Thanks to Yoshishisha for the beta work!


Remus had called for an Order meeting by sending a message to Sirius which was to be held that night. Hopefully, within an hour, they would be back at headquarters. It was early in the morning and Death Eaters hadn't returned so he wasn't leaving the scene with a sense of failure or unfulfillment.

Though what bothered him primarily was that Tonks was being a little languorous and thus, he wanted her to get to a healer as soon as possible. They'd had their breakfast and currently he was packing the tent, while Tonks was magically wiping out any trail or trace left behind of their presence; though it didn't escape his notice that her magic was subdued. He hoped and Merlin, he prayed with every passing second that things wouldn't get any worse for her.

It all had been heart-wrenching to say the least. First the ordeal of seeing her almost lifeless, then the emotional drain of pouring out his heart to her when she had been fairly conscious and then finally taking the huge decision in that instant that would have probably mitigated all the distance between them.

From the time she had fallen asleep after being bitten until she had woken up, the hope he had felt within his heart was as inexplicable and enigmatic as if he was seeing the rising sun for the first time in ages. He had been euphoric with nervous energy and had thought about numerous things that he would say to her once she woke up, to persuade her. He had almost gotten the taste again of what it felt like to be with her. Almost.

He had felt truly alive for the first time in years. But that faith and hopefulness he had observed in that short duration had been completely blown away when he had realized that she didn't recall anything, nothing what so ever. He had felt as if he had died all over again.

But he didn't blame her. How could he? It was only natural for her to suffer some memory loss. Yet, he had felt and was still feeling that his chance at survival had been snatched from him, again.

He sighed and barricaded away all the expectations that were now painful to even think of and the vexatious over-rationalized thoughts in a small part of his mind that was solely used for this purpose.

He stuffed the tent in his backpack and looked at her.

"Are you feeling okay?" He asked when he noticed that she was breathing a bit heavily.

"Yeah just..." She paused and took a deep breath. Her hair was murky brown, and this time he knew that it wasn't so because of her desire to look muted for an Order mission. She simply didn't possess energy to morph.

When she didn't speak again, he reassured her: "It's only natural to feel some lethargy and fatigue. You will be fine."

"I just don't feel like walking for half an hour again to go back."

"You don't have to." He said, stretching his hand towards her. "It was necessary when we were coming here, but now that it is all clear we can apparate right away."

He knew she must be feeling awful when she didn't even protest once that she didn't need side-along apparition. Nor did she object when he slid off her bag from her shoulder to ease her burden. Enveloping her fragile hand in his securely, they disapparated.

The message he had sent to Sirius mentioned that he needed to fix a meeting for tonight though he neither had told the reason for the immediate meeting nor that Tonks was hurt.

One of the reasons was that he didn't want any fanfare around her, bothering and badgering her about what happened and why, which he admitted to himself would be a difficult venture as Grimmauld Place was swarming with Weasleys. That's why he had preferred this early time to apparate back hopefully when most of the inhabitants would be sleeping, if not all. He knew Sirius wouldn't be asleep; it was one of the things he had noted about him ever since he had escaped from Azkaban that he was mostly awake at dawn, no matter how much he'd had to drink the night before.

They appeared on the first step, immediately coming eye to eye with the horrid and uninviting bronze serpentine knocker. He felt Tonks twitching next to him and understood her distress. The Runespoor was going to plague her for longer than they cared to admit.

God knew, it was going to plague him indefinitely.

They both grimaced as the door creaked open breaking the silence, none too willing to wake up the deranged portrait of Walburga Black.

He trailed behind Tonks, both wanting to support her by placing his hand at the small of her back, but at the same time being cautious enough to not to touch her. Last night had been different but now that she was better (or at least better enough to walk on her own, albeit slowly), she wouldn't exactly approve of his assistance and might even interpret it as disrespect towards her so he kept his helping hand to himself.

Climbing up a set of stairs in semi darkness, they stopped at the door of the room that she had taken to living in while she stayed at Grimmauld and he dropped her bag on the floor.

"Are you sure you don't want me to call Hestia?" He asked again. Back when he had suggested that they should inform Hesita as well to check her wound, she had declined saying that she had night shift at the hospital and that they would see her at night in the meeting anyway. He hadn't been comfortable with the idea of delaying her medication but had accepted her decision warily.

"I am sure Remus; I am just going to take a nap."

"Sleep as much as you want, you don't have work after all. I'll inform Sirius and he'll make sure that no one knows you are here yet, that way you won't be disturbed. I'll see you at night."

She smiled weakly. "See you. Bye."

Taking one long last look at her face, he walked away. Even if he wanted to tuck her in and stay with her, he knew it wasn't his place anymore to do so. He would need to explain the situation to Sirius and he wished his old friend wouldn't interrogate him much, because saying he was exhausted (both mentally and physically) would have been an understatement.

Normally, after a mission, he would have stayed at headquarters as this was where he resided these days. Yet, today was going to be an exception. He needed to be alone. There was a lot he had to ponder about and he would attain that solace at a faraway place, at the rundown shack that had served as his dwelling for many years.


"Runespoor?!"

Several Order members gasped and shuddered at Remus's mention that the weapons being traded were actually Runespoors.

Dumbledore shook his head grimly while Severus Snape spoke up:

"That was only to be expected... The Dark Lord has always had... An inclination towards dark creatures." he droned and sneered at the same time. Remus always marveled at Snape's ability to vocalize such a simple sentence in such an...artful way with as many offensive insinuations as possible in a single sentence. It didn't escape his notice how the Potion Master's eyes glittered towards him while he said 'dark creatures'.

