Chapter 8 – Take My Breath Away – With Laughter

Leon led Rika, Daffy, Porky and the Warners through the packed streets of Radiant Garden, where dozens of citizens were making their daily purchases. Among them were various street performers, ranging from a sword sallower to mimes. One particular mime was imitating the act of pulling on a rope. Rika snickered, held out her fingers like scissors, and jokingly snipped the imaginary rope. Suddenly, a grand piano dropped on top of the mime, crushing and leaving it a mangle mess of awkwardly positioned limbs. Her eyes widened in shock, and darted left and right. Rika quickly shoved her hands into her pockets and walked away innocently, whistling to the tune of a song called Simple and Clean.

Nobody liked mimes.

Ignoring what just happened, Rika asked, "So, er, Leon? The Keyhole to Radiant Garden has already been locked?"

"Well, yes…and no," he answered vaguely. "Your father locked a Keyhole here years ago, back when he just started. But that was the Final Keyhole created from the hearts of the Princesses of Heart by Maleficent. So I'm not entirely sure if it was actually this world's Keyhole or not. It could might as have well been an artificial gateway to Kingdom Hearts."

"Why do these things have to be so complicated?" Daffy griped, slapping his forehead.

"Eh, no worries," Rika said with a shrug. "I'll just check it out. If Stardom Key reacts to it, then we'll know and link Radiant Garden. Killing two birds with one stone."

"I take umbrage to that!" Daffy snapped as he prodded Rika in the shoulder.

"Oh, sure, take all the umbrage and leave nothing for us!" Yakko said indignantly.

"No, I mean I take offense," he said.

"And you want our fence too? Well, fine!" Yakko reached behind his back and pulled out a picket fence in front of him. "Take it. But we're tapped out!"

Daffy stared him askance and dragged his hand over his face, making his bill spring like a diving board. "Aren't you three supposed to be making a journal or something?"

"Yeah, but Wakko ate the pages we wrote," Dot said as she pointed to Wakko, who was ripping out pages from a little notebook and stuffing them into his large mouth.

"Mmm, vowels…" Wakko declared

Rolling his eyes, Porky asked, "Th-th-then you kn-kn-know where the K-Keyhole i-i-is?"

"Yeah, it's located right in heart of the cathedral," Leon replied.

"Oh, of course it is," Daffy said as he rolled his eyes.

"Thanks for the information, Leon," Rika said with a smile. "It was a lot of help. But we really have to get going as soon as possible after we stock up our ship and link the world."

"I understand," Leon said, nodding. "You really do have a daunting task ahead of you."

"I really wish people would stop saying that…" Rika muttered, annoyed.

Suddenly, she and the others was knocked off their feet as the building they were standing next to exploded, flames erupting all around it; citizens screamed as they ran away from the area. "W-w-what the heck is g-going on?!" Porky screamed as he helped Rika and Daffy to their feet.

"And I was so hoping that we could've avoided all this," Daffy groaned as he licked his thumb and put out a flame on his tail feathers.

"No!" Leon growled as shadowy beings emerged from the burning building, all with ravenous yellow eyes that struck fear in their hearts. "The Heartless!"

"What are they doing here?" Rika whispered.

"No time for questions," Daffy shouted as he pulled out his two nunchaku, spinning them swiftly. One of them changed from green to a light blue and he snapped it, unleashing a flurry of Ice magic at the Heartless while also extinguishing the flames.

Rika summoned her Stardom Key as Leon whipped out his Gunblade. "Leon, we'll handle these guys," Rika shouted as she swung her Keyblade and slashed across a Soldier Heartless' torso. "You go warn everyone!"

"You sure you can handle this by yourself?" Leon said as he jabbed his weapon into the air and stabbed a Air Soldier in the head.

"Nope," she replied, and then smirked. "But I'm not by myself." She gave a quick jerk of her head at Porky, who kicked one Shadow Heartless into a building's wall and slashed it with one of his shield's spikes.

Leon nodded. "All right. Good luck!" With that he ran for the castle, swinging his Gunblade at any pursuing Heartless.

"Just don't DIE!" Rika yelled as continued her fight against the Heartless.

