Susan woke up with a start, barely reining in her gasps. Her eyes groped the darkness of the bedroom frantically, and her disturbed mind made out monstrous shapes and shadows looming over her. Did something appear to be moving over there, near the armoire? Was that a figure of some night-crawler crouched out on the windowsill?
Susan hysterically swiped the air before her, as if to make sure no being, living or otherwise, was hovering over her. Slowly, she wrapped her fingers around the heavy iron candelabra sitting idly on the bedside table and tested its weight in her hands. Heavy enough, she judged. Her feet barely made any sound as she padded noiselessly across the chamber towards the wardrobe.
The candelabra prodded empty air where she could've sworn she saw a shadow move. The hairs on her neck rose and she swung around, her weapon once again finding nothing to attack.
The window.
She strode over towards that particular window, becoming convinced that something was waiting for her outside. As expected, the stunning view of Caspian's gardens and nothing sinister greeted her.
Susan expelled an exhausted breath. I'm going mad, she thought. I'm going completely and utterly mad. The nightmare had shaken her. It's been ages since she last dreamt of that night, of James. Perhaps her unease at the sudden change in her life, being yanked back into Narnia when she was perfectly certain she would never return, had unearthed those memories she locked away in the deepest parts of her mind. That was where she locked memories of Caspian and of Narnia, and now that those recollections were pushed up to the surface, it seemed that other darker memories were following suit.
'Su?'
Susan whirled around at the small voice and found Lucy watching her like a startled fawn. Lucy had insisted they sleep together after their distressing conversation last night and no doubt Susan's prowling around the room had roused her. Lucy had always been a light sleeper; the merest sounds and movements could wake her up. Now, her wide eyes followed the line of her arm to the candelabra that Susan was gripping defensively.
'What time is it?' Lucy hesitantly asked.
Recovering, Susan placed her weapon on the nearest table, gritting her teeth when her fingers brushed against the silky lily petals, proof of Caspian's affection. 'It's…not dawn yet,' she answered. Her voice sounded odd to her own ears and she smiled reassuringly to Lucy. 'I was just reading,' she explained. 'And I needed some light.' She gestured pathetically at the candleholder that held no stub of used candle or a hint of melted wax.
'Will you be reading some more?' Lucy asked her, noting the obvious lie but leaving it.
'No, I think-' Susan stretched and made a show of yawning. 'I think I'll sleep now.' She walked towards the bed and slid under the warm blankets. ''Night, Lu.'
''Night, Su.' Lucy turned on her side, facing away from Susan.
It was a while before Lucy's breathing deepened, for her to relax and nestle deeper into the covers. Susan, meanwhile, found herself tossing and turning restlessly and alternating between glaring at the darkness and burrowing under the covers in fear of those phantom shadows.
'Goodness,' she groaned, frustrated after countless foiled attempts to sleep. The windows were gradually painted golden by the rising sun, her first in Narnia since she arrived. Resigned, Susan sat up and quietly eased off the bed, determined to not wake Lucy, even though she wished for company. She hurriedly cleaned herself and grabbed a dress at random, along with a thick cloak. Slipping silently out of the chamber, she glanced down the endless hallway. The servants were undoubtedly up by now, already busy with their tasks for the day. There can be no way to sneak out of the castle without one of them noticing her, or at least a hooded and cloaked figure with the Queen's stature and poise. When Lucy wakes up, finds her gone and runs to her brothers, they might mount a search party for her. God knows, her siblings probably thought her unstable and likely to throw herself into the first body of water, never mind the fact that she'd been well…enough until they returned to Narnia.
Susan stepped cautiously into the royal stables. The horses tossed their mane and gently stamped their hooves, attempting to wake up the only present stable boy who was dozing on a pile of hay.
Susan hesitated, unsure of Narnian etiquette after being away for so long. 'Sir?' She nudged the boy's foot. 'Excuse me, sir?' she repeated loudly.
The boy grunted and turned his head, glaring up at the person who dared wake him. His young eyes widened in shock and embarrassment and his sun-tanned skin burned pink. 'Your Majesty?'
'Good morning,' she greeted him pleasantly. 'I'd like to go on a morning ride.'
