A/N: Dear sweet readers...I owe you all a sincere apology for several reasons... A) this took forever, but work is trying to kill me so it's not my fault, I swear.
B) this long awaited chapter is outta-control-level long, so I kindaaaa had to break it into two chapters *ducks flying tomatoes* DON'T BE MAD, OKAY? It woulda been like ~9,000 words and I'm going for consistency here. I think/hope it'll be worth it...the second half should be up by tomorrow or Monday.
C) this (well, really the next) chap is straight up crack to the max! I don't even know what's happening anymore! Control: I haz none.
I probably need a beta, or at least someone brave enough to try to tame my ADD...I feel like this story is just a bunch of really long one shots strung together lol.
Songs:
"The Greatest" Cat Power
"Kathleen" Catfish and the Bottlemen
DISCLAIMER: The only thing I own are the typos, some one liners, and an iffy at best plot. Have you bought any songs yet?!
"Happy birthday week, beautiful!"
Don'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcry. Don't. Cry. Darcy swallowed hard and forced a smile. "Why thank you, solider!"
"I'm sorry I have to miss it...I hate I'm not there."
Fuck. He was making this whole don't cry thing unnecessarily difficult. Clearly, this showed on her face, because he continued, blue eyes sad,
"Don't be upset, Darce. You know I'd be there right now if I could. Nat, too."
Damnnnitttt. She had gone and made him feel guilty. For doing his job. For basically protecting the entire damn planet from baddies. And now she was depressed and a selfish freaking bitch. FANTASTIC.
"I'm not upset, Steve, I promise." the crack in her voice betraying her. Damn you, voice!
"You are."
"Am not!"
"Are, too!"
Darcy felt a watery smile break through the tears she hadn't realized she'd let escape.
"See, made ya smile." Steve grinned.
"Shut up..."
"I miss you, too, kiddo."
"Steve...I..." Darcy paused, biting her lip.
"What?" he finally urged.
"When are you guys coming home?"
"March. But you already knew that."
"Yeah." she murmured, eyes casting down to where her hands were twisting in her lap.
"What's really on your mind?"
"Nothing." Her eyes flashed back to him.
"Definitely something, Lewis." He looked at her questioningly, then a dark look marred his features, "Is it Loki? Has he been bothering you? Because if he-"
She groaned inwardly. "NO, Steve! God! He's fine!"
The dark expression passed, but he still looked worried. "Well, what's bothering you?"
She wished she could tell him. Tell him about everything lately. Like she normally would. Complain and laugh and get his advice. But his advice would probably not be, er, productive at this point. He would be so...judge-y. Well, that wasn't exactly true. Steve was never judge-y. Even after the Halloween bar-dancing fiasco, he was really just disapproving. But this was different. This wasn't just a case of typical Darcy antics. Something for him to roll his eyes at and mock-chastise her for. This was Darcy befriending and having antics with a murderous, magical god. No, judge-y wasn't the right word. Angry wouldn't even be the right one. No, Steve Rogers...funny, easy-going, always diplomatic, best friend ever, Steve Rogers...would be terrifyingly fucking pissed off. Darcy would bet her iPod he'd even cuss her out a bit. Steve never cursed. And right now, in this moment, all Darcy wanted to do was tell him. Hey, so Magic Pants and I are kinda homies now, and he's really kinda nerdy and sweet! You should totally hang out with him when ya get home and stuff because I really think you'd like him if you could, I donno, get over the whole he tried to take over the world thing. Yeah. That'd go over greeeat.
"Honestly, it's nothing. Just...hurry up with those baddies."
His face softened, "Doin' our best, ma'am."
Darcy rolled her eyes. "You're such a douche."
"You love it." Steve grinned, "Now tell me about these big birthday plans I'm missing out on."
The next day, Darcy wound her way through the labyrinth of hallways leading to the gym and training area.
"Clint?"
"Hey, Darcy." His rough voice purred close behind her.
"Jesus Christ, Clint!" Darcy shrieked, whipping around, "You scared the ever living shit outta me!"
The sneaky bastard grinned.
Darcy glared at him and tried to slow her racing heart, "Stop sneaking up on people, you ass! Or I swear to God, I'm trying a bell to you!"
Now he grinned wider, "Oh, I look forward to it."
"Fucking perv..."
"You know it." he said with a wink, "So, what's up?"
"Well, I came down here to invite you to Friendsgiving karaoke for my birthday, but since you're being such a douche..." Darcy grumbled.
Clint clicked his tongue, "Shame...guess you won't get your presents then."
Darcy's face lit up, "Presents!?"
"Yep. But, ya know, since I'm not invited..."
"Dude! You know I want you there!"
"You mean want presents there..." he teased.
"I mean, I also want dat ass there! Have I told you lately what a fantastic ass you have?"
