Greetings Readers! Here, at long last, is Yami's POV. This chapter is quite a bit different than the others in that it covers several different instances throughout Yami's loss and journey to get Yugi's soul back. Hopefully, it will be clear what I'm referring to in each section. I also hope that this isn't terrible - writing this terrified me! :) I hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, or any of its characters. Such is life.
This can't be happening. It has to be a dream. Please, Ra, please let me wake up…
Even as I thought that fervent prayer as I overlooked the canyon where I had just lost everything, I knew that it was no good. This could not be a nightmare – on the few occasions when I had been troubled by memories from my past life that were shrouded in fog, I could always feel Yugi's light and warmth even in the darkest moments. But there was no light or warmth, no matter how I reached for it.
The others were talking to me, trying to understand, but they were nothing more than a dull buzz in my ears. The tears welled in my eyes as I tried to feel something, anything of Yugi's presence. But there was nothing – I felt dull, heavy, and empty. Please don't make me repeat it, saying it rips me into pieces - Yugi is gone.
"It's all my fault!" I fell to my knees on the rough stone that must have been burning hot but I didn't feel it. "Yugi, come back!"
Why did I call for Yugi? He would never have left and then delayed coming back just for a joke; he would have been back immediately. Yugi would never hurt someone by being cruel or by letting such base emotions as anger or a desire for vengeance take over him. Like it had taken over me when I played that cursed card. Why should he suffer for my actions?
My fists clenched and I pounded them into the stone with such force that it sent painful vibrations up my arms into my shoulder blades. I ignored it, and scraping of my skin – the pain was nothing compared to the agony in my heart. "It should've been me, not him! It's not fair!"
I had never cried in sheer grief and pain before, but now the tears poured from my eyes and I made no effort to keep them back. I could sense the others walking over to me, internally debating whether it would be better to leave me alone with my grief or try to comfort me. If I'd had the energy to wave them away, I would have. They needed to have their own time to grieve, and I didn't deserve comfort anyway. I had caused their friend to be taken away. And I had ignored my aibou's advice and didn't stop him from sacrificing himself for me.
All my fault all my fault all my fault…
All I could do was yell in shock as I watched him be taken away by that demonic green light. Why didn't I do something? Why didn't I push him out of the way? I stood up, ignoring the numbness of my probably bruised knees and stared out blankly over the cliff. I had sworn to protect him ever since he had freed me by solving the puzzle, but I had done worse to him than any of the bullies I used to defend him from. I had let him get captured, and I might never see him again.
The thought made my blood run cold, and I had to fight back the tears that threatened to overwhelm me again. Our friends were murmuring behind me, trying to figure out what had happened – someone even thought that 'maybe Yugi was still here and just got knocked out by the Orichalcos.'
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to keep the petulant yell boiling within me from escaping. Didn't they understand? Yugi was gone. No matter what they said, he was gone because of me.
The idea of moving seemed laughable, if there had been any laughter inside of me, and I probably could have stood there for an eternity if Joey hadn't spoken up. "We…probably need to be heading back." I was able to register that his voice sounded a lot weaker than I'd ever heard coming from him, but as I turned to walk back to my horse and the car, my mind went back to fall on Yugi. I could almost feel his pull on my arm when he tried to stop me from playing the card, almost hear his cry of shock and pain as the Seal blocked him from the duel, and the impression of his hands as he shoved me out of harm's way seemed permanently pressed on my back.
I let out a slow breath that rattled as it left me and looked over at the others, whose faces were all set in varying degrees of shock and confusion. My heart fell. This was my doing. All of it. If Yugi was here, he would've been able to break them out of this – he was able to inspire and encourage anyone. But then, if Yugi was here they wouldn't be like this in the first place.
The others got into the car and I walked over to the horse. It sensed my unrest and became anxious, and I brushed my fingers across its neck to soothe it. The horse seemed to settle, but I couldn't. All of my body seemed fragile and the sheer contact against the horse's coat seemed enough to break me into pieces. As I forced myself onto the saddle, I remembered how Yugi would always refer to me as the strong one of the two of us. A noise that wasn't quite laughter came out as I thought of the irony of that. Yugi, I knew you were the stronger of us, but until now I didn't realize how much stronger you are.