"If it was so expected, why did we plan on this mission in the first place? You should have graced us with your enlightenmentand our time would have been spared,Severus." Sirius snapped back, putting emphasis on right words in such a way that it immediately had its desired effects, that was, to infuriate Severus Snape.

Snape's lips curled in a leer and Remus saw many Order members sighing and rolling their eyes in exasperation in expectation of what was to follow; it was becoming a recent routine that at least fifteen minutes of the Order meetings were wasted away in their quarrel and exchange of snide comments. Normally, he would have tried to stop Sirius, but today he was just not in the mood.

But before Snape could retort another nasty comment from his manhole of a mouth, Dumbledore interrupted:

"You were to return today at midnight, any reason you had to depart early?" His eyes flicked both to Remus and Tonks as he asked this in a calm, soft voice.

"Tonks was..." He saw her cringing in anticipation of his words. "-bitten by a… wandering Runespoor."

"What?" Several Order members gasped again and perhaps it was the most gasping meeting so far of the second Order. Hestia and Molly immediately strode towards Tonks just as Snape spoke up with scantily hidden wonder:

"How is she alive?" He stared at Tonks as if she wasn't a human being, but rather a subject of his potion experiments, a fine specimen for his academic scrutiny. His eyes shone malevolently and annoyance blazed in Remus's stomach. His reaction showed how little he cared for his fellow Order colleagues.

"I am fine really, Remus treated me." She stood up weakly to avoid the anxious onslaught of Molly and Hestia. Her eyes wandered to his and he thought, 'no, you are not fine', because Remus hadn't missed that her hair was still brown and she was still pale, an almost sickly shade of yellow. It took a huge amount of effort to stay where he was, wearing a vague expression of worry on his face, pretending that she was just another comrade of his.

"Of course you are not fine, you were bitten by-by that Runespoor, I knew something was wrong with you, just look how tired and sick you look-"

"Molly, don't fuss, I am sure she is pretty okay if she's able to stand, rest assured I will give her a complete check up." Hestia spoke up like a protective friend when she noticed how their pestering was bothering Tonks.

Molly nodded in defeat and went back to her seat.

"Remus, how did you treat her?" Hestia questioned as she pushed Tonks back into her seat.

"Yes, Lupin I am curious as well to know how you treated her." Snape's thinly veiled remark was clear to Remus. He was indicating that he wasn't skillful enough to do any such thing.

"He gave me a bezoar." Tonks said with an edge, her voice especially directed to Snape. "Stopped the poison from spreading to the rest of my body and then applied 'extrait liquide' to extract out the venom."

Remus could see clogs working in Snape's head as if trying to fault his actions, but apparently he was unsuccessful as no further comments came from him.

"That was very quick of you Remus." Hestia complimented him.

"I would like to personally thank you Remus for saving an Order member's life." Dumbledore's soft voice reached his ears and he looked up from the table to see others giving him approving nods and smile, with the exception of Snape.

"Yeah... He saved my life." Tonks spoke quietly, gratitude laced in her tone and, for a minute, they had eyes only for each other.

"Hestia, you may take Tonks for immediate examination seeing as there might be some lasting effects of the bite and cure shouldn't be delayed any further. I am sure Remus will fill you in later." Dumbledore said and the last line was directed solely to Tonks.

Tonks gave him one last look with a small smile and walked away with Hestia. He breathed a small sigh of relief as the looming worry of her health lifted from his shoulders. She was in good hands… She was going to be fine and hopefully make a full recovery.


"Knock on the door." Remus hissed to Sirius.

"Now I have to knock too?" He whispered back.

Remus thought they must look quite funny standing next to each other in shadows, whispering and arguing, outside a female Order member's door.

"Yes, I'll stand back."

Meeting had ended long ago and Hestia and Tonks were still locked up in Tonks' room. Remus wanted to check on her, wanted to make sure that she was faring alright, but he felt awkward in just barging in there, given their special status quo. He didn't want her to feel as if he was continuously hovering and watching over her like an eagle and as though he was trying to invade her space.

Therefore, he had dragged along an entirely disinterested and uncaring Sirius, so that he can see Tonks, under the pretense of tagging along with Sirius. That way it would appear as if it was Sirius who wanted to check on her and Remus was merely accompanying him.

"No, I won't knock." Sirius glared at him petulantly.

"How old are you exactly Black? Because it seems to me that you haven't grown at all." Remus jibed and knocked, immediately scurrying away from the door and moving behind Sirius.

"Who's it?" Came Hestia's muffled voice.

When Sirius didn't reply instantly, Remus poked him in the sides. "Will you speak up, you nincompoop?!"

"It's me! Sirius Black." Sirius glared and bellowed as if he wasn't Sirius Black but Mayor of London coming to pay visit to lowly people.

Remus rolled his eyes in exasperation. Frankly he was a bit surprised at his unsympathetic attitude.

"What are you barking for, Black?" The door opened and a waspish Hestia stepped out.

"Er... Just wanted to... See how Tonks was doing." He suddenly simpered.

"Yes, that is if your check up is complete." Remus added politely from behind.

"Yeah I am done, come in." She opened the door completely.

Entering inside, he saw for first time the room Tonks was given. It was pretty much like the other rooms of the house.

Once upon a time, he used to live with her in her room, used to share a bed even, and today, he had to ask someone else to knock the door of her room to even enter inside. This disheartening development wasn't lost on him.

He saw her sitting on the bed with crossed legs and he breathed a little sigh of relief at seeing that her hair was light pink now. She must be feeling well enough to morph.

