Chapter 9: There Are No Words To Describe How I Feel

The morning I was due to leave arrived and I looked over at the woman who had touched my life more than she would ever know and I wondered how on Earth I was going to leave her. Lisa was the best thing that had happened to me in such a long time and yet I was still found myself prepared to walk away. My feelings had grown for her over time, but they had seemed to have gone the opposite way for her. The conversation we shared where she seemed so happy that I was going home still burned in my brain, and stopped me from ever thinking that I would be any more than a client -no a friend -to her.

Yet here she was lying on my shoulder, arm resting over my chest, my own arm wrapped round her shoulders and it felt so right. Not that I think she knew that shed ended up like this in the night though. She had fallen asleep sitting up last night, her head resting on mine, and it took all of my energy to lie her down without waking her up. I knew that I should have got out of the bed there and then but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, it was the last night I was going to spend with her and I just wanted to feel close to her, so I lay there staring at the ceiling when she rolled over, put her head on my shoulder and wrapping her arm across my chest.

I felt myself getting aroused. Christ this was not good I thought to myself as I looked into her sleeping face; Yet still I couldn't move away from her, so I moved my arm and gently put it round her, bringing her close to me and sighed in contentment. I tried to sleep that night but sleep didn't come easily and in the early hours of the morning I glanced at her as she mumbled something in her sleep, I could have sworn she said "don't go" but I discounted it, she had made her feelings clear in the phone call the other night.

I glanced at her again and couldn't help myself, I lightly brushed her face with my hand, she smiled in her sleep, and I leaned over and kissed her lips gently. I hadn't a clue what I would do if she woke up, no I knew what I would do if she woke up. For better or worse I would take her there and then, wanting to be with her for that last night not caring about boundaries and rules just needing her. Except she didn't wake. I sighed to myself, trying to calm myself down, and trying to shut out the world and the growing sense of loss that I felt

The morning eventually came and she stirred in my arms I hoped she wouldn't be mad about me not leaving her last night but instead she wrapped her arm even more tightly round me as she woke and moaned when I dared to move;

"Aw don't move" she said softly and I knew I had to have one last try at finding out how she really felt

"I often wonder what would have happened if I hadn't walked out on you that morning" I asked her hesitantly "And maybe whether we would have felt differently about each other" I looked at her expectantly but saw nothing on her face to give her away. She closed her eyes, I couldn't tell how she was feeling.

"Stu I don't see the point in going into this now" She said to me so coldly "in four hours' time you get on a plane home and back to your life, one that I cannot begin to hope to understand"

I sighed sadly to myself, I was fighting a losing battle here and I knew it "But there's nothing between us now, is there?" I looked at her, willing her to tell me what was going through her mind but she just lay there in silence; I needed to get away from her before I cracked but before I walked away I needed to do one thing, I reached over and cupped her face in my hands and kissed her one last time trying to put every bit of feeling I had into that kiss "Thank you Lisa for everything" I whispered to her and walked to the bathroom before my emotions overcame me. "Fucking hell" I mumbled to myself in the bathroom "Why is this so fucking hard?"

To say the next hour, and the trip to the airport was tense was an understatement. My mum tried to lighten the mood but none of us were in the mood to talk; I glanced in the mirror at Lisa, she seemed lost in her thoughts; I wish that for once I could hear what was going on in her head but she seemed lost to me now. I got out of the car and gave my mum a big hug. She had done so much for me over the last month and it was hard to say goodbye to her; I looked at her face and she raised her eyebrows glancing over at Lisa. I shook my head and I heard her mutter "bloody fools" I chose to ignore it

I held my arm out to Lisa and we walked inside to departures. My heart was thumping in my chest now. I can't believe how difficult this is. I left her while I checked in, the man looked up at me handing me back my ticket.

"Hope you have a good holiday sir" he smiled

"Not a holiday mate" I replied "Im going home" I started a little as I said it

No that wasn't home, this was home, and this is where I had people who cared about me. I sighed to myself, and began to walk back to Lisa; I glanced over at her, she was obviously struggling to keep it together. Please don't cry, I thought to myself, I wasn't sure whether I could walk away if she did that. I walked back over to her, and grabbed her hands in mine.