Everything about me felt heavy and fragile…and empty.
We had to save Yugi. But how could we, when we felt so lost without him?
···
Téa was trying to get me out of my depression, and on one level I appreciated it. But on the other levels, it was impossible for me to think of such trivial things. It was impossible to sit near others I hurt so much, especially when their presence made me think so much on Yugi's absence. Not that I needed help with that – I felt his absence with each breath, each heartbeat.
"Sorry, Téa." I mumbled and pushed past her to walk down the aisle to the back of the train car. The door slid closed behind me and I leaned against the wall, staring out into the countryside. I looked down and saw the blasted duel disk on my arm, the duel disk that played the card that took Yugi away. The card I played…
I punched the wall in a burst of anger and then slid down the side of the car as the fury bled out from me. Lifting my fist up to my face, I could see bruises rising on the knuckles and rotated the hand with detached interest. Why couldn't I feel the pain? My knuckles should have been throbbing, my entire body should have been aching from being tossed around by Rafael and given the sensitivity of my face, the part where Joey had punched me should have been tender. But I couldn't feel anything, I was just numb.
I closed my eyes and everything that had happened flashed past my eyelids. Yugi pleading for me not to use the card. My rage overwhelming me. Shaking Yugi off. His yell as the Orichalcos trapped him. Being pushed out of the way, Yugi being sucked away…
It wasn't until I saw the wetness dripping onto my duel disk that I realized I was crying. I've lost him forever.
I reached up to wipe the tear tracks from my face and was surprised at how hard it was to lift my hand to my face. My entire body felt heavy but hollow, and unfeeling. It was hard to hold it up without Yugi. I looked at the bruising fingers and felt another jolt of guilt. These weren't my hands I was damaging, they were Yugi's. This body wasn't mine – I had stolen it from Yugi, from the one who had given me freedom. And not only had I stolen that from him, I'd stolen Yugi from everyone else.
We all felt his absence. He was the person who held us all together, and me especially. Yugi had kept me together ever since he put together the Puzzle and released me after three thousand years of imprisonment. I had always valued his friendship, but I had not realized just how much it meant to me.
But what if it was too late? What if we never saw him again to tell him?
···
By some miracle, being flung from the top of a train car that was careening wildly on a cliff and landing in a clump of bushes at the foot of the cliff hadn't severely injured either me or Téa. When Téa's voice had tapered off, I had looked worriedly over at her to see if she had succumbed to some injury but she was simply unconscious from the exhaustion and stress of the past two days. I, on the other hand, stayed fully awake with the memories of what had just happened haunting me.
But I deserve it, I thought as the wind whistled through the bushes and scraped against my raw skin. It was oddly cold, but not nearly as cold as my soul which had completely devoid of light and warmth when Yugi's spirit had been taken.
With no distraction but the howling wind, my mind focused on the duel with Weevil, a typical duel with the boy until he had taunted me with the card that was supposedly holding Yugi's soul. That had stoked my anger, but it erupted into a blaze when Weevil had torn the card in two and let the pieces flutter to the floor. I completely lost it when then happened, thinking that Yugi was gone forever. When the conniving weasel revealed that it was a useless bug card, my despair left me but my rage did not. Instead, it boiled and festered within me, clouding my thoughts and fuelling my actions. I didn't even realize that I was falling victim to the same rage that had taken Yugi away until Téa grabbed my arm. She was holding it in the same way Yugi had before I'd played the card – to try and stop me from making a terrible mistake. But both times it was too late. When I shook the red fury from my gaze, I saw Weevil's soulless husk slumped over where he had been standing. Another soul was gone, the soul of someone who was our only link to finding Yugi, and I'd forgotten that in my rage.
I sighed. When I came into this world, I came as a protector to the boy who had brought me into it and his friends, but how much good had I done? I'd hurt so many. My fury helped Weevil get taken away by the Seal of Orichalcos. My actions caused the tough Rebecca to break down in tears, and I could still feel the feeble staccato of her fists on my chest. Téa had been absolutely devastated, and Joey had been so angry and grieving about losing Yugi that he'd hit me. And I hurt Yugi…especially Yugi.
