Title: What You Wish For.

Rating: M.

Pairings: Rukia/Kaien and with all the implications this would have on Rukia/Everyone Else.

Summary: "Drown not thyself to save a drowning man."An AU wherein Aaroniero really was Kaien. Rukia comes to terms with what it would have meant for Kaien to be alive.

Author's Note: A quick thanks to everyone for all the kind reviews! This project is fairly bizarre, so I really appreciate the support.


Chapter Nine…


There's slick grass beneath her hands.

Glancing down in surprise, Rukia flexes her fingers through the cool blades. Did it rain the night before? She doesn't remember.

She probably shouldn't be sitting on cold, wet grass, but she doesn't move. It's quiet here, though Rukia didn't really come for the peaceful combination of solitude and silence.

The wind carries over the distant sound of swords clashing from down in the valley. Of course, Kaien laughs so loud and without any regard for politeness or decorum that she doesn't have to strain her ears to hear him. As the gentle breeze wafts through her hair, she lets her eyes slide shut against the fierce longing that grips her heart. Resting her chin on her knees, she wraps her arms tightly around her legs. Why did she come here?

"He's really something, huh?" says an unexpected voice.

She jumps in surprise as the third seat of her division drops down beside her onto the grass. "Shiba-dono!" Rukia starts to stand, but Shiba Miyako puts a hand on her shoulder to keep her in place.

"Oh, you can call me Miyako-san, Rukia-chan," she says. Her eyes shine bright as new coins. "I know Kaien has you addressing him informally. We can be friends, too, can't we?"

Can they?

Flustered, Rukia stutters out, "He— he wouldn't let me call him 'Vice-Captain'—"

"Well, then I suppose I'll have to take a lesson from my husband and force you into friendship." She attempts a stern expression, but it only lasts a few seconds before the façade dissolves into giggling.

Rukia tries to smile, but the stretch of her mouth feels all wrong.

She summons up her courage to explain why she's sitting here, watching Kaien-dono, even though Miyako hasn't asked. However, just then a splash of water suddenly hits her square in the face. "Gah!"

Miyako gets sprayed as well. "Idiot!" she yells.

Kaien laughs, twirling Nejibana easily through his fingers, and calls back something Rukia misses because there's water in her ears.

"He's going to pay for that," Miyako says cheerfully as she wrings out her hair.

Rukia says nothing. She bows her head in embarrassment as she realizes that Kaien must have known she was here all along. How could she be fooling anyone when she's this pathetically obvious?

She flinches when Miyako suddenly reaches over and pushes her soaked bangs out of her eyes. "There you are. He didn't get it up your nose, did he?"

Rukia shakes her head in the negative and, satisfied, Miyako shifts her attention back to Kaien. "Just look at him," she says, groaning theatrically.

Rukia's face burns because she was looking, though Miyako doesn't seem upset with her. She never does.

"What a ridiculous show-off," she adds with a wink at Rukia.

Kaien's showing off all right. The new recruit he's currently training with has been reduced to slack-jawed amazement as Kaien darts around him with increasingly complicated— and unnecessary— techniques. The rest of the training group members have paused in their own matches to watch Kaien's one-man show. Their claps and cheers just spur him on.

Rukia watches in awe as Kaien somehow manages to execute a particularly impressive move involving a would-be killing strike while still mid-flip. Landing perfectly, he turns a big, foolish grin in their direction. Rukia's heart immediately speeds up, but then she realizes that he's probably looking at his wife. Of course he is.

Miyako laughs and waves him off. Kaien shrugs as if to say, "Show off? Who, me?"

Rukia drops her gaze to where her fingers clutch the fabric of her hakama.

Why did she come here?

"Such a fool," Miyako says fondly.

Something cold plunks down on her head. Glancing up, Rukia blinks in surprise when she sees that the bright sun has disappeared behind dark clouds. The whole sky has gone gray. Strange. Just moments ago— wasn't the sky clear and blue?