"So this is it" I was said hardly able to get the words out "This is harder than I thought it was going to be" I admitted "im going to miss you so much" I nearly choked on that, I could feel myself losing what little control I had left, I breathed deeply to compose myself; She looked at me sadly, tears running down her cheeks.

"I will miss you too" she said and my heart broke then and there. I don't think I really heard what she said after then, my heart screamed that I needed to tell her how I felt, although I knew that she wasn't interested in me in that way so I kept my thoughts to myself. I promised her that I would keep in touch, though with the way I felt now I wasn't sure that I could cope with speaking to her knowing the distance between us, physically and emotionally.

She looked at me and almost pleaded

"Just don't forget me okay"

I couldn't help myself, I brushed her face gently with my hand and whispered to her

"how could I forget you, you gave me my life back; without you I would be nothing, I owe you everything" Again, I wanted to tell her then how I felt, but something stopped me, and the look in her eyes showed me that I'd just lost my last chance

"You need to go" she eventually said. The voice of reason till the end I smiled to myself. I went up to her and wrapped my arms around her. She returned the hug and we clung there for what seemed like forever.

I looked at her straight in the eyes and kissed her gently on the lips "goodbye Lisa" I whispered "Thank you" I literally couldn't cope anymore and walked away abruptly. I looked back at her once id reached the departure gate, and saw her wipe tears away from her face.

What have I done. Although she couldn't hear me, and she would probably never hear me say it to her face I whispered to her "I love you Lisa" I hoped against hope that maybe she may have gotten what I said, that she would take that with her. I took one last look, waved her goodbye and walked away from the best thing that has ever happened to me…

The only good thing about flying business class was that I didn't have long to wait in the departures lounge. All I wanted to do was get on that plane and drown out the noise that was in my head; I looked down at my phone, not knowing what I was expecting but hoping that I would have a message, any message just to tell me that she felt the same way as I did. None ever came; I felt that all too familiar feeling of despair wash over me but I heard Lisa's voice telling me to remain positive, and get back in the ring for her as well as for me and I was determined to do just that.

Finally my flight was called and I queued to take my seat on the plane. Once settled I took one last look at my phone. There was a message from my mum saying safe journey, and to make sure that opportunities were never wasted again; I wondered what she meant, but just let it go; I took one quick look at Twitter, looking at Lisa's timeline just wanted to know if she was okay, but there was nothing on there except a message to her friend Molly asking where she was; I quickly followed Molly and sent her a direct message

D AttitudeAdjustment look after her for me please, I just need to know that she will be ok (don't tell her I've sent you this)

D wadebarrett of course I will, but don't you think you should tell her yourself?

I was going to reply when the flight attendant came around and asked me to turn off my phone. I did with a heavy heart. Last checks were done, and we prepared to take off. I stole one last look outside, one last look at home I thought to myself, and braced myself for the eight hour journey.

The flight passed in a daze, I got myself a couple of Stella's just to take the edge off the way I was feeling, and fell into an uneasy sleep until I was woken up not long before we were due to land. Bloody hell, I thought to myself, I obviously needed that sleep. The plane landed back at Tampa airport, and I trudged off through customs, and to the baggage area

"Bet they will be bloody last" I murmured to myself, and sure enough I was the last person to leave the carousel "Every bloody time" I smiled to myself knowing what Lisa would say, and I felt the emotions well up again. I grabbed a cab outside of the airport and finally I got back to the house id left five weeks ago, it seemed like a lifetime so much had happened to me since then. I plugged in my TV, turned on the sports channel and sat staring at the screen, watching the friendly football results come through

Derby 4 Preston 2 the TV showed me "Fucking bollocks" I thought to myself, and laughed thinking that Lisa would be pleased with that score. I went to get my phone and text her but stopped myself. My emotions were too raw and I just couldn't deal with having a conversation with her right now. I didn't even know what she was feeling right now. It was too soon for both of us. I took one look at Twitter, still no message or tweet from her; I frowned, it was so unlike her not to be on there, or for her not at least to message me. I guess she's moved on already I thought to myself getting a bit annoyed from it. I threw my phone across the room and decided to just throw myself into my work, and forget about her completely.

