A/N-Sorry for the delay guys. I was still wiped out from my trip and so much was going on at work this week. But atleast I already know what I want to do for the next chapter so hopefully the writing wont take as long. So here it is the big reveal for Anna. John finally gives in a little more to his feelings. It's an emotional chapter but I swear the next chapter will have the fluff I've been promising. And I know I rated it "M" for a reason so that will be coming up eventually, I didn't do it just for the language. I hope you all don't mind I did borrow some stuff from the script to incorporate into here. When you read it you'll know what I mean, but I tried to not do it all word for word as it was on the show. As always, reviews and criticism is accepted even from anon readers. Enjoy the remainder of your weekend.
Disclaimer: I'm still poor, I don't get anything from Julian Fellowes or his henchmen. They deserve the props they get for all the things they do to make Downton Abbey what it is.
Chapter 9
Revelations Pt.2
The silence was deafening and her question still hung in the air. The look on her face broke his heart and he was scared. Scared he'd say the wrong thing. Scared he couldn't be what she needed him to be or say what she needed him to say. He chose his words carefully before saying, "I shouldn't make that promise."
"Why not?" she asked through tears.
"Because you don't want to get tangled up with someone like me, Anna," he argued.
"You can't honestly tell me you don't feel what is happening between us," she pleaded.
He didn't want to answer that; he knew it would lead down a path of no return. "Anna, we are friends. And I'm glad for that. But…" he said.
"But what?" she asked.
"Anna there is still so much more that you don't know about me. Stuff that would make you change your opinion of me," he said.
"There's nothing you could tell me that would make me change the way I feel about you," she shot back.
He had hoped he could keep her at bay without having to go this far. He knew once he said the words there would be no changing her mind and she wouldn't want anything to do with him anymore. And as much as it would hurt he knew it was for the best. She deserved someone better, someone younger, someone that could love her the way she deserved to be loved. "I don't own a home. The few possessions I own I carry on my back or my truck," he said and he waited for her reaction. When she didn't react he continued on, "I've been married before and it ended horribly." Her eyes widened a bit, she hadn't expected that, but it didn't dissuade her. She took in a deep breath and exhaled through her nose but she didn't speak. She still stood staring at him her lips in a firm line, "I've abused prescription drugs and alcohol for the better part of the past 20 years. I'm an addict for Christ sake…and…I may never get all my baggage sorted out." He stared at the floor unable to look up in her eyes; he couldn't bear to see the disappointment that would certainly be awaiting him.
"How little do you think of me John Bates?" she asked.
John looked up at her and was flabbergasted that she had misinterpreted his words. "Quite on the contrary, I think very highly of you," he corrected.
The tears were still threatening to fall out from the brim of her eyes but she was most definitely furious with him, of that he was sure. "Do you think that's all I'm after? Someone with money and a house? Someone without a past? Someone that's never made mistakes?" She didn't even give him a chance to answer in between questions. She just kept hammering away at him. It was a side of Anna he had only caught a glimpse of earlier and he hated that her anger was directed towards him; but maybe it was better this way. It was better to have her leave angry with him than heartbroken and in tears. "Do I look like a fool to you?" she asked and this time she allowed him to answer.
"No, of course not," he answered.
"Because I would have to be to think that someone without flaws exists. I'll have you know that I am very capable of making my own, rational choices Mr. Bates" The fact that she stopped calling him by his first name was like a punch in the stomach. He felt her slipping away and an anxiety attack was coming on again. He ignored it and fought to keep her there and hear him out.
"Anna, please just let me…" he tried to calm her and fix the situation but she had cut him off.
"I'm not looking for a perfect man. I'm looking for the perfect man for me. I thought I saw that in you, but I guess I was wrong," she said in a shaky voice as she wriggled free of his arms.
His temples were pounding and his heart was beating faster. "Anna, please don't misunderstand me. I didn't mean it that way," John said as he tried to get them back on track.
"No, I understood it perfectly. You clearly don't care for me that way. I'm the stupid one for allowing myself to think you loved me back," she said and she began to gather her things to leave.
He reached for her arm and stopped her from walking out the door; it wasn't forceful but it stopped Anna in her tracks. He felt his heart rate returning back to normal and he began to get his breathing under control again. "Now hold on just a minute. You can leave here thinking whatever you want about me and call me every nasty thing you can think up. God knows I've probably been called worse by plenty of other people. But I'll not have you leaving here thinking that I thought less of you. It's because I care for you that I can't allow you to throw your life away. I'm no good Anna. I'm cursed. You'd be welcoming a lifetime of pain if you were to hitch your star to my wagon. Save yourself the trouble and dream of another man."