She gave them a shaky smile.

"Tonks! How are you feeling? I was getting so worried about you." Sirius spoke and Remus would have absolutely loved to kick his behind at that very moment at the acute and abrupt change in his attitude. "Ever since Remus told me, it got me pretty worked up actually-"

"Feeling good?" Remus asked, cutting off Sirius's unnecessary ramblings.

"I am fine really, Hestia gave me few potions and now I feel perfectly okay..."

"Yeah she threw up twice-" Remus emitted a small strangled sound deep in his throat, "-but I am confident that she will recover fully." Hestia said. "There was little to do, as I said Remus' quick thinking did most of the work."

"Yes, Remus was the only one back then who was capable of logical and quick thinking in a state of panic." Sirius replied, nodding his head as if everyone there was waiting for his approval of Remus.

It wasn't just a state of panic he had felt last night, it was a lot more than that... Overpowering and consuming dread. It was almost as if he'd had a brush with death himself.

It was a nightmare and it was going to haunt both of them, though differently.

"I am sure she would like to rest now Sirius." He said pointedly to Sirius and then looked back at the women to say: "We'll leave you to it."

"No, you don't need to leave; I mean I have slept far too much in past twenty four hours..." Tonks replied, not exactly looking happy at the prospect of sleeping again.

He resisted the urge to reach out and take her in his arm; to soothe her, calm her and to wipe out that frown off her face.

"That's necessary Tonks." Hestia said sternly in what he thought was a classic healer voice. "Besides, the potions I gave you will make you drowsy soon enough."

"She's right Tonks." Sirius started again. "You should take care of yourself, Runespoor are noxous creatures-"

"-noxious-" Remus said under his breath.

"-and I am just so glad that you are fine..."

Remus saw how the repetitive mention of Runespoor was getting on her nerves therefore he said:

"Let's go, Sirius. Bye, Hestia. Goodnight Tonks. If you need anything, tell us."

What he really meant was that, if you need anything just tell me and I'll be there for you in blink of an eye.

Both the men moved out of the room and Remus shut the door quietly.

"Night Remus." Sirius drawled as he made to go to his room. Remus brushed past him to the stairs, deliberately colliding with him and pushing him sideways.

He could hear him calling out:

"And now how old are you, Remus?"


Remus hurried up the stairs. Upon reaching the landing, he looked up panting to see another staircase. Grimmauld place had so many floors that he had not yet managed to reach the top most floor. Whenever he got the urge to visit the terrace, he would get demotivated by the fourth floor and would return dejectedly or would relax in the personal lounge/bar of Orion Black on the fourth floor. Apparently Mr. Black had been a very aristocratic and sophisticated drinker and the bar was the result of him being a devotee of alcohol. It was there that Sirius hid from others under the pretense of being with Buckbeak.

But this time he was determined to visit the terrace as he needed to see that how far from headquarters itself they could observe the city with the aid of magical equipments.

He had lost count and he had no idea how many flight of stairs he had climbed so far. This floor looked even more haunted and ghostly even in the dim narrow beam of daylight streaming through the dirty window. It would have been a perfect venue for shooting of any muggle horror film.

Just as he set his foot on the first step, a voice halted him.

"Remus?"

He arched his back a little to peer at the opposite landing.

"Emmeline?" He asked hesitantly.

"Oh thank goodness I met you here, I had no wish to climb this bloo- I mean ponderous mountain of stairs..." she trailed off as she climbed rest of the stairs to cover the distance between them.

He tried to suppress his smile of amusement at seeing the prim and proper Emmeline swearing but then he too apparently held the same image in front of others-stuffed shirt as Sirius used to call him.

"How can I help you?" He asked politely.

"I was... going to Diagon Alley you know... Flourish and Blotts... to get some books, I wondered if you'd like to come with me…"

He tried not to look shocked but he might have failed miserably.

Was Emmeline Vance really asking him out?

Or was it just for the sake of convenience or company?

"Me?" He stuttered a response.

"Yes... I know how much you love books, and frankly I can do with some of your intellectual suggestions... regarding books... I heard you have very fine taste in them... that is of course if you are not doing anything?" She asked sweetly, too sweetly.

"Er..." Yes she was definitely asking him out and it just wasn't for his 'intellectual suggestions'; he wasn't that thick. Now that he looked closely she was dressed differently. For starters, her customary shawl was missing. Not that he noticed much what one was wearing unless their name was Nymphadora Tonks.

She kept looking at him with a sweet smile which frankly was starting to freak him out a bit, waiting for his response.

Well, was he doing anything? No, not really; he never really did anything unless it was full moon. Then he was pretty busy with growing fangs and claws and getting accustomed to it the whole night only to change back to his human counterpart.

Thinking quickly, he answered, "Alright. Give me a minute."

She beamed at him.

He moved and kept his foot on the first step of the stairs when suddenly he tripped on the hem of his trousers and fell on his knees with an 'oof'

"Remus!" Emmeline exclaimed. "Are you okay?" She asked while kneeling beside him.

"Oh yes, I'll be fine, it's just a-" He tried to stand on his legs while pushing himself up with the heel of his palms. He yelped in pain as pressure bore on his newly injured ankle. "-not so minor... sprain..."

He looked at her apologetically.

"Don't worry," she said and brandished her wand, "I'll fix it in a jiffy… "

"Oh no no, simple spells won't work on me, you see. It might make the sprain worse." He replied while putting emphasis on word 'me' so that she would get the hint.

"Oh..." She looked disappointed. "Oh well..."

