Chapter Nine

On Sunday, I have a long battle with myself over whether I should go to the woods to hunt or stay home to avoid Gale. I know there is a big possibility that he will be in the woods, and I am not ready to face him again. I finally decide to go hunting, remembering that while Gale now has the money to buy meat, I still have to illegally hunt to provide for my family. Screw Gale.

It isn't long before I am sitting high up between the two rocks that overlook the valley - the spot that Gale and I adopted as soon as we started hunting together years ago. I am relieved to find the woods void of another human being but, as I sit in silence, I start to feel lonely. I have to remind myself that Gale humiliated me in front of the entire school, but a little part of me still misses him. For years he has been my hunting partner, my friend... It is hard being without him.

While I sit, several animals show their bravery as they appear from their habitats. As soon as my eyes land on them, I load my bow and fire an arrow, the tip hitting them right in the eye.

After more than an hour, my game bag is full. I continue to sit between the two rocks as I skin the animals in my bag, hoping to get more from my trades because I have completed the messy task of ridding them of their fur. I am so engrossed in skinning that I don't hear him approach.

"I didn't think you would show," a familiar voice speaks from behind me. I freeze, but refuse to react in any other way. He continues to move closer, until I can see him. My eyes involuntary take in his rugged appearance. His dark hair appears to have been deprived of a good wash in weeks, his facial hair makes him look scruffy and older than his eighteen years, and there are purple bags under his eyes that hint at lack of sleep.

"I wasn't going to come, but then I decided we should probably talk," Gale says. "You can say your bit first."

I scoff. "What makes you think I even want to speak to you? You humiliated me, Gale. You had no right saying those things. It was no ones business but my own. You asked me what was wrong the day you came home, and I told you."

"I thought something was wrong with you," Gale says.

"There was something wrong with me, Gale! I lost my baby! It has been hell, and you being here has made it worse."

"You think it was hell for you? What about me, Katniss? Do you think I enjoyed fighting to the death in the arena, murdering innocent children, doing anything possible to get through the night? Do you know what is worse than dying in the arena? Do you?" I don't say a word. "Surviving the arena. Surviving is worse than death. They don't teach you that in training. You have no idea what hell is. You had sex with someone the night I was reaped. Do you know how that makes me feel? I hadn't been gone a whole day and you had already forgotten me."

"It wasn't like that. I was distraught. I wanted to forget about being strong for once. I wanted to forget that I would have to hunt for two families. I just wanted to feel something, Gale."

We look at each other. Gale's face is red with anger, and I can imagine my face looking exactly the same. He sighs, and it is as if the anger deflates out of him. I take a deep breath, bury my head in my hands. These last few weeks have been hard for me, but Gale is right when he says he has been through hell.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"I think I'm going crazy, Catnip. I hear their screams everywhere I go. When I sleep, I hold a knife in my hand. Rory snuck up on me as a joke the other day and I nearly killed him."

"Nobody who has had to experience the Games will come home the same, Gale. Nobody. Not me. Not you. Not Prim. Nobody."

"In the arena, I kept reminding myself of the good things," Gale says. "I thought about you the most. I would sit in the cave by the river and hope that if I came home, I would finally be good enough for you. I thought maybe being away from each other would make you realise you felt the same way as I did."

"I wish I loved you like that, Gale. Life would be so much easier if I felt the same way. But I don't. That may be hurtful and it may sound harsh but, Gale, we are too alike. We are both fire. Together we'd be… destructive."

"You sound so old when you talk like that," Gale whispers, staring at his hands.

"I feel old. I grew up way too fast, we both did. And what happened to me and what you had to go through isn't going to make us feel any younger. We are never going to forget what has happened. The arena will be stuck with you and my baby will always be with me, but we just have to take one day at a time. We need to hope. As long as we hope, we will survive."

"You would have been a great mother, Catnip," Gale says, and tears fill my eyes.

"I like to think so. The worst thing is... I thought of it as a mistake, as just another mouth to feed. And now, sometimes when I'm alone, I'll stand in front of the mirror and imagine how I would've looked if I had made it far in the pregnancy. I wonder what it would have looked like, if it would have been a boy or a girl. If he or she would resemble me with my olive skin and grey eyes or if it would have pale skin and blue eyes like…"

I trail off as I realise I have said too much.

"A merchant. Well, that narrows it down a lot," Gale says, releasing a loud sigh. "Every male townie I see will make me wonder."

"You are torturing yourself by wanting to know who it is, Gale," I say, trying to keep my anger at bay. "Just forget."

"That's easier said than done," he replies and silence settles over us. He takes a handful of berries from his pocket, holds one between his thumb and pointer finger, and throws it in an arch towards me. I catch it in my mouth and Gale smiles, just like he would have done before everything happened.


Four Days Later

"Have you been talking to Peeta?"

My head snaps in the direction in which Prim is sitting, my curious eyes falling on her small frame.

"No. Why do you ask?"

Prim shrugs, not meeting my suspicious gaze. "No reason. He's nice. I went to the bakery to thank him for walking you home the other day and he gave me a cookie."

"Is that so?" I question.

"Yes," is all she says.

"Prim, what's going on?"

She lifts her head so our eyes meet. "Nothing is going on, Kat."

"He hasn't been asking you to talk to me or anything, right?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "No. He did ask about you, though."

"He did?"

My sister nods. "I told him that you were fine and he said that was good to hear. Did you say something to upset him? He seemed nervous, especially when Gale walked in to get some bread."

"What did Gale do?" I ask, now leaning forward, my elbows on my knees as I focus all my attention on what Prim has to say.

Prim narrows her eyes at me and I quickly sit back, trying not to seem so eager. "He didn't do anything. He got his bread and left."

"Oh. Okay."

"Why? What did you think he would do?" Prim asks.

"I don't know," I say.

Silence falls over us but I sense that Prim wants to say more. However, I don't make an effort to ask what it is she wants to say, preferring to sit in a peaceful silence in the hope I will drift off to sleep. Lately, all I seem to feel is unrested. I am just starting to drift off when I hear Prim speak again.

"It was him."

My whole body stiffens but I try not to react in any other way. I swallow hard. "It doesn't matter who it was."

"It was him," Prim repeats.

"Drop it."

"I don't mean to pry, Katniss."

"Well, you are prying, Prim. Stop it. I don't want to talk about it."

"I'm sorry," she says, her voice small. I instantly feel guilty. I look at her. Her eyes seem fixed on the floor and she chews the nails on her right hand.

"I'm sorry, Little Duck. I just... I want to keep this between us. I don't want you to say anything to anyone."

"I won't speak a word of it to anyone," Prim replies. "Does mother know it was him?"

"No. I'd like to keep it that way."

"Okay."

I relax again as the conversation comes to an end. I close my eyes and release a soft sigh, glad the conversation is over. I hear Prim clear her throat and my eyes fly open.

"Just say it," I say with a loud sigh and Prim giggles.

"Well, I was just wondering… I mean, you don't have to tell me… but…"

"What?" I ask, feeling extremely curious as Prim's cheeks turn a deep shade of red.

"Well... I guess what I'm trying to ask is... Where did it happen?"

"Prim!" I scold. "That is one thing you will never get out of me!"