Although it took some effort, I managed to sit up and cradled my face in my hands. I should never have revealed myself to Yugi; I should have limited myself to just coming out to protect him. Maybe it would have been better if Yugi had never solved the Puzzle. I laughed self-reproachfully and gripped my hair between my fingers. I was too selfish to truly wish that none of this had ever happened, just the thought of never experiencing Yugi's light or ever learning what I had from him was terrifying.
Even three years later, I could remember the moment that I was freed with perfect clarity. Millennia of darkness obliterated in a single moment of light and warmth; I could breathe for the first time in three thousand years, could feel the sun's warmth on my ace. All thanks to a young boy whose own soul's warmth was even stronger than that of the sun. I had learned so much from him. He taught me compassion, forgiveness, and friendship. He taught me, once a Pharaoh over all Egypt, how to be a true leader. And he taught me that winning isn't everything – a lesson learned from our duel with Kaiba and one I wished I'd remembered during my duel with Rafael. I would have lost either way, but if I hadn't played the Seal in my desire to win, I wouldn't have lost Yugi.
Yugi had put together my Puzzle, but it seemed that he was also part of it. He put me together, but was also a part of me. Millennia separated our births, but he was still a part of me. His absence was like a huge gaping hole in my heart, like a piece of it was missing entirely.
My heart clenched in pain and exhaustion and I could feel myself falling backward as blackness claimed me. A single thought filled my mind before I succumbed to the strain. I need to get him back, even if that means I never can feel that warmth again. No matter what happens, I am getting him back.
···
How I managed to remain cool and collected through our hike to the valley with Ironheart, I don't know. The man had given me the first real hope since Yugi had been taken away, and the valley could let me see Yugi again. Of course, once we reached the top of the cliff overlooking the valley, all my intentions of remaining collected vanished as I called out Yugi's name and sprinted down the slope.
At the bottom of the valley, the place seemed much bigger than it had appeared earlier. Grinning, leering specters rose up from the ground, mocking me, but I simply walked through them – even when the specters bore familiar faces. They couldn't scare me, I had seen far worse.
The valley seemed disappointed that its specters hadn't shaken me and sent howling torrents of wind into my path. Sand and hair whipped furiously into my face, but I barely flinched. It was worth it if I could see Yugi again.
At the thought, the valley seemed to abandon the idea of frightening me away, and my soul seemed suddenly engulfed in light. Yugi's final words raced across my mind and I stopped dead in my tracks, praying that the presence I was sensing wasn't a trick of my imagination.
As if an answer to my prayer, several balls of light began to form in front of me, dazzling in their brightness before they formed…an ethereal form of Yugi standing in front of me. My heart almost stopped beating at the sight. He was here, he looked fine if weary, and I almost whispered, "I've found you!"
My heart nearly bursting, I reached for him – only to fall completely through Yugi's form. The disappointment of not being able to even touch my Aibou after so long was nearly crushing, but he was here. But…he wasn't, not exactly.
His voice was cold and almost dead when he acted surprised that I would come to see him, and when he regretted that any of this had ever happened. My heart sank at his tone – why was he acting like this? Of course I came to see him – he was my Aibou!
I tried to apologize, but the words seemed hollow and Yugi didn't seem to believe any of it. He simply glared at me. "What good is that now? I'm the one that's locked away forever, not you!"
My heart felt even heavier. I knew I did not deserve forgiveness, but I must have expected it because his rejection hurt more than I thought possible. Yugi was so cold, so unlike the vibrant, enthusiastic young man I'd come to rely on, and I feared what the Seal had done to him. What had he suffered? It must have been horrendous to suck away all of his light. And how could he think it was pity that made me seek him out. Friendship, Aibou, friendship, that's why – like you taught me! Oh Ra, what happened to you?
Selfish as it was, I thought Yugi would be glad to see me. Instead he railed at me for getting him into this mess and then challenged me to a duel, with bitterness and malice in his voice. I did not want to duel him but when he said that it would show I was truly sorry, I had to. I would do anything to show him that.