"Why don't you buy those books anyway and later I'll check them for you?"

"Well it would have been better if you could have come with me but... you are right. I'll show them to you later." She smiled. "Let me at least help you down the stairs."

"No no, I'll apparate back to my room. And you are getting late; Flourish and Blotts must be about to go on a lunch break. "

"You sure you'll be alright?" She asked. He felt she was about to touch his hairs so he sneezed, making her back away. "I'll see you at the next order meeting." She said softly and finally bid him goodbye.

Sitting there like a fool on the stairs, he thought he heard a distant 'Wotcher Emmeline'.

Great!

He gingerly stood on his legs and saw a smirking Tonks entering his vision.

She leaned against the banister and looked at him cockily. "You know, I have tripped so many times that I can tell when a person is faking it."

He too leaned against the wall and crossed his arms in front of his chest to maintain some dignity. Ignoring her main question he asked instead: "What were you doing there lurking in the darkness like a boggart?" Though she was far pretty to be a boggart.

She snickered at his flustered look, "Sirius sent me here saying that on this particular floor, there's a hidden bar and that it has his father's finest scotch ale and if I would be so gracious as to fetch it for him, but my main motive was to see if he really was telling the truth-"

"He told you about the bar?" He asked, genuinely surprised that Sirius had revealed his secret hideout.

"Yes well, so I reached till here but when I heard Emmeline, I thought I rather not disturb her as it seemed she had some unfinished important business with you?" She waggled her eyebrows giving a smirk and, in that instant, the resemblance between her and Sirius was striking. "So, you tripped, huh? Taking a leaf out of my book?" She smiled cheekily in a way that told him that she had seen right through him.

Sighing in defeat, he uncrossed his arms. "I tried to falsely depict by tripping that I had an injured ankle but unfortunately I really did sprain my ankle and that was not what I had initially planned." He really had thought that he would fake a sprain but he ended with it anyway. "Guess tripping needs some dexterity which apparently I don't possess."

"Lying does not become you Remus Lupin." She came forward and gestured for him to lean on her. He cautiously draped his arm over her shoulder. "Let's get to that bar that Sirius claims is magnificent and the saving grace of this house and I'll patch you up there; making the sprain worse my foot..." She mumbled as they walked like a really old couple strolling in a park.

He chuckled. "It never was my strong suit."

"What were you doing all the way up anyway?"

"I wanted to see the view from terrace for surveillance purpose." He replied and realized that he had again missed the chance to reach all the way up.

They entered the lounge and she whistled lowly. "It really is disgusting! He calls this magnificent?"

The room was covered with grime, dust and spider webs, it was even difficult to breathe in there without suffocating. "Well he measures the magnificence by the amount of alcohol." He pointed behind the bar. "And... after Azkaban, color scheme and décor aren't among his top priorities…"

She sighed grimly and pointed to a stool for him to sit.

She kneeled in front of him and asked, "Why didn't Molly ever make us clean this place?"

"Oh! Sirius worked so hard to keep this place a secret; he had even warded it that's why I was surprised that he told you about it. Molly well, along with the dust and dirt, would have cleaned away the bottles too."

He unlaced his battered shoe and rolled off his sock for her to inspect. She placed his ankle on her palm, bringing it to her eye level and he shivered lightly.

"Hmm... nothing an episkey can't repair." She took out her wand and he winced in anticipation.

"I haven't even touched it Remus." She huffed in amusement. "Now do you understand how I feel when I keep tripping and stumbling all the time."

"I never did like whenever you tripped." He said quietly; he knew half of her injuries were due to her clumsy nature and even if she would always get up and joke and smile about it, it did hurt.

She sobered up a little and went back to his ankle a bit timidly. "Episkey!"

"Ow!" He cried out as the ankle mended itself.

"See good as new!" She said brightly, "Now, you can give Emmeline intellectual suggestions without worrying about a sprain."

He groaned. "God you heard the whole thing!" There was not a chance that she wouldn't tell Sirius about it and together they wouldn't let him hear the end of this.

She just tittered in response when she realized his predicament.


He was surrounded by book shelves, yet when he inhaled all he could smell was the dusty damp smell of the old rotten house. Smell of books, old or new, was one of his favorite smells in the world. In fact when he had accidentally inhaled amortentia during his tenure as a teacher at Hogwarts, the smell of books had been one of them. The other two were the smell of soil after rain and the fragrance of fresh lime shampoo that Dora used and still uses.

It was pretty dark and he was using his wand to search the books. None of the books were really worth reading as they mostly were full of pure blood mania, but searching for the books that were worth reading was a good past time.

"Are you sure Mum won't come here?" He heard whispered words from outside the door, which only his keen hearing could pick up.

"Don't worry, I asked Arthur to take her out, they won't be back for hours." Now that voice he would recognize anywhere, having shared a dorm with the man for seven years.

"Mundungus bring it up then!" A very excited voice hollered which he immediately recognized at Bill's.

The door burst open and Remus quietly peeked from the between the bookshelves as the room filled with men of Order.

First entered Mundungus holding a medium sized cardboard box and Remus heard distinct clinks of bottles. He thought of coming out of the shadows and asking what was going on but he was afraid of startling Mundungus. Somehow, he knew, it wouldn't be appreciated.

Then came in Charlie (he had attended his first meeting this evening which was also the first meeting after the children had gone back to school), Bill, Kingsley, and Sirius.

They were having a party! Or at least something resembling a party.

