OMG OMG OMG 17 DAYS!!!!!
"Serena?" Blair asked meekly once Chuck and Nate were out of earshot.
"Yes, B?"
"How long was I out for?" Blair asked and Serena's eyebrows pulled her together in confusion.
"The doctor told you this morning, Blair...a month."
"I know...but...I feel like...I've missed out on so much more..." Blair struggled. She brought her hand up to the left side of her head. Through her hair she could feel the scars from where her head had been stitched up.
"It's ok B, as long as you're awake, everything will be fine. I thought Chuck was going to commit suicide or something; he blames himself."
"Why?" Blair asked in bewilderment – this was totally uncharacteristic behaviour for Chuck.
"Because of that fight you guys got into over Nate. When they found you, you had a blood alcohol level of about 0.07 – that's pretty bad Blair. So it was assumed you had spent the night getting drunk because of your depression. He blames himself for making you choose between staying with him and staying friends with Nate." Serena explained, all the while patting Blair's hand. Blair frowned in confusion. Staying with Chuck? Staying friends with Nate?
"What do you mean, staying with Chuck?" She asked and Serena's eyes widened in surprise.
"Um...you're engaged, remember?" Serena gestured towards the ring that was now too big for Blair's finger and was starting to slowly slip off. She took it off to examine it again and then it finally all clicked together: why Chuck came in first and greeted her with a kiss on the forehead, why he was being so affectionate to her and why he told her he loved her. But, how the hell could that have all happened in the space of Serena's return to New York and a break up between her and Nate she didn't even remember happening? Sure they'd been a bit rocky, especially since Serena returned; but Nate told her he'd try to avoid Serena and be a better guy for Blair. Blair started hyperventilating as she came to realise that perhaps there was only one answer – a very clear and precise answer; she had lost her memory. Fat tears oozed out of her eyes and splashed down onto her hospital gown; she wiped them away with her left hand and Serena tried soothing her.
"Blair, don't cry,"
"I-I don't r-remember..." She stuttered and just then, Dr Green re-entered Blair's room; holding her clipboard.
"Blair, I have a conclusion from your test results. If you'd like to hear them..." She asked and Blair simply nodded as she was incoherent; and Serena brushed her hair back and out of her face.
"Miss Waldorf, you've been diagnosed with temporary Retrograde Amnesia." Serena gasped and Blair continued to weep silently. So it was official now; she had lost her memory.
"Unfortunately, when we took your fMRI brain scan, we overlooked the damage done to your temporal lobe. As it happens, it has resulted in memory impairment. You will, for at least the next few weeks, have trouble recalling events that have occurred in the past two years."
*
Chuck was very hesitant about visiting Blair ever since he heard the news of her amnesia. When Serena had first told him the night Blair was diagnosed a few weeks ago, he had entered his bedroom and – as hard and unmanly it was to admit it – cried himself to sleep. The night, after Victrola two years ago, should have never happened – he wouldn't have realised he was in love with Blair. If he had never realised he was in love with Blair, he would never have pursued her; if he'd never pursued her, he would never had hurt her in so many ways, he'd had never admitted to her he loved her, he'd had never proposed and then she never would have had a reason to go to that bar on September the 1st or, get into that cab at 8PM...and most importantly, he would not be hurting nearly as much as he was hurting right now. The day when she awoke, October the 3rd, still haunted him – the way she looked at him was as if he were a stranger; and the way she looked at Nate was as if he was the one she was engaged to. What did this mean now? Were they still engaged? Surely, by now, Serena would have told Blair about everything and Blair could now make her decision whether she wanted to believe it or not. Maybe he could pop by her penthouse and ask her himself? Or maybe, she'd just ask him to leave, because he was creeping her out. He shuddered at the last thought. He heard the familiar sound of clicking heels making their way down the corridor and he stepped out of his room to greet Serena.
"Serena!"
"Hey Chuck. I thought you were out."
"Hardly. Did you just come back from Blair's?"
"Yes."
"How's she doing?"
