For the life of me,
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise
And we'd never compromise
For the life of me,
I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen.
- The Verve Pipe, The Freshmen
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms,
I've been trying my best to get along.
But that's okay
There's nothing left to say cause…
In fact I'd feel a whole lot better,
If you'll think of me.
- Keith Urban, You'll Think of Me
Okay. I'll explain.
JT and I were steadily going out. I was fifteen. During the summer, we had a lot of sex, and… JT overestimated the size of his… member.
Basically, the condom slipped off, and I got pregnant.
So there we were, two teenagers, with a baby coming. Obviously, we had a lot of decisions. After many obstacles, including JT's attempted suicide, we managed to make a very difficult decision.
We put our baby up for adoption.
And we gave him to a family from the States, the Smith family. Never to see our baby again.
However, although we technically weren't his parents anymore, he was still sentimental for us, so we gave him a name. James.
This leads us back to the little boy and his mother I had seen that day. It was James. And Mrs. Smith.
Only, she and her husband had given him a different name. Samuel. This caused my heart to break. Obviously, we had named him James after his father. It hurt me to see my baby in the arms of another woman, being raised, happily, not knowing he had another mother living far away.
At first, I was under the impression that I would be able to see little James at regular visits, but this was obviously not what the Smiths wanted. They had refused to allow my visit, causing me much pain, sorrow, and grief.
But now, the Smiths were here. In Toronto. For how long, they didn't know. This meant I would have to see James. Right?
I sighed as I turned the keys in the door that night, the image of James still imprinted in my mind. JT was already home, sitting on the couch, reading a newspaper. He looked up, immediately able to tell something was wrong. "What happened?" he asked, frowning.
"I saw him, JT." I whispered.
He froze, looking at me strangely. "Saw…who?"
I swallowed, a lump in my throat. "James," I managed to squeak.
He raised an eyebrow. "Was this… a dream? Are you feeling okay, honey?" He stood up, pulling me towards the couch so I could sit next to him. He rubbed my back gently in circular motions.
"I swear, JT, I wasn't imagining it."
"Um… Are you sure it was him?"
I turned to face him, sure he was patronizing me. "JT, I freaking talked to Mrs. Smith. We had a freaking conversation. I know it was him."
He looked disconcerted. "Why are they here?"
I shrugged. "Mr. Smith is ill. They came here for treatment." I sighed, exasperated. "JT, I need to see him again. I just have to!"
He continued to rub my back, talking to me as though I was a small child. "Relax, Liberty. Listen to me," He pulled up my chin so our eyes could meet. "When we put James up for adoption, we promised each other we would have no regrets. No turning back. You cannot see him. You understand? It would be too hard. Forget about James."
"Samuel." I whispered, looking down at my lap.
"What?"
"Samuel." I looked up at him, tears glistening in my eyes. "They named him Samuel."
I saw his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard. I noticed hurt flash in his eyes quickly, and then pass. "Liberty," he said carefully, "He's their son. They can… they can name him whatever they want." He said this, but I knew he didn't mean it. I knew how hurt he was. He refused to look at me when he spoke.
I sighed and looked away. I felt his hand resting gently on my thigh.
"Please listen to me, Lib."
I didn't do anything for a moment, just stared at the wall opposite me. Then, without warning, the tears came. Tears of remorse, anger, and hurt. I leaned into his open arms, my head in my hands, my shoulders shaking. "I- I- I just want to be his mother again!" I wailed.
"I know, babe." He murmured into my ear, stroking my hair. "I know."