"Wh-wh-where are these guys c-c-coming from?!" Porky shouted.

RG-RG-RG

One hour earlier…

Pinky and the Brain navigated the gloomy, silent corridors of the castle, their footsteps echoing off the recently polished walls. "So what exactly do you have planned, Brain?" Pinky asked.

"Have you ever heard of Xehanort, Pinky?" Brain responded.

"Yes!" Pinky said as he nodded excited. He stopped and thought for a moment. "Uh…actually, no. Who was he?"

"He was the prized pupil of Ansem the Wise, the proprietor of this castle," Brain explained. "When Ansem gave up his study of the darkness inside people's hearts, Xehanort and his fellow accomplices continued what was started. They worked day and night studying the effects of the darkness. Then, one day, they made the most interesting find!"

"The flavor of Dr. Pepper?" Pinky asked.

"The Heartless!" Brain exclaimed. "Creatures without hearts, formed from the darkness in people's hearts. Cold, emotionless, unintelligent beings that only strive for one purpose: to claim the light in the hearts of others!"

"So they're like IRS workers?" Pinky suggested.

"More vicious than even that, Pinky!" Brains continued. "These creatures seek and hunt out any living thing capable of feeling. They operate on mere, primal instinct. But, they can be controlled by one whose heart is devoid of light, fueled by the darkness in his heart. That is why we're here."

"But that still doesn't explain why our showwas canceled!" Pinky cried out in despair.

"This has nothing to do with that!" Brain snapped.

"I know," Pinky replied. "That's what makes it annoying, Zoink!" Brain sighed.

Pinky and the Brain entered Ansem's former study. Pinky sat on the edge of Ansem's desk while Brain stood atop an old journal, reading it and occasionally using his feet to turn the page. "According to the eighth Ansem report," Brain said, focusing on the journal. "Xehanort created a machine that was able to artificially produce Heartless. The machine was a success. With the machine, Xehanort could create Heartless seamlessly identical to natural-born Heartless." Brain then stepped off the journal and closed it. "If we can find Xehanort's machine, we would be able to create an unlimited army of Heartless! Such simple, mindless beings are uncomplicated to command. And with the machine, we can create vast multitudes. We can easily replace felled Heartless. Today, Hollow Bastion. Tomorrow, this world. Next week, all the worlds!" Brain raised a fist in the air. "Veni, Vidi, Vici!" he exclaimed.

Pinky, facing Brain, mindlessly applauded. "Egad, Brain!" he cheered. "That is a brilliant plan, Point!" Pinky abruptly stopped, confusion coming across his face. "Oh, wait," he said. "Where exactly would we find this machine, Brain?"

"Why do you think I dragged you out to this castle?" Brain asked.

"Sight-seeing?" Pinky answered stupidly.

Brain jumped above Pinky and bopped him on the head. "Why do I even bother asking?" he groaned. He took a deep breath and continued calmly, "Xehanort's machine is somewhere in this castle, and we need to find it!"

"Oh, come now Brain!" Pinky said, hopping onto the floor below. "It's not like you can just mosey on over to any given wall and just press against it, expecting to find a secret passage!"

He rested his hand against the study's wall and triggered the secret switch. To both of Pinky and the Brain's surprise, a secret passage did open, the passage that lead to Ansem's computer. "Narf!" Pinky gasped. "Speak of the red guy!"

The Brain leaped off the desk and walked towards the secret passage. "Pinky, I believe your ignorance just discovered our bounty," he said as he walked into it. "Come. There is much to do."

At the end of the secret passageway, Pinky and the Brain stumbled upon the highly advanced computer room. Pinky was at awe. "Egad, Brain!" Pinky shouted. "Look at the size of that computer! You think you can play Bejeweled on it? Point!"

Brain rolled his eyes at his moronic partner. "We have more important things to work on than some mindless computer game," he retorted. Brain walked over and climbed up onto the keyboard, Pinky following him. Brain hit a few keys with his foot, causing several things to pop up onto the screen. He studied them carefully. "Apparently this computer is being used by the local denizens for the town's security system," he said. "There also seems to be a database on Xehanort's research. If I'm correct, this computer must also control Xehanort's Heartless machine." Brain began to jump around a little on the keyboard, tapping on the various buttons. Soon, a window appeared on screen.

