MIXED FEELINGS.
"How are you?"
I looked up at my brother and shrugged. "Alright, I guess," I replied. "I'm managing. What about you?"
"I'm alright." He skipped another rock across the Blake Lake. I sighed, watching him from a few yards feet away, comfortable underneath the shade of the large tree I was sitting under.
"I heard them talking about me," I sighed, pulling my knees up to my chest.
"Who?"
"Dumbledore. McGonagall. Snape. Lupin," I continued. "They all think I'm a crackpot, you know. Am I a crackpot, Harry?"
"I don't think you are," he replied, turning towards me before picking up another flat stone and throwing it out across the water. "What did they say?"
"That I was depressed and they're going to watch me and keep a close eye on me to make sure I don't hurt myself," I said angrily. "Dumbledore thinks I've kept my emotions bottled up for too long, but I disagree."
"I don't," Harry stated plainly. "I think he's right, actually. I think ever since Lupin's come along into your life, he's brought your guard down. I just don't think you're used to feeling this way about anyone, including me, so you don't know what to do about it."
"I'm sorry, Harry."
Three skips on the water. "For what?"
"For not telling you that I care about you enough," I replied. "You and I need to stick together these days. That's another thing Dumbledore said. He didn't want to separate us."
"I think he's right," he said again. "If we were to be separated, I think Voldemort would know and he's try to attack then. But if we're together, under Dumbledore's watch, I think we'll be safer. It pisses me off, though. He hasn't spoken to me at all – not even at the trial."
"Maybe he's just busy," I suggested. "Umbridge is –"
"Not as important as us right now. Voldemort is back, Darcy. We're at risk yet again."
"When aren't we at risk, Harry?" I asked. "Don't you ever get used to it?"
Harry turned to me. "You should know, Darcy," he began quietly. "That I am not nearly as strong as you."
"Harry, you're an excellent wizard –"
"No, no," he said. "I meant mentally. Mentally, you are much stronger than I am."
"Harry, I'm not as strong as you think," I told him and he stopped skipping rocks and walked over to me. "I'm scared. I'm terrified. I just never wanted you to know."
I sniffed and looked at my brother with trembling lips. He put his arm around me and I cried into his shoulder as he breathed in and out deeply and calmly. "I know this might not mean a lot to you, but I'm always here, Darcy," Harry whispered. "I'll always be here."
"Why wouldn't that mean a lot to me?" I asked quietly, wiping my eyes.
"I – I – sometimes you just don't make it clear that –"
"I'm sorry, Harry," I breathed, crying again. "I do love you and I care about you and you're the most important person to me."
"Before Lupin?"
"Harry, I'm serious. He means a lot to me, but you're my brother. And we've got to stick together. We have Sirius and each other. That's not a lot of family." I kissed his head and looked up. A single light in someone's room was on and then it turned off when I looked. It was the room across from mine and I sighed.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"I don't know why we have to do hall duty," I groaned to Lupin, who was walking beside me. "No one is out at this time of night. No one wants to serve detention with Umbridge."
Lupin grinned. "Darcy?"
I hummed a response.
"What's your favorite food?"
"I'm sorry?" I looked at him with my eyebrows raised, but a smile on my face. "My favorite food?" He nodded and I laughed. "I suppose I like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches the most."
"Really?" he said and he laughed. "Peanut butter and jelly? Is that really it?" I nodded and blushed. "Alright… well, what kind of jelly do you like?"
"Grape, of course."
"Peanut butter and grape jelly," he chuckled softly. "Right. And when was the last time you had one of those? They certainly don't serve them at the feasts!"
"Well, they should!" I joked and we laughed quietly. "I had one at the beginning of the summer. It was strawberry jam, though – that's all Aunt Petunia had – but I enjoyed it, nonetheless."
Lupin was smiling at me. "So you're telling me that if you could eat anything in the world right now, you'd have a peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich?"
"That's exactly what I'm telling you. Don't you believe me?"
"I believe you, I just find it odd. I can't remember the last time I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
I smiled at we approached my door. "Well, hall duty was fun again," I grinned. "Really exciting tonight, wasn't it?"
"It always is."
I smiled weakly and opened my door. "Well, goodnight, Remus."
"W – wait, Darcy!" he said it loudly and I turned to face him, cocking an eyebrow. "Um, I was – I was wondering if you'd want to have lunch with me tomorrow."
"We have lunch everyday together, Remus."
"No, no, I mean," he sighed. "Tomorrow out by the lake. We could have lunch and just – just talk. I miss you – I miss hanging out with you."
