A Wistful Love
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. They all belong to Tamora Pierce.
Chapter 9
Escape
Kel walked numbly to the healers. The icy coldness that resided in her chest seemed to expand with every step, leaving no warmth behind. Dom's words had struck fatally deep. It didn't matter that he had taken them back. Simply, what had been said couldn't be unsaid. What really hurt the most was the kernel of truth in them. Though Kel herself knew in her mind that she loved Dom, it was also apparent that he thought she was loveless, or more importantly, lacked the ability to love. To think that he truly believed that in his heart, despite his protests, made her cold to the very core. He thought she lacked a very human emotion. What did that make her in his eyes then? Less than human, incapable of the simplest feeling?
Kel knew that it shouldn't have mattered. She should've been able to wave his verbal misstep aside, but the thought that kept on clinging to her mind was that Dom could never love what he thought was an empty shell, knowing that he'd never receive that love in return. This realization changed everything. Even though she'd already accepted his love for another, her head seemed to forget her heart's vow. His words had made the struggle to hold herself together fruitless. She'd been keeping her unwanted feelings to herself in order to keep from burdening Dom. She'd wanted to spare him the embarrassment and the inevitable feelings of pity. She'd wanted to spare herself. But her entire effort had been for naught. It meant nothing. But there were no tears this time, just an icy emptiness that permeated her frozen heart. Kel did know one thing though. She had to get away. She couldn't stay here any longer. Her mask was broken and she was tired. Tired of holding back. Tired of smiling when there was no light in her heart. Tired of hiding behind false walls of contentment.
Instead of continuing to the healers, Kel walked to her rooms. But she didn't rush. Her steps were measured and calm. After all, she didn't want to alarm anyone. There was no sudden panic, just an unruffled sense of purpose. To leave.
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Dom stared after her. A rising sense of helplessness began to beat a steady tempo against his already frustrated heart. He had just driven away Kel. And instead of using his chance run-in with her as a way to bridge the ever-widening gap between them, he'd burned the last of their ties with his thoughtless words. There was nothing left of their relationship, only ashes of what had been. His only hope was to let her go for the moment. Dom knew that his only chance at redemption would be after she'd had a chance to let the hurt fade. Only time could do that. But despite knowing this, Dom felt a very real pain. It was the pain of knowing he'd hurt her, deeply. He'd thought he couldn't be more miserable than the last two weeks, but he'd been so very wrong. This kind of pain far outweighed the misery that had haunted him previously. And this kind of pain, the burden of another's, brought him to his knees.
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Kel packed quickly and efficiently. The task was mindless. She'd lost count the number of times she'd had to ride out in the dead of night, her mind bleary with sleep. It was simply one of the many faces of knighthood in all its infamous glory. But this was no ordinary trip. It was an escape, an escape from pain, and people, and the pretense of just being herself. Kel knew that if she didn't leave, she'd shatter, like so much fragile glass. She also knew that once she shattered, the pieces of her heart that made up what Kel was would be too small to repair. She'd be forever broken, like one of the countless porcelain dolls that were carelessly thrown aside.
Tunics, breeches, and an extra pair of boots were thrown into her bags. Ointment, her hair brush, and other small toiletries were slipped into some of the many pockets in her saddlebags. Her sword, Griffin, was strapped to her waist and her glaive was sheathed and carried. Small pieces of jerked meat and packets of herbs that would serve as ready made soup over a fire were also packed. Flint, her sword cleaning kit, and the small lead-filled balls she's used to strengthen her hands went into the bags as well. Finished, Kel took a step back and scanned the room one last time. She didn't know when she'd be back so she took it all in, memorizing the contours of what had become her home. Then, without another pause she quietly left, closing the door behind her softly.
Her walk through the maze of halls passed in a blur and all too soon Kel found herself in the stables. Her gaze wandered over her beloved warhorse, Peachblossom. She'd have to leave him behind. He was as exhausted as she was from the hard paces she'd put him through earlier in the day and he hadn't yet recovered his strength. It would be cruel to ask him to give her more, especially since he was no longer young. Kel knew that he'd be well cared for by Stefan and so turned her worries aside.