"'Heartless Man-ooh-factory'," Pinky read slowly.

"The Heartless Manufactory!" Brain exclaimed. "This is it, Pinky! What we have been searching for!" Suddenly, a little, dark swirling portal appeared beside the two mice. The Brain was calm, but Pinky on the other hand…

"Wow!" Pinky gazed in wonder. "So Square-Enix-y!"

A form came into focus, the form of the dark witch herself. "Maleficent," Brain greeted with a nod.

"Look, Brain!" Pinky gasped as he pointed at the portal. "It's the Evil Witch from Sleeping Beauty!"

"Ignore him," Brain said as he rolled his eyes. "We have located the Heartless machine. Shall I activate it now?"

"Yes," Maleficent declared with a dark smile. "But do not forget to insert the program disc."

"Of course," he said with another curt nod. As the portal disappeared into nothingness once more, the Brain muttered to himself, "Insufferable witch."

"Brain! How could you talk about our new friend like that? Traz!" Pinky chided.

"Please, Pinky. We're simply just using her," Brain responded.

"We are? But I thought we were trying to take over the world, you know, like always?" Pinky said confusedly.

He sighed. "I am here to take over the world. But Maleficent wishes to drive it into ruin. I, on the other hand, desire to take over the world to make it a better place."

"Golly, Brain! You sure are a nice guy!" Pinky said with a large grin.

"Of course I am." Brain pushed the enter key on the keyboard, which selected the Activate Heartless Manufactory button. Soon, the humming of machinery warming up began. The Brain and Pinky focused their attention to it, jumped down, and ran to the balcony's edge. They peered over the balcony to the room far below them. There, a large mechanical arm hovered over a small pad. The electrode on the arm fired an electrical spark onto the pad. A bolt of lighting then surged through to the pad. A Solider Heartless' figure coming formed from where the bolt struck. Once completed, it hopped off. Another bolt struck, and another Heartless was created.

"NAAAARRFFFF!" Pinky marveled.

"YES!" the Brain screamed joyously.

RG-RG-RG

Rika stood back-to-back with her two partners as the Heartless swarmed all around them. "Heh, I wonder if this was anything like when my old man was with Donald and Goofy," she mused playfully as she gripped her Keyblade.

"I dunno, but from your descriptions of that Donald guy, I am starting to think that Disney ripped us off," Daffy grumbled, but then looked left and right. "Say, what happened to the Warners?"

Standing atop a shop, Yakko Warner stood with his brother and sister as they overlooked their friends fighting off Heartless. "Radiant Garden…" he said softly. "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious."

"Gag Bag time?" Wakko asked excitedly, his tongue hanging out and panting.

"Be my guest, little brother!" Yakko declared.

"Yippee!" he cheered as he pulled out a little, brown paper bag with the words GAG BAG was written on it with a pencil. He dug into the bag and pulled out a bowling pin. Shaking his head, he tossed it aside. He then held up a kitchen sink, and that was also thrown away. Wakko then pulled out a Sony PlayStation 3. Shrugging, he took a bite out of it and then flung it away as well. Digging deeper into his bag, Wakko grinned as he exclaimed, "Here!"

"Do-da-do!" Dot hummed as Wakko raised an old-fashioned vacuum cleaner above his head, light shining from it.

The three Warners hopped onto the vacuum, and Yakko shouted, "Hit it!" Wakko happily obliged as he kicked the ON switch. The vacuum sprang to life, roaring mightily as it flew off from the building and to the ground.

"What's that sound?" Rika asked as she knocked away a Large Body.

"L-l-look!" Porky shouted, pointing. Daffy and Rika turned and saw the rapidly approaching vacuum with the Warners still riding it.

"Run for it!" Rika and Daffy screamed as they ran away in terror.

The vacuum cleaner zoomed through the masses of Heartless, sucking in every last one of them into its hammerspace bag. All the while, Yakko, Wakko and Dot sang, "Star...Trekkin' across the universe! Only going forward 'cause we can't find reverse!"