Another raindrop lands on her cheek. A shiver of anxiety laces up from her stomach. She hates the rain.

Miyako's voice suddenly becomes serious. "A fool, but he has a big heart, doesn't he? Maybe too big. Sometimes, he does foolish things. You understand that, don't you?"

A crack of thunder causes Rukia to visibly flinch. Why does she feel like this, like every hair on her body is standing on end?

"He's very fond of you. You're fond of him, too, aren't you?"

"What?" Rukia asks, distracted. She reluctantly pulls her eyes down from the sky. "What did you say, Miyako… dono?" She can't bring herself to call her 'Miyako-san.'

Miyako smiles sadly, and it's so incongruous to how mirthful she was just moments ago that Rukia stares. "How long have you been sleeping with my husband, Rukia-chan?"

Horror hits her like another splash of ice water to the face only to be followed by the hot wash of shame.

She knows. Miyako-dono knows. Rukia never wanted it to come to this, but she's been so weak and Kaien-dono so beautiful… She begged him to be more discrete but he… What are they going to do? What will people say when they—?

Wait. Hold on.

"How long?" Miyako repeats patiently.

Rukia opens her mouth and then closes it again. Confusion replaces her panic.

This isn't how it happened.

Miyako can't know about them because she and Kaien weren't sleeping together yet at the time of this conversation. Miyako never asked her that. She had no reason to do so. She said something else, something like, "What's with that glum face, Rukia-chan?"

Another icy draft draws a shiver from her. Something flickers in front of her face, something shiny and white that dances in the wind. Rukia instinctively snatches it out of the air and brings it up to her face. A ribbon? No, not just a ribbon. A familiar ribbon.

Turning her head, she sees Sodeno no Shirayuki sticking out of the ground near her arm. Why didn't she notice her there before?

Oh. Oh.

Her head shoots up as she abruptly remembers—

"You're probably going to want to pick this up, Rukia-chan."

"Why?"

Her smile is unpleasant. "Because this is going to be over really fast if you don't."

Rukia has all of a second to pull her sword from the ground and bring it up to block as Miyako's sword comes down on her head. The heavy impact knocks her over, but instead of bracing herself, she rolls with the momentum. Rolling down the hill— fast, too fast— she comes to an abrupt stop as her back smashes up against a large rock. She hisses in pain.

Unperturbed, Miyako takes her time following Rukia down the hill. "Aaroniero was right," she says. "You really haven't improved much. That's disappointing."

Using Shirayuki as a brace, Rukia pushes herself— too slow, too painful— to her feet. Pain rips up her back, but she bites back the cry that wants to escape her mouth. "Why…" she gasps, "are you doing this?"

"No, no, that's a boring question." A coy smile turns up the corner of her mouth. "A better question would be why are you doing this?"

The words don't make sense, so she dismisses them in favor of what she knows to be true. "You're dead."

"Fair observation," she says, moving too close for comfort.

Gripping her sword tightly, Rukia edges backward despite knowing that she shouldn't give Miyako any further ground. It's like her feet aren't listening to the orders from her brain. "You tried to drown me."

"So melodramatic, Rukia-chan. I'm just having a little fun. Do you remember what that is?" She pauses at the foot of the hill and gives Rukia a beatific smile. "Besides, if I wanted to drown you, then you'd be drowned."

She tries to tap down her panic so she can start thinking clearly, but between the pain and the certainty that she can never take Miyako— it's hard. She takes another step back. Miyako mirrors her and takes one forward, clearly playing with her.

This doesn't make sense. Miyako wouldn't do this. Miyako was kind and patient and perfect.

"This is another dream," Rukia whispers. She holds her sword up, but her hands are shaking. "I have to wake up. I just have to wake up."

The mocking smile slowly leaves Miyako's face. "What makes you think you aren't awake now?" she asks gravely. "And that the other place isn't the dream?"

The question summons an unease that threatens to unravel her, but she says, "No, this is the dream. Because you're here, and you're dead."

"Yes, I'm here," she concedes, "but Kaien is there, and he's dead, too."