Walking over to Hoshi, her sweet mare, Kel let herself into the horse's stall. Hoshi immediately greeted her with a soft huff of breath and a friendly butting of her head. Fondly, Kel rubbed her poll before hefting both the blanket and heavy saddle onto her back. After making sure it was cinched comfortably tight, she gripped the reins and led the mare out of her roomy stall and to Peachblossom's stall door. Holding out her hand, Kel said her last goodbyes to an old friend. Peachblossom seemed to sense her sadness for his difficult nature was nowhere in sight. After a silent moment, Kel mounted Hoshi and turned her out towards the road. And without looking back, Kel left her pain behind, choosing instead to seek peace away from well-meaning friends.
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Dom stared at the small pewter figurine of a dragon that sat on his desk. It had been a gift from Kel several Midwinters back. At the time, she'd told him that the dragon would bring him luck and good fortune, or so the lady she'd bought it from had said. The small, but beautiful smile on her face while she'd told him had meant more to him then the intricately carved figure ever could. But now, all that was left of their steadfast friendship was the small dragon. So Dom stared at it, hoping that the good fortune he so desperately needed at the moment would make itself known.
His morose mood was interrupted by a wild pounding at his door. Impatient with whoever could be bothering him, Dom swung the heavy wooden slab open with such force that the person left knocking almost stumbled forward. A wild-eyed Neal greeted him. His cousin's hair stuck up in tufts and there was a panicked look on his face. Immediately concerned, Dom stepped forward.
"What's wrong? Is it Yuki? Did something happen to the baby?"
Neal, still gasping for breath, only shook his head before answering. "No! Nothing like that! Yuki's fine. Dom, it's Kel, She—"
But Neal didn't get to finish. At the words that something had happened to Kel, Dom was off and running to her rooms, desperate to see what had happened. Was she hurt? And how badly? Had she been fatally injured? An endless barrage of potential situations flew through his mind as his pounding feet brought him closer to her quarters. When he finally arrived, he realized that Neal had caught up with him and was even then trying to stop him. Desperate to see her, Dom flung open her door and was greeted with an empty room. Everything was neat and tidy, but there was no Kel. Assuming that she was at the healer's, Dom turned to leave, only to be blocked by Neal. Angry now that his cousin would dare try and block him from the woman he loved, Dom tried to push past, only to be thrown back by Neal's surprising strength.
"Just stop for a second, Dom! Listen to me! Kel isn't hurt! Do you understand? She hasn't been injured!"
All the air seemed to leave Dom's lungs at Neal's assurance. The rising panic that had driven him to find her dissipated, leaving him feeling dizzy and confused. Anger remained.
"What do mean? I thought you said something had happened to Kel. Why did let me believe she was hurt if you knew it wasn't true!"
Neal shook his head. "I never said she'd been hurt, you just assumed that after I said her name."
"Then what's wrong? Why did you come pounding on my door if nothing's wrong?"
Neal glanced away before meeting Dom's gaze. "I didn't say that either. I only said that she wasn't hurt."
"Mithros, Neal! Give me a straight answer!"
After letting out a gust of breath, Neal turned his green-eyed gaze to Dom's. "All right, I will. But promise me you'll hear me out before interrupting me."
"I'm not promising anything!"
It was then that Dom noticed the sadness and pain in Neal's eyes. His heart pounding, Dom waited for Neal's explanation. "Kel's missing, Dom—"
"Missing!" When Dom's exclamation was met by Neal's level stare, he quieted.
Neal began to speak again. "When she didn't get any breakfast, then lunch, I wanted to check and see that she was all right so I knocked on her door. When no one answered, I asked around, but no one had seen her at all today. I decided to check the stables, thinking that maybe she went out for a ride, but didn't tell anyone. I found Hoshi's stall empty so I thought all was well, but Stefan saw me looking and stopped me. He's usually a very even-tempered man, but he seemed really worried. He told me that Peachblossom had told him that Kel had left, and not for a leisurely ride. He said that she'd taken heavy saddlebags packed for a long trip and that she'd had her glaive and sword with her."
Dom felt the blood drain out of his face at Neal's words. "What do mean packed for a long trip? That doesn't make any sense."
Neal closed his eyes briefly before continuing. "That's not all. She left a note and several wrapped packages behind. They're on the desk behind you. I read the note. That's how I knew what Stefan had said was true. Look around. She's taken most of her things. Her clothes and weapons are gone."