The next twenty four hours were a bit of a blur I have to say. I travelled up to Boston where the final Raw before Money In The Bank was to be held, met up with Vince and Paul where we were to discuss how I was going to get back on TV. They told me that they wanted me to make an appearance that night, not wrestle but just take out the supposed final Money In The Bank contender for Smackdown, Heath slater and declare myself the final contender; I was excited to get back into the ring that was obvious, but I wish I could share my news with that 1 person who, as much as I tried, still stayed there at the back of my mind.

"So…" Paul started after the meeting ended "You going to tell us who this mysterious guardian angel of yours is"

I looked up at them frowning "Its nobody" I lied "I met a woman whose background is in Psychology and she helped me get my mind straight over the last few weeks that's all"

Paul grinned childishly "Yeah sure I've seen that look before. There is a lot more to this than that"

"No there isn't" I insisted "It was a business arrangement that's all; She's in the UK now and im here so that's it"

"If you insist" Paul countered "But ask yourself this, if that's all there is too it, then why are you being defensive about a few innocent questions?"

I looked up at him and sighed conceding "It doesn't matter anyway. She hasn't spoken to me at all since I got home, no messages, no tweets, nothing so whatever I want isn't going to happen, so I'm just going to forget about it"

"For God's sake Stu" Paul looked at me annoyed "She's a woman. For a start she would want you to message her first. Also when they are hurting they tend to try and walk away from that hurt. Why haven't you messaged her?"

"I don't know" I admitted "It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I'm finding it difficult now without her, I don't know what I would do if I talked to her, and heard her voice"

"Okay what makes you think then that it's any different for her?"

"But she was happy when I told her when I was coming home" I countered

"You say she works in Psychology? And you wonder why she may be able to mask her feelings? You really are more stupid than you look, Stu"

"Fuck off" I mumbled but I wondered whether he was really right

"Anyway" he changed the subject "We have decided to stick to our original plans and let you win the briefcase for Smackdown, and have Nick win the one for Raw"

I looked up and smiled "Good news" I started to say though for some reason I was pissed off that Nick was winning that Raw one, I shook my head "Lisa will be happy" I could see Paul laughing at me "Piss off" I grumbled though I was smiling, to which he responded by laughed more

"Sort it out Stu" he smiled "You know you want to"

I knew he was right and I also knew that I had to concentrate on getting back on TV. I started when I realised that Lisa would be watching tonight and I wondered whether I could do anything to let her know how I was feeling or at least that I was thinking of her.

Raw started as usual, and it went all the way to the last segment where I was to go out and attack Heath; He was doing his usual shit in the ring, and I was due to come out of the crowd and beat him down; I knew they had told me to try and protect my arm so we had planned the moves that would include no lifting or straining; The segment went well, and the crowd went mad when they saw it was me. Lisa was right I thought to myself as I picked up the microphone, this really was a new start.

"tonight I serve notice that I am back to pick up where I left off when I got injured by that fat idiot Big Show" The crowd cheered, Paul was now one of the most hated men on the roster. No one will be able to stop me in this ring, nor at Money In The Bank where it will be me that gets that briefcase and wins that World heavyweight Championship. To those that boo me, I don't care you mean nothing to me. There were some boos in the audience and I wanted to smile but just kept myself in check. I really loved playing the pantomime villain. To those that cheer me I don't care either. You are all no more than ants to step on, on the way to the top, and no one will stop me getting there; I don't do this for any of you, I do this for me and only me" I stopped and thought of something, it would mean going slightly of script but I didn't care "No that's wrong I do that for me and one other person who is thousand times better than every single person in the building, you are all worthless compared to us. So cheer me or boo me I don't care. Just remember the night that you saw the next WHC come back to his rightful place"

