"What's goin' on, Sam? This why you look like a scarecrow on a diet?" Dean asked, tugging the warm throw over his brother. Bobby's bed was downstairs and easier for Sam to reach, so that's where they'd put him.

Sam nodded, his head back and one arm tossed over his eyes. "I can't stop thinking about her, Dean."

Dean swallowed hard. "But you said she was a demon?"

"She was possessed by a demon. Just possessed. I … I could have saved her. Could have used … you know … my powers."

Dean was silent, thinking, then spoke quietly, "You remember Meg, right?"

Sam snorted, "The one who possessed me and almost made me kill you and Jo? Yeah, Dean, I remember."

"Well, remember when we exorcised her the first time around? The blond chick she left behind? That girl was as good as dead, Sam. I mean, her body was toast. Possession was the only thing keeping her vertical, right? You know how demons leave their live hosts. They leave 'em dead or wishing they were."

"But we don't know that for sure."

"Sure we do. That girl you … you drank? She was worse than dead already. You just stopped another demon from walking the Earth is all."

Sam froze, muscles tense. He dropped his arm and blinked at his brother. "Why did you say it like that?"

"Like what?"

"That I … that I … drank her? How'd you know?"

Dean backpedaled, calm on the outside. "Lucky guess, Sam. I mean, the demon blood and all."

"Oh."

"Point is, you gotta come to terms with what happened and stop letting it get in the way of living. You're gonna kill yourself, Sammy. You gotta eat, you know?"

"I know. I just … can't. I still see her, Dean. Toward … toward the end … the demon was pissed at me, you know? It retreated and left the nurse … she was a nurse, Dean. She … she didn't know what was going on. I had her … had her pinned to a table when she woke up. She begged me. She pleaded with me not to hurt her. Said she had a husband." Sam gagged again, and Dean made a grab for Bobby's wastebasket.

"Sammy …" Dean lamented in empathy as Sam dry-wretched into the basket. "You gotta let it go, man."

"I'm a monster, Dean. You should just …"

"Shut it, Sam."

"I'm sorry." Sam mourned, dropping his hand to his side and hissing in pain.

"What's wrong?"

"Pain's coming back."

"It's too soon for more painkillers."

"I know." Sam sighed. "It's okay."

Dean was silent, pissed beyond words at what that demon bitch had done to his little brother. "It's not okay, Sam. It's pretty damned far from okay." He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "If you're layin' there thinkin' you deserve this, you're wrong." He stood suddenly and launched a kick into the drywall. "I wish I had that bitch right here, right now. The things I'd do …"

"Dean."

"What?"

"Bobby's gonna kick your ass."

Dean snorted. "Yeah, I guess he might."

"Dean?"

"What, Sam?"

"Why were you already in Tucson when I called you?"

Dean clenched his fists at his side to keep the trembling at bay. He stalled for time. "Didn't we have this conversation already?"

"Why were you already there? It was because of me, wasn't it. You were … you were there 'cause you were … were hunting me."

Dean rolled his eyes, feigning disbelief. "Right, Sam. I went to Tucson to hunt my baby brother."

"Turn around."

"What?"

"Turn around. Face me."

Dean sighed, steeling himself, and turned. "I could never hurt you, Sam. You have to know that." He worked to keep his face neutral.

Sam studied him. "You know, it's okay if you were. It's like I said, Dean. I'm a monster. Done monstrous things." He shifted, trying to alleviate a sudden cramp in his abdomen.

"You're not a monster. You're my brother and nothing you could ever do could ever change that."

"Monstrous things, Dean. She had a family. Who knows, maybe she had …" Sam's voice hitched, "had kids."

Dean shook his head. "She didn't."

Sam's brow furrowed, "How do you know?"

"I just do. If she had, she'd have mentioned them."

Sam looked down, ashamed, "I'm just sayin', if you did come to Tucson to h-hunt me, I understand. I won't hold it against you. I won't be mad, Dean. Just … don't lie to me, please." Sam turned his full puppy-eyed stare on his brother.

And Dean almost caved. Almost spilled the beans right there, but he just couldn't. Sam was hurting so badly right now, in every way it was possible to hurt. He couldn't add to it by telling his kid brother that he'd lost such complete faith in him that he was planning to do exactly what Sam now accused him of. He tried to look as sincere as possible. "I didn't, Sam. I swear. I wasn't in Arizona looking for you. I was just following demon signs." That wasn't too far from the truth.

Sam suddenly looked so relieved that Dean wanted to cry. "Thank God." He breathed, smiling through unshed tears. "All those months, Dean, all I could think about was getting back to you." He suddenly laughed mirthlessly. "Really. It was the ONLY thing that kept from diving in front of a car, man. If you'd lost faith in me … well."

"What?" Dean asked, contrite.

"I dunno, I just wouldn't have been able to stand it, I think. I mean, you've always been there for me, Dean. Through every shit thing I've ever done, every horrible decision I ever made. Even when I … I beat the crap out of you and left you layin' there on the floor of that hotel … you still never lost faith." Sam looked up with a watery smile. "Thanks, man."

Dean died a little inside at that smile. Sam's words were like knives gutting his soul. He HAD lost faith. He HAD given Sam up for gone.

He had.

He'd done everything that Sam had just thanked him for not doing.

He was such a shit.

But he could never admit it - not to Sam.

Instead he turned away, swiping at his eyes, "S'okay Sammy. You'd have done the same. You know you would have."

And Dean knew it too. Sam would have stayed the faith. He'd have never given up on Dean like Dean had given up on him. Sam would never have entertained the thought of hunting his brother. Never. He'd have searched for him and found him and tried to drag him home.

Just like Dean should have done. Just like Sam thought Dean had done.

"I … uh … I gotta go see if Bobby needs any help. You still want that coffee?"

Sam smiled again, "YES! Please. You have no idea how badly I still want that coffee."

Dean snickered, "Comin' right up, Samantha, you big girl."