Dom spun around and walked quickly over to the desk where a single sheet of parchment lay. The flowing script on the page was indeed Kel's writing. Dom had learned to recognize it over the years. Slowly, he sank down into the single wooden chair to read her words.
My Friends,
If you've found this note then you've discovered that I have indeed left the palace. Please don't worry. I haven't been myself lately and I'm sure most of you noticed. I finally came to a decision last night that I had to leave. It was at no fault of you, my beloved friends, but something that I had to do. I hope you'll understand that I need this time alone, to myself. Please don't search me out or try to follow my footsteps. It will only make this harder. I've been stuck at the palace for far too long and I miss seeing the countryside.
I don't know how long my journey will last. It could be days or weeks or months. Please know this, if ever the kingdom of Tortall has need of me I will hear and bring myself home. This unexpected trip does not mean that I have neglected or forgotten my duty to the Crown. My vows as a knight of Tortall are still my guide through life.
I only ask a few things from you while I'm away. Please take care of Peachblossom, Jump and the sparrows. I know that my old warhorse can be difficult sometimes, but I'm sure Stefan can make sure he behaves himself if one of you can find the time to exercise him once in a while. He has earned the right to a little temper at his age! As for Jump, he loves all of you and I'm sure you will have no trouble feeding and caring for him. Last are the sparrows. They have grown accustomed to being fed each and every morning and I'm sure they'll continue to expect such grand service from us humans! I would appreciate it if you continued this tradition.
I also know that I'll most likely miss Midsummer celebrations and the tournament I had been preparing for, but don't think that I have forgotten my cherished friends. I have left a package and personal note for each of you. Consider it an early Midsummer's gift. Though I may not always show it, I consider each of you family and love you as the closest of friends.
Your Friend, Kel
Dom finished reading the note feeling curiously numb. Though she would never say it, Dom knew that the reason Kel had left was because of him. He'd been thoughtlessly cruel to her, and driven her away from her friends and her home. His hands, which he'd unconsciously clenched into fists while reading, were carefully relaxed. After another moment of silence, He stood, leaving the note where it lay. The others needed to read it too.
Neal had stood silently by while he'd waited fro Dom to finish. Now he spoke. "Wait, Dom. She left you a package too."
Neal walked past him to pick up the neatly wrapped parcel with Dom's name printed neatly on the outside. Turning, he handed the heavy rectangular-shaped package to his cousin. "Here. Take it."
Dom grabbed the package blindly before escaping to his room. After closing the door behind him, Dom seated himself at his own desk and set Kel's gift in front of him. He wasn't deserving of it. The guilt he'd felt when he'd first spouted those hateful words was compounded by Kel's generous and giving nature. It didn't matter that he'd been the one to drive her away. Instead of telling everyone why she'd really left, Kel had made some vague excuse about needing to get away from the stuffy palace. And on top of that, she'd still deigned to give him a gift.
Deciding that he shouldn't prolong his curiosity any longer, Dom untied the twine that held the paper over the box. With careful fingers, he smoothed away the paper, revealing an intricately carved wooden box. The swirling designs so painstakingly engraved into the polished wood formed countless intertwining dragons. The significance of it didn't escape Dom.
The small gold latch that held the box closed glinted up at him in the afternoon light. Dom hesitantly undid the fastener with trembling fingers, and then lifted the lid. He hadn't realized he'd been holding his breath until it whooshed between his lips at the sight of the elaborately designed knife that lay inside the box on a bed of velvet. It was about six inches long with a sapphire-studded silver handle. The blue-tinted blade shimmered in the light signifying the most precious of steels.
Dom gently hefted the knife from its velvet bed only to find a small folded piece of parchment underneath. Setting the knife down on his desk, Dom unfolded the note and quickly scanned Kel's small writing. Her message was very short:
Please accept this gift between friends. Do not let our last conversation worry you. I forgive you.
Always your friend, Kel
It was Kel's last words that broke him. I forgive you.
A/N: Hey guys! I updated! I know, it's a miracle! I think it's faster this time though not as fast as most of you would like. I'm trying to think positive and just say that I improved. It was only a month this time. ;) I hope you enjoyed the very long chapter! I started and finished it in one sitting. I don't know why I couldn't stop, but the words just flowed… Please Review! –Lupus17
