pouring us both a cup and then get started on a box marked dishes. In a matter of minutes the table is set and as Mac and I talk about where things should go, our day finally starts to unfold.

We spend the better part of the morning getting the kitchen all packed away; tonight we will shop for food. I tend to the small downstairs half bathroom next and then head into the living room to help Mac, although I must say he is more than efficient.

At lunch we finally take a break, me ordering in pizza and us just having a few beers and some delicious slices on the small patio outside.

"I do envy this," Mac suddenly pipes up, a warm breeze tickling our exposed skin in the mid-day sun.

"Which part?"

"Just this…" his slightly tormented gaze extends to the small, private backyard around us. "I like the small yard, garden area, this patio, barbeque setup…all of it," he huffs before he looks back down. My fingers rest on his, forcing his blue eyes to lock with mine.

"Mac you aren't going very far."

"Won't be here on a regular basis after work either. Just to come home, sit out here with either a beer or coffee, with you…" he pauses for somber effect. "And just talk about the day, the case or…whatever."

But he's right. He won't be here on a daily basis and in a matter of seconds the air is thick and tense once again. Will there ever come a time when we are both in the same place once again and happy? Oh why did we have to figure all this out now? Now when one of us is unable to give the other what they want and need? That someone being me?

XXXXXXXX

"Mac…."

"Stella, I'm sorry to dampen the mood," I quickly raise my hand. "I want this for you."

"If I hadn't taken it…"

"You would have always wondered if you could do it? Why? You know you could."

"You tell me that but…"

"But you need to prove it to yourself?" I finish and she smiles. "I guess we do that a lot."

"Have always been on the same wavelength Mac," Stella reminds me. "So what do you think I should plant…" she starts and I quickly take the hint. I don't want to dwell any longer on what both of us will be missing out on. Still I can't help but now stress that if she does have the new team over to welcome them, and I'm not here, who will be occupying this space in my absence? Anyone? Would she do that to me? No I trust her. Damn it I still worry!

Stella goes on to explain what she'd like to plant, mostly next summer as this years growing season is mostly over. My mind pictures me at work out here on something, and her in the garden, or tending to flowers, smiling and once again my heart aches for that picture of domestic bliss. We finish up our modest lunch and then head back inside. We have made a lot of progress, but much like myself, Stella is very efficient and so I didn't think it would take us all weekend to get everything set up.

We finish the downstairs and then upstairs. As evening starts to fall upon us, we head out to explore the area she's now living in. Once again we walk arm in arm down the street, both of us looking around, inspecting the area and very much impressed that it's mostly working adults, professional couples, no rowdies or large families to cause a raucous or any rowdies to force my mind to constantly worry about Stella coming home when it's dark.

We reach the end of the street and happen upon a little market that will help us make do until Stella is able to do a major grocery shop during the week. We pick up a few things for dinner and meals tomorrow and then head back, again casually talking about the area and what else Stella has planned for her new home. Once again, hearing the excitement about her new home and new area, and just everything to explore and call her own, has me heartsick but keeping silent. I can't ruin this for her. I would hate myself forever.

"Okay so what can I do?" I ask Stella as I finish putting the few items into the fridge and then look at her in wonder. She looks up from her Greek cookbook with a smile and I feel my nervousness starting to grow.

"How adventurous are you feeling right now?"

XXXXXXXX

Knowing that Mac is always game for whatever I want to make is so refreshing. I guess he knows that if he does complain he has to cook. Mac starts to help me with dinner and thankfully about a half hour later, we are both seated at the table and eating something that actually tastes pretty good. I tell him a few more plans about what I have for my new home; some patio lights outside and an actual eating setup so that on warm lights like tonight we can eat outside.

I notice Mac's agitation and I can't help but wonder if he fears that I'll be doing this more often than with just him. I try to always include him in my future plans, but he still has so many facial doubts that I wonder what tough road ahead we'll encounter.

After dinner we head back outside, Mac lamenting the fact that he doesn't have his guitar and me agreeing that it would be nice for him to sit by my small gas fireplace or outside on the patio and play as I just enjoy the amazing man I have been blessed with.

XXXXXXXX

"Mac, are you sure you can't stay in town a bit longer? I mean after my first day…"

"Stella, what would I do? You'll probably stay late and…well as accommodating as Greg appears to be, I doubt he'll just let me come and shadow you all day. Besides, I uh…well I think it will be easier for me and you if I uh…"

"What? Tell me Mac," I gently beg.

"If I'm not there to get in the way."

"You wouldn't be."

"But you'll call me right? And tell me everything."

"Sure," I reply glumly.

"Stella…" he starts with a huff.

"I understand Mac. But I think what you really wanted to say is that it will be hard for you to see me actually excited about being in charge and then knowing you'll have to leave the next day anyways?"

"Something like that," he sighs as we linger in the car at the airport. "I…I know you'll do fine Stella and I wish you…"

"Mac shut up right now," I scold with a smile. "You are coming here next weekend. That's only five days."

"That's five too many," he whispers as he leans in closer. "I love you Stella. I would ask you to marry me and come back to New York, but I know I would be saying it right now out of selfish fear and that isn't fair to either of us."

I grab his face and press my mouth to his, pulling back a few breathless seconds later. "I love you Mac and I'm not going anywhere; my answer will always be yes. We can make this work and we will. Do you believe that?"

"I believe that we will be together and that is what I am going to hold onto," he tells me firmly. "I will find a way and even if it's not easy I will be with you Stella. That's all that matters to me now."

I give Mac a nod and then allow both of us to finally exit the rental car and head for the domestic departures area. My stomach is so tight right now that I'm sure as soon as I see Mac disappear through security, I'm going to find the nearest bathroom and throw up. I can't let him go! I need him to stay! I love him! I want to marry him! So many things race through my mind as I hover around the ticket agent, waiting for Mac to get his boarding pass and then walking hand in hand through security.

He tells me about his week head with Danny on his own, and then his search for a junior CSI and I tell him I pretty much have to do the same. We linger by security for what seems like an eternity, Mac's fingers gently brushing away a stray tear before it can do any more make up damage.

"I love you Stella, I'll call you later," he assures me before he offers me on more kiss and then heads through security. I watch until he's gone, my fingers quickly brushing away stray tears as I head for the exit doors.

I try to hold onto his words in my head. 'I love you Stella, we will be together. I will find a way…' that is the only thing actually keeping me breathing right now. I have to believe that he will do that, that we both will make this work and be together. We can do this right? A few more uncertain tears fall and now I have doubts. Oh what I have I done? Why did I let him go? Can I face tomorrow alone? The future?

I will take a cab home, because my first order of the week is to get a new vehicle and Greg said I could use CSI one until I do that. But just as I reach the exit doors and look outside I stop.

My eyes look at the unfamiliar horizon ahead of me and I now I just want to turn around, race back inside and go with Mac. I am now alone; on my own and facing what seems like an unknown and uncertain future. We will be together...those words of Mac give me hope and the strength I need to take the first step back into the night.

"I love you Mac. We will be together."


A/N: Okay so one more chapter to go and I know this is chapter was a bit longer, but had to get a lot in here. Hope that's okay and thanks again! And yes a SMACKED happy ending is coming up next! And REMEMBER I don't do canon, so they will be together! I promise.