[Author's Note: For the sake of making things easier on me, this fic is effectively only in continuity with everything up to and including "In Your Footsteps". I just thought I should tell you that before things get confusing.]

Finn and Jake were fighting a group of Lemur Knights, who were holding Lumpy Space Princess hostage. "You will never save her, foolish human!" the lead Lemur chattered, "We will have our ransom from the Lumpy Space King!"

"Oh yeah?" Jake shouted, stretching himself to ten times his normal height, "Ransom this!"

"Oh, my Grod, guys! Quit foolin' around and, like, save me!" LSP shouted from her cage.

Finn charged a few of the Lemurs while Jake wrapped himself around a Lemur and threw him like a wad of paper from a rubber band. Finn was slashing with his sword, shattering the blades and shields of the Lemurs. The remaining conscious Lemur Knights turned and ran, shouting, "Moishe! Moishe!"

Finn laughhed at what he thought was funny talk and walked toward LSP's cage. Then a rhythmic pounding not unlike that of Jurassic Park, (But Finn wouldn't have gotten the reference, mind, because it was more than a little before his time.) "Oy! Get away from the cage, ye ferkakta kid!" shouted a large, orange man in a leisure suit. He appeared to have a large roll of paper lodged in his mouth where his teeth should have been.

"Aw, shoot! it's a mathin' Golem!" Jake shouted.

Finn had no idea what Jake was talking about, so he lunged at the Golem, whose name was Moishe. (Moy-shuh, for those unfamiliar with Jewish names). He brought his sword down on the Golem's head, where it left a dent. Moishe stuck his thumb in his mouth and inflated the ding back out. He swatted Finn away fairly effortlessly, while complaining, "These mishugina kids got no respect anymore."

Jake occupied Moishe while Finn took the magic hand mirror out of his bag. "Alan!" Finn shouted into the mirror, "We need some help, man!"

Jake got tossed into Finn, knocking the mirror out of his hand. "Yes?" Alan answered cheerfully.

Jake picked up the mirror, evading a log that went sailing past his magically flattened head. "We're fightin' a Golem! How do we beat it?"

"Oh, that's easy, dude!" Alan chirped, "Just pull the scroll out of his mouth!"

"Didja hear that, Finn?"

"Already on it!" Finn cried, sheathing his sword and dashing toward Moishe. When the Golem tried to swipe at Finn, he took the opportunity to jump onto his arm and run up to his shoulder. Before Moishe could pull Finn away, he yanked out the scroll. The Golem quickly disintegrated into a pile of wet clay.

"Thanks, Finn!" Lumpy Space Princess gave Finn a hug as she left the cage the Lemurs held her in.

"Man, Alan was freaky happy..." Jake said.


Alan whistled gaily into Finn and Jake's front yard. "Hey guys! Can I come in?"

"Yeah, sure. Just take off your shoes. Jake just cleaned the flooors." Finn answered.

Alan removed his shoes at the entryway and then walked up to the living room. He would normally sat down on the sofa, but he was too excited to sit.

"What's up with you, man? You look even more wired than usual!" Jake noted, stowing his apron in the chest of drawers he slept in.

"Big news! I think I might be in love!"

Jake and Finn stood and looked at him rather nonchalantly.

"Hey. This is big for me. Don't harsh my buzz" Alan frowned.

"Okay, I'll humor you. Tell us, who is it. My heart beats for the answer." Jake said flatly.

"Yeah, who is it, man?"

"I'll give you a hint: She's-"

"Is it Marceline?" Finn interrupted.

"That obvious?" Alan asked.

"Kinda, yeah." Jake said, washing his hands.

"Alright, but I'd like you to not say anything. I wanna tell her myself," Alan said.

"No worries, man. I'm good with promises!" Finn said. Jake turned to look at him for a moment, his mouth open to say something. He decided it wasn't worth saying. Instead, he shook his head and said, "Okay, what do you want us to do?"

"Nothing, I just felt I had to tell somebody! You know how keeping a secret is, is like holding in a sneeze: you could break a rib!"

Thus began Finn and Jake's enormous temptation to open their big yaps.


Finn and Jake were taking turns playing fetch outside the Candy Castle. Finn leaped to catch the ball and inadvertently jumped backwards into Starchy. "Oof! Careful there, Finn!"