But that resolve wasn't enough to keep my heart from breaking as I looked into his cold, angry eyes and watched his face curl into a cruel smile. His words made it break even more – that was the darkness in my heart? A darkness so strong it could corrupt him?
Rafael called me an evil pharaoh and I exploded in anger. I wondered if I was evil when I got Yugi taken away, and it crushed me. But hearing Yugi say it was enough to destroy me. Power could never be more important to me than you, Yugi! I couldn't stop now, though, evil or not I had to bring Yugi back. Perhaps I could talk some reason into him…
But then he smirked at me as he slipped an eerily familiar card into his disk and all hope of reasoning with him was lost. Reason meant nothing to those in the grip of the Seal, and the hellish green marks had seared themselves onto Yugi's forehead. Not even when he had been captured had he been scarred by the green mark. What had happened to him?
I saw the rest of Yugi's plays as though in slow motion, filled with horror not only at his actions but at how they mirrored my own in the duel when I lost him. As much as I deserved this punishment, I couldn't lose – Yugi and the entire world was at stake. But I couldn't attack him either, and so the plays continued in perfect imitation of my mistake until Yugi walked into my trap.
But I couldn't do that to Yugi!
But I had to.
I couldn't!
I needed to.
I can't!
I must.
Yelling with exasperation at the war inside my mind, I made my move. "Activate Trap Card, Divine Wind!" And instantly regretted my decision as I watched the powerful beam of light go back towards Yugi. Yugi, no! How could I hurt you again?
The force of the spell was so strong that it knocked him over, his body suspended in light for a few moments before collapsing to the ground. My heart felt ripped from my body and I stumbled backward before sprinting to Yugi's side. What have I done?
Not even remembering that I was unable to touch him before, I knelt beside Yugi and supported his head against my body in a sitting position. I expected more hatred, more disgust – and saw the most wonderful, forgiving smile on my hikari's face. My heart suddenly returned to my chest and seemed much lighter than it had been for a long time.
His voice was weak but strong at the same time. "You passed the test, pal."
"What do you mean? Did you plan this all along?" His smile grew bigger, and the mask of cold cruelty he'd shoved onto his face fell away. Warmth filled me, although I didn't notice it for the tears pooling in my eyes.
He nodded. "It wasn't easy, but you did what was best for me and for mankind. You acted like a true hero." He patted my arm encouragingly, but I could only feel it as my eyes were completely obstructed with tears – happy and grieving all at once. I was glad to hear that I had done what was right, but why did I have to hurt Yugi again to find out…
"Now what?" I felt so free, but also so lost. Free of the overwhelming grief, but lost because once again Yugi was leaving.
"Don't give up this fight. Remember, I'm always…with…you."
And then my hikari exploded in a ball of light, and he was gone.
I stared at where he had just been supported in my arms, and clenched my fists in resolution. Yugi was gone, but it wasn't the same as before. This time, while the spot above my heart was still missing and empty, a warmth coursed through the area, a warmth that was like Yugi's presence. It wasn't nearly as powerful or as strong, but it was there, and I could already feel it fuelling me. Yugi had left, but he had left me with the newfound strength and encouragement to carry on. He had once again sacrificed himself for me, and I would not let it be in vain.
With genuine determination, I stood up from where I had been kneeling and turned to the valley, tears of grief and warmth intermingled on my face. I shouted. "I'll save you, Yugi! No matter what it takes!"
With Yugi's faith in me, there was no way I could fail. No way I could let myself fail. And maybe, someday, I could earn his forgiveness. Possibly even my own.
A/N: So there it is, I hope you liked it. Phew, that took a long time to write and it was a rather depressing slog. Everyone else has some slight self-applied guilt in their POVs (well, except Kaiba), but Yami's is ALL self-applied guilt. His spirit improves a lot when he meets Yugi, but he still isn't quite ready to forgive himself (or accept that Yugi has forgiven him). But that comes later! :)
One big goal I had for this was that it not sound too similar to another Orichalcos story I wrote surrounding Yami. Hopefully that worked as well.
Anyway, thanks for reading and please review! They make me happy!