Rukia stills as the buzzing fear and confusion in her mind suddenly go quiet.

"And technically, by human world standards, you're dead as well. So where does that leave us all— metaphysically speaking?"

It's like someone else is speaking from far away when she says, "Kaien-dono isn't dead."

"What?"

"I said that he didn't die," she says quietly but with increasing conviction. "It was a mistake. He was in Hueco Mundo, but I brought him home. It was all a mistake. You're dead. Not him. Not him," she repeats.

"You're dead, not him," Miyako mocks. "You really are unbelievable. But I understand. I do. After all, things have really worked out for you, haven't they? You have a lot invested in this now that I'm finally out of the picture and you have my husband all to yourself. Just like you always wanted, right?"

Rukia stumbles back another few feet. She's going to be sick. "No…" She never asked for this, for Miyako to die so she could… If she ever allowed herself to entertain such an ugly wish, then she… deserves all this.

"I think yes." Miyako giggles suddenly. "You know, we used to laugh about you. Silly little girl with her silly little crush. Kaien could barely keep a straight face."

"Stop it."

"Why? I'm only telling you what you already know."

Rukia swallows down the fear-hurt-rage she feels boiling up inside her. "You're lying."

"Why so defensive?" she asks, circling Rukia in a confident, deliberate manner. "You got the last laugh, didn't you? He didn't want you, treated you like a kid, and you stuck your sword through his chest. Talk about a wolf disguised as a lamb! Kaien didn't think you had the killer instinct— none of us thought you'd ever amount to much of anything, actually. But you sure showed us!"

Rukia shakes her head as if she could shake off the implications of what Miyako's saying. She can't listen to this. Miyako's trying to break her down, so she can't listen…

"He was so kind to you, and you murdered him," Miyako says with sick glee. "Definitely didn't see that one coming, Rukia-chan! And now you've managed to get everything you've ever wanted— right under our noses. Took a few decades, but you've done it! I don't know about you, but all that strikes me as damn funny."

Rukia's trying to remain strong against this emotional assault, but here her hand falters and her sword drops by a fraction. Before Aaroniero, no one has ever used the word 'murder' to describe what she did to Kaien— not to her face anyway. It used to frustrate her. As if she didn't know exactly what happened that night, as if she didn't still feel his blood on her hands. But hearing it now and from Miyako of all people…

She and Kaien never talk about what she did. She's tried to bring it up, but he bats the topic away as if it were an annoying insect buzzing around his face. She can assume she's forgiven, but it isn't enough. It's never enough. It… never will be.

Miyako reaches out and touches her cheek. From this close, Rukia sees that Miyako's eyes are dark and fathomless. Like a mouse caught in the gaze of a cobra, she can't move or look away.

"Do you wonder if he thinks about that night when you're in bed together? When he gets too rough, too aggressive, do you think he's remembering how you stabbed him and sent his body away to be eaten by that beast, Aaroniero?"

With a wet gasp, Rukia remembers herself and shrinks away from her. How did Miyako get so close? She puts her sword up between them. "Stay away from me."

"If only."

The sound of steel on steel momentarily distracts them both.

She had forgotten the people sparring down in the valley, but the sound of their battles brings their presence back into stark focus. Kaien's here, she remembers. And there's a monster wearing his dead wife's face.

"Do you think he'd be glad to see me?"

Rukia's gaze swings back to Miyako in alarm.

"No," she says softly. "I don't think so. You've seen to that."

Something like shame coils around her heart. She never intended to…

"You've erased me from his heart," Miyako continues, "and made it as if I never existed. Cut him up into ill-fitting pieces so you could put him back together as something more convenient to the darkness in your heart. Maybe I should return the favor."

Her gaze flicks tellingly over to Kaien.

Her eyes lock with Miyako's in a breathless moment.

Rukia moves first. Instantly forgetting her pain, she spins on her heel and dives towards the heart of the valley. Her only half-coherent thought urges her to get there first. Don't let her…

"Kaien-dono!" she cries.