"Oh, sorry Starchy." Finn apologized to Starchy, helping him to his feet.

"Oh, it's alright. I'm just wondering why that wizard who lives in the closet is so cheerful!"

"Uh..." Finn started to sweat a bit.

"Finn..." Jake warned.

"Well, you know how when you read a story, and two characters get paired up?" Finn tread lightly.

"Oh, like you and Princess Bubblegum?" Starchy answered.

"Yes. No, I-uh..." Finn blushed profusely.

"Oh, no use denying it, kiddo. Everyone knows you want to pull that taffy, nudge nudge," Starchy euphemized.

"Pull what, now?" Peppermint Butler, on a rare break, asked.

"Oh, I'm just talkin' about Finn and Princess Bubblegum." Starchy answered.

"You mean, 'Finn and Marceline.'" Peppermint corrected.

"No, I meant 'Finn and Princess Bubblegum!'" Starchy replied tersely. Finn and Jake took advantage of the argument to slowly back away.


After a few hours of arguing, Starchy and Pepbuts took their argument to the Candy Guardians, ultimate arbiters of sugary justice. "Oh, mighty Guardians! We seek knowledge!" Starchy and Peppermint Butler said, kneeling in unison.

"What is it that thou seekest, young ones?" one of the guards asked.

"Who is Finn's True Love?" Starchy asked.

"It is Princess Bubblegum." The first Guardian answered.

"What about the Fire Princess? Those two had some real chemistry..." a second Guardian added.

"NO! Only Finn/Bubblegum can happen!"

"I dunno, he looked pretty good with Marceline..." a third Guardian said.

"You guys are all idiots! It's totally gonna be Finn/Jake!"

Everyone stopped and stared at Guardian Number 4 for a moment.

"What?" was the only response the other Guardians could muster.


The Guardians kept arguing for a while, while Alan paced outside his own closet. He would have paced inside it, but there wasn't enough room. How do I tell her? he wondered, And what if she doesn't reciprocate?

"Hey Alan," a Banana Guard said, "What is wrong?" he asked as woodenly as possible.

"Uh, nothing."

"It is okay, you can tell me. I am a Banana Guard."

"Richard! There's fighting in the streets!" another Banana Guard ran in. He was trying to gather the whole Guard.

"What is happening?"

"The Candy Guardians disagreed on who the Human Finn's true love is, and the argument spilled out into the city!"

"What is there to disagree about? Finn/Princess Bubblegum. Pretty obvious."

"What! No! It's supposed to be Finn/Lumpy Space Princess!"

"I will have your head for that, heretic." the first Banana Guard droned.

Alan took advantage of the argument to back away and then break into a run down the hall. He reached a window, where he whistled for Lady Rainicorn.

"무엇 Alan 일인가?" Rainicorn asked, seeing the confusion below.

"Based on your tone of voice, I can only assume that the answer to your question is 'loony people'. Let's ride! To the Mountain Kingdom!"


Alan and Lady Rainicorn flew to Princess Bubblegum's bedroom window to pick her up before flying to the safety of the Mountain Kingdom. "What the math is going on!"

"Oi, language, young lady." Alan snarkily admonished

"I think it's pretty much warranted here." Bubblegum frowned, not noting the humor in Alan's voice.

"Okay, short version: Avatar: The Last Airbender all over again."

"Whuh?" Alan's archaic pop culture flew over Bubblegum's head.

"SHIPPING WARS!" Alan shouted to clarify.

"What?"

"Starchy was all 'Finn*Bubblegum', but then Peppbuts was like 'no way, man! Finn*Marceline!' and the Candy Guardians tried to settle it, (I really don't think they're very good at their jobs,) but they couldn't agree either, and now Finn is getting shipped with everyone from you to Jake, and it's getting worse because people have started fighting about their ships and non-Finn ships have started popping up like Lemongrab/Gumball! GUMBALL! He wasn't even in our reality for more than a day! And the two never even met!" Alan spat out in one long, drawn-out, breathless sentence.

"That's what this is about?" Bubblegum shouted.

"I know, right!"

"That's insane! It's totally got to be Jake/Lemongrab!"

Alan's jaw dropped as he actually considered jumping off of Lady Rainicorn's back to escape the shipping.

