Torin: A turian male of the age of majority. Equivalent of man.

February 13, 2187

True to her word, Shepard didn't budge from Garrus's side for twenty-four hours. Anticipating that, someone dropped food off outside the door, knocked, and left at both dinner time and breakfast the following morning.

After Garrus returned to work, Shepard got up, showered, and went looking for Joker, needing to tell him why the woman he loved was dead. She found him on the bridge running systems checks with Tali.

"Hey, Commander," he called. "So, just had to go and get yourself resurrected twice, didn't you? Couldn't be happy tying Lazarus and Jesus, although he's supposed to be coming back again too, so you'll have to be okay knowing you won't hold the record forever."

Shepard smiled and let out a heavy sigh. "Yeah, coming back just wouldn't have been the same without that. Thanks, Jeff." She winked at Tali. "Could I have him all to myself for a minute?"

"Whoa, wait a minute," Joker called after Tali as she left the bridge. "She called me 'Jeff'. Don't go! Leaving me alone with her ends badly for me either way. Either she wants to kill me without any witnesses, or she wants me, and Garrus will kill me! He doesn't care about witnesses!"

Shepard cuffed him. "Stop it. You know my hopeless crush on you will always remain just that." Sitting on the arm of the copilot's chair, she looked into his eyes, seeing there the pain he was hiding behind his jokes. "I actually need to talk to you about something." She took a deep breath, her stomach feeling like a nervous acrobat doing somersaults. After another deep breath, she steeled herself, and told him what happened to EDI.

He was silent for a minute, then shook his head. "What do you want me to say, Shepard? Are you looking for my approval?"

"I don't know, Joker. I just thought you deserved to know the truth."

"Oh good. Well, now I do. Instead of believing the Reapers killed her, I know it was you, one of my best friends, and someone both EDI and I trusted implicitly."

"I... I'm sorry." Shepard shook her head, not sure what to say. Nothing she said or did could change what she did. His words reached inside her, constricting her heart and lungs until she reached up and tugged at the collar of her t-shirt; short of breath and feeling choked.

"Ohhhh, I see," Joker said, his voice hard and bitter. "You're feeling guilty, so you were hoping I'd hold your hand and tell you that it's all okay? I was just supposed to be all right with the fact that you're too much of a coward to follow anything other than the familiar path?" He nodded and shrugged, holding up his hands as if to stop her from arguing with him. "No, no... I get it. You kill things. That's what you do, right? Three hundred thousand batarian women and children, a couple million geth... EDI. It's all just body count, right? You knew how it would turn out if you killed the Reapers. If innocent people die at the same time, well, that's too bad."

"Joker!" Tali called, striding through the door. "Stop it! That's not fair."

Shepard let out a low moan, but shoved the pain aside and reached out, taking the quarian's hand to still her outburst. "It's okay, Tali. He isn't lying." She stood and walked out the door.

"Shepard!" Tali followed her. "I..."

Shepard shook her head and didn't look back. She knew if she did, she'd fall apart, and she couldn't allow that. Not here, not now. Not ever. "Look after Joker, Tali. I'm fine."

As she walked toward the elevator, Shepard walled the guilt and sorrow back up, clenching her jaw against the screams as they beat at the brick and mortar of her control. She couldn't burden Garrus with all this pain, frailty... madness. Besides, he believed that if the truth was known, the galaxy wouldn't condemn her for the genocide she'd committed. She needed to give him the gift of holding onto that belief. He held so few illusions that he deserved to keep the ones he allowed himself.

Instead of heading up to her quarters, however, Shepard wandered the ship, dropping in on Dr. Chakwas for her twice daily check up before heading down to the shuttle bay . She needed to make arrangements with James to get herself back in shape. Her implants had kept her from losing as much condition as she should have, but she needed to get herself back to exactly who she was before she died ... again.