Kaien's helping adjust the other shinigami's stance, but he pauses at her call and turns in surprise. Rukia doesn't bother with slowing down even as she nears him because she has to reach him first, no matter what. She can't hear Miyako running behind her, but she must be in pursuit.

When she's within an arm's reach, Rukia launches herself at him, hand outstretched to grab his arm.

Her hand goes right through him.

She's going too fast to stop in time, and the surprise at the lack of solidity blocking her throws off Rukia's balance. She stumbles forward, tripping over her own feet. Her whole body passes through him. Cold sensation douses her from head to toe as she staggers forward several feet passed where she meant to stop.

Upon regaining her balance, she looks down at herself in confusion. Bizzarely, she's soaking wet. Her wet uniform clings to her body, and her hair hangs heavy in her eyes.

She turns back to Kaien. And stares in horror.

Kaien isn't Kaien. He's become transparent, transformed into liquid. His face, his body, his hands— all water. There's a moment when he looks confused and maybe a little frightened just before he dissolves entirely into a puddle that spills out into the grass.

He's gone.

Rukia's legs give out, and she collapses to the ground. She doesn't notice. How… how could he be gone? Kaien-dono…

The members of the training squad are all gone now, too. She's alone with…

When she finds it, Rukia's voice comes out ragged. "Where is Kaien-dono?"

Miyako casually walks passed her to the spot where Kaien was just standing. Her hands are clasped loosely behind her back. "I think you've seen enough of my husband lately, don't you?"

Rukia winces at that, but she stubbornly repeats her question. "Where is he? What did you do with him?"

"You're so afraid," Miyako says, tilting her head in mock confusion. "But is it even really Kaien?"

Rukia stops breathing.

"Or could he be someone or something else entirely? What did you bring back with you from the depths of Hueco Mundo? Rukia-chan, what have you done?"

Rukia squeezes her eyes shut and tries to remind herself that this is all a dream. There's no real reason to panic if none of this is real. She doesn't have to listen. "Wake up, wake up, wake up," she hisses to herself.

"If you're dreaming, then why are you so afraid?"

And why does she feel the sting of cold air on her wet skin? Why does her back feel as if it's on fire? Can you feel real pain in a dream? Rukia doesn't know.

Her eyes widen as a sudden realization comes to her. "He was here before!"

"Who?"

"In the dreams from before, Kaien-dono was here." She lifts her head and glares. "He was trying to warn me."

Something flickers in Miyako's eyes and she says, almost eagerly, "Was he?"

"Yes."

"About what, Rukia-chan?"

"Maybe about you."

At that, Miyako groans. "Oh, dear. We seem to be getting nowhere here." She starts twirling her sword around her wrist in a way that reminds Rukia of Kaien's release state. She follows the movement with trepidation.

"Pick up your sword," Miyako says coldly, causing Rukia to start in surprise. She hadn't realized she'd dropped it.

"Drop her again and I'm going to take your head off."

Rukia only pauses for a second due to confusion at this order before retrieving Shirayuki from where she's fallen by her knees. She struggles to her feet just in case Miyako's planning to attack again.

"Why do you think you're here, little girl? Why do you keep coming back? Have you thought about it at all?"

"I don't know what you're talking about! Just tell me where he is!"

"Are you really so worried? Even if all of this is just a dream?"

This is a dream, but even her certainty in this fact does little to quell her growing anxiety. "Yes! Now, where is he?"

"Right here."

She looks up into Kaien's face…

… and screams.

It's that face from her nightmares, the one with the missing eyes, green skin, and horrible tongue. There's a sword sticking out of his chest. His blood flows between them as he reaches red hands for her. "Little girl…"

She's screaming, still screaming, as Rukia lurches backward to escape that terrible grip. She trips, stumbles, and falls— her only thought to avoid touching those loathed hands.

But what should be solid ground that meets her gives way under her weight. She collapses with a splash into what at first feels like water.