I miss you too. I miss being with you. I nodded and shrugged. "Yeah, maybe."
"There will be peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."
"Are you bribing me?" I laughed. "In that case, of course I'll go!"
Lupin was beaming and I leaned against the doorframe. Suddenly, his smile faded. "I miss you, Darcy."
I licked my lips and swallowed. "Are you – are you trying to cheer me up or something?" I asked nervously. "Are you trying to make me feel happy?"
"No," he replied. "Well, kind of… I mean… I'm trying to get you to forgive me."
"Oh."
"Is it working?" he asked.
I breathed in and looked away, laughing. "A little, I suppose."
When I looked up, I realized that Lupin was quite close to me and I raised my eyebrows. He smiled and wrapped his arms around me and I snaked my arms around his waist. He looked down at me and then, his lips were on mine.
I pulled away quickly and backed into my room. "I can't. You can't."
"But –"
"I love you," I said sadly. "But I can't be the other woman. I can't – you can't hurt Tonks like that."
"I know… oh, I'm sorry, Darcy."
"It's okay."
"Are you sure?"
"Well, it wasn't like I wasn't enjoying it…" I breathed in and pursed my lips together. "I know what you think about me. I heard Dumbledore talking to the three of you."
"Darcy," he walked into my quarters and shut the door behind him. "Don't think that I'm doing this because of what Dumbledore said. I want to do this because of – because I –" His voice trailed off and I frowned.
"You don't think I'm crazy, do you?" I asked him and he shook his head.
"I just think you're scared is all."
I nodded. "I'm very scared."
He walked up to me and took my hands in his. He led me over to the couch, lit up a fire, and sat me down, taking my hands again as tears brimmed in my eyes. He saw my watery eyes and pulled my body into his own. I buried my face in his chest and Lupin held me tightly. "Why didn't you say something? If you heard everything?"
"I don't know," I whispered. "I didn't want you to be worried about me."
"Oh, Darcy," he sighed. "I'm always worried about you."
"It's not you," I breathed and Lupin hummed. "Snape said it was you, but it's not."
"I'm quite relieved to hear that."
I sniffed. Lupin ran his fingers through my hair and then pressed his lips to the top of my head. "Remus?" I said very quietly and he didn't say anything. "I'm stronger than all of this."
"I know you are," he replied softly.
"I had a plan," I whimpered. I felt more tears fall down my cheeks. "I had a plan my final year. And finding love wasn't part of the plan."
It was silent. He continued to stroke my hair as he stared directly into the fire.
"I was going to become an Auror. I was going to catch Dark Wizards for the rest of my life and I was ready to die doing it," I let out a sob. "And now, now – oh, I'm never going to be able to do that. I'm not – I just planned my future differently. I had a set plan and when you came along, you changed everything. You didn't ruin my life, I assure you, but you definitely changed it."
He still didn't say anything.
"You're my best friend."
I looked up at him, expecting a reply, but instead, he leaned in closer and kissed me again, gentler and softer than before. I kissed him back and he pulled away. I felt guilty. I rested my head on his chest again.
"Thank you." I hesitated. "Please say something."
He kissed my forehead and breathed in deeply. "Darcy, I'm not just with your right now to keep a close eye on you like Dumbledore told me to. I'm here because – because –"
I blinked and looked up at him, more tears falling.
"Do you understand why we can't be together?"
"Because you love someone else."
"Yes."
"But," I sighed, trying not to cry again. "If you really loved me in the first place, you wouldn't love her too."
"Darcy –"
"Just stay here with me tonight. Please."
He looked down at me. "Yeah. Alright."
I breathed in awkwardly and inconsistently. I listened to his heartbeat. I memorized his breathing. I swallowed loudly. "Remus?"
"Yes, Darcy?"
"I need to ask you something."
"Okay."
"Why are you really here?" I asked and he frowned, looking down at me. "I know you're not here because you love me. You have Tonks. Is it because you really do think I'm crazy?"
"Listen, Voldemort is back?" he said after a long pause. I nodded. "And he's coming after you, right?" he said again and I nodded again.
"You don't think I can beat him, do you? You don't think I'll be able to fight against him?" I inquired, my lips trembling. I sat up. "You think he's going to kill me?"
"I never said that!" Lupin protested. "Would you listen to me? You never let me finish what I want to say. You always take my words and twist them around like I'm the bad guy."
"Sometimes you can be the bad guy," I told him, looking away. "Why are you here?"
"Because," he replied. "If there's a war – it feels like there will be – and you and I are separated from each other…" He took in a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. I stared at him and licked my lips. "I want to spend as much time as I can with you because if I lose you…" His voice trailed off.