Clint laughed out loud. "Yeah, ya have. Several times. You've posted pictures of my ass all over Tumblr, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest..."
"What? It's a compliment!"
Clint arched an eyebrow.
"Are you coming to my party or not?"
"Who all is going?"
Darcy shifted awkwardly, "Um, you know, Tony, Pepper, Jane and Thor and Loki...Bruce is coming to dinner, but not the bar..."
"I'm sorry, did you just say Loki?!" Clint growled darkly.
"Well, yeah, I mean, he lives with us and stuff-"
"No way! I'm sorry, Darce, I'm not going if that ass-"
"Look, we can't just leave him here alone! In the tower! None of us will be here!"
Clint continued his death glare, "No. I'm not going."
Darcy glared back at him for a minute, then pulled her phone out of her back pocket.
"What're you doing?"
"Calling Nat." she replied cooly.
"You wouldn't."
Darcy narrowed her eyes, "Wouldn't I, Clint? Wouldn't I?"
"You...you...well, fine! Call her! I'll just call Rogers!" he sputtered indignantly.
Darcy laughed. Silly, silly man. "Really? And tell him what exactly? That I'm picking on you?"
"Nope. I'll tell him you're taking that asshole to your birthday party." Clint smirked.
Shit shit and double shit. Time to pull out the big guns.
"It seems we've reached an impasse, Barton... Well played."
The archer smiled smugly, then Darcy continued,
"BUT...I seem to recall this video...I think it's here somewhere..." she murmured as she scrolled through her phone, "Ah, here it is!"
When she glanced up, his smug smile faded into a scowl with just a twinge of fear. Perf.
Darcy gave him her sweetest smile and continued innocently, "You remember that party after you guys beat those slug-looking baddies in Portugal last year, don'tcha Clint?" then she pouted, "Well, maybe you don't remember, but..."
"That video was destroyed." Clint ground out between clinched teeth.
"I know..." Darcy pouted again, "And Tony was so sad. I bet he'd loveeee to get a copy of it...the person who could do that would probably get a very generous finder's fee."
Clint looked like he was going to either pass out or kill her. Or maybe kill her and then pass out.
"Don't look so sad, Clinty. Honestly, you put Channing Tatum to shame! Just imagine if even a tiny gif of this made its way onto Tumblr. The internet would explode. Literally."
Clint dashed for her phone, but Darcy pulled it back, "Oh, sweetie...you don't wanna do that. It would just upset me. Besides, I have it stored in other places...safe and sound. Did I ever mention to you how amazeballs I am with computers?"
"God damn you, Lewis!"
"Guess I will see ya Friday, boo! Be in the lobby by 6:00!"
"This is ridiculous! I refuse to participate in something so completely absurd! I am a Prince of Asgard!"
Loki was pacing irritably in front of the entertainment center at the apartment, Darcy trailing after him, scurrying to match his longer strides.
"Pleeeeease, Loki! You have to! For me? It's for my birthday!"
"Darcy, I do not care if it is your funeral. I am not doing this 'karaoke'!"
When the song cued up for the fifth time in a row, Loki stopped his pacing and closed his eyes, a pained expression on his face. He wasn't supposed to use his magic destructively, but the mortal girl was tempting him dangerously.
"What's wrong?" Darcy nearly crashing into him from his abrupt halt.
He spun around to face her, incredulous, "What is wrong?! I am tired of this gods forsaken song!"
"Don't worry, it comes back!" she grinned.
"What?"
Darcy giggled at his confusion, "Never mind. Just...please do this! Even Thor's done karaoke with us before!"
"Thor is an imbecile!"
"That is not the point!"
Loki fought a smile, "I don't care! I am not doing this, Darcy!"
"But...but...my birthday! You're not even getting me a gift! This can be my gift!"
"How do you know I haven't already gotten you a gift?"
"You really got me a present?" she asked softly, eyes shining up at him.
"No."
"Damn it, Loki!" she scowled.
"I'm not singing this blasted song in front of people."
A thought suddenly hit her, "Oh my god...you're scared aren't you?"
"I am not scared!" he growled indignantly.
"Loki, it's just for fun! Who cares what anyone thinks!"
"As if I should care what a bunch of useless, sniveling mortals think of me," he snorted derisively.
"Um, excuse you, Your Rudeness. You care what I think!"
He narrowed his eyes at her.
"See, you do care what I think..." she smiled.
"I didn't say that."
"You didn't have to," she murmured, "...I care what you think, too."
Fleetingly, he stared at her with an unreadable expression, which quickly melted into his signature scowl, "You are infuriating."
"I know. But you like it. That's why we're friends." she shrugged, a half-smile playing on her full lips.