How come he didn't know about this? Was he considered so much of a stuffed shirt by Sirius, that he was afraid that he would disclose his plans to others, especially Molly? Hell, he didn't even do that when Harry was caught by Snape sneaking back in school from Hogsmeade even when he had been a teacher back then.

He decided to stand there and watch.

"Yes, yes keep it here in between." Sirius rubbed his palms excitedly and pointed at the table. Seeing him so enthralled at the prospect of company, Remus immediately decided to let the matter go especially since he had been so glum after Harry's departure. He returned back to his scrutiny of books.

"I hope they don't return tonight; spend the night at Burrow instead." Charlie hopped into the sofa, which let out a puff of dust.

"You know what that implies don't you?" He heard Kingsley speak with what he assumed was an amused tone.

The Weasley brothers groaned. "Please, I'd rather that my night is not spoiled before it is even started."

"Sirius, glasses?" Kingsley asked.

"Glasses?" Mundungus slurred and Remus thought that he was drunk already. He sighed internally. By midnight probably, he'd have five passed out individuals. "Why do you need glasses? Grab a effing bottl'!"

An effing, Remus thought absent mindedly as he picked up a book on Muggle electricity. What was a book on Muggle electricity doing in a house of Muggle haters?

"So dear brother, how come you aren't with your French bird right now?" He heard Charlie ask as in background several pops and hisses were heard from opening bottles.

"Her name's Fleur-" Bill started briskly.

"-Me self 'as fancy for French birds-" Dung piped up in between.

"Have you ever even met a French bird Mundungus?" Kingsley asked with a skeptical air.

"I am sure he means French currency and why are we referring to women as birds? Show some respect will you all?" Bill intervened with an uncomfortable edge.

"Oh come on you hypocrite! It was you who invented so many deprecatory, derogatory and-and degrading versions of word 'women' and now you are asking-" Charlie spoke taking a gulp of whatever he was drinking.

"It means he is getting serious." Sirius spoke for the first time. Anyone else hearing Sirius would think that he was feeling delighted but Remus knew better.

Back in their Marauder days, when they used to have guys-only party it was almost impossible to shut Sirius up. He used to be the life of any party or gathering. Back then, a party wasn't called a party until Sirius Black was present in it. This-this man was entirely different.

Remus sighed internally and ventured further into the bookshelves. He was surprised that none of the Order members had felt another presence in the room yet. He picked up a book with a charcoal black cover and immediately snapped it shut when he saw the title 'Most Torturous Muggle Killings Of The Century'.

"Is it so Bill?" Remus heard kingsley inquiring.

"It's too soon, but she seems a nice girl..." He muttered evasively. "Charlie, I didn't get a chance to talk to you earlier really but are you still the only one without a girl?" He changed the topic hurriedly.

"What? Ye didn' gotta a girl? And you are a freaking dragon chaser!" Dung sounded surprised.

"Oh! I am never without a girl," Even from here Remus could hear the smirk in his voice.

"I don't remember you ever being with a girl, even at Hogwarts you were always busy in Quidditch!"

"Is that so?" Kingsley said, "You are telling me you wasted whole of your Hogwarts life in brooms and quaffles?"

Sirius guffawed. "Brooms and quaffles? You know, Kingsley, how that sounds, don't you?"

They all snickered.

"But seriously Charlie! Why aren't you with a girl yet?" Sirius questioned.

"I told you. I am never without a girl; just I am not the settling type exactly. Yes, but if I ever get a girl who is just as passionate about dragons as me, maybe..."

"Dragons, Charlie! You know that mum is always frantic with worry about you? We never heard about you ever having a girlfriend. Fred and George even have this wicked theory-"

Charlie groaned, interrupting seemingly not interested in knowing whatever bizarre theory the twins had come up with. "What's up with the interrogation?"

"No but I'll say one thing." Kingsley spoke in smooth voice. "In ten things to do before you die, always include marriage, even if you get married when you are seventy. It's a bloody roller coaster ride."

"Dumbledore's one 'undred and fifty. 'e's unmarried."

"But he's Dumbledore." Sirius spoke and Remus detected a touch bitterness still lingering. "Besides Charlie, you remind me of my younger self. You know... Girls and tattoos… and alcohol and bikes, dragon for you... But see where am I now?"

Everyone sobered up a little and the room quieted down for few seconds until Charlie spoke up again.

"I am just here for three days; guys any hot spots in the city I need to check out before I head back to my Dragons?"

"I have been back to city for only few months so I don't have much idea, Kingsley?" Bill answered back.

"Me know a strip tease club." Dung hiccupped.

"No thank you Dung." Charlie said pointedly. "Not that I am not interested in striptease but I'd rather enjoy that in private instead among lusting sweating men with their tongues lolling out…"

"There's this muggle disco called Flaming Red..." Kingsley spoke up after thinking.

"Oh yes of course how could I forget that? It entirely slipped out my mind! I went there with my friends few weeks ago." Bill said excitedly. "Blazing place brother, you should try it out."

"What about muggle chicks over there?" Charlie asked back cheekily.

Bill groaned. "What's wrong with you, do you ever think anything besides dragon and women?"

"And just now you were complaining about never seeing me with a girl-"

"I was talking about you never having a steady girlfriend-"

"-Oh come on now, I barely come to London and I have seen enough of Romanian women, thank you very much, I need a change of scenery, besides I had these hyper hopes for the Order when I got the offer to join, expecting that there would be these hot combative women fighting, but those hopes were crushed and walked upon." He trailed off and sighed dramatically.

"You are forgetting Tonks..." Kingsley commented smoothly.

Remus' neck immediately snapped up at her name. Until now the voices were merely going in the background and now they had his entire attention for real.