Every part of the ship was being torn apart and rebuilt in some way. She picked her way through the construction, trying to keep out of the way, finally making it to the shuttle bay, where one team of Alliance engineers moved the shuttle forks to the top of the ramp, and another installed a massive rack system for securing crates.

"I feel like we're turning her into a freighter," Steve called over the racket.

"We just about have to," Shepard agreed. "She's going to be out there on her own for a long time."

"You should see what they're doing to the starboard cargo hold. Massive new water tanks and recycling system. Even the garbage compactor has been ripped out and replaced by a recycling unit. They're saying 100% reclamation, but I'm not buying that horse."

Shepard winced. "What are they turning our garbage into?"

Steve shrugged. "Hopefully not food... not that we'd be able to tell the difference."

"I saw that they were tearing out the conference room, not that there was much of one. What's that area being turned into?" She asked, walking down the center of the bay.

"Three small staterooms for guests. They took the starboard observation lounge apart yesterday and enlarged the crew quarters, adding a small exercise area."

"They tore the table out behind the elevator in the galley too."

Steve nodded. "Refrigeration and freezer unit. We're going to be too heavy to get her off the ground."

Shepard chuckled. "Thank goodness for eezo. How long until she's ready to go?"

"They figure about another week. They are planning on doing some massive work back behind the elevator down here. Putting in a narrow access and installing an aft battery." He scowled at that. "They say that it won't compromise safety, but I don't like it."

"Yeah, the rest feels cosmetic, another gun feels invasive." She shrugged. "Never hurts to have another gun if she gets in over her head with raiders, but they're going to have to install some safeties." She patted Steve's back and winked. "Anyway... have fun. I know secretly, you're loving this."

He laughed. "You know it, Shepard." He held her with a considering stare. "You know, whatever it is, you can always talk to me about it, Shepard." He laid a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You went through fifty kinds of hell before you went up to the Crucible and who knows how many after. No one expects you to just walk away from that." He smiled.

Shepard nodded. "Thanks, Steve. I'll take you up on that." She laid her hand over his for a second, then headed over to find James amidst the chaos.

"Hey! James! You in here, somewhere?" When no one answered, she pulled her hood up and headed out into the rain. The crowd had dispersed thanks to the downpour, so she walked down the ramp, staying under the relative shelter of the Normandy's nose. She found James sitting on the ground behind a crate out near the end of the dry area.

"Hey," she said, crouching beside him. "What's up?"

He shrugged. "Just taking a few minutes away from the noise." He tilted his chin toward her.

"What's going on?"

Shepard sighed and lowered herself onto the tarmac, sitting cross-legged. "I need you to whip me back into shape. And I mean dog me hard. The Normandy leaves in just over a week, and I don't want to be stuck here waving goodbye as you guys fly off. I've got to get Dr. Chakwas to sign off on me before then."

He nodded. "Sure, I can do that. Can you be ready for a good long run just after dark?"

Shepard grinned. "I can. I'll bring bottled oxygen and a defibrillator with me." She slapped his knee lightly, and moved to stand, but then caught the expression on his face and settled back down. "You really doing okay?"

He shrugged. "Just dealing with a few ghosts today, Lola. De nada."

Shepard let out a long breath. "Yeah, got more than a few of those following me around these days too. If you want to talk about it, you know I'm available."

"Gracias." He pushed himself up. "Better get back to work." He held out his hand to help her up onto her feet.

Shepard grasped it with her prosthetic and stood.

"This the new one?" he asked, giving it a hard squeeze.

"Ow. Yes, but it has biofeedback sensors that tell me when someone is clamping down on it like a vice." She chuckled and led the way back up the ramp.

"Feels pretty real. How about the leg?"

Shepard laughed. "Nice try, but you won't be feeling that one." She slapped him on the back. "See you later."

"1800, and come prepared to get your butt kicked," he replied.

"Aye, aye, LT." Shepard headed for the elevator and the crew deck.