With that I dropped the microphone to a chorus of boos and walked back up the ramp to the backstage area hoping that one person I referred had picked up the message that I had sent out tonight; I was exhausted as I packed up my stuff, had a quick shower and changed and got in my car for the short journey to the city where Smackdown would be held. When I arrived at my hotel, I immediately went up to my room and slumped on the bed. God I missed her so much I thought my head was going to explode. I sent a forlorn look to my phone and to Twitter when I noticed a couple of tweets that sent my head into a spin

wadebarrett so happy to see you back in that ring tonight, I miss you xx

My heart almost jumped out my body then I saw the next one which was a Direct Message.

D wadebarrett going to regret this so much, but just wanted to say I miss you more than you will know

D Wadebarrett been talking to your mum and she made me realise that I have been an idiot

D Wadebarrett I couldn't message you, it hurt too much, but I want you to know I think about you all day every day and it gets no better

D WadeBarrett I know this is stupid, and I know you have moved on but seeing you tonight made me realise I wish I'd never let you go

D god I feel stupid now. Goodnight xxx

I stared at my phone, "Fucking bastard" I shouted at myself "What a fucking idiot I've been" I needed to speak to her like now and I picked up my phone and dialled her number….No answer. I rang again, once again no answer "For god's Sake I bet she's got it on silent" I said to myself so I went on twitter and sent the most forceful tweet I could think up.

CometoLife FGS WOMAN PICK UP YOUR PHONE! I DON'T CARE THAT ITS 5AM JUST DO IT!

I hoped this would do the trick, and I dialled one last time counting the seconds.

"Hey" and obviously sleepy voice greeted on the other end of the phone "Don't you know some of us are trying to sleep?"

I wish she could see the wide smile that I had on my face right now "Well how rude" I smiled to myself "sleeping is boring, talking to me is more interesting"

I heard her laugh softly "It's good to hear your voice" she admitted "seems like forever and not only two days"

"Yeah I know. Look Lisa im so sorry I didn't message you it was just…."

"You don't need to explain" she replied quickly.

"Yeah I do" I interrupted "I found leaving you harder than I ever thought I would I was so confused,. But I know that since I've been home I've picked up that phone a thousand times wanting to call but something stopped me, I didn't know whether you would want to hear from me and I didn't want to interrupt your life"

"Why on earth would you think that?" she sounded genuinely surprised

"It's just I thought you would move on, it was just a business arrangement to you"

There was silence on the end of the phone

"Lisa?" I asked

"It was never ever just a business arrangement to me Stu. Never"

"Oh Lisa" I started. A crazy idea came to me and I voiced it immediately. Look, I have a plan. Don't interrupt me till I've finished promise me?"

"I promise" I heard her say

"Come over to me" I knew it was mad yet I just wanted to, I need to, see her "You can get flights every day to Tampa, and I promised I was going to get you here to see me win Money In The Bank"

"You're going to win?"

"Yep I am" I smiled to myself at the happiness in her question "But I want you here to see it. All I know is that I want to see you. I don't think we will know about anything else until we are back together again, face to face but let's at least give it a try?"

"I don't think I can afford…." She began but I interrupted her.

"Don't worry about money I will pay for anything, without you I wouldn't be here so think of it as my thank you gift to you"

"I can't…."

"Yes you can!"Will you come?" I asked

"Of course I will" she laughed down the end of the phone "there is a flight out Wednesday morning which gets in at one pm. Is that okay?

"Lisa you are a fast worker" I laughed feeling elated all of a sudden

"Of course" she replied smoothly and I could hear the happiness in her voice as well

"Okay I will send you the money over, book your flight and I will be there to meet you on Wednesday"

"Okay. Now can a woman get some sleep?"

"Yes yes yes" I replied and I started to say goodbye "Oh Lisa?" I said before I put the phone down "I can't wait to see you"

"Same here" she said quietly and I hung up.

"Love you" I whispered as I stared at the phone, hoping that one day I would get to tell her that myself