This time when Charlie groaned it wasn't in annoyance but as if that just by hearing her name... Remus didn't complete that thought.

Others chuckled at his reaction which he couldn't see. Slowly he made to the space between the shelves.

The table was cluttered with bottles both empty and full, while they were all sitting in a circle around it.

"Tonks is..." Charlie leaned forward as if sharing a secret, "A helluva woman... You know only if mum didn't like her that much and only if she wasn't a fellow Order member, we would have had a gala time..." He spoke with animated gestures of hands in a tone that made Remus oddly uncomfortable.

"Careful Charlie, she's Sirius's cousin..." Bill said snidely, looking sideways at Sirius.

"Your cousin?" He didn't look apprehensive but rather curious.

"Yeah Tonks- Andromeda Tonks- Andromeda Black- Sirius Black..." Kingsley explained shortly.

"Yeah well..." Sirius said, "-She's not my cousin but my cousin's daughter. But a very beautiful grown up daughter. I know she must have many admirers and I can't do anything about it... I mean she's pretty and all you are doing is appraising her, it is not as if it is hurting her in any way..." Sirius trailed off taking a huge gulp from his bottle and Remus felt the strangest urge to strangle him. Sirius knew about them yet he didn't do anything to stop Dora's… what? A potential lover? Couldn't for once Sirius act like a possessive brother or defensive cousin warding off womanizers from his cousin?

Charlie grinned. "You are a cool man. As I was saying, I knew her from Hogwarts and Merlin... She was hot, and seeing her today I realized she's gotten hotter..." He smirked.

Remus felt... Weird... As if someone was snatching something from him, as if he'd had his eye on a thing for so long and suddenly another person wanted a claim on it. Of course Tonks was not a thing, she was a person, a very important and precious person and that was what made the matters complex.

"You know, she's the most popular Auror in our department..." Kingsley started, "And being clumsy has nothing to do with it... Many from the Auror and MLE department like her and from what I heard through grapevine, many are after her, though she rarely ever shows any interest..."

What had he thought? Really, just because he only saw her within these walls didn't mean that she didn't have a life outside this place, where men appreciated her and approached her. She was a young pretty woman, it was natural for men to be after her. But that didn't quell the twisting feeling in his heart. The same fear gripped him again; what if one of these days she fell for one of the guys in her department?

It wasn't jealousy; jealousy was for lovers. It was sadness, fear and anger intermingled.

"Tonksie-" Mundungus started, fully drunk and before he opened his mouth Remus knew he was going to speak garbage, "-she's a bombshell, you know when she walks, her-" he curved his palms inwardly, facing each other, "-'ips sways like this and this, this and this..."

Remus clenched his jaws and suppressed his annoyance.

"Does he mean lips or hips?" Bill questioned, peering at Dung's hand gestures.

"Definitely hips? Who has lips of that shape Bill?"

They all laughed and Remus shakily came back into the shadows. He neither could go out nor could he remain in. He sat down on the ground, leaning against the book shelves.

"Why isn't Remus with us?" He heard somebody ask.

"It's full moon in five days, I thought he needs his rest." Sirius spoke up.

Of course, full moon. It's always full moon. Full moon is the reason he can't even spend a night with his friends drinking, Sirius is right. Full moon is the reason he can't be with the woman he loves and full moon is the reason he isn't normal.

After sitting there numbly for few moments, he placed a silencing spell on himself and disapparated back to his room, having no drive left to neither overhear their conversation nor look for books.


Every part of his body ached and throbbed with pain even after a day of full moon. He was lying in his bed at the Grimmauld place like an invalid old man. He would never really be able to comprehend how his body was able to tolerate the pain every month and yet was able to heal enough to go through the same torture the next month.

He sighed and tried to sit up a bit while his body groaned in protest. At least he had a bed this time. A bed and food. Otherwise, he had lost count of how many times he had spent his nights on the floor.

He heard approaching footsteps and, after a few minutes, there was a knock. "Remus?"

"Yeah come in Sirius." A disheveled looking Sirius entered, his hair was all tangled and unkempt and he wore his usual dressing gown. "You don't have to knock, you know..."

"Yeah well, Azkaban polished my manners, there weren't doors just bars so I understood the importance of privacy..." He said in a poor attempt at humor. These days, or in fact since he had returned, all his jokes revolved around Azkaban which in retrospect weren't jokes at all. He missed his old friend and wanted him back,but he knew that wouldn't be happening any time soon.

Sirius awkwardly sat on the edge of the bed and placed a glass of water. "Er... This..." He handed him a tiny potion bottle, "-back few days ago I had a pain in my neck so I asked Tonks to buy this for me… works great, most of it was left so I thought to pass it on to you. Just mix few drops in water..."

He knew he was lying, at least the part about having a neck pain.

"Thanks." He wasted no time in uncorking it and swallowing directly from the bottle.

"Ay you are supposed to mix it in water-"

"Diluted potion won't work much for my pain, I learned it long ago."

Sirius sighed in defeat. "Where ever it is you are transforming I can always accompany you as Padfoot..." He tried again.

Remus simply shook his head again.

Sirius sighed back.

Remus sighed too and suddenly chuckled, "Look at us, sighing like aching old berks..."

"Remus... What is it? You have been down... I mean I have noticed a change, ever since you came back from that mission you have been different..." He asked hesitantly.

Remus laid back in his pillow as his pain subsided substantially. "Different how?"

"You are quieter than usual; you are often lost in your own thoughts... You look defeated..."

"I have looked defeated for as long as I can remember."