With the remaining Shadow Heartless sucked into the vacuum, the three Warners hopped off and declared, "All done!"

Yakko looked around. "Huh, where's Rika and Daffy and Porky?"

Dot held her hand over her ear as she stood next to the massive vacuum bag. Hearing the familiar sounds of a girl screaming, a duck quacking, and a pig grunting, Dot said, "I think we sucked them up too."

"Whoops," Wakko said awkwardly as he held one hand over his mouth. He walked next to the vacuum, spun his leg, and simply gave it a little kick. The vacuum sputtered and coughed up Rika, Daffy and Porky.

"M-m-my God," Porky whispered. "It was f-f-full of stars…"

"Well, at least the Heartless are gone," Rika said with a sigh. "Good work, guys." Yakko, Wakko and Dot beamed.

"Yeah, tell that to my aching back pain," Daffy grumbled as he attempted to straighten his spine.

"Come on," Rika said, beginning to run off. "Let's get to the castle and see if anyone knows what happened!"

Porky and the Warners nodded, and chased after her. Daffy slowly waddled behind them. "They don't pay me enough…" he said with a sign.

RG-RG-RG

Leon threw open the doors to the front entrance of the castle's lobby. Waiting there were two men, one black and the other white; and, strangely, they were both carrying towels. The black man wore his towel around his shoulders and carried a satchel by his side. While he was dressed quite well for travel, his friend was in pajamas and a bathrobe, almost like he was just pulled out of bed this morning (which he was). The black man was calm, cool, and serene. The other man, however, was nervous and trouble, repeating the words "culture shock" over and over.

"Hey, you!" the black man called to Leon. "We need to talk to the head honcho around here, sass you frood?"

"Not now," Leon hissed as he ran pass the two men and further into the cathedral.

"Are all people from another world rude like this, Ford?" the pajama-wearing man asked.

"If they're rich punks like him, sure," the man called Ford Prefect relied with a shrug. "Radiant Garden is going to be receiving a harsh critique of their costumer service from me, that's for sure!"

"Oh, much like the Vogons when they obliterated my world?" Arthur Dent sulked. "And why is it even called Radiant Garden?"

Ford reached into his satchel and pulled out a little book-like electronic calculator with a large screen and many buttons with odd little symbols that Arthur couldn't make heads or tails out of. And right on the front cover, in large friendly letters, were the words DON'T PANIC. This was The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. "Hmm, according to the Guide, it said that its name was Hollow Bastion, but they changed it back to its original name several years ago," Ford said.

"Oddly enough, I find the name Hollow Bastion more riveting and engrossing," Arthur muttered. "How long are we going to be here, Ford? Didn't you mention that the Vogons were coming here as well? Should we be, oh, I don't know …finding a ship and escaping this doomed hunk of dirt?"

"Now without alerting the world leader," he replied. "It's my duty as a hitchhiker to make sure any place in the universe worth visiting is preserved."

"The same words couldn't have been said for my planet, eh?" Arthur asked monotonously.

Leon barreled through the many passageways of the castle, not wasting a precious moment. Finally, he came across what he was looking for – the Hollow Bastion Loudspeaker System. Snatching up the microphone and hitting the large red button, Leon shouted, "Attention all members of SeeD! Radiant Garden is under the threat of Heartless!" A shadow fell over Leon. He turned his head to the window. His eyes widen as he bellowed, "Send all members to their stations! This is an invasion of agents of darkness! Repeat: This is- (cough) This is- (cough, cough)!" Leon gasped for air as green gas filled his lungs. He dropped to his knees, still gripping the microphone. An urge began to overtake his body. Leon hugged his chest as his insides burned and sweat pored from his head.

He smiled.

It grew into snickering. It turned into chuckling. Finally becoming full-blown laughter. Leon couldn't control it, he kept on laughing as he hugged his stomach to keep it from cramping. Tears rolled from his eyes as everything began fading into darkness. He tried to keep awake as he attempted to look at the man responsible. Dressed in a purple suit and face as pale as snow, the Joker said, "My, my, my! They crack up before I even begin! I guess my reputation precedes me. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"