"She's ok; though, she doesn't really remember much of the past two years; just little things basically, like me and Nate; and me coming back; and you being an asshole." Serena smirked a little on the last word, but the broken look on Chuck's face shut her up and she changed her tone.
"The doctor said that it might take a while, but she will remember everything in time. Luckily, it's just temporary amnesia – the damage to her brain has just inhibited her ability to recall memories, rather than destroy the memories all together. So they're still there, they've just been lost...in her brain...somewhere." Serena explained in a poor imitation of the doctor's explanation. Chuck relaxed his expression a fraction.
"Don't worry, Chuck. The memory of you guys is still there, but she can't quite retrieve that memory. At the moment, all she remembers is the beginning of last year. She still thinks we're juniors and she still thinks she's with Nate." Chuck exhaled loudly through his nostrils. The pit of his stomach burned with jealousy and hurt.
"I'm going to her house." But as Chuck tried to get past Serena, she pushed him back with her hand.
"I don't think that's a very good idea." She spoke, raising her eyebrows. He glared at her.
"Why?" But then he realised that he knew exactly why. Obviously Nate was with her. He had to be honest with himself; he probably would not be able to refrain from punching Nate in the face this time – that whole month his anger, hate and hurt had built up, and he wasn't so sure if he wouldn't mind punching Nate in the face.
"I'm going back tomorrow morning; you can come with me." Serena offered while Chuck looked down, embarrassed and hurt. He decided that this was probably the best option for him; for the moment, he could not be alone with Blair, but he couldn't be without her either. He nodded and then retreated back into his room; eager for tomorrow to come.
*
"Thanks for coming tonight, Nate." Blair greeted Nate as he stepped out of the elevator. She was sitting in her living room, very graciously on her white suede couch, where she had a pot of steaming tea and two cups set out for the both of them on the glass coffee table. Nate smiled and approached her, though he kept his distance from her. She gestured to the seat opposite her and Nate took it willingly.
"I heard about your...condition..." Nate began.
"Retrograde Amnesia. I can't remember a lot of things that happened." She replied and Nate simply nodded.
"The thing is; things may have changed...a lot...since two years ago; apparently I'm engaged and you and I have broken up three times..." she laughed half-heartedly, though she really felt like crying. Nate cringed and looked away.
"...but at the moment...I still feel like...I mean...I don't understand..." she struggled as her throat became thick and she found it hard to swallow. Nate looked up at her and into her eyes which were swimming in tears.
"I want to know why we broke up." She stated. How many times had he dreamed that in some alternate universe Blair and Chuck's love would disintegrate, leaving the door open for him and her to resume their relationship? He had never imagined things would turn out in exactly his favour. Here Blair was, with little to no recollection of ever loving Chuck or being with him; and here she was declaring him to explain the reason behind their break up. It seemed almost too easy – with a few words, Nate could win Blair back and they could be happy and in love. He would never cheat on her or hurt her ever again – he'd learnt his lesson. In a few months, they could be engaged to be married, and then Nate could be the one ordering Chuck to stay away from Blair, to leave his engagement party. It was a dream. A dream that felt very distant yet at the same time was merely within arm's reach. What if, after a few months, Blair started recalling events of the past two years? What if she remembered all the reasons why they broke up and all the reasons why she fell in love with Chuck? She'd hate Nate even more than before if she'd find out he lied to her today. Was he noble, or was he a coward? Was it going to be Blair's heart, or Chuck's friendship? He didn't have enough time to debate the topic further, so he finally replied.
"I cheated on you with Serena the first time." He said rather bluntly, and was appalled at how harsh he sounded. Blair didn't deserve that.
"I was in love with her." He added as Blair hiccoughed in distress.
"The second time, you cheated on me with Chuck." He added and Blair looked down. Serena had told Blair that she had broken up with Nate the night she hooked up with Chuck Bass in the back of a limo. How classy; Blair thought at first; and Chuck-like for it to be in a limo. And then she nearly burst out crying when she found out that it had been Chuck she'd lost her virginity to and not Nate.
"The third time..." he started, but struggled to finish. He was still unclear of the reason behind the last break up. She had fallen out of love, or grown up, or something along the lines of that, was the only explanation she gave him. Would he tell her this? Or would he tell her his truth, that he didn't exactly understand; potentially leaving the door open for their relationship to start up again...
He closed his eyes and thought deeply again – Blair or Chuck? He loved both of them; would he deprive them of their own happiness so he could have his? What kind of an asshole puts his own happiness in front of his best friend's? He sighed and continued.
"We broke up at prom...when you finally decided that you would stop running away, and fight for Chuck once and for all." He admitted and felt as if his heart had just been ripped out of his chest. Why did being noble feel so shit?
"Fight for Chuck?" Blair croaked, choking back the tears. Nate nodded slowly.
"You spent our whole senior year chasing after him; and him after you. Neither of you wanted to admit you loved each other; but then when Bart died, you set aside the game and were there for Chuck, and you finally told him you loved him, that day. You were really good for him." Nate began as Blair perked up to listen more intently. Serena hadn't told her this part yet.
"But...he hurt you...again and again. You tried to be strong...but then when you got rejected from Yale...you kind of went down a path of destruction," he continued, and it pained him to go back down that lane – the day of he's party that his Grandfather was throwing in Nate's honour. He remembered how torn Blair had been; and the conversation they had in that big empty room in the mansion; and then how he spent that night at her place because she asked him to...
"That was when you and I got together, for the third time." Blair was very silent throughout the whole recollection. It sounded like an episode of out a teen drama, instead of her own life being retold to her.
"I think we could have been ok; it's just you were in love with Chuck; and I was your rebound." He finally added, and felt lower than ever. He put his head into his hands in defeat. Why he was making Chuck out to be the hero was completely beyond him, Chuck had only time and time again instilled more pain on Blair. But suddenly, as if it were straight out of one of his dreams, he felt a soft hand comforting him on his shoulder.
"Are you alright, Nate?" Blair asked softly, as she took a seat beside him. He was startled by her sudden appearance right next to him – his heart was hammering against his chest, not only in reaction to the fright, but in reaction to her proximity. The smell of her perfume lingered in his nostrils – she smelt so sweet.
"It's just...that break up hurt me..." he added, not quite sure why he was saying this – perhaps it was a side effect of the intoxication of her perfume, which was now overwhelming? Blair moved her other free hand to the side of Nate's face, and began caressing his stubbly cheek. Her eyes glistened with desire as she pulled his face and kissed him slowly on the mouth. Every cell in his body became very alert and all his senses became twice as sharp. The texture of her perfect, round lips moving in synch with his; the strawberry taste of her chapstick; the scent of her pomegranate and palm milk shampoo – the rest of the world seemed to pass by in a blur. The things that were happening to his body the moment his lips touched hers were indescribable – he felt as though he were dreaming, but at the same time, he was totally aware of everything, especially Blair. Though the tiny bit at the back of his brain that maintained sanity kept shouting questions at him – What the HELL are you doing, man? You selfish, stupid, asshole! What about Chuck? What about Blair, when she remembers? What about their engagement?! Pull away right now, if you want to keep at least some of your integrity. And then, what tiny part of control that bit of the brain had, had the ability to make him pull away. He was careful, and he felt like it might kill him; but then remembered that if would be even worse for him in the long-run if he continued, and got over it.
"W-what?" Blair cried in confusion; her eyebrows shaped in an adorable frown. Nate looked her squarely in the eyes; intensifying the moment, and then proceeded with his speech.
"Blair; you and I broke up half a year ago for the last time. You may not understand now, but you will soon, when you get your memory back." Blair looked up at him, unspeaking, and listening intently, "I don't want to give Chuck another reason to hate me; and I don't want to make this any harder for you. The most we can ever be now is friends." Nate, surprised at how true his words were and how convincing he made them sound, concluded.
"B-but I don't..."
"You will see." Nate interrupted, holding Blair's face in his hands. He kissed her on the forehead one last time and then got up to leave.