'Yes,' he answered blankly. He frowned, as if wondering why the Queen of Old was looming over him. Slowly, he took in his own position, sprawled over the hay as he was and disrespectfully causing the Queen to bend slightly in order to talk to him. He scrambled to his feet, brushing hay off his tunic. 'Your Majesty! I'm sorry! I was up all night- one of the horses gave birth and I-'
'It's alright,' she stopped him gently. He was just a boy, about Lucy's age, and he looked absolutely petrified at her presence. 'What's your name?'
'My name, Your Majesty?'
'Yes. Your name.'
'It's…Tomas.'
'Thomas?'
'Tomaas,' he corrected her before remembering he was correcting a Queen of Narnia and she could very well call him whatever she wants. However, the Queen, delighted by his charm, laughed and repeated his name exactly as he pronounced it.
'Well, Tomaas,' she grinned at his contrite face. 'May I borrow a horse? I would like to go for a morning ride.'
'Where will you be going, Your Majesty?' Tomas bit his lip, belatedly realizing that he probably shouldn't have questioned the Queen. 'Beg your pardon, I shouldn't have-'
'No matter.' She smiled. 'I simply wished to do some exploring. It's been a while since I've been back,' she explained.
He nodded eagerly, ears almost flattened back in his enthusiasm. 'I know.'
'So…may I borrow a horse, please?' Susan prodded him when his wide eyed gaze never wavered.
Tomas appeared startled and then scrambled past Susan, almost knocking her over in his haste. 'You may borrow any and all of the horses in here, Your Majesty,' he said as he strode past the horses who eyed him with indifference. 'Here's Apollo,' he gestured at a magnificent purebred Arabian with lustrous chestnut coat. The horse whinnied softly, nudging his head against Tomas' outstretched hand. 'He's a good boy, smart but he's rather officious. He'll lead you where he wants to go.' Tomas produced an apple from his pocket and Knight snapped it up, chewing contentedly. Susan smiled, feeling oddly at home in the stables. 'And this one,' Tomas moved to the neighbouring stable, an apple already in his hand. 'This girl here is Hera.' Hera was a regal Andalusian horse whose white coat gleamed even in the dim light of the stable. At their approach, Hera tossed her pure snow mane. 'She likes to show-off,' Tomas informed Susan. His tone was coloured with disapproval but Susan saw the adoring smile the boy held for this magnificent creature. 'Here you go, princess,' he whispered softly, holding the apple up. Hera lowered her head and held the apple in her mouth.
She even eats gracefully, Susan noted with amusement.
'She's rather spoiled,' Tomas confided to Susan, eyes twinkling mischievously. 'The King loves her best, after his own mount of course, and she's got it in her head that she's a Queen.'
'She looks like a Queen,' Susan replied, ignoring Caspian's title in the conversation. 'In fact, she seems better at being Queen than I was.'
'Oh, no. She's not as beautiful as you are,' Tomas replied casually. The tips of his ears turned pink and he whirled around. 'What I meant was…she's a horse and you're…' He swallowed nervously.
'Human?'
'Yes! A very beautiful…human…woman.' He sighed and cast his eyes dejectedly to the ground. 'I'm sorry, Your Majesty. I'm not usually this…tactless.'
'It's alright, Tomas. It happens.' She walked past him and eyed the stallion in the next stall. Its coat was a gleaming brown; its mane ink black. Its eyes watched her with a strange intelligence as Susan approached the wooden door separating the horse from her. Tomas was saying something behind her, something about Hera, but Susan could only gaze deep into the horse's black eyes. Flashes of the cave, of Lucy clutching her cape, of Caspian fastening the saddle, Caspian gazing up at her with those beseeching brown eyes, Destrier has always served me well, Telmarines chasing her…
'What's his name?' she whispered.
'Your Majesty?'
'This beauty.' She reached a hand up and the horse bent its head gently, allowing Susan to stroke its head. Tears burned behind her eyes at the sudden surge of nostalgia, of a past she wished she never had, yet yearned to relive. 'What's his name?'
'Destrier.'
Susan froze and refused to turn around at that familiar voice. From the corner of her eyes, she saw Tomas turn and sink down on his knee in reverence.