It isn't water.

Somehow, it's the grass itself, grown long and slick like gelatin. As if it were quick sand, the grass sucks her down to the waist and holds her there. Struggling against the gooey not-grass does her no good. She's trapped.

The hollow should be bearing down on her now, trapped and helpless as she is, but it's Miyako who stands over her. "Kaien's coddled you," she says. "Always has. But I won't."

Rukia attempts another experimental tug of her body only to slump again in defeat. "You know nothing about Kaien-dono because you're not Miyako-dono."

Miyako ignores her. "One last time, Rukia-chan," she says. "Why are you here?"

Aware of the danger, but helpless to answer any other way, Rukia says, "I don't know."

"Wrong answer."

Rukia hears it before she feels it— a strange rumbling sound that becomes a shaking of the very earth around her. At first, she thinks it's an earthquake, but then a great cracking sound like thunder draws her gaze up to the hills. The valley seems to give a great shudder, and then she hears the rupture of wave against rock, like the bursting of a damn, as the tallest hill transforms into water.

She watches in terror as the hill collapses in on itself, and an avalanche of deafening waves come hurtling down into the valley— straight for her.

"You can't die in a dream," she whispers just before the water crushes down on her. The wave is so heavy that it feels like being hit by a block of cement, and the water sucks her down like a ravenous predator. She spins and jerks helplessly through the current as it pulls her down, down, down...

What's wrong with her, damn it?

Renji?

Such a strange fever, someone else says.

Not just a fever, Urahara says, for whom else could sound so arrogantly certain? Overdose.

But then that other place pulls away from her and Rukia finds herself alone in the darkness.

Rukia drifts along for what feels like an eternity, each moment stretched out impossibly, before the darkness finally grows tired of her and she rolls out of the surf and onto solid ground.

She lies still as the waves, cold and dispassionate, roll over her. Awareness slowly comes back, and Rukia eventually pulls herself up onto her hands and knees. She feels tired and limp, but she still struggles to her feet and stumbles out of the surf's reach.

Rukia glances around at her latest surroundings and experiences a new sense of dread. She's in a cave. Again. What's worse, this is the cave, the one with high obsidian walls and patches of water and ice— the one from her dreams.

It's with a heavy heart that she slowly turns to face what she instinctively knows will be waiting here for her.

Just as Rukia feared, the fallen shinigami still lies right where she left her. But, this time, the dream veil has been lifted and what was once an amorphous, androgynous shape is now clear and distinct. The shinigami has short dark hair and a broken sword grasped by motionless fingers. It's impossible to understand how she could have mistaken her for anyone else.

She feels strangely detached as she approaches the body. Lowering herself to her knees, she sits an arm's length away, close enough to touch but not closer than she can stand. There are so many emotions this should conjure up in her, but all she feels is cold. She and the body remain beside each other, motionless. After a while, Rukia loses track of time, but that doesn't seem very important right now.

"Do you understand yet?"

The sound of the other voice breaks her daze, and Rukia can only nod jerkily as emotion chokes off her throat.

Miyako goes to stand on the opposite side of the girl. She glances down at the body briefly before fixing Rukia with an intense look. "Whose face does she wear?"

How can she make her say it?

"Whose face? Tell me."

"Mine," she gasps through a shuddering breath. "It's… my face."

And it is. They're somehow standing over Rukia's broken body even as she's down on the ground below them. Kaien saved her— the Rukia still on her feet— and brought her back from the brink of death, but this girl isn't moving because she wasn't saved...

"I died, didn't I?"

Just saying it aloud is too much. She draws a labored breath and then drops her face into her hands.

"What do you think?"

Rukia thinks she failed. She either lost her battle against Aaroniero or else they managed to defeat each other in a pyrrhic victory that took both their lives. She went to Hueco Mundo to save her friend, but she died instead. Inoue could also be dead by now. Everyone could be dead. Chad, Ishida, Renji… Ichigo. And Kaien-dono, brought back just to— no.

No!