"That's not what I mean, you know it... Is it something to do with Tonks?"

Remus took a deep slow breath and let it out slowly, "It was just... Hard seeing her... Like that, almost dead." He shuddered as the memory came to him.

"But it's not just that, is it?"

"I just can't get out the image of her lying lifeless and pale out of my head, it haunts me at nights..."

"There's more to it Remus, you are not telling me..." He pressed.

"There's nothing to tell... Just let the sleeping dogs lie... Pardon the pun… not that you are sleeping now..."

"I know there's something you aren't telling me and I can guess why you are not telling-"

"-now you are just assuming-"

"-no really, I know you all think I am a nosy, useless, meddlesome person, who is unhinged and maybe I am and I also know you think that if you'll tell me something, it will be a bother but I also know you need an ear to listen to you… so if you feel the need to tell me… after all we both are unemployed and don't have much to do."

"Unemployment never bothered you." He replied instead when his heart was bursting to say things and emotions which had been buried too long.

"Everything bothers me these days. I didn't have a clean pair of pajamas yesterday and it bothered me to no end that is until I remembered that I am a wizard and I can transfigure some. I spent so long without a wand that there are times when I have to force myself to remember that I can do magic."

Remus was quiet for a moment and then he spoke, "Same applies to you also, about needing an ear to listen."

"Sometimes brother-" Sirius spoke and immediately Remus eyes snapped to his face though his face was downcast. He clearly heard the waiver in his voice as if his throat was clogged up. Sirius swallowed visibly to continue, "I feel I have so much to say that I can cut your ear off with my babbling and sometimes… I search words… to say something and they never come… I miss James, Remus."

"I know… I miss him too..." he whispered barely.

"I'll be happy when...maybe when I am either free or maybe when I am allowed to join on missions but anyways... I know that won't happen anytime soon, but I know your problem... It's Tonks."

Remus opened his mouth, but no words came, all he did was to work his jaw a little. "You and I both know..." He finally said after pondering a bit, "-That's there is absolutely nothing that can be done by either of us in... That aspect. She's... It's a lost cause."

"But that doesn't stops you from wanting her." He spoke back with vigor.

"I- I have always wanted her, that's not the issue anymore as I said, nothing can be done..." He said quietly wishing more than ever to just lay back and sleep. Saying these things aloud made them even more real and ten times worse.

"You have wanted her yes, but now you want her back." He said in a triumphant sort of way.

When Remus simply stared at the wall, he pressed on.

"I said I have seen a change in you and I have seen you struggling around her, when she's near; like you almost want to make an advance but you are afraid... And I know when you try to fight for control, I have seen you doing it far too many times, even if it has been years, I remember it my friend. I have seen whenever she's near how your hand twitches, how you deliberately inhale in her direction to take any minute scent of hers you can, I have seen you looking at her the way James looked at Lily whenever they had a fight- like, like you just want to hold her and kiss her like there's no tomorrow, but you are too afraid of being rejected or scared of letting everything go… Yes, you have always wanted her, but you have never been so obvious. You are anything but obvious. You want her back Remus, admit it. Whatever reasons you'd had when you left her have now become blurred for you…"

Remus swallowed hard few times. It was as if his breath was lodged in his throat and he neither could breathe in nor could he breathe out. He loathed to admit it but he knew every word that Sirius had said was right.

"I... Don't want to push harder, okay? I am lucky enough to be just close to her after what I did to her I just- just don't want to push harder and I am trying, I am trying but it's hard, it's hard to remind myself each time that it's not 1991 ... Please don't make this harder." As soon as he said it, he turned on his side, facing away from him. "Switch off the lights while going out."

He felt Sirius's weight lifting off the bed as he muttered quietly, "I never switched it on in the first place."

The door clicked closed softly.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm his racing nerves. Opening his eyes, he blinked few times and saw a feeble ghost of image of Dora's face on the opposite wall. It happened far too many times, especially in the past three years. It was almost as if her image was burned on his retinas and he would see her whenever he thought about her, about their time together… She was just at an arm's length for him to touch when she would vanish suddenly, dissolving in air.

For the life of him, he still hadn't been able to figure out if their meeting again after all those years was a good thing or a bad thing.


He sat in the dining room nursing his coffee. He had a guard duty in an hour and since he was to do it alone, it would be dreadfully boring and boring meant feeling sleepy, thus the coffee.

He heard the Order members returning back to their homes after a dreadfully long meeting.

As soon as the meeting was over, he had excused himself with his cup, not that anyone paid any particular attention to him. He was intentionally avoiding Tonks and he was sure that she didn't even notice.

Three years he had struggled and had wanted nothing more than to see just a glimpse of her face. And now that she was so near on a regular basis, it was nothing short of a torture.

He cursed his life again as he took a burning sip of his coffee. Why did things have to be overly difficult for him?

"Hey Tonks!" A voice whispered in the hallway.

Right, overly difficult.

He wanted to avoid her but circumstances never allowed.

He wanted to be with her but circumstances, again, never allowed.

"Hestia!" She whispered back excitedly.

"Come here." The voice that he now recognized as Hestia's, requested. He heard shuffling of footsteps indicating that they were walking away from the screaming portrait. And approaching the dining room. He waited with bated breath for the women to appear but they didn't. They came near to the door though and he could make out their shadows.

What was up with his life these days anyways? Why did he keep accidentally overhearing conversations of others?

"Listen, I have some news that will just make your day and blast your mind. This Saturday, there's the opening of a new Wizarding nightclub/discotheque, and I don't know if you know, but everyone's talking about it. It's called Spin the Sphinx in Torus Alley and guess what? I got the passes and you wouldn't want to miss it when you hear who is coming?"