"I'm kidding! I'm just kidding!" Bubblegum said, as Alan began to scoot off of Rainicorn's back. Mind you, they were at a height where jumping would have killed him. "Why are we headed to the Mountain Kingdom?"

"Would you rather be headed to the Ice Kingdom?"

"It's Marceline, isn't it." Bubblegum said, so certain she didn't even use the customary rhetorical question mark,

"Gawd, it's not even subtext. It's just text at this point."

"비록 난 알고 있었어." Rainicorn interjected.

"...Just don't tell anyone. I don't want to make this shipping thing any worse...New guys always take so much crap, it's crazy."

"No worries, Alan. Just don't tell Finn. He's terrible with secrets."

Alan then made a face that was of a distinctly "no me gusta" persuasion.


Alan hopped off of Lady Rainicorn's back before waving her and Princess Bubblegum off to the halls of the Mountain King. He hiked a brief way before he neared Marceline's cave. Marceline silently crept up behind him before whispering, "Boo."

Alan spun around, punched Marceline, and jumped back several feet into a hard, metal object in one strange, twisting jerk. "Holy Fuck!" he cursed. He then realized it was Marceline, which probably made his already pounding heart thump even more. He then turned around and saw that the metal thing he jumped back into was a nuclear weapon. "AH!" he panicked, realizing the incredibly dangerous object before him. He ran around for a moment and then fainted.

He woke up a few minutes later, draped over Marceline's shoulders like a freshly killed caribou. "Hey! Carried! Suki janai!" Marceline stopped and set Alan down, now that he was awake. "Are you alright, man?"

"Well, you nearly gave me a heart attack and I was standing within inches of a nuke. Am I alright?"

"Yeah, I heard your heart. I must have gotten you good, 'cuz it's still racing,"

"Uh-huh...Yeh...Still surprised..." Alan blushed a little.

"So what brings you to the Mountain Kingdom this time?"

"Well, I just wanted to ask you something..."

"I mean, you show up at my door so often, I'm beginning to think you have a crush on me."

"Well, uh..."

"So what was it?"

"Uh..." Alan stumbled, Don't chicken out, moron!

"...Would you be interested in...uh..." he continued.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeees?"

"...um...teaching me how to fight?" Alan finished awkwardly. Spineless coward.

"Oh, that's it? Sure. I was afraid you might not finish that sentence."

Me, too, Alan thought, Me too.


Back at the Candy Kingdom, what little order had once existed was gone. Finn, Jake, and the few non-shipping Banana Guards did their best to return the rule of law, but the fighting had gotten too intense. They were hiding in a (literal) sugar shack. "Man, this is ridiculous."

Finn and the Guards nodded in agreement.

"I mean, what could anybody possibly do with all of this sugar!" he motioned to the large heaps of sugar in the shack.

"Jake, bro, we gotta focus. How do we stop these guys?"

"Well, when my coosin Kyle watched too much All My Sucrose and started freaking aboot who went with who, we told him why his favrite ship cooldn't work." one of the Guards said.

"Yeah! That's it!" Finn lit up, as his crazy little mind formulated a plan, "Okay, we take these grappling hooks..."

"I still don't know why Princess Bubblegum had us put those there..." another Guard trailed off.

"...and use them to swing across the Kingdom, shouting out what's wrong with every ship we see! Foolproof!"

"Uh..." Jake noted, "...If you say it's foolproof, it'll probably fail."

"But now that you said it'll fail, it won't!" Finn "reasoned."

"But now it will!" a Guard pointed out.

This went on for a moment before Finn shook his head and told everyone to jump into action.


Finn swung across the Market District on a grappling hook. Below, a cluster of Finnceline-ists battled a team of LemonFinns.

"Lemongrab is a jerk and Marceline is just my friend!" Finn cried, moving quickly to the next group.

Jake saw a gang of Finnicorns clashing with a cadre of IceFinns.

"I'm dating Lady Rainicorn and the Ice King's a nerd! And Finn doesn't like guuuuuuuys!" Jake trailed off as he moved to the next area.

After a few hours of sinking ships such as Starcheline, Ashicorn, IceJake and FireSnail, the team met at the cennter of town to battle with that biggest, most powerful ship in the Kingdom, an powerful, ironclad freighter known only as Fubblegum.


Alan held a quarterstaff in his hands, as he desperately tried to block Marceline's attacks. "Come on, Alan! You have to focus!"