It felt strange to have her entire ship being turned inside out without her. "A look at things to come, Shepard," she muttered to herself. Tomorrow, she'd head to engineering and give them a hand, unofficially. Surely, Dr. Chakwas didn't expect her to sit on her hands until she was reinstated. Today, however, she strode over to Liara's quarters and knocked.

"Come in."

Shepard hit the door control, walking through once it opened. "Hey."

Liara looked up from her computer and turned in her chair. "Shepard."

"How are you doing? I got the sense something was off yesterday." Shepard looked around for Glyph, but didn't see the drone and wondered where it was.

Liara stood and held out a hand, inviting Shepard to sit in the chair she'd just vacated. The asari paced up and down the room a couple of times, her strides slow and measured. Her face creased in a thoughtful scowl. "I'm worried about you, Shepard. I saw what you were living in before Garrus pulled you out." She sighed and walked over to sit on the end of her bed. "I'm not... Are you sure you should be coming back at all, let alone so soon?"

Shepard nodded. "We both know that I'm not as easy as that to break, Liara."

Liara nodded. "I felt something else while we were joined, Shepard. I know about your doubts. I know there is a big part of you that believes you're falling over Alchera... that this is all some sort of hallucination or dream. I'm really worried."

"That I'm completely batnuts?" Shepard chuckled. "Yeah, join the club. I don't know, Liara. Do we just turn on and off? Where did I go for two years? I remember nothing. This time, I heard a voice. I had awareness. Which is real? The first, the second, both?" Her next laugh came out bitter. "I almost died when the batarians attacked Mindoir. I almost died again on Akuze. Actually died over Alchera. Mostly died on the Crucible. How am I supposed to believe anything?"

"You're real, Shepard. This isn't some delusion, it's your life." She reached out and laid her hand over Shepard's. "But, I understand your confusion."

"Do you trust me, Liara? Do you trust me to decide if I'm capable of command? You know that I love this crew. I'd never place any of you in danger. If I don't get myself back to 100%, I'll tell Dr. Chakwas that I'm unfit, and I'll stay behind when the Normandy heads out." Sighing, Shepard shook her head, hating the idea of watching her ship leave without her. It would happen one day, but not yet. "You've been inside my mind, Liara. You know that I was falling apart throughout the war, but I held it together."

"I also saw that you plan to retire." Liara held Shepard's stare.

"Yes. I've had enough of death, but I want to retire, not get Cat 6'd into retirement. I think I've earned the right to decide how I go out." Shepard stood and walked to the door. "I've always had your back, Liara. I've thought you were headed into darkness more than once, but in the end, I trusted you to know your limits and recognize when you got too close to the edge."

Liara got up and walked over, taking Shepard's hands in hers. "You're my friend ... more than my friend, Shepard. I love you like a sister, and I don't want to see you get hurt any more. I'm worried about you, not your ability to command. If you were nearly dead and completely insane, we'd all still follow you into hell, and you'd get us out." She pulled Shepard into a hug. "But I want to see you get all the other things you want from life, Shepard, for you and for Garrus." She pulled back. "He can't lose you again. Know that. If you go, he'll follow, whether it's into madness or death."

Shepard nodded. "Yeah. Just please, trust me to do what's best for everyone? He needs me to be okay. I need to be okay for him. If I need to vent the crazy, I know just who to come to." She took Liara's hands, as she smiled. "I'm okay, Liara... well, an okay mess. Everything else will fall into place when I'm living my life again."

Giving Shepard's hands a squeeze, Liara nodded. "Okay, but I expect you to come talk to me."

"Always." Shepard released her and headed out the door.

Inside the elevator, Shepard leaned against the wall, letting out a shaky breath, daring to believe Liara for a moment. Surely, if anyone would know whether she was alive, deluded, or whatever,, it would be Liara. But of course, if this was all in her mind... if she was burning up in Alchera's atmosphere or drooling mindlessly on the Crucible, she hadn't just talked to the real Liara. She pushed the doubts away as the elevator doors opened outside her quarters.