He could hear the cheekiness and thrill in her voice when she answered back:

"Is it that handsome healer you work with and you introduced me to when I came to pick you up for lunch?"

Handsome.

"Who? William? Come on Tonks, he's married for god sake!"

"That does not mean that he can't be appreciated, I mean he had the best cheekbones I had ever seen and not to forget his accent and by Merlin his-"

"Oh shut it Tonks! His wife does not need any further escalation in his fan girls, she has already too many to deal with..."

"Alright them who is it; who is coming?" Tonks replied with barely concealed eagerness and in spite of it Remus smiled. Her enthusiasm was infectious. Even if he couldn't exactly see her face and she was at a distance, she was still capable of making him smile.

"Sebastian Wilson..."

"No...!" She gasped. "-No no you got to be kidding me Hestia!" He heard the awe in her voice.

"No not at all and that's just the beginning-" He could hear that she was bursting to tell whatever it was she knew.

And who was Sebastian Wilson? He thought with a lurch in his chest.

"But he's Sebastian! God I have got his poster in my living room!"

"I know, I know you are batshit crazy about the quidditch player..."

"I am coming okay? I don't care what happens but I won't miss my only chance to meet the famous Sebastian Wilson..."

"That's not it Tonks. You know who's inaugurating the club? Asher Martin..."

"Now I know you are definitely kidding! Last time I saw in the newspapers he was in Germany."

"Yes but- listen, this club's owner is Britain's richest wizard- Francis Axton, and obviously that man's got connection with celebrities and important people, no commoner can even get their hands on the passes and I got them because I once treated Axton's cousin and well you- are an Auror, heck you can enter the premises even without a pass, who would stop an Auror?"

Commoners… But Remus Lupin wasn't a commoner, was he? Commoners were normal people of the society, the normal civilians… But he didn't even have the privilege of being a commoner… he was much lower than that…

"If that's the case, then the main motive of my becoming an Auror is fulfilled! Who else is coming?"

"Wouldn't you just want to know? You know who's performing there? The Weird Sisters of course!"

Tonks gasped again. "You mean Heathcote Barbary will be there? Merlin, that man is hot... I have been dying to lay my eyes on him. Hestia I love you; if these people are really going to be there then I owe you my life!" She spoke passionately and then almost whispered dreamily, "Heathcote Barbary... Asher Martin... Sebastian Wilson... Oh god I can't wait..."

"And as I have heard, Heathcote is single and keen to mingle, you never know… Think about it… a passionate guitarist and sexy Auror, my that sounds scandalous…"

Tonks giggled.

"And listen, it's a very important event so dress in a very posh way..."

"Posh, huh?"

"Yes and I'll leave it to figure out meaning of that on your own. Between the Order and our work, I can't wait for this..."

"Damn right... I don't know how I will sleep until the night comes..."

"Meet me at my flat then at eight pm on Saturday."

"Sure thing!"

He sat still until they had left. He got up on his trembling knees, leaving the coffee unattended which was now giving a bitter taste in his mouth. He mindlessly walked to the corner of the room to gather his bearings. He placed his clammy palm of the wall and rested his forehead beside it.

He breathed deeply to calm his fast beating heart.

Somewhere along the lines, ever since she had came back and especially ever since she had extended a hand of friendship towards him, he had been soothed in to a false sense of assurance; assurance that there was still a minute chance of them getting back together, assurance that there was still hope.

But reality had punched him in the guts and slapped him in the face, all over again. Just a girly, friendly chat between two friends had opened his eyes.

He had been aiming for the skies.

And he had fallen mid-way and now was left with a broken heart, once again.

He knocked his forehead against the wall lightly as the ringing in his ears intensified. He laughed hollowly.

A werewolf and a ministry Auror… what kind of a foolish joke was that? And he was even more foolish for having faith (no matter how small) in such a joke.

If they had been together, was there a chance that he could have accompanied his girlfriend to this event like a normal partner? Of course not.

How humiliating it would have been for her to walk arm in arm with a man whose wardrobe had barely seen anything other than second hand clothes or who had more grey in his hairs than a hundred year old? How shameful it must have been for him to see his girlfriend-all accomplished, beautiful and an important member of society- with a werewolf, with a half-human, with an animal?

She could never be his. Yes, she had loved him once, deeply but it had been a very secret relationship. Did she really deserve such a life where she would have to pretend all the time that she was single while his boyfriend/husband waited for her at home? No, that was one of the reason why he had left.

A woman like Nymphadora Tonks did not deserve a second rated lifestyle.

And how had he dared to try for such a thing?

Sirius had been right. These days, he had trouble controlling himself when she was near him. And he also knew very well that he was on the verge of breaking. Normally, he was calm and stoic person, but she had always managed to shake that calm. He knew that sooner or later he would do something very stupid, which he would regret forever; she had agreed to be friends with him, but he knew deep in his heart that he wanted more, despite knowing how that had ended last time.

And hearing it directly from her mouth, her appraisals of other men, granted they were celebrities, (celebrities which she would be meeting personally and in all truth she deserved no less than a celebrity) had only fueled his fire.

He had to stop himself, he had to stop his mouth from speaking something that he would forever regret, he had to stop his hand from reaching out for her which he knew would be slapped away in rejection, he had to stop his eyes from seeking out her face everytime, everywhere…

He just had to stop himself; he just had to stop the dam within him from breaking or else he would be blown away in the flood of emotions only to never stand back again.