"I am!" Alan replied, in the only element where he ever felt sure of himself: a fight.

"Focus harder!" Marceline said, landing a solid blow to Alan's chest. He fell back, panting as his heart raced. He stood up and loosed a flurry of attacks, none of them actually landing.

"You call that an attack?" Marceline mocked.

"No, I call it a feint," Alan grunted before trying to trip Marceline. It would have worked if not for her levitation.

"Whew! Dirty fighting! Never would have figured a goody-goody like you for that." Marceline struck Alan's staff, with a resounding "WHACK".

"I may seem nice," Alan said, making a few quick strikes to no avail, "but deep down, I'm one cruel mather."

"Heh. You should meet my dad," Marceline tripped Alan.

"Oh, I'm sure he's not so bad," Alan grunted as he tried to avoid Marceline's attacks. He was starting to catch hold of the rhythm of things.

"Dude, he's the king of the Nightosphere," Marceline twirled her staff.

"The where, now?" Alan stood up and readied his staff.

"Hell," Marceline explained, striking low.

"Oh," Alan said awkwardly, as he jumped to avoid Marceline's strike. He then yelled "Iarann foirne!" as he brought down the staff on Marceline's. His staff shone a dull silvery color for a moment when the spell came into effect, becoming hard as iron. It snapped Marceline's staff like a twig.

"Huh. Using magic to make yourself more effective in a fight. Clever."

"You wanna go out sometime?" Alan dropped out of the blue.

"Huh?"

"Yes or no. Quickly, before the adrenaline wears off and I lose my nerve."

"I, uh, well..."

"I'm not a kid. If you don't want to, I can take it."

Marceline pondered it for a moment, "What were you thinking of?"

"Well, I found a copy of The Avengers and an old projector."

"Oh, a movie? Yeah, I can do that."

"Wonderful. Now, If you will excuse me, I have to pass-" Alan passed out.


When last we left our A-Plot heroes, they were looking down the barrel of the mighty ship Fubblegum. Finn stood before a legion of people who thought he should be with Princess Bubblegum. "C'mon, Finn! Sink this ship so we can go home!" Jake shouted.

Finn faltered, not sure what to do. If he sank this ship, it could mean that he might never end up with Princess Bubblegum. If he didn't sink it, the ship-to-ship fighting could tear the Candy Kingdom apart. The ever-present battle between romantic love and love for the community.

"Finn?" Jake called out, "Are you okay, man?"

Starchy stepped to the front of the crowd. "Don't do it, Finn. We know you love Bubblegum, and with us behind you, it's destined to happen! You'll have your true love, and we will be happy! Win-win!"

"Finn! Don't listen! You can't force love! It just happens! Their promises are all empty lies, like the Tooth Fairy, or the Nice King!"

Finn stood, trapped in a moral conundrum.

At that very moment, Marceline flew overhead with Alan in tow. He was hanging by his pants from a rope in Marceline's hand, looking very indignant. "Bubblegum can't fall in love with Finn, because she's in love with ME!" Marceline shouted.

Everyone looked up at Marceline for a moment, then Starchy turned and asked, "Wait! What kind of evidence is there for that?"

"It's true," Alan deadpanned, barely maintaining his poker face, "Marceline and Bubblegum are way into each other."

Everyone stared at them for a moment, before shrugging and walking off. Marceline slowly lowered herself down before letting go of Alan's pant rope. "That was genius!" Jake said, walking up to Marceline, "Making up a story about you and Bubblegum! Absolute mathin' genius!"

"Yeah, made up." Marceline intentionally left some ambiguity in her tone. She took her celll phone out and dialed a number. "Hello, is the the Hall of the Mountain King? Yes, I'll hold."

They all stood there rather awkwardly for a moment.

"Yes? Hello, I'm just calling to say the shippers are gone, and it's safe for Princess Bubblegum to come back."

After a short while, Bubblegum and Lady Rainicorn returned, and everyone went their separate ways. Finn and Jake went home, Princess Bubblegum went to direct the repair efforts and tear new ones for the Guards that let themselves get caught up in the shipping mania, and Alan and Marceline returned to Marceline's house to watch The Avengers. "Hey, do you think it's time for me to get a new place?" Alan pondered aloud.

"It was time for that six chapters ago, man." Marceline replied.

"Six what now?"