AN: I do not own these characters.

Journal Entry Six – Shocking Rose 1958

After everyone left, I sat out on the porch under the night stars pondering what to do about my newfound feelings and still wondering what they really meant. I had immersed myself so completely in deciding what to do next that I didn't hear Rose until she sat down beside me.

"A penny for any of those thoughts that are keeping you preoccupied," she compassionately remarked.

At first, I hesitated to share my feelings especially since they covered new and unexplored realms of my emotional essence, but I also needed someone else's reflections as to what love felt like. From experience, I knew how Rose felt about Emmett; it wasn't something I needed to ask her, but I did wonder how she knew she loved him when she first saw him. If she hadn't felt a deep love for him, she would have allowed the bear to finish him off. She had a tendency to see everything in black and white, so she would have viewed the incident as the way life was. Some people live and some die, but not Emmett; she wouldn't allow Emmett to die, which was why she carried him to Carlisle and begged him, no, she demanded that he change Emmett. Instead of explaining my dilemma, I decided to ask her outright about her feelings for Emmett.

"Rose, how did you know you loved Emmett when you first saw him?"

At first, she just stared at me. I was afraid she wouldn't answer, but after delving into her thoughts, I realized she was recalling the event. I saw the images flash through her thoughts and then heard her recalled thoughts at the time. Her strongest thought had been, 'Not him!'

"I'm not sure why you want to know, but with Emmett I just knew. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be with him, but he was dying. I didn't even think twice about what to do. I knew Carlisle would have to help me save him because I wasn't going to lose him. I never regretted that decision, and I don't think Emmett does either." She paused slightly and then said thoughtfully, "At least he has never said he regretted my decision."

Her answer hadn't really resolved my dilemma, and I sensed a building curiosity on her part about Emmet's regret or lack of it. I decided I would settle her apprehension and then rephrase my question. "Rose, I can assure you he has no regrets about being changed or about being with you." This earned me one her allusive but heartfelt smiles, which brightened her face and made her appear lovelier than ever. Usually, she saved these smiles for Emmett. Once she was happy, I continued probing, "Okay, so how did you know what you felt for Emmett was love?"

"I'm not sure," she tilted her head slightly as she thought about what I had asked. "I guess I just knew. I'm not sure how. It wasn't as if I had ever truly been in love before, but I felt as if my heart had said I would spend eternity with this person. I felt thrilled and excited by that idea. I had never felt that happy before, not even as a human. In fact, it was the first time I had ever felt truly happy since Carlisle had changed me." She looked over at me, I sensed her curiosity peak again, and then she asked, "Why the sudden interest in love?"

"Well," I knew I didn't want to say I loved Bella because I still wasn't sure if I did, so I hesitantly answered, "I was just wondering. I . . . well; I never really talked to anyone before about love. During my time, my parents would have picked a nice girl for me and then would have hoped after we were married that I would learn to love her, but neither of my parents really talked to me about what love was or how I would know if I fell in love. I think they were saving that talk for when I was older; I imagine that your parents were as ambiguous about such things, but then you found Emmett."

"So you thought I could share with you what your parents didn't." Her tone was little harsh as she made her statement, but I couldn't tell if she was offended by my questions or if her comment was meant to be sarcastic.

"Well, I did hope that you might be able to shed some light on the subject for me."

"Why did you ask me? Why didn't you ask Emmett or Carlisle or even Esme?"

"Maybe because you were the first one I saw while I was thinking about this, but partly because of what you did for Emmett. You must have really loved him to risk such a thing. I mean, he could have pushed away from you and hated you because of the change. You took a big risk, so you must have felt something extremely strong in order to risk losing him if it had ended differently."

Rose's look turned serious for a moment, and then she gave a slight laugh. "You know, I never thought about that before. You're right; he could have reacted as violently toward me as I did toward you and Carlisle because of being changed. I guess I loved him so much that I never thought about the negative side of what I was doing."

At that moment, I reached into her mind to discover what she was thinking. I was surprised to find her somewhat upset and shocked that it might all have turned out differently if Emmett hadn't loved her as much as she loved him, but she found it funny that she had never considered that possibility before. Then she tossed the thought aside as she decided there was no way Emmett couldn't have fallen in love with her because of how beautiful she was.

"Edward," she pulled me back to the moment, "why are you really asking me these questions? You're not falling in love with that human, are you?" She seemed appalled at the fact that I might be in love with Bella.

"What would be wrong with it if I were?" I felt my defenses rising. I – who had never felt that type of love for anyone – had just as much right to fall in love as the rest the family, and Bella being human wasn't that big of an obstacle, or so I thought at the time.

"Edward, she's human. You can't be in love with a human." She sounded shocked.

"Why not, you were." I retorted.

"That was different. I knew he was dying and that I would force Carlisle to change him if I had to. Are you willing to do that?" She asked and then another thought crossed her mind, 'Would I have changed him if he hadn't been dying?' She didn't answer because once again she decided it was irrelevant and pushed the thought aside.

"Why would I need to? Her life isn't in danger, and she's not likely to be mauled by a bear anytime soon."