Loki stood rigidly and tried his damnedest to look down at her menacingly. He knew all hope of deterring her was lost as he watched her half-smile grow and spread, her eyes lighting up with an idea. She approached him slowly, as if she were fearful that any sudden movement may startle him. When their toes were almost touching, she stopped, looking up at him with large, happy eyes.
"I'm going to hug you now." she said slowly, her small arms lifting, gently encircling his waist. Loki stood wide eyed, hands fisted resolutely at his sides. He could feel something akin to panic curl slowly up his spine, making his entire being go rigid. He was certain the sheer amount of tension in his body would shatter him into a million pieces and scatter him across the apartment floor.
But then she softly placed her head on his chest, arms tightening around him ever so slightly, and let out a sigh. Gradually, almost painfully, he felt the coiling tension in his muscles give way. Against his will, one hand rose up to rest upon the small of her back, returning her embrace.
When she finally looked up at him, her small smile was still firmly in place and her eyes were so large and blue that he would almost swear one could drown in them. Suddenly, Loki understood the appeal of the color...by the Nine, she was fetching. Even with her silly clothes and spectacles and...
Damn! No, she was a mortal! A disgusting mortal. She did not feel soft and warm. And he did not enjoy the feel of her curves lined up against his own sharp planes. And he most assuredly did not like that she smelled of strawberries or that she smiled even when the others weren't around and he knew it was just for him!
"Please. Please sing at my birthday. It would mean a lot to me. I know you can have fun if you just try. You have to try, Loki." she spoke quietly.
"I will not have fun." he muttered sullenly.
Darcy smirked up at him, "You will. Because you'll be with me and I'm the fun-est person you know."
"Could you at least choose another song?"
Darcy pouted, slowly untangling herself from him, "But I love this song! It has unlimited repeat potential! Besides, if you're scared to sing by yourself, I'll sing with you!"
Loki straightened out his shirt, definitely not disappointed over the fact that she had released him..."Mortal - I am not scared. I have witnessed horrors the likes of which you could not even begin to fathom. I have lead armies and razed entire Realms. I am-"
"Dude, could you stop bragging and just tell me why won't you just sing the damn song?"
"Because...because..." By the Norns! Why in Hel did words constantly fail him with this...this girl?!
"You're gonna do it, aren't you?"
Silence.
"THANK YOU! Thankyouthankyouthankyou! You're the best! Don't freak out because I'm hugging you again!"
Loki let out a startled oomph! when she launched herself into his chest again, clearly no longer hesitant to embrace him.
"Hey, Loki?" she murmured, the side of her face scrunched up against his shirt.
"What?"
Darcy glanced up at him hopefully, "Will you do the accent?"
"The what?"
"The accent...like in the song?"
"Absolutely not."
"But-"
"NO, DARCY."
"It's my birthday, bitches! Worship me!" Darcy burst into the living room.
"Darcy, we've been worshipping all week! I'm tiiiirrred!" Jane whined from her position on one of the couches, head in Thor's lap. Darcy had convinced (read: forced) everyone to take the day off. It was a holiday, and shit.
"How dare you?!" Darcy scoffed, "Now, KNEEL!"
Loki rolled his eyes, but Thor chuckled.
"Yeeeah, I'm not kneeling, but I will make pancakes."
"I accept your penance, lowly commoner!"
Jane rose with a stretch and padded toward the kitchen and Darcy plopped down in the open spot next to Thor.
"Hey, Thunderboy, guess what?"
"What is it, Lady Darcy?" Thor asked pleasantly.
"Loki's singing karaoke tonight." she smiled impishly, oblivious to the god in question glaring daggers at her.
Thor's brows shot up in surprise and he turned to his brother, "Truly, Loki?"
"It would appear I have no choice in the matter. Her majesty commands it." He replied dryly.
Thor peered at him curiously. Loki was not one to take commands from anyone. How very odd... But he decided it best not to question.
"It's for my birthday! It's his present to me!"
"Oh?" Thor smirked in Loki's direction, "You would torture the girl on her night of celebration and call it a gift, brother?"
Loki opened his mouth to retort, but Darcy interrupted,
"HEY!" She growled, "Stop teasing him! You're no Justin Timberlake yourself! Besides, he could sound like a bag of cats and I'd still love it because he's my friend and it's the thought that counts! Stop being an ass!"
Loki knew his expression matched Thor's. Total shock.
"I...am sorry..."
"Well, don't tell me! Tell him!"
"I am sorry, Loki. You sing...well."
Had this little mortal really defended him? From such a small jest? Had she just called him her friend? To Thor? It was one thing for her to wax poetic about their supposed friendship to him, but to so blatantly defend him and claim him to others? It was simply unheard of! Even in Asgard, even before his...indiscretions. Only his moth...No. He wouldn't think on that.
Not only that, but to imply she would appreciate anything from him...What was this mortal's game? She plays no game, whispered a small voice inside him that sounded suspiciously like Frigga.