"I couldn't. Not ever," she said with conviction.
"I know you, Anna Smith, and I love you, and that is not the right path for you," he said as he held her hand. He hadn't meant to blurt that out, but it's all he'd been able to think about since the moment he laid eyes on her. She looked up at him in amazement with her jaw dropped. Now she didn't know what to do, she had been prepared to storm out thinking he had not returned her love and now his confession changed everything.
"You love me? Then why do you insist on pushing me away?" she asked.
He could see he was getting nowhere with this. They would continue going in circles at this rate. She was too stubborn to let him go and he was too stubborn to give in to his feelings. "Perhaps I made a mistake," he said softly. She looked up at him hopefully thinking she had changed his mind. "I shouldn't have let this go past that first night," he said sadly and she frowned back at him. "I may never understand why you were at that meeting in the first place. But you were there first and as soon as I possibly can I'll find a new group," he said as he let go of her hands.
She wanted him to stay but now she was beginning to think that her presence in his life may be doing more harm than good. If things didn't work out between them she would hate to know that she had been the cause for him falling off the wagon. Anna bit her bottom lip as she continued to fight back tears. She mustered up as much courage as she could and put on her bravest face before saying, "I'm ever so sorry you're going." She swiped her fingers at her eyes to clear them of the tears that had been building up.
John offered her a half smile and said, "I'll be alright.
"Of course you will. I hope that you'll find a group that will accept you with open arms and help you get the help you deserve," she replied.
"Oh yes. Something will turn up," he said. He so desperately wanted to hold her and tell her he was sorry for the pain he was putting her through.
And then she said the last thing he expected, "Tell us when you're fixed. Just drop us a line. Else I'll worry." Here he had essentially extinguished her flame and stomped it out and yet she was still trying to look out for him.
"Well, we can't have that," he said.
She offered her hand out to shake and it seemed so foreign that they had been resigned to this sort of interaction when before he had been holding her in his arms. He almost didn't want to shake her hand for fear that he wouldn't be able to let her go. But he did and she began to walk out the door.
"Hold on," he said and she turned around quickly, "don't forget your jacket." With the jacket in hand she now realized there would be no reason for her to return here other than John. But she was realistic enough to know that would not be possible. Not without the risk of reigniting the feelings she had for him.
He held the door open as she walked out and she turned around one last time to look at him. "You want to know why I go to those meetings?" she asked.
John had been curious, but he had assumed that she wouldn't want to share such a personal detail with him now that he had rebuffed her. Her face was already red from the crying she had been doing earlier and he could see she was on the verge of crying once more. He shifted on his feet uncomfortably, "Anna, you don't have to tell me anything," he said trying to sound sympathetic.
She took a deep breath and exhaled, "My brother, Ethan, my best friend. He went to those meetings." Anna now found that she couldn't look John in the eye; she knew if she did she would surely crumple in the very spot that she stood. "My brother was going to law school and couldn't afford to keep going there. He got mixed up with some bad people and began dealing drugs to pay his way through law school instead of just asking for help. My father had always held us to high standards, too high perhaps," she said sadly. "I had started to notice the change in him first and told my mum we needed to confront him but she refused to believe any child of hers was involved in that sort of thing. I finally asked him myself and he confided in me that he failed the bar exam twice. The depression and possibility of failing my father had gotten to him and he began drinking excessively. He eventually lost his place in the university and a girl he loved," she said woefully. "By then my parents acknowledged his problems and my father refused to let him live in the house. But I couldn't turn my back on him so easily…I let him move in with me on the condition that he start attending meetings. I went with him to every meeting."
John felt for her, he couldn't fathom her being a drinker or addict. He'd never felt so horrible, he felt as though he had initiated this conversation. He had no right to know this information; not after the way he treated her. "He struggled and fought me on everything, but I kept reminding myself of the person he used to be. I wanted so badly to have him back, John. When his girlfriend gave up on him it got worse. I had never seen him so low. I was investing so much time and effort in him that it took a toll on my relationship and my fiancé, Mark, moved out. It hurt losing Mark, but so long as Ethan was okay I was willing to let it go." John shuddered at the thought of someone walking out on her when she was so selfless towards everyone she encountered. He still wasn't sure why she was sharing all this with him. Maybe it meant there was a chance she was still willing to be his friend. After all why would she share it with someone that she didn't consider a friend?