Real or not, Liara was right about Garrus. She felt it every time he held her. If the Normandy had arrived back at Earth, and he'd been shown her body, he would have just disappeared. Her throat closed when she thought of how they would have found him, then shook her head. No. She wouldn't let that happen.

She stopped outside the door and took a couple of deep breaths.

"You can do this, Shepard. You can hold it together for him. You can be okay for him until it ends."

Garrus sat working at her computer when she entered. She peered over his shoulder at a massive requisition order.

"They need new faucets and shower heads in the women's washroom," she said, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

"I'll add them to the list."

"Poor old Normandy," she sighed, heading down to the stairs. "Hopefully this time, they actually have time to finish the work so there aren't power cables stretched everywhere."

"She'll be nearly self-sufficient, although I'm concerned about the aft battery idea. I've been over the plans with the team installing it, but there's a reason everything is built in the center of the ship, away from the hull." He shook his head. "I understand their reasoning for wanting another gun, but I sure don't want to be back there during a firefight."

"Yeah, Steve and I were discussing that. I'm going to recommend that they put in a shield door and emergency force field at the entrance to the access and build both the gun and the safety door so that they're controlled from the forward battery. That way we don't have people back there unless we're doing maintenance."

He chuckled and nodded. "Commander Shepard taking two entire days off was too much to hope for, I suppose."

She grinned and flopped on the bed. "You're a dreamer, Vakarian. I love that about you." She turned so that she was facing him and rolled onto her stomach, but then closed her eyes and rested her head on her arms.

"Have you seen Bailey or the Council since you got back?" she asked without opening her eyes. "I heard someone say they hung around the hospital a lot while I was out, but I haven't heard a peep since I woke up."

"Bailey said Tevos and Sparatus went by to see you a couple times a week, and he spent a couple hours a day talking at you. Why are you thinking about the council? Going to join?"

Shepard looked up at him and laughed. "We'd find out if salarians can spontaneously combust. God, wouldn't Valern hate that?"

Garrus got up and walked down to stretch out beside her on the bed. "As for Bailey, he's got a crush on you, so he's probably hiding, thinking that I told you."

She shook her head. "Which you just did." She rolled over on her side and leaned up on her elbow, resting her head in her hand. Running gentle fingers over his chin, she felt the screams calm a little, the angry fists of the dead no longer beating at the inside of her skull. Gratitude filled her. If it was a dream, it was a beautiful dream.

She took his hand. "What do you think of my staying a Spectre?"

"Is this an actual question, or rhetorical?"

"Actual."

"It means being on the move all the time, especially until the relays are up and running. But, you're the best in the galaxy, Shepard, and not just because you're the second best shot."

She sighed and shook her head.

"You use your brain and your instincts more than your weapon. You don't just run in shooting. The galaxy needs more people making that choice."

"When does the 'but' show up?"

He squeezed her hand. "There's no but. Shepard, it's your life and your decision."

"No." She lifted her head and reached over to touch his face. "It's not. It's our life now, Garrus, and our decision." She leaned back on her hand. "As for being on the move all the time... I don't want that any more." She wriggled in a little closer. "When you think about leaving the Normandy, what do you feel?"

He let out a long breath and shrugged. "About as conflicted as you feel. The best times of my life have taken place aboard this ship, and thinking about leaving her and the crew is like thinking about leaving home." He played with her fingers for a moment, studying that connection. "But, there are other things I want out of life, and a frigate isn't the best place to accomplish them." He sighed. "Besides, now I have to weigh the Primarch asking me to take on this responsibility to my people... I don't know, Shepard. Part of me wants to go back to our rogue days."

She smiled. "Yeah. Well, I know two things for sure. The first is that I don't want to be halfway across the galaxy from you six months at a time. That's no way for us to function as a family."

"And the second thing?"