'Your Majesty,' Tomas murmured. 'I apologise for not noticing your presence. I wasn't aware-'
'It's alright, Tomas. At ease.' Caspian walked into the stable and patted the boy's shoulder convivially. 'I simply wished to check up on the horses.' He paused, noting Susan's stiff posture and the hurried movements of her hands as she brushed her eyes.
'They're in excellent condition, Your Majesty. I have been experimenting with a particular mix of fodder for the horses, one my father often practiced back home. You can see the new gleam in their coats, Your Majesty, and I…' Checking himself, Tomas frowned and ceased his enthusiastic chatter. 'Apologies, Your Majesty. I was rambling.'
'Tomas, the horses appear in better condition than they have in years. You have every right to ramble about your achievement.' Tomas puffed his chest, proud at this precious royal compliment, and Caspian once more glanced at the silent Queen. 'Destrier seems to have especially benefitted from this new feed of yours. Wouldn't you agree, Queen Susan?'
Caught between a rock and a hard place. She could ignore him and choose another horse, but that would seem amiss and she didn't trust Tomas enough to know with absolute certainty that he wouldn't carry that piece of juicy gossip back to the castle. Ignoring Caspian during dinner was one thing. There were always other people to distract her, other stories to listen to, other jokes to laugh at. No one would think her behavior towards the King out of place. No one would even notice, save her eagle-eyed siblings. Here, there was only her and Caspian. And Tomas, of course. Susan would have to measure her words if she did not wish to create a scandal and inspire hushed whispers about her relationship with the King.
'I'm afraid I can't comment on Destrier's improvement, Your Majesty,' she demurred, keeping her eyes on the magnificent creature so as to avoid Caspian's intense gaze. 'I haven't a clue about his previous condition.'
'But you've ridden him before,' Caspian pressed, desperation coloring his voice. 'He took you away from Aslan's How, during the battle, when you went to search for Aslan. Remember?' His brown eyes were wide and pleaded silently with her to remember those last moments they had together, those last moments when he tried to siphon every ounce of happiness he felt at simply being with her, even when the stink of war surrounded them.
Caspian saw in that next instant that he'd pushed her too hard. Her blue eyes, as endless as the Eastern Ocean, darkened imperceptibly.
'I'm only human, Your Majesty,' Susan replied, coolly gracious. 'A lot has happened since that battle and I'm afraid I've grown…forgetful of that period.' She glanced at Tomas and the poor boy looked stunned and confused at the tense exchange between the Queen of Old and the King of Narnia. 'Might I borrow Hera?'
Destrier snorted and stamped his hooves as though he understood and disapproved of Susan's choice. Tomas, seized between standing by his King and befriending the beautiful Queen, glanced nervously at Caspian.
'Your Majesty?' Tomas finally prodded the King when the silence became too uncomfortable. Caspian nodded stiffly and much to Susan's surprise and alarm, he brushed the boy aside to help her with the saddle. Susan gripped the leather reins nervously and refused to look down at him. The scene was too much like that last time.
'Won't you take Destrier instead?' he asked her softly as he fastened the last buckle.
'No, thank you,' she declined politely. She'd gone too far, she realized, with her last comment and in front of a stranger, no less! 'I find myself in need of some female friendship,' she joked, and Caspian's eyes brightened with confused delight.
'Well…' he paused, awkward now. 'Be safe. Don't go too fast. Hera has a tendency to ignore the rider's speed and-'
'I'll be fine, Caspian,' she threw over her shoulder as Tomas led the horse out of the stable. 'I'll be back by lunchtime. Tell the others I've gone!'
Caspian watched her ride away, trying to shake off the uneasiness in the pit of his stomach. She couldn't leave, could she? Not without her siblings. No, she wouldn't. For a moment, he allowed himself to believe that Susan was finally warming up to him, that the familiarity in her voice as she rode away was a sign that she might welcome him now. Tomas chose that moment to rush back to him and Caspian was reminded of the reason behind her familiarity.
It was all for show, her joke about Hera, calling him by his name instead of his title, talking to him like an old friend would. She didn't want the boy to spread gossip and speculation about their relationship, or lack of, and she'd put on a show. He almost believed her.
For the first time since they were reunited, or even for the first time since they met those years ago, Caspian could feel the ugly stirrings of anger.