Anna paused for a moment before continuing and John let her collect her thoughts and dab at her eyes with her sleeve before saying anything more. "When his dealer showed up at my house I had had it. I had no choice but to throw him out," she said and then the tears came. "I told him he couldn't stay there if he was going to continue using drugs and drinking. If I had any idea that that would be the last time I would see him, I would have never thrown him out," she continued through her sobbing. John could hold back no more. He instinctively reached out for her shoulder and began rubbing at her back to console her, being careful not to get to close. "Ethan disappeared for three days and I finally got a call from his girlfriend saying he had stopped by and left a note saying he was sorry for all his mistakes and that he'd always love her." Anna felt her chest clench and it physically hurt her heart to say the next part, "I was at work the next day and I got a call saying they had found my brother, he had overdosed on prescription drugs and alcohol. The prescription drugs had come from my house. I hadn't even noticed they were missing," she said as her head fell forward and her hair fell in her face.
John pushed the errant hair from her eyes, "Anna, you can't blame yourself for that. Even if you had known they were missing you couldn't have stopped him from using them."
"No, but I will always wonder if he would have gotten better had I allowed him to stay," she said.
John didn't know what else to say. But John knew how he would have acted and if he didn't want to get better he wouldn't. "I think that sometimes we lose our way. And if we don't find something to fight for or want to get better on our own, we never will," he said. It probably wasn't the most poetic thing to say but he didn't want her blaming herself for the choices that her brother had made. "I think I know where you your brother was coming from…" he paused for a moment and Anna looked up at him. She wanted answers; preferably from someone who didn't know her brother. "Sometimes, I feel like I've overstayed my welcome…that all the bad things that keep happening are just cruel reminders that I don't belong here," John said without thinking. Anna was filled with worry and her jaw quivered a little as her eyes lowered to the floor. She didn't think she could go through losing someone like that again. "Don't worry I'm past that point…" he said as he placed his fingers under her chin and raised it for her to look at him, "I found something worth fighting for." He smiled at her and there was a spark in his eye that he hadn't had there before. Her eyes were boring holes into his soul and she found it in herself to produce a small smile for him. John felt the warmth again that he felt when they first met.
"I'm sorry you had to lose your fiancé in the process," he said attempting to sound sincere; even though the thought of Anna with another man made him sick to his stomach.
"I'm not," she said quickly, "I realized he wasn't the one for me. He didn't realize the importance of putting family first." Neither of them had even noticed it but she was practically back in his arms again, "I just wish I could have gotten a letter from him. Maybe it would have given me more peace of mind or some sort of closure. Instead I just feel like a hollow shell that keeps returning to his meetings. I keep hoping I'll find some remnant of Ethan there, a memory or someone like him that I can help. So that they don't go down the same path he did…I don't want his death to be in vain."
"I didn't know your brother Anna, so forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn. What you are doing with the people at the meetings is admirable, but I think you need to live for yourself and not just for his memory," John advised.
"I thought that's what I was doing with you," she said and John became very quiet. She didn't want to push him; she didn't want to lose him as a friend. He was the first person that she had talked openly about Ethan with aside from Gwen. It had felt good to talk about him again and she couldn't imagine sharing it with anyone but John. In some ways he had reminded her of Ethan. Ethan had slightly lighter features but a similar build and the same boyish grin that John had. When she first met John and saw that look of desperation and hopelessness she had been reminded of Ethan in his final weeks. It's why she had reached out to him. She needed John just as much as he needed her. A few more moments of silence passed between them and Anna was the one to finally pull away, "I should get going."
"Anna, are you okay to drive?" John asked.
"Yeah, I'll be fine," she said. Even with her puffy eyes, red cheeks, and messy hair she still looked perfect to him. Her revelation had taken a toll on him as much as it had her though. He now knew the effects of his actions on others; he knew he could never leave Anna like that.
She paused again as she was ready to walk out the door and she handed the jacket back to him. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"I think you should have it," she said matter-of-factly.
"No, Anna, I couldn't," he said as he tried to give it back.
"You like the team don't you?" she asked. "I mean I'm assuming or you wouldn't have picked that one from the closet," she reasoned.
"Yes, I do but…" he said before she cut him off and pushed his hands back.
"But, nothing. It doesn't fit me and I still have plenty of his clothes. Besides the color suits you," she said as she walked out the door. "Just promise me something, John…whenever you are ready to let someone in and love them back…don't fight it…just come out with it." She hugged him once before she walked out the door.
Once she had left he shut the door softly behind her and let his head fall lightly against it. He was grateful that they were still friends; grateful that she hadn't shouted unspeakable things at him or walked out on him. He could have taken it, but he knew it would have eaten away at him once she was gone. Deep down he wasn't surprised though, Anna wasn't like that. Not his forgiving, sweet, and loving Anna. A woman who had survived her fiancé walking out on her and her brother's death, yet still found the strength to hold her head high. John had been right to think she was a lady. And he never knew a finer one.