Something snaps in her, all rationale gone in a flash, and she's up and scrambling away from that body. "I'm dreaming!" she screams so loud that her voice echoes back to her in a horrible, shrieking cacophony that stings her ears.

Miyako's eyes close in frustrated resignation. "Rukia-chan…"

She whirls on her, holding out a hand as if to ward off Miyako and her evil tongue. "No! I was just there! I saw Inoue at her house, I was in Ichigo's room, I touched Kaien-dono— and he was real, damn it!"

"Was it?"

"I'm not listening to you anymore," Rukia says, turning away. On the far side of the cavern, which is somehow both the room in which she fought Aaroniero and the cave from her dreams, the water forms a gentle pool. She edges her way around the pool and runs her hands over the stone walls in search of… something. There has to be a way out of here. She can't be in here any longer.

"There isn't time for this foolishness," Miyako says impatiently. "Come here, Rukia-chan."

"No."

"All right. But remember that you left me no choice."

Rukia jerks back in anticipation of a swift attack, but the rocks block her path and Miyako's too fast. She catches Rukia's sleeve and yanks forward so that Rukia falls. In the second that she becomes aware of this crucial loss, Miyako gets a hold on her neck, and she's thrust forward and down to her knees at the edge of the pool.

"Stop," she gasps, and then her head is pushed into the water.

Her hell is made of water.

She thrashes about in panic, but Miyako's grip is made of iron. Somewhere in her mind, beyond the fear and the pain, Rukia knows that her only chance of prolonging her life is to keep her mouth closed, to keep the water from invading her airways. Except she can't breathe, she's going to drown, and her lungs are desperate to suck in air even where none exists. She opens her mouth even as she expects to breathe in water and—

Air.

The world tilts again as she jerks up into a sitting position, choking and gasping in sweet, delicious air. She can breathe! Her throat, her chest, everything hurts, but she can't stop gulping down that air.

"Rukia?"

It takes some effort, but she slowly lifts her head and meets a familiar pair of eyes.

"Ich…igo?"

"Yeah," he says, sounding relieved.

What is he doing here? How did…? A rush of dizziness hits her, and she starts to slump forward, but Ichigo catches her. Her face ends up pressed against his chest. His shirt smells familiar, like fresh laundry. She remembers that smell from the days she spent living in his closet.

She has no idea how he got here, but she's so very glad to see him.

Rukia feels herself being tilted back, but she can't aid the movement because her neck's turned to jelly and her limbs feel too heavy to lift. She's still soaking wet, but it's with sweat now.

"How… did you get here?" she asks him.

"What do you mean?" he says, sounding worried. "I carried you here. You don't remember?"

She doesn't. Carried her from where? Where's Miyako?

"What's wrong with her, damn it?"

Renji? Yes, he's here, along with others.

Tessai leans over her and feels her forehead. He pulls back one of her eyelids for a better look at her pupils. Rukia's too weak to fight him off. She moans in protest. "Such a strange fever—"

"Not just a fever," Urahara says. He holds up a bottle— Unohana's pills— and shakes it to show that the bottle is empty.

"Overdose," Rukia murmurs, though no one seems to hear.

"Overdose," Urahara says.

Renji says something else, but understanding him requires more effort at the moment than she can spare. Fever or overdose, the fire under her skin feels as if it's consuming her whole body. It's too hot in the room. The sheets of the bed are almost unbearable against her flushed skin.

She squirms uncomfortably until a warm hand suddenly grips hers. Her palms are already damp with sweat and the addition of another warm hand only makes it worse, but then someone takes pity on her and places a cold rag against her forehead.

She sags in relief, and someone whispers something soothing-sounding into her ear. Rukia thinks she sleeps, but it's hard to tell the difference between asleep and awake with everything mired in oppressive heat and gleamed through sweat-stung eyes.

Eventually, the towel disappears and the people in the room change. Around her, the world moves at an accelerated pace while she remains stagnant. There's arguing and whispering, but none of it reaches her. Their voices fly over her like distant birds.