"You won't lose me," I said quietly. "I'll always be here."
We looked at each other for a minute or so and he sighed and looked away.
I cleared my throat, but still spoke in rasps. "Kiss me."
"I thought you said it wasn't fair to Tonks." He smirked and raised an eyebrow.
"Do you want to kiss me?" I asked and I smiled.
Lupin shook his head, laughing. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."
I sat up on my knees and he watched me with a small smile on his face. "Then try kissing me again."
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Aren't I always?" I grinned and he breathed in and kissed me again.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
When I woke up, I was in my own bed. I supposed I had fallen asleep on the couch and he had carried me there. I stuck a hand out, reaching for Lupin, but he wasn't beside me. I sat up immediately and found him sound asleep in a chair beside my bed. I smiled and then propped myself up on my elbow, smiling at him as he slept.
His long legs were stretched out and his hands were folded in his lap. His head was tilted to the side and he breathed in deeply. I pulled my blankets up higher and his eyes fluttered open slowly. He looked at me.
"Did you have a nice sleep, love?" he asked quietly.
"I did," I replied. "You must be uncomfortable."
"Yeah, well, it's alright," he said.
"Why didn't you sleep with me, then?"
"Why so bold?" he smirked.
I shrugged. "I just thought you'd be more comfortable."
"Well, to answer your question, Darcy," he answered, sitting up straight. "I thought I'd be crossing the line. I thought there were boundaries and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."
"It's just sleeping," I whispered.
He laughed to himself, still looking at me. "It's just sleeping," he repeated. "Tonks is probably furious that I'm not with her. Or concerned."
"Are you going to leave?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Not particularly," I said, sitting up. "If it were up to me, I'd never want you to leave, but I suppose it's up to you. And you can't stay here forever."
"Says who?" he asked.
I was silent and I grinned. "You have to go back eventually. You know that."
"If I could stay here forever, though, I would."
"I'm flattered."
"I should go now, though."
I frowned. "Oh," I said and I nodded, looking away and laying back down. "Then go."
Lupin stood up. "Come on, Darcy. Don't be like this."
"Be like what?"
"You know what I'm talking about, Darcy."
"What would you do if I sent in a letter to the Ministry?" I asked him suddenly. "About being an Auror."
His forehead creased and he licked his lips. "Did you?"
"Not yet."
"What's stopping you, then? Why didn't you just send it? Are you asking me permission?"
"I'm simply asking your opinion!" I raised my voice. "I didn't ask for you to get so angry about it! The least you could do is encourage me!"
"Encourage you? You could die!"
"I'm at risk of dying every single day. What difference does it make?" I sighed and buried my face in my pillow. With a muffled voice, I called out, "I don't think I'm hungry for lunch today."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Our dad's looked into it," Fred told me as I showed him the papers. George was on the other side of me, nodding in agreement with his brother. "It's almost impossible. You've got to give them a good reason."
"Why is it so difficult?" I moaned. "Don't they want me? Wouldn't they want someone who could actually kill Voldemort?"
"Dad says it's Lucius Malfoy," George continued. "Persuading the Minister for Magic that You-Know-Who isn't really back and you're just delirious and playing along with your brother and Dumbledore. You know, Fudge is convinced that Malfoy's switched sides! That he's really still with the Ministry."
"That's a lie. I'll never be able to get anywhere in life with Lucius Malfoy playing against me," I folded the papers back up and put them in my pocket. "It's just not fair!"
"Don't worry, Darcy. You're not the only one he's playing against," Fred said.
"He's right. Mr. Malfoy's playing against dad too," George replied. "They aren't known to get along well at all, actually."
"He's a git," I sighed and leaned back, rubbing my eyes. "Lucius Malfoy only proves that with Fudge in control of the Ministry, money buys both power and happiness."
"Well, there's a new goal," Fred grinned. "Darcy Potter succeeds Cornelius Fudge as Minister for Magic. Lucius Malfoy sacked. Sounds good, doesn't it?"
"Or you could keep Malfoy as your slave," George cackled. "Who knows, Darcy… you could have a lot of money coming your way…"
"I would never in a million years become Minister for Magic," I laughed. "No, absolutely not."
"Why not?" Fred asked.
"Do you see all the shit that Fudge gets?"
"But you'd be better than Fudge!" George raised his eyebrows. "Much better than Fudge."
"George," I laughed. "Fred. I can barely hold myself together. I couldn't even hold together the Ministry itself, nevermind the United Kingdom."