"That's not the point. Vampires and humans only have one type of relationship, and you've already developed that relationship with her. How can you even think about love when all you desire is her blood?"

Rose had no idea how wrong she was. I did want Bella but not just her blood, at least not any more. I surprised myself by realizing I wanted all of her. If that was love, I wondered, then how was I ever going to tell Bella how I felt, especially if she didn't feel the same way?

She must have seen something in my face because Rose blurted out angrily, "I can't believe it; you're in love with that girl! How could you allow that to happen, Edward? You've never really loved anyone before except for family, and now you're having romantic feelings and for a 'human' no less. Why her?" I heard Rose's unspoken 'and not me?' to the end of that question.

Before I realized what I was saying, I responded, "We were very close in the closet and something seemed to change. I think my feelings seemed to change, but I'm not sure what they changed into." I felt reluctant about telling her of the kiss Bella and I shared because it seemed too personal to share at that moment. In fact, I didn't intent to tell anyone about the kiss in the closet because I felt that moment really belonged to just Bella and me. Of course, I wasn't sure what Bella had told Alice while they were upstairs, but as they came down the stairs, I received no indication from Alice that Bella had mentioned the kiss.

A smirk appeared on Rose's face. The thought, 'How the mighty have fallen,' crossed her mind. "You are in love with her. It shows. I can hear it in your voice when you speak about her. So, what are you going to do about it?" Even without the knowledge about the kiss, Rose was positive that I was in love with Bella.

"Nothing," I replied. "What can I do? What if she doesn't feel the same about me? What if she rejects me because of what I am?"

Rose laughed, "Edward, if she disliked you for what you are, she wouldn't hang around with Alice or any of the rest of us, and she definitely wouldn't have wanted to be alone with you in the closet," and then her thoughts continued, 'How pathetic and blind men can be.'

"But she ran out of the closet crying. She can't think much of me."

Rose laughed again. "Edward, you have a lot to learn about women. They don't always cry because they're upset." Again, Rose's thoughts focused on how dense men were about women, and then she wondered exactly what had happened while we were in the closet that would cause 'the human' to cry.

"Then what was she crying about?" I was becoming more confused. Why couldn't Rose just explain to me how the female mind worked? I thought that would have made everything simpler. Besides, it couldn't be that complicated.

'Oh boy, anther ignorant male,' she thought before she replied, "Sometimes they cry because of what you didn't do or because of some off-handed remark. Heck, it could be as simple as the fact that Emmett interrupted something and she felt embarrassed." She emphasized the last part almost as if she were implying that something might have happened that I hadn't told her about.

Well, she was right about that, but I still didn't plan to tell her or anybody else what happened. I wanted to keep this personal experience quiet especially if it had been offensive to Bella. Maybe she hadn't wanted me to kiss her even though she had implied otherwise, so I was back to the same dilemma – what do I do about it and am I in love with her?

"So how will I know what she feels?" I finally asked,

'I can't believe. For someone who thinks he knows everything, he hasn't figured this out,' from her thoughts it was obvious Rose didn't think highly of my mental ability. Rose informed me, "You'll never find out unless you ask her."

I had to admit, I was afraid to ask because if she rejected me I didn't think I would be able to handle it. "Rose, I've never been in love before, but if this is how being in love feels, then I think I would rather be dead."

"Edward," Rose laughed, "you're already dead." She paused a moment and then with a slight laugh added, "This is really hard for you. You can't read her mind, so you have no advantage over the situation." She laughed even louder as she continued. "Now you know how the rest of us feel all the time."

I growled slightly in frustration; she really enjoyed rubbing in the fact that I was as limited as she was because I couldn't just listen to Bella mind and as a result, I had no idea of what to say or do next. It was bad enough that the fact frustrated me, but it was even worse discovering that Rose found the entire situation funny.

Rose suddenly became serious and offered, "As I see it, you have two choices in front of you. You can sulk about being love sick while wondering if she loves you or you can I can find out if she feels the same way. The choice is yours. Think about it." With that, she got up and left chuckling as she entered the house and called, "Hey Emmett, guess what?"

I growled under my breath because I knew she would instantly share everything with Emmett and maybe even Alice, but just then, Alice walked out and sat down beside me.

"Edward, what did you do to Bella in the closet? She was devastated afterward."

I wasn't sure how to answer Alice's questions, so I asked one of my own. "What did she say I did?"

"That's the problem; she didn't say anything. She just cried until she calmed down. Her only comment after that was that you hated her. So again I'll ask; what did you do to her in the closet?" Alice was pressing hard, and she was upset with me because I made Bella cry.

How could kissing her translate into hating her? I was more confused than ever before. Maybe Bella hadn't wanted me to kiss her, but it had felt like she kissed me back. As I recalled the kiss, I remembered her drawing closer to me and putting her arms around my neck, and she definitely kissed me back.

Then I wondered if Alice had seen anything in one of her visions. "What did you see happening in the closet?" I asked.

Alice looked down at her feet and I could tell she was hesitant to admit what she had seen. It didn't take long for me to discover her vision of Bella and I kissing, but the vision was vague and all it showed was a friendly kiss, not the rather passionate one we actually shared.