"We're taking a cab and that's it!"
"But Pepper arranged for a limo!" Jane protested.
"Let those losers take it, then! We're taking a cab. End. Of. Discussion. It's my birthday and what I say goes! This is Loki's first trip out and it needs to be authentic! What's more 'New York' than a cab?!"
Loki sighed in exasperation, looking down at the dirty sidewalk. Like it mattered which mode of primitive transport they chose. He could be back in his room reading right now! Instead he was standing out on this filthy, overly loud street while the mortals bickered. And he was wearing jeans. How decidedly plebeian. This was the most horrifyingly debasing thing he'd ever done. It was insulting! Why the Hel he'd agreed to this, he'd never know. Actually, he did know, but ignorance was preferable.
Thor shifted beside him, glancing between the two stubborn women before speaking tentatively, "But...Lady Darcy, won't we be...pressed for space in a vehicle so...small?"
The mortal girl smiled dazzlingly, blue eyes shining in the city lights, "Just let Jane sit on your lap. I know she knows how!"
Jane glared, but she continued,
"Besides," her gaze slid playfully to Loki, "we could always put Mischief in the trunk..."
Loki smiled condescendingly, "Oh yes, mortal, please try."
"Hey! No calling me mortal tonight!" she snapped, then she feigned a pout, "I donno why you insist on stealing all of my fun."
"If you two are done, can we just go? We're gonna be late." Jane interjected.
"Rushing a girl on her birthday? Do you people have no respect?" Darcy grumbled, stepping over to the curb and hailing the closest yellow contraption. She grabbed the handle of the back door and yanked it open before turning to them with a huge smile, "Get in, losers!"
The four piled into the back, Thor and Jane first, followed by Loki and Darcy. His brother was correct in his assessment that the space would be entirely too small. Loki shifted uncomfortably. The interior of the cab smelled of piss, overly floral air freshener, and cigarettes. And Darcy Lewis was practically sitting upon his lap.
"Where to?" their driver said in a bored tone, with an unplaceable accent.
The mortal occupying his increasingly uncomfortable lap bolted up, leaning over the front seat to address the driver, giving him an irritatingly spectacular close-up view of her ass in tight dark jeans.
"Hi! I'm Darcy! It's my birthday!"
"Darce, please don't harass the driver." Jane muttered, yanking the girl back down and giving the man the address.
She sat back with a huff and stuck her tongue out at Jane. Then she turned to look at him, dark curls tumbling over her shoulder and eyes alight with mirth. A tiny smile tugged at the corners of her lips, once again painted red. Loki couldn't stop staring at them...
"Are you totally stoked, or what?" she whispered excitedly as the cab lurched into traffic, jostling her against him.
Loki cleared his throat and grasped for a bored tone, "Quite. I'm simply overcome."
This earned him an eye roll and her head leaned back to his shoulder. He could smell the familiar scent of strawberries in her hair; a blessed relief from the other, less appealing aromas in the cab. But still irritating. And from this angle he had a view straight down her low-cut floral blouse. Damn.
"Hey," she continued, thankfully stirring him from his embarrassingly wayward thoughts, "try to behave yourself, alright? We will have fun, I promise!"
"I daresay we'd have much more fun if we were to misbehave, little mortal..."
Her head popped up and she whirled to look at him, red lips forming a little 'o' of surprise, and he realized how exactly that sounded.
Had he just said that aloud?! Why had he said...like that?! DAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMN! Of all the times for his silver tongue to decid- damn, now he was thinking about tongues and the mortal girl and licking and- DAMNIT!
Before he could so much as open his mouth to explain, Darcy Lewis did the one thing he did not expect.
She burst into a fit of giggles. "You're so fucking ridiculous! Sweet talk will get you nowhere. You promised me karaoke and you will give it to me."
Loki felt like he couldn't breathe. He was relieved she thought him in jest...wait, he was in jest. Yes. But then she demanded he give it to her! His traitorous mind wandered back to tongues and lush curves and red lips and Odin be damned, what was wrong with him?! He was truly going mad!
As her laughter subsided she leaned her head back onto his shoulder, "Oh man, tonight is gonna be hella fun...it'll be just like Sex and the City..."
And there went his mind...again.
A/N: Poor Dirty Loki! Lol. Hope you weren't too disappointed! Next chap is on deck! Have I told you guys lately that I love you? Xo
Next up: PRESENTS. What's Loki gonna sing? (Keep guessing, I gave good hints) Darcy is a troublemaker. Ponies. Clint can't help his reenactments. Exactly how much can gods drink? Notorious J.A.N.E. Tony figures shit out. Loki says the thing. Loki says the other thing. Darcy gets in her feels. Loki is basically doomed. :) Intrigued yet?