"I don't know how I'm going to handle staying still. I've been on the move since I was sixteen, Garrus, and I'm not sure I can just stop. I want to. I want quiet evenings at home; long, lazy vacations with kids splashing in lakes and nights spent making out with my husband by the fire... the whole package."

"So how does being a Spectre fit into this picture?"

She closed the centimetres between them and pressed herself against his length. "If I stay with the Alliance, they will find something new for me to do before I've finished the last thing. You've seen it. Someone hiccoughs and they scream, 'Get Shepard. Only Shepard can cure a hiccough like that.' Maybe, as a Spectre, the galactic threats will be at a minimum for a while, and I can acclimatize to sedentary life while still seeing a little action."

Shepard slid her hand up inside his tunic to stroke his side. "I don't know, Garrus. I'm just throwing around ideas at this point."

He laid his hand over hers, thumb talon caressing her through the fabric. "The turian military is going to be recruiting and training heavily for the next decade or two. Would you consider becoming an instructor?"

"Hmm." Her brow wrinkled in a thoughtful frown. "You know, that isn't an option that had even occurred to me. See, this is why I ask you about these things." She mulled it over for a few more minutes. "You know, every race is going to be rebuilding their military with barely any resources. The fleets are ragtag at best... facilities are blown to hell... What if we created a galactic military academy? All the races could pool their resources to build one facility, and the recruits could train with instructors from every race. We could build a galactic military to defend all space, rather than everyone guarding their stick in the ground, as Wrex once said."

Garrus nodded. "It's worth proposing. Whether at a galactic academy or one on Palaven, teaching would keep you busy as hell, but also keep you home most of the time."

She kissed him. "You're a genius."

He chuckled. "I have moments."

"So, what are the things that you want that mean leaving the Normandy?"

He cleared his throat, his mandibles dropping as he shifted beside her. "You know that I'm not good at talking about this stuff, Shepard."

She nodded. "I know, but you have to be able to talk to me about this stuff. What do you want from our life, from us, from me?"

"What I want from you is easy. You know that thing you do with your tongue …."

She elbowed him. "Come on." Leaning up again, she looked into his eyes. "I need to know what you want and hope for our future, Garrus. I don't want forty years to pass before finding out that you weren't happy or had been missing out."

"If I get forty years with you, Shepard, I'll be happy." He pulled her into his arms and held her so her head was cradled against his chest. "I know it's impossible in the usual sense, but I want to have a family. Midnight feedings, temper tantrums, homework, first dances, driving lessons, grandkids …." He ran his talons through her hair. "I never thought I'd want any of that."

A soft smile lifted the corners of her mouth as she stared into his eyes. "I never thought about it either, but I guess it was because I hadn't met the right man." She kissed his nose. "Now, it surprised and scares me how badly I want it." She laid her hand against his scars. "How do you feel about adoption?"

"There will be a lot of kids needing homes out there."

"I'm sensing another 'but'."

"I want to see what our options are." He cleared his throat again. "I want to raise your children, Shepard, even if we can't create them together."

"Commander Shepard pregnant. I'm pretty sure people would buy tickets to see me waddling around in fat, pregnant lady armour." She chuckled self-consciously. "Yet, I love the idea-leaving behind taking life in favour of creating it." Pausing, she let the idea sink in. As it did, she realized that she wanted it, badly. She grinned. "Okay, then we see what our options are. I think Karin is a good place to start. Not to make her sound too much like an underworld crime lord, but she's got connections."

She hugged him. "I think I'm going to take a nap. James starts raking me over the coals tonight, so I want to be rested. It'll also give you a chance to do the things you need to be doing instead of babysitting me."

He held onto her when she tried to move away. "There's nothing else I need to do."

She leaned up and kissed him. "Well, then at least let me get under the covers." She wriggled out of his grasp and quickly stripped out of her clothes.

"What kind of nap is this?" he asked, watching her.

"The kind where if my torin is in bed with me, I want to feel him against me. And, maybe, if he's very, very lucky, the kind where I do that thing with my tongue."