"Oh, come on Edward, I had already seen you would kiss her, but there had to be more than that to cause her to be as upset as she was." She retorted as she remembered how innocent and harmless the kiss had looked in her vision.

"No Alice, I only kissed her." I had absolutely no intention of telling her how I kissed Bella, and I was surprised she had seen any of it because it wasn't as if I had planned it; it had been more of a spur of the moment decision or maybe more of a 'we got carried away' moment.

"Neither of you said anything to the other while you were in there?" She probed.

"Actually, I asked her if she was afraid of me, but she said no, just that she wondered if I would kiss her. I told her I wouldn't if she didn't want me to. She said she wanted me to, so I did, and then Emmett knocked on the door and interrupted us." I gave her the roughest sketch possible.

"And you didn't say anything else before or after kissing her?"

"Well . . . yes. Afterwards I apologized for kissing her."

"Why? Didn't you mean to kiss her?" She asked while her mind yelled, 'How could you kiss her if you didn't mean it?'

"I did mean it, but I felt I had been inappropriate, so I apologized."

"Edward, she wouldn't think you hated her if you only kissed her and then apologize. So, what did you say exactly?"

"What do you mean she wouldn't think I hated her?" Where had that thought come from, I asked myself. I had never said anything about hating her and how could she possible conceive an apology as a statement of hate.

"It's what she told me just now. She said she knew that you hated her and that she couldn't face you again. I reassured her numerous times that you didn't hate her, but she doesn't convince easily. When she makes her mind up about something even if it is based on some fallacy or misconception, it seems to be set in stone for her."

"I honestly never told her I hated her, Alice." I definitely didn't understand the female mind. Sure, I could hear the thoughts of thousands of females, but that didn't translate into understanding how or why they thought some of the things that they did think. Carlisle once claimed that it was a genetic thing and that unless I could exchange one of my x chromosomes for a y, I would be as confused as all other men, minder reader or not. Maybe he was right.

"So tell me exactly what you said that caused her to believe that you hated her." Alice's look warned me not to omit anything.

I thought back to that moment and then replied, "I simply said, 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen.'"

"How could you Edward?" She accused. 'That was definitely the worst thing to say. Men can be so stupid at time!' Her exasperation was quite evident even without being able to hear her thoughts.

"How could I what? And I'm not stupid!" I couldn't understand why Alice thought it was wrong. I hadn't meant to kiss Bella with so much feeling, and I think I might have held her too tight, not that I didn't thoroughly enjoy it, but that was beside the point. I really wouldn't mind repeating that kiss if I could be sure that I wouldn't harm her. Then I wondered why girls were so vague about what they meant, and instead of waiting for her to reply, I just looked into her thoughts.

'How could he say that? It would sound like he regretted kissing her. That kissing her was a dreadful mistake. No wonder she was so upset. Men can be so dense at times.'

"That's enough Alice," I cautioned.

She narrowed her eyes as she responded, "It's not fair that you can pick through a person's mind and not be held accountable for invasion of privacy, but now that you have; tell me, did you mean the implication behind your words. Were you sorry that you kissed her?"

"No, what I meant was I was apologizing for any pain I might have caused her. I think I might have held her too tightly."

"Edward, I think you should go and tell her that you don't hate her. Explain to her what you meant. She won't stop crying until she knows you don't hate her." Her thoughts took a slight turn as she pondered, 'Hmm, he was holding her while he kissed her. I wonder how he kissed her.'

I didn't want her thoughts to wander any further so I asked, "She's still crying?" I didn't understand why she would be crying. Of course, I also didn't understand how she could have misunderstood what I meant when I apologized. I was beginning to realize that girls were more complicated than I first imagined. It was no wonder that Jasper and Emmett complained a lot about Rose and Alice and how they couldn't understand what they wanted or what they meant. Females, especially those in my own family, I decided, enjoyed making life difficult for me.

For the first time, I realized Jasper and Emmett both needed my sympathy rather than my condemnation for being thickheaded and unfeeling. How could any man understand what a girl was thinking unless he could read her mind? It seemed that girls never really told the truth; they just expected you to understand how they felt. If it wasn't for being able to read minds, I wouldn't have been able to smooth out a lot the arguments between my so-called brothers and sisters. Now, with the advent of Bella, I was finally realizing how hard it really could be to sort out a girl's mind when you couldn't read it.

If that was how things really worked, then I figured Alice was right – I would have to go to Bella and explain to her what I had meant. I would have to tell her that I enjoyed the kiss – but maybe refrain from telling her that I would like to repeat it – and that I had only been concerned that I might have hurt her while holding her.

"Alright," I finally replied, "I'll go up and talk to her, but I hope I don't make things worse than they already are. It's not like I can tell what she's thinking."

"Welcome to the normal world of men who have to figure it out for themselves," Alice snickered.

AN: Without comments, I'm not sure if anyone wants me to take the time to continue this story. Please, let me know by reviewing if I should continue.

Edited 3/27/2009