CHAPTER 9
Mateo and Arizona stayed in the hospital for two weeks. They both got stronger and to make time pass faster, Arizona even did some case assessments from her hospital bed to keep her busy while waiting to be given the okay to go home with her family.
On a Wednesday afternoon Callie and Sofia picked them up and brought them home. Stepping into the living room at The Mazatlán, Arizona took a deep breath. The place smelled like Callie and Sofia. It smelled like home. And she had missed it.
Callie held Mateo, and Arizona had Sofia's hand in hers. Sofia was anxious to show Arizona a large banner she had made that said 'WELCOME HOME MOMMY AND MATEO'. The banner was hanging across the living room, and Callie had made sure to make the place look a bit more welcoming than when they brought Sofia home from the hospital.
"Sit down and relax" she told Arizona.
"Yes, relax with Sofia" the little girl said.
Arizona smiled. She was supposed to take it easy for a few more weeks, and she was looking forward to spending time with both her wife and her children.
She sat down on the couch with Sofia who immediately started babbling about what she had been doing while her mother was in the hospital.
Arizona leaned her head back on the couch and simply enjoyed listening to her daughter as Callie cooed at the baby in the kitchen while getting dinner ready.
They ate and after they put Sofia to bed they sat in silence in the living room for a little while with Mateo sleeping on Callie's chest.
"How do you feel?" Callie asked.
"Tired. But happy" Arizona said and smiled at her wife. She looked at Mateo and breathed out "Now we have two"
"Yes. Now we have two" Callie whispered.
Half an hour later they put Mateo down in his crib next to their bed. Callie helped Arizona find pajamas. As the brunette undressed in front of Arizona, the blonde suddenly felt uncomfortable. She needed some privacy to change her clothes. She needed to not be naked in front of Callie.
She gave Callie a small smile and then took the pajamas with her into the bathroom.
Callie heard Arizona lock the door, and along with Arizona's sudden mood change, it gave her a weird feeling. She decided to shake it though and enjoy finally having everybody under one roof.
When Arizona came back out, Callie did her very best to make the blonde feel as comfortable as possible.
"Do you want me to massage your back?"
"Uh...no, I'm okay" the blonde said without making eye contact. She didn't want to cry in front of Callie now, and she didn't want to tell Callie that she thought the scar running across her stomach was hideous. One of the surgeons had told her that it would barely be noticable after a while, but having just seen it in the bathroom mirror, made her doubt that it would ever be anything but an ugly physical testimony that she couldn't deliver her second child the way nature intended.
She closed her eyes and cringed internally. And right then she started worrying about when Callie was going to want to have sex again.
It was a worry that broke her in two. On one side she missed Callie's touch and lovemaking so much her skin was aching, but on the other hand she felt disconnected from her own body and from the image she thought Callie had of it.
She fell asleep fast and from that night things changed.
The post natal check came and went eight weeks after the birth. Arizona didn't tell Callie about it, and Callie didn't ask. She sensed that Arizona needed time.
And even though Callie was dying for physical contact, She didn't want to pressure the blonde.
It felt strange to her though, that she didn't feel like it was something they could talk about. They had always been verbal about sex. But something felt off, leaving a wedge between them. A wedge that didn't stop their love for each other or their children, but that made physical intimacy between them something foreign. A subject that hung over their heads without them being able to communicate about it.
Callie hated it. She tried broaching the subject a couple of times, and repeatedly respectfully approached Arizona with physical attention that would have lead to sex in the past. But Arizona always pulled away, saying she was too tired or not in the mood. It broke Callie's heart. Not because of the lack of sex but because she felt like the special bond they had always had, was disolving. Fast.
And then it happened. Four months after the birth of Mateo, Arizona lost a patient that was very special to her.
She fell to her knees in the OR. Devastated. A 12 year old boy who had been her patient since she started her short gut syndrome project had just died in her OR.
She started sobbing uncontrolably, her whole body shaking as she rested her hands on the cold floor.
A colleague kneeled next to her and held her until she was no longer crying.
She took a taxi to the hotel and when she walked into the apartment and saw Callie on the couch, reading to Sofia while holding a comforting hand on Mateo's stomach, she couldn't hold it together any longer. Callie - seeing how pale and broken Arizona looked - immediately got up and took Mateo to bed and Sofia to the bathroom for her bath. As the girl entertained herself with some rubber ducks, Callie went back into the living room.
Arizona was still standing by the door.
"Wallace died" the blonde cried.
"Baby..."
Callie quickly walked over to her wife.
"He was fine. And then it all happened so fast. I...I couldn't...I couldn't save him. I was supposed to save him, but I couldn't...Oh God..." The blonde buried her face in her hands.
Callie held her tight but Arizona felt no solace.
The loss of Wallace made Arizona dive deeper into her research, going over and over what went wrong with her young patient. She knew in her heart that she wasn't at fault. She knew that she couldn't have saved him because he was simply too ill, but the fact that her connection to Callie was hanging by a thread, both of them busy with work and kids, Arizona still insecure about her body, and them not actually talking, communicating, clouded her mind and she was at a loss about what to do professionally as well as privately. She needed a break.
And instead of making Callie part of the break, she went to Nebraska with the kids and stayed with her parents for two weeks. Callie let her go. The brunette wasn't asked to come, and she didn't ask herself. They were now officially sharing a bedroom that had not been used for anything but sleeping and caring for crying children for the past 5 months.
Callie sat in the dark living room and looked out at Manhattan.
Arizona sat in her bedroom in Nebraska looking out over a field.
They were so far apart, and for the first time in all their time together, they didn't speak on the phone either. Only for a few seconds each night when Sofia wanted to say goodnight. It was heartbreaking.