She can still feel Miyako's grip holding her down. Throughout everything she perceives here, she also experiences the cut of the ground into her knees and the pain in her neck from where she's being held under the water.

At one point, Kaien appears at her side. He climbs over her and presses his mouth to hers. She tastes blood and death. He comes at night, and when the sun returns, he becomes Ichigo. Ichigo, who hovers over her with that ridiculous scowl on his face even though everyone can probably see the concern he's failing to conceal. They rotate in tandem, like the sun and the moon.

While Ichigo's daytime visits always seem to be rooted in routine— bitch at her, bitch at Renji, bitch at anyone unfortunate enough to walk by— Kaien's nocturnal visits become increasingly surreal. He comes, kisses her, and smears hot, coppery blood over her mouth and cheeks. The taste coats her tongue. None of this can really be happening, and in fact feels more like a dream than anything before. But the taste remains.

Whose blood is it?

For the first time, genuine fear, bright and sharp, pierces her fugue.

"Rukia-chan, what have you done?"

She reaches out, lightning fast, grabs a fistful of t-shirt, and yanks forward. "Where do you go during the day?" she wants to demand. "What have you been doing?"

But it's Ichigo she pulls over her. Caught off guard, he barely manages to catch himself before he crushes her under him. "The hell, Rukia?"

She doesn't know if he's real or not.

"Where," she croaks, "did he go?"

"What?"

"Kaien-dono!" she cries. "Where is he?"

Ichigo's face clouds over. He tries to pull back, but she's still gripping his shirt. "How the hell should I know?"

"Ichigo!" He flinches at the anger in her voice. Why doesn't he seem to understand the urgency of this moment? "Where is Kaien-dono?"

"Why? What's wrong?"

So many things.

Her grip weakens and she falls back to the bed. Ichigo fades away like a mirage as she descends back into darkness.

Miyako's voice enters Rukia's mind with serpentine stealth.

Now, Rukia-chan, which is real?

Here, there— they're both real. And both just fever dreams.

"I don't know," she whimpers in the darkness. "I don't know."

You do.

"No."

You can't stay between forever. There isn't much time left. Time to make a choice.

"I can't…"

You must. You will.

"But…"

Wake up, Rukia-chan.


~*~

Her fever breaks sometime around midnight, and Rukia wakes with a gasp.

For several seconds, she's too afraid to move. Her eyes adjust slowly to the darkness, and the ceiling of her bedroom soon comes into focus. The room is dark, but it's the normal darkness that comes with night. Someone left a window open, and a cool, twilight breeze passes through the room.

She sits up gingerly, afraid to shatter another illusion. The sheets, moist from her body heat, stick to her skin.

She has to take several slow, bracing breathes before she manages the courage necessary to glance downward. When she sees Kaien sleeping peacefully beside her, Rukia hastily covers her mouth with both hands to stifle an uncontrollable sob.

Without thinking about it, she reaches out with greedy hands and touches him everywhere all over so as to prove to herself that he's really here. He didn't dissolve into water before her eyes, gone from her forever. He's still here.

She crawls over him and desperately kisses her mouth. Still asleep, he mumbles something against her lips that she ignores. Her tears fall on his cheeks, but they're tears of relief as much as sorrow. He no longer tastes of blood and death. He just tastes like Kaien-dono.

Rukia sags into him and buries her face in his neck. She breathes him in, takes in his scent as if she'll need to remember this later. He still doesn't wake as his arms close around her, and she stifles another sob in his collar. She's never wanted to admit it to herself, but there have been times when Rukia's feared that Kaien never came back to life at all, that he's just a reflection of the darkest, most secret wishes of her heart.

But if Kaien isn't real, then Rukia isn't real either, and she must have died in Hueco Mundo. Maybe Aaroniero really did drive his blade through her body. Maybe there was never an Aaroniero at all, and Rukia conjured him herself out of desperation during her last moments of consciousness.

But if they're both dead, then at least they're